No matter what,
what matters is that you keep knocking.
-Konto ga Hajimaru

Entry_3

I wonder if someone kept knocking on your door. I wish I was close enough to be able to do so. I wish I could have gotten to you in time, without lucid taking your hand in mine, pushing you out of the water. Heck, I wouldn't mind staying alive then. To be with you, and if you don't want to talk, then just sitting quietly next to you. Taking the warm walks, listening to your heartfelt words, just being in you presence. Would I be able to save you?
I don't really mind that. I reject the idea of letting someone save me, but I always want to save others.
By the way, I have gotten stronger. I can walk in the dark as if there is light, don't react much to sounds or whispers. I am aware of the spirits and souls. But I can't let the darkness take over me. I feel it now to. I am more comfortable in the dark, so I am sitting in the dark at the moment. Rain is falling down and I keep hearing things. Is it rain, a spirit, shadow people? I don't know for now, but I guess I will see based on my feelings and dream later.
I am comfortable in that world. I have a feeling as if that is my purpose and I am actually sane.
I know that I can choose easily, will it be light, or dark. But as it is said, even the purest hearts are drawn to dark. For me it has always been it.
You said your songs are more for other people than for yourself. But I think if anything, the melody is totally your choice . If anything, the melody you composed is trully and utterly yours.
I am a lot better, as I had already told you. I guess that that feeling stayed with me. Even if I am well I say ,,I want to die", even when in reality that is not the case. I don't want to die. I just want to do better now, but it seems like I keep messing up. If I had stayed quiet for some things, everything would be like before. Fake, but close. Now I can't wait for time to pass, I just want to get away from this moment. Right here, right now. I want to destroy myself. Blind, stupid, selfish. I want to destroy myself. I hate this place and I started hating their voices. It seems like thay started hating me now. That hurts. I still love them, it just hurts in my chest, it is stuffy here.
The worst thing is, they won't keep quiet about it. They will keep reminding me of it, poking, commenting and agreeing. I felt fine with what I did because by everything, every calculation turns out positive. Plus I believe in her. But I am the traitor in their eyes. The outcast in the house. I hope it gets better, but it is better to help her and not me. They don't really try to knock on my door. Just hug me dammit, no matter what. Don't let me go so easily. I am protecting you from myself.
Have you ever felt that way? Like every single thing you do is a bad one, you can't be happy for long because of yourself, because you keep messing up. I just.. want to disappear for a while. At least until I get better. It seems like they are better of without me. My family I mean. I make them laugh a lot, but I am the matches for fight too. In a matter of a second I had turned into a hated stranger.

I mean, two years will pass by quicly, right? School, judo, work in meantime. I will distance myself again, for their and my sake. I will paint, write, anything. As long as they get better, and are not annoyed or disgusted by my very presence.

God, how I hate this. This all seems so silly. Living for this? No, I am just at the beggining. It is just that it is all I know. I feel trapped, god I would not mind cutting myself just to punish myself for my mistake. For hurting them. I may as well do so. I hurt them, so I should keep a clear reminder for lifetime, of what I did. And then try to numb myself. Numb myself so much that I barely feel. Till I can't hate anyone or myself.

I found it like that quiet a few times. I am the problem. My sister is a good person, hurt, but a good person. They are calm with her, laugh with her meanwhile I am just a problem. I am not lying, nor am I repeating your words. Thiese few months were supposed to be for me, so that I could heal myself, set my priorities, numb and just get even better. I truly don't know how to act with others. I faked myself in front of others so much that I came to hate the feel of my face, my own presence, my eyes. How could I let someone look into them.. I just for a moment wanted to live in that lie, I knew that that person is probably up to no good, but that person was willing to look in the eyes. It was not that I tried revealing myself, it was more like the general look in someones eyes. I like looking people in the eyes, but never do they read me. Even with bad intentions they don't stick to me. I am not worried about that tho. I hate how from every side talking is nearing. God, I hate it. But I will have to handle it. If anything, this time for my own good. As I told that person, I am fine on my own. I don't lack love. I am used to figuring things out on my own. And you I will have to deal with tomorrow. And my family for two more years. Can I disappear for a while? I hate everything here, I am used to it but it only makes it worse. Because I am here every second, for at least 14 years now. I already planed what to do, but doom came sooner than expected, because of me. I don't know what to do anymore. Writing this or anything else, pain. Painting, my thoughts. Singing, can't because they are here. Run away, kill myself, can't because of them and you. Reading something, I can hear them talk. Watching something.. seeing things I had pushed away, never had. Friends, someone to save me, accept or understand. Why can't people be more like you? But heck, I feel like going off your radar too. You are an angel, and I am doom. For everything and everyone. I know where I am keeping it, who would have have thought that I would use it. You use it to carve the wood, meanwhile I use it to get used to and over pain. Just a few times I did it. To get stronger.

Now is the second time to punish myself. Should I do it now, ir wait for them to talk? Or should I do it both now and later? I decided to drop it, nit to do that again. I don't want to move my wrists for that. But once again I will push myself. I want to feelit elsewhere, other than my heart. I don't want to go back to that state from few years ago. I have finally gotten better.

What is the purpose of living? I don't regret it, but it soo stuffy right now, and it will be for some time. They won't care about that. Especially not anymore, I deserve it. I heard it, I heard it all, I woke up right when they started talking. She was close to choking me. I guess it is fair. It is. She was once almost choked to death because of me, so it is only fair to choke me. That I was always afraid of. That was one of my fears. My own family disliking me.

I guess it's good that no one pays attention or sees the scars on my wrist, even tho I am wearing a sleveless shirt. I am soo trapped in myself.

I am happy that I gifted her Bangtan and SHINee, and together with sister kdramas. They heal her bit by bit, Bangtan especially.
I can keep pretending until I leave. Afterwards, I shall see. Do I end me or not. When that time comes, I want to try what you did, just to feel it. Did you wish to be saved in that moment? I will see, I will try not to choose that outcome, but for two minutes I want to be in that poisonus smoke. See where I am, then get out. Then I will see, will I live or no.

Ha, it is funny. I never really compared myself to my sister. I just accept everything. They know about my crazyness, but it always turns so that it is my fault. They are, no, mum is worried about sisters feelings and her being like that. I wonder if the knows how close I was to it, not by thought but by action. Or even this, any of this, she probably does not. If she were to read this she would cry. Heck, this was supposed to be a book for you, but I guees I want to reveal myself fully to you. Well, not fully fully, just fully. I want to hide from you too, because I was bad. I don't deserve your voice and help. But you are the only that helps. I am actually all alone, I can't trust anyone. Not my family, not coworkers, not school, not distant family, internet, no one. If anything, I wish to have friends like SHINee and Bangtan. That bond. Because I am willing to protect someone. I just wish that someone would hold me. Right ones. No more pain. How much more. Just because I am almost 18, young, does not mean that my feelings are not real. I hanged on because I was aware that I would regret dying. I still think soo. But I just want to rest a bit, in the dark, without worrying and beating myself over things. It is hard to handle myself. But no one seems to acually see and care.
It is all you. What more do you need? You just need to be happy and get over it.
As if I don't know that. As if I can do it so easily. If I could, I would not be writing this at the moment. What do I do? I have nothing and no one, but myself that is wrecked. Can I listen to your voice, even if I am bad? Can I, a bad person, a wreck, listen to a great, big person like you? May I?

I want to get out of the house at least, but that I won't be allowed. It is night, and I am not allowed out during night. Well, I never am but oh well. Poor me, as she said. No place seems to be a good place, no feel seems to be a good one, and no eyes seem warm to me. I want to say that maybe it would be better to rid everyone of trouble and get rid of myself, but that would be wrong. I know they care. Can't I see? I see, that is why they despise me now. Because they care. But I have nothing to do. Should I learn Japanese now? Am I in the good enough state for that? I want to leave as soon as possible. I won't say I miss you, because at least for now, I shall not dare words like that. Those words are too holy for a thing like me. I shall stop writting now, but I assume I will be back soon for Entry_4.
I will see you soon. Hopefully, not in person.
I have came back to tell you that I decided. I will get up from my bed, as I need toilet and my battery is on 22%. So I will do it now. I thought about not doing it, but it is better to do it. That way when the talk comes, the poking and shuning, only I will know about that scar. And with that, I will think in a way to get over it. I don't wanna do it. But I will.