I am woken by the daylight that peeps through the curtains. The insidious, melancholic feeling I had last night remains with me still. I sit up with just my thoughts for company as Jonny sleeps soundly beside me. I sit there and watch him. He's just too perfect for me. I'm a bad person. I don't deserve happiness and I certainly don't deserve him!

I feel so wretched and restless. The cutting words from Catherine and my feeling unworthy thoughts, linger in my mind. While Shawn's detached and spiritless face, still haunts me. I'm at a complete loss regarding what to do with myself. Jonny begins to stir so I decide to get out of bed. My shitty self-pity doesn't need to keep us both awake!

"Hey you, come here." Jonny's sleepy, loving face is looking at me. He pats the bed with his hand.

"I was going to get up so you can sleep," I softly say.

"I've had some sleep . . . now come here." I lie down beside him. Being so close to him, I can see the bright green flecks, which flicker: almost dance in his hazel eyes. They adoringly look deep into mine. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. I shake my head. I can't talk about anything at the moment. It's too hard to talk. "I hate seeing you so down, Jessica." Jonny says, looking tired and distraught.

My pain is causing him pain. I know Jonny feels as though I am shutting him out and I shouldn't be. Maybe if I open up, maybe I will feel better? I let out a laboured, defeated breath. "I knew seeing Shawn was going to be difficult, but he's a broken man, Jonny. He barely looked at me and Catherine . . . well, she was just vile and full of hate. The way she spoke to my Lissy made me want to physically harm her and what angers me the most, is Shawn let her. She's my fucking daughter not hers!" My crippling sadness gives way to overwhelming anger. My nails bite into my tightly clenched palm and my face feels hot with the temper that invades my body.

Jonny reaches for my balled up fist. "I know it's hard, Jessica, but you can't let Catherine get to you. Lissy and Lottie are your daughters and always will be. As upset as she is about us, she has no right to keep talking to you like you are nothing. You will never be a nothing," Jonny calmly states, pulling me into his body. His warm, protective hand rests on my shoulder. I lie with my head on his soft, masculine chest. My head rises and falls with his every breath. "What exactly happened when you saw the girls?" he asks gently.

"I saw Lissy first, she walked down the stairs as her Nan was throwing insults my way. I could tell she wanted to see me, but it's like Catherine has complete control over my family now. Shawn is letting her because he has no fight left in him. I have destroyed all that he ever was." Once again, his despairing face is all I see. It's a memory I can't seem to erase.

Jonny cups my face so I am looking at him. "We destroyed all that he ever was. I'm involved in this too, remember? You have to stop shouldering the blame all of the time, Jessica. Shawn is in a bad place and both of us have to live with that. He is obviously still hurting and needs more time, but if you think Lissy wants to see you that's a good thing, isn't it?" Jonny now holds my chin with his finger, a tender smile on his lips.

"I suppose," I let out a sigh, but continue, "When I walked away after having the door shut in my face, I looked up at the bedroom window and saw both Lissy and Lottie standing there . . . Lottie even waved."

Jonny kisses the top of my head, gripping my shoulder even tighter. "There you go then, that's a good sign."

"They looked so confused and sad, Jonny. It broke my heart seeing them like that." Once again, tears fill my eyes as a painful lump in my throat starts to choke me.

"It's okay, darling. Everything will be okay." Jonny does his best to comfort me.

As soothing as his words are, they are unable to reach me. "It's not though, is it?" My tears fall heavily onto the sheet covering Jonny's stomach. He sits up and hugs me tightly into him, rocking me to and fro; trying to console me with all that he is and all that he has to give.

I don't know how long I cried for, but I did until there were no more tears left to cry. Jonny sat with me the entire time, listening and holding me. We talked and talked until things made sense. Even though it's the last thing I want to do, I now know I am going to have to seek advice from a solicitor regarding my daughters. I never wanted to seek legal advice, but I can't allow Catherine to be in the driving seat of my daughters' lives anymore. If Shawn won't see sense, then I'll do whatever is necessary to have Lissy and Lottie allowed back into my life.

***

Jonny is downstairs while I'm in the shower. I suddenly remember that I forgot to call Lydia yesterday, she'll be so worried. I shower quickly and dry off in haste. Sitting on the bed, I tie my hair up into a wet top-knot and put my dressing gown on as Jonny walks in carrying a tray with a late breakfast on. My eyes take in the croissants and tea. I look at him, feeling so lucky to have such a wonderful person as him in my life.

My faint smile doesn't go unnoticed. "What's that little smile for?" Jonny asks as he places the tray on the bedside table.

"I'm thankful for having you in my life, that's all."

Jonny's brow rises with his smile. "Really?"

"Yes . . . really." I get off the bed and move behind him, wrapping my arms around his tantalisingly toned chest.

Jonny brings his arms up so they are touching mine. "Even with everything that has happened?"

"Yes . . . even with everything that has happened." He sighs heavily at my words then turns around. His face is weighed down with conflict. "What's wrong, Jonny?" I ask in a quiet voice, stroking his cheek.

"I just feel so incredibly guilty, Jessica."

"For what?"

"I should have left you alone at The Broadway Tower, then none of this would have ever happened. I should have left you alone to live your life with your husband and your daughters." He looks past my shoulder, too riddled with guilt to even look at me.

"But you didn't, did you?" I firmly say. His stricken eyes search mine. "Jonny, I know life has been difficult for all involved, but not one single day goes by where I regret ever meeting you." I tell him, reaching for his hand.

Jonny's eyes widen. "Honestly?"

In a lighthearted way I take his hand and do a cross sign across my chest. "Cross my heart and hope to die." I say with an assuring smile.

His sensual mouth leans into me. Our kiss is sweetly slow and passionate, it dissipates all the doubts precariously hanging above us; banishing all the crippling fears, which prevent us from moving forward.

One minute I am feeling on top of the world, the next I am drowning in sadness and cowering behind guilty shadows. Is this what it's like for someone who has had an affair? Does life ever balance itself out? Are the insecurities that cloud every rational thought, something that are ever present after an affair? Will the guilt and insecurity ever leave us alone? I know there always seems to be something standing in the way of our happiness but for all of the ups and downs, I am still here with the man that I chose to be with. He makes the lows bearable and the highs beautiful. I hate to see him so swallowed up by something he thinks his dishonourable actions have caused. Yes, Jonny wanted me and went out of his way to have me; knowing that I was married. However, I willingly let him into my hotel room that night at The Broadway. I could have easily stood my ground and sent him away but the truth is . . . I wanted him too.

The real blame lies within our wanting of each other. We have both caused untold damage by our irrepressible need to be together. However, that blame has to be put somewhere out of sight. In a place where it can't keep persecuting us. My chin rests gently on Jonny's chest, I look up at his less-troubled face. He looks down at me, those beautiful beige eyes reaching into my heart. His charming grin has once again returned to grace his bewitching face.

Tightening his grip around me he murmurs, "I needed to hear that, Dimples."

"I mean every word," I quietly reply.

With a complete change in his mood, he playfully squeezes my ass, kissing my neck. "I need to go out, but Simon is downstairs if you want to go out later."

I wriggle beneath him, laughing. "Tell him from me he can have a well-deserved day off, I'm not going anywhere today."

Jonny still has me against him. "He was really worried about you yesterday, you know? When you got back he told me I needed to speak with you right away, because something wasn't right."

My laughter fades. "Bless him, he really is sweet. I am so well looked after by all the men around here, aren't I?"

Jonny frowns, his mouth turning up in one corner. "There is only one man looking out for you around here, Jessica." His reply is deeply covetous, a resounding statement of his ownership of me. I want to be owned by him. I find his possessive response hot as hell!

"I will only ever need you, Jonny," I reply. He confidently grins, lifting my chin so our lips tenderly meet. I could kiss him like this forever! I sulkily pout when our lips eventually part. "Do you have to go out?" I ask sadly, willing him to say no.

Jonny nods, rubbing his nose against mine. "I'm afraid I must, I need to see Jay. I've got a few things that need sorting out. I'm not sure how long I'll be, either."

I kiss him again, beginning to miss him already. "Okay, well I'm going to have to amuse myself in your absence, aren't I?" I flirtatiously bite his lower lip.

Jonny is sexually conflicted. He needs to go but his bulging boner has other ideas. "It pains me to leave you, but leave you I must." His mouth crashes hard onto mine before he quickly pulls himself away from me; trying to put some distance between our magnetised and needing bodies. He knows if he doesn't distance himself, he won't be leaving anytime soon. I don't hide my amusement.

With a telling grin, I reply, "That's okay, I've things to do anyway. I need to ring Lydia and then I'm going to go through all the bags and boxes of my stuff she brought back for me."

"Will you be okay?" Jonny sweetly asks.

"Of course I will . . . now go!"

"Okay beautiful, I will see you later then." Jonny plants a brief yet loving kiss to my neck before he leaves. Those lips of his weaken me every single damn time! I need to occupy myself and quick. I pick up the phone and dial Lydia's number.

I impatiently wait for her to pick up. As soon as she does, I have my apology ready. "Hi Lydia . . . it's Jessica. I'm so sorry I didn't call you last night, but I was a little upset when I got back," I guiltily blurt out my excuse.

"Don't apologise, my darling. Are you okay?"

I try to keep my body relaxed as I'm about to tell Lydia about yesterday. "I am now. I've hardly slept a wink, but Jonny has been really great about things. It was hard going back, Lydia. Shawn looks so ill, he has changed so much." I say, bringing my knees up to my chest. As hard as I try to not remember. The Shawn that opened the door to me yesterday, is a Shawn I will never forget.

Lydia breathes heavily down the phone, "He's bereft and is probably finding everything difficult right now, but you have to stay strong, Jessica."

Her assuring words do little to soothe me. "To see someone who has always had such a positive attitude in life, to now be someone who is detached and lonely is heart breaking, Lydia. Just because I fell in love with someone else doesn't stop me caring about him." I admit with deep sadness in my heart.

Lydia sighs loudly down the phone again. "I know, my darling."

It's hard to admit just how much I am struggling with seeing Shawn again. I don't think even I was prepared for how it would make me feel. I know I am with Jonny, but it's true when I say that I still care about Shawn. I can't help but worry about him, especially after seeing the mess that he has become. Now I have admitted that to Lydia, my suppressed emotions come tumbling out of me. "I know it's ridiculous, Lydia but I was too scared to admit that to Jonny. I know how hard all of this is for him. I don't want him thinking that I still have strong feelings for Shawn." I nervously divulge, feeling slightly out of breath.

"I am sure he understands, Jessica." Lydia replies in a gentle voice.

"I hope so."

"So, what did Shawn say exactly?"

My body stiffens in reaction to Lydia's innocent question. "Not much really. He didn't think it was a good idea that I see the girls. It was his mum who pretty much did all the talking, or should I say, shouting." My anger begins to rise at the mere mention of Catherine.

Lydia huffs. "Why does that poisonous cow need to get involved anyway?"

My inner wrath towards Catherine now has my pulse speeding and my neck tight with temper. "It would seem she's calling all the shots these days." I reply in an angered tone.

"That's all you bloody need, Jessica."

"Tell me about it. I think I am going to need some legal advice, Lydia. I really hate having to, but Shawn isn't thinking straight. I honestly think Catherine is the one stopping the girls from seeing me. I wouldn't be surprised if the girls have had their phones taken off them or have been given new ones." I explain.

"Can't the stupid woman see that she's doing more harm than good?" Lydia's tone is now equally as annoyed as mine. I'm now incapable of sitting still, I get off the bed. "She is nothing but a bitter and cruel woman." I hiss, pacing the bedroom floor.

"So, did you see Lissy and Lottie?" Lydia asks with a softer intonation.

I nervously grip the back of my neck, remembering how painful it was to see my girls. "Lissy got really upset when she heard her Nan calling me a slutty little alley cat and so . . ." I don't get a chance to finish my sentence. I'm abruptly interrupted by a none-too-pleased Lydia. "Wait right fucking there! Pass that by me again, my darling?"

I suck in a deep breath. "Catherine said I was a slutty little alley cat." I repeat the words with a thudding heart.

Lydia gasps loudly. "I am literally lost for words, Jessica. What an awful thing for poor Lissy to hear."

"I'm not a violent person but I wanted to hit Catherine, I really did. She made Lissy go back upstairs and after that, the door was slammed in my face." I feel myself getting upset all over again. My chest is heaving as my body becomes overrun with emotion.

"So, you never saw Lottie?" Lydia asks.

I swallow down the ball of sadness forming in my throat. "I caught a glimpse of her up at the bedroom window. She actually waved, but both the girls were pulled away by Catherine and then I left."

"Well, it sounds to me like the girls are missing their mum and your bitch of a mother-in-law needs to be put into her bloody place, Jessica," Lydia says with angry frustration.

I want to cry but my tears are all cried out. They have simply run dry. I am left with a deep knot, twisting and pulling inside of me. With a heavy heart, I sit on the edge of the bed. "That's why I need to see a solicitor, Lydia. I can't leave things as they are now." I quietly reply.

"You do whatever you have to, darling."

"I intend to," I answer assertively, pulling at the dead flowers which now sit on the bedside table beside me. I continue my conversation, looking at the withered pink gladioli. "There is another thing I was going to ask you, Lydia."

"What is it?"

"Has anyone from work been asking awkward questions?" I nervously ask.

"No one has said anything at all, my darling. Of course people have been shocked but nothing defamatory has been said about you. In fact, a few of our clients are very jealous indeed!" Lydia laughs. "Why? Are you really worried about what people think about you?"

I stiffen before replying. "Only our clients. I would hate to give Mason's Toys a bad name, because of me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Jessica. Only a few weeks ago, I spoke with Matthew Merrett. He rang to see how you were doing. He even told me that your personal life has no bearing whatsoever on your professional life."

"Really?" I ask in pleasant surprise.

"Yes, really." Lydia laughs again.

"I'm so relieved. I had visions of our clients leaving in droves because of Mason's Toys association with me." I admit, feeling so much better now for discussing this with Lydia.

"Now you're just being bloody paranoid, darling. Our clients value your professionalism, as do I. It really will be wonderful to have you back." Lydia sweetly assures me.

I know I am probably just feeling low and insecure because of yesterday, but once again my dear friend has somehow managed to lift my spirits. "I can't wait to return to work either. I know I am doing a lot less but it will be great to have some normality, Lydia. I have so much on my plate at the moment. What with Shawn, the girls and Jonny going to America. I need something which I know and understand."

"I truly understand that, Jessica. By the way, you have made my lovely temp Katie an extremely happy young lady. I spoke to her this morning about taking her on permanently on a part-time basis and she is simply over the moon. It took me about an hour to get her to come down off the ceiling, she's an excitable little thing." Lydia says affectionately with a little chuckle.

"I can't wait to meet her." I reply.

"She's a sweet girl, darling. Maybe sickly sweet, but charming nevertheless."

"I am sure after a few months of working with you, her sweet ways will quickly be corrupted." Together we both giggle.

"So where is Jonny today then, Jessica?" Lydia asks.

"He's gone to see Jay and I'm just about to tackle the unpacking of all my belongings."

"Good luck with that, darling."

"Thanks, Lydia. In fact, I had better make a start on it now."

"Okay, I will love you and leave you. Speak soon. I miss you!" I know there's a smile with Lydia's last comment.

"Miss you too," Placing the phone down, I nervously walk to the other bedroom with a feeling of weighted apprehension.

The room is full of bags and displaced boxes. I look at each one, overwhelmed with where exactly to start. I grab the first bag, which is full of my underwear and nightwear with the odd pair of socks thrown in. I decide to do a 'keep,' 'charity' and 'throw' pile. I quietly go through the clothing, putting them into whatever pile I feel is appropriate.

I painstakingly go through my belongings. After three big bags. I reach into the next one and there, in amongst all the skirts and shirts, is the red dress I wore when I first met Jonny. It is now creased and dishevelled, but it still holds such sweet sentiment for me. I hold it against my bath-robed body and imagine myself wearing it. All the memories of the first moment of meeting Jonny flood back and a wicked smile forms across my downward mouth. Who would have thought that from that moment, my life would end up here? Without question, I place the red dress on my 'keep' pile.

After sifting through the clothes, I sit down on the bed, exhausted. It's then that I spot my jewellery box underneath my beloved "Anne of Green Gables" book. I kneel down beside the box, carefully opening it up. Inside are my mother's engagement and wedding rings, a thin yellow gold band and her fourteen carat round diamond solitaire ring. If I close my eyes, I can still see those rings on her pale piano-like fingers. Even though my father was no longer with us, she chose to wear them as a statement of the love they once shared. The same love that my father apparently pissed against the wall with his drinking. Underneath them, is the ring that Shawn bought me for my nineteenth birthday, a sterling silver blue topaz ring. I remember him giving it to me. When I opened it with delight, he told me he had bought it because the blue topaz matched my pretty eyes. Swallowing hard, I close the lid back down. I slowly pull open one of the two jewellery box drawers. There on its own, resting on luxurious black velvet lining, is my locket the girls gave me recently for my birthday.

I take it into my hand, gently opening it up. I stroke the two tiny but perfect photos of Lissy and Lottie. My shaky hands are having difficulty opening the clasp of the necklace, but I finally manage to do it and quickly put it on. A calmness blankets me, wearing the girls' locket somehow soothes me. I hear a soft tap on the door.

"Hi, Jessica. You've been up here for hours. I've made you some dinner." Mary stands in the doorway, looking at the mess surrounding me.

"Thank you Mary, have I really been up here that long? I'm just sorting through all my belongings from ho . . ." I abruptly stop myself. Shit, I nearly said home!

Mary just smiles at my near outburst. "I see, do you need a hand?"

Embarrassed, I look at the carnage of clothing which is everywhere. "I can manage, thanks."

"If you're sure? Just give me a shout should you need anything." She places the tray down onto the bedside table.

"Thank you, Mary. I will have quite a lot to donate to charity when I'm finished and I'll bring down the things I want thrown away."

Mary looks at me crossly. "Oh no you won't! Put the things you want thrown away in a black bag and leave them on the bed. I'll ask Beef to carry them down later. You still shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting, Jessica."

I know better than to argue. "Okay but I really am much better now, Mary. I wouldn't lift anything too heavy." I try to assure her.

Mary still doesn't look impressed, her eyes sternly narrow on me. "I should hope not! Mr. Riley would not be pleased." I look at her, all doe-eyed. A picture of complete innocence. Her steely stare soon softens. "Just promise me, you won't overdo things?"

I smile. A grateful smile. "I promise." I reply in a quiet voice. Once satisfied, Mary closes the door behind her.

***

After eating my lunch, I continue to sort through the boxes that remain. After finding all of my music, I carry what CDs I have carefully up to the library. I have also made room for some of my beloved pictures, placing them beside the hundreds of books. It's good to see items that belong to me in my favourite room. Not that Jonny has ever made me feel anything less than welcome, but I've missed having my own familiar and homely objects around me. Jonny has thoughtfully bought me an oak desk and a small oak shelving unit for the library, ready for when I start back at work.

I dump all of my work files messily onto the new office furniture. It isn't long before I have them all placed in neat and professional rows along the new and smooth shelves. Thankfully, Shawn has returned my work laptop and briefcase; I place them both on top of the sleek new desk. Feeling happy, I stand back. Looking at all of my things that have been lovingly placed where they are now. With satisfied eyes, I roam my wonderful new workplace. I absolutely love it!

Returning to the bedroom, it kind of feels therapeutic knowing that I'm slowly putting all of my things where they should be . . . where they belong. All the clothes I am keeping have been hung up with all of my new ones. My shoes are lined up neatly beside one another. The old, neighbouring the new. My past and present are meeting one another for the very first time.

Everything I need for my return to work is now in the library. There are only a few small boxes left to sort out. One is full of ornaments, most of which once belonged to my mother. Another tatty box contains my tired-looking keepsake boxes which contain mementos of my childhood. There are letters, concert tickets, dried flowers and a few of my old school books. In these boxes, I keep anything that is a sweet reminder of my life as a child and a sometimes difficult teenager. I have letters I lovingly penned to my mum. Unfinished diaries that I started but soon got bored of within a month. In them, I confided my angst of unrequited teenage love and how hopeless I felt whenever I had a breakout of spots. I can't help but chuckle to myself as I flick through, reading some of the extracts of my youth.

I place the memento box into the wardrobe to look inside on another day. Amongst the sentimental possessions, I find my wedding album. I lift it out with much forethought. The traditional album in a white silk finish was affectionately bought for us by Shawn's mum. My heart sinks with trepidation as I trace my fingers over its cover before looking inside.

The first photograph shows a deliriously happy me. Standing beside Shawn, in my V neck, floor length, ivory lace dress with my hair pinned up in a sophisticated bun. Shawn is handsome, in his silver grey suit and pale lilac tie to complement my purple and lilac sweet pea bouquet.

We both look so ecstatically happy and carefree in this picture. I also remember us getting so blindly drunk on champagne and chardonnay at our wedding reception, we were unable to officially consummate our marriage. It quickly became a running joke between us, the whole time that we were together. I shall always treasure the bittersweet memories of us . . . of our life together. Shawn is the man that I married, the father of my children. I can't just flick a switch to stop myself from caring about him. Just when I thought I was all cried out, a single tear drips onto the wedding album. My heart feels heavy and sorrowful. I hold the album to my chest and protectively carry it up to the library. I place it in the bottom drawer of my lovely new desk, ironic really. As the memories of myself and Shawn are also to be placed at the bottom of my heart.

*HOW ARE YOU LOVELIES HOLDING UP WITH A FAMOUS AFFAIR, SO FAR?