As people begin to arrive, I try to remain calm. Jonny is attentive and thoughtful, always ensuring I am feeling comfortable and treating me like his treasured princess. He has thought of literally everything to make my birthday special, from the disco to the outside caterers who are doing the cold buffet. I haven't eaten anything since about 1:00 p.m. I've been far too knotted up inside to eat a single thing. However, my appetite appears to have returned with a vengeance because I'm now here with Jonny.

His friends are charming, polite and appear to like me, which comes as a huge relief. I particularly like his two oldest friends, Stephanie and Harry. Jonny went to secondary school with them. They tell me lots of funny stories about the mischief they all used to get up to.

Stephanie tells me all about a prank they played on Harry, whose parents had gone away for the weekend. The intention was that they were going to throw a party but knowing where the spare key was hidden, they stupidly thought it would be funny to stage a burglary. They hid the TVs in the bathroom and all the kitchen things like the microwave and kettle, in the bedrooms upstairs. For added effect, Jonny up tipped the bin and potatoes onto the kitchen floor. The plan was, Harry would return from football and come in via the back door, into the kitchen and then make his way into the lounge. Once there, everyone would jump out from their hiding places, shouting "SURPRISE!" However, there was a problem. Harry took one look at the kitchen, yelled "SHIT!" and ran off up the road. Everyone panicked, so when someone mentioned "What if he thinks it's a real burglary and calls the police?" They panicked some more and frantically began to put everything back as it was before and to then go ahead with the party. Sure enough, the police did arrive. Stephanie had to pretend to be Harry's girlfriend and let the officers in to check the house. When a confused Harry walked up the path whilst the police were there, clocking all of his friends inside his house, the penny finally dropped. To say he wasn't best pleased was an understatement.

Oh, I do love hearing all of their stories. It gives me an idea of who Jonny really is and who he was before he became famous. Stephanie is particularly lovely to me and is more than happy to share lots of her tales with me.

"Jonny talks about you all the time, you know?" Stephanie's pretty freckled face looks at me as she pushes her tumbling auburn curls back off her shoulders.

"Really?" I don't even know why I am blushing so furiously. I'm flattered and excited that Jonny does talk about me to his oldest of friends. It confirms that I really am important to him; I really do mean something to him.

Stephanie leans into me. "I don't mean to sound offensive here, but what do you think will happen with you two? I know you're married, Jessica, but how long can you really sustain living two lives? I really like you so please don't take it the wrong way, but Jonny is happy and cares about you, like really cares about you. I wouldn't want to see him hurt." I look at her non-confrontational face and can clearly see that she cares very much about Jonny. She has a gentleness about her, even though she's being boldly upfront with me, I take no offence to her forthright, yet protective, words.

I sigh deeply. "Only today have I realised that my life cannot carry on as it is. I know I need to think some things through and to talk about it with Jonny. You're right, things can't carry on as they are." I freely admit.

Instinctively, she holds my hand. This sweet girl has only just met me, but she's holding my hand because she sees someone who needs a friend. "You know Jonny will stick by you, whatever you decide. He's a sensitive guy underneath all that celebrity bullshit he carries around with him, Jessica." She glances up, looking in Erin Laurelson's direction. It would seem I'm not the only one who isn't a big fan of Miss Sour Puss. Stephanie realises I am looking at Erin, too.

"Don't let that Erin get involved with you guys, she's simply poison." Stephanie continues to watch Erin.

"We've already had words. How long has she worked with Jonny?" I ask.

"About two years. Erin and Jonny's agent think they have his best interests at heart, but they don't really. He's merely their pound sign on legs." We both lean in simultaneously as we share a private but very bitchy giggle.

"Do you ladies need another drink?" Harry is grinning at us. His green eyes are bright and his short wavy dark hair sits sweetly around his ears and neck.

"Mmm . . . yes please. What would you like, Jess?" Stephanie asks me. I feel warm inside hearing her call me Jess in such a relaxed and familiar manner, as though we've been friends for years.

With a smile, I ask. "A martini please, Harry."

"I'll have a glass of red, make it a large one. I think I might need it as Jay Scott has just arrived," Stephanie grimaces as she says his name.

My eyes quickly scan the room, but I'm not actually sure who I am supposed to be looking at. "Who is Jay Scott?" I ask.

"Jonny's agent," Harry casually replies. "I'll be back in a mo with those drinks." Harry leaves us alone but not before sweetly touching Stephanie's shoulder. It's hard not to notice the obvious warmth between them but my attention is quickly brought back to Jay Scott. Jonny has never told me his agent's name; he always refers to him just as his agent.

Jay Scott has in fact, always been a subject we've simply steered away from. Talking about him only makes Jonny angry, which makes me feel threatened because his agent has always been so vehemently against our relationship. I'm always terrified that one day, Jay Scott will get through to Jonny and that he'll end what we have.

I look at Stephanie. "I know how much Jonny's agent is not approving of our relationship. I'm dreading meeting him." I tell her nervously.

She dismisses my comment with a knowing smile. "Don't be. Jonny may have all these muppets in his life, but they're simply there for his celebrity self. They have nothing to do with his personal life. I know Jonny. If they were to push him too hard on something he's passionate about; they will see a side of him they won't like . . . and Jonny is passionate about you, Jessica."

My tense body relaxes. "Thanks, Stephanie. It means so much to me that we get on together. Jonny has talked to me about you and Harry; you're both so important to him. He tells me all the time how you guys keep him grounded." I touch her arm gently, holding it there. Her hand is soon upon mine, our friendship silently sealed.

"Here's to the beginning of a beautiful friendship." She holds up her near empty glass of red and we clink glasses.

Jonny comes up from behind, affectionately kissing my neck. "Hey Beautiful, there's someone I'd like you to meet." His loving kiss sends delightful little shivers all the way down my spine. Although, I am here, in his home, I still find myself pathetically missing him.

"But Jessica and I were just getting to the part when you and Harry dared each other to cherry knock naked on Mrs. Mann's door." Stephanie playfully smiles at me, childishly poking her tongue out at Jonny.

"I'll bring her back . . . I promise." Jonny takes my hand. As I brush past Stephanie he gives her a big smile, ruffling her hair up, in an annoying, yet affectionate way.

Jonny parades me around like the cat who has got the cream. "Who am I meeting?" I ask, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"My agent, Jay." I stop and pull back on Jonny.

"He's going to hate me, isn't he?"

Jonny tilts his head. "How could anyone hate you, Dimples?" Lovingly he strokes my cheek with his reassuring and tender finger.

We walk into the other reception room; no one is in there except a man standing by the fireplace. The golden flames flicker behind him as we approach. It's ironic really, as I really do feel like a sacrificial offering to the gods, about to be thrown into the hell fire of infidelity. I tighten my grip on Jonny's hand; he reassuringly squeezes back.

"Jay, I would like you to meet Jessica. Jessica this is my agent, Jay Scott." Jonny places a protective arm around my shoulder. Although he's wearing a smile, I sense I am here more as a declaration rather than an introduction.

Jay Scott is much smaller than I'd imagined, stocky, yet muscular. His golden tan is complemented by a pale green shirt and light brown chinos. Although his brown hair is thinning from his mid-forties head, he styles it with trendy tufts at the front. There is no doubt that this man is confident. He oozes superiority. His attractive, light blue eyes considerately look me up and down. His slow response tells me he is trying to choose his words very carefully, very carefully indeed.

"Jessica . . . a pleasure." He takes my hand and kisses it softly. Mmmm . . . displeased, yet still charming!

"Pleased to meet you, Jay," I calmly reply.

Jonny's expression goes from relaxed to serious. "I wanted you both to meet, as you each play an important role in my life, just at opposite ends of the spectrum." When he speaks, he looks directly at Jay; while brushing my hand with his caressing thumb. "Jay, I don't need your approval, and Jessica, you don't have to like him, but it's important for the two of you to meet so we all know where we stand."

Jay Scott turns, pacing slowly in front of the fireplace. "I'm not going to insult you both by pretending I am happy about all of this. It's beyond risky, and career wise; Jonny, you're on very thin fucking ice. The public loves you. Women want to have your babies and blokes want to take you to the pub to have a pint and watch the football. This could be absolute career suicide, Jonny. Since doing the Lypiatt Hall films you've become a household name and the opportunities just keep on coming. So please forgive me if I am slightly concerned about all of this." He pauses, to take a breath and scowl some more before looking directly back at me.

"I mean nothing personal towards you, Jessica, I am sure you are charming and wonderful, but the crucial fact is, you're still fucking married!" His composed demeanour has gone. In its place is a man who is pissed off. I knew this wasn't going to be a walk in the park, but I'm slightly unnerved by his directness.

"We're being careful, Jay. I know it's not ideal, but it's what I want." Jonny says, glancing at me. I stand there feeling awkward as I'm desperately trying to think of something to say. Something which is intelligent and eloquent, but I can't seem to string a simple sentence together. Help me somebody! "I just wanted you both to meet, that's all. We are happening Jay, whether you like it or not. This is where we are at and that's all I have to say on the matter. However, if you are indeed finding it all too conflicting Jay, then maybe we should just part ways?" An astonished look crosses Jay Scott's face, but Jonny's face remains impassive. I look at him and he weakly smiles at me. Fuck! I don't want this . . . say something Jessica . . . you have to stop this!

I pull on his hand. "Jonny, listen to me, Jay only has your best interests at heart. It's good that he's open and honest about his feelings as it makes for a better working relationship. I don't ever want to be responsible for ruining your career and believe me, you do need Jay." I then turn from Jonny and look at the man who now has Jonny all hot-headed.

"Jay, God knows how many times we both tried to stop this from happening, but it has happened. Turning on each other is not going to help matters." Impressive Jessica! That'll tell him! I slow my breathing down before continuing. "I really do understand where you're coming from, and like Jonny has already explained, we are being careful. I know there will come a time when decisions will have to be made, but until that time comes, can you just respect Jonny's wishes . . . please?" I look at Jay confidently, hoping that he'll understand where I'm coming from, too.

He sighs, turning around to think for a moment, then turns back to face Jonny.

"What do you want from me, Jonny?" he asks him with an unwavering frown.

"I need to know you've got my back, Jay."

Jay affectionately pats Jonny on the back, smiling at me. "Always Jonny . . . always." I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Meeting Jay Scott has gone much better than I ever expected.

"Okay, I'm going to grab a drink and some food. I've been in meetings all day. Jessica, it has been charming, we'll catch up soon," He leans in to give my cheek a thawed peck. "Jonny, see you later, okay? Oh, and I really can see the attraction, too." With that, Jay strolls out of the room.

The thunderclouds have dispersed and the drama is over. Pulling me into his arms, Jonny stands there, holding me close to his beautiful body, the glow of the fire encircling us. We say nothing, as we lovingly hold onto each other, knowing another one of our hurdles has been removed.

***

We rejoin the party as the caterers are handing out platters of food; a mouth watering feast of canapés, quiche and savoury tartlets, parma wrapped asparagus, olives, stuffed mushrooms and peppers and plenty more. All of which make my mouth water. Both of us have built up quite an appetite, so we heartily tuck into the delicious food. Oh, my stomach is having a party!

"Hey you two, where have you been?" Harry has decided to get us all a glass of champagne. Stephanie then bounces up to us both. I can't speak as I still have a mouthful of food, so Jonny replies.

"Sorry guys, I had some urgent business to attend to," Jonny smiles affectionately in my direction.

Harry playfully punches Jonny on his arm. "I bet you did, you dirty bastard!"

"At least one of us has a beautiful lady to keep him warm tonight," Jonny teases Harry, who simply responds with a smirk and a large gulp of his champagne. We all start laughing. Jonny pulls me close to his side like he needs me to be there. I notice more of the lingering looks between Stephanie and Harry, particularly after Jonny's comment. I thought they were already a couple, but obviously not yet. I detect a definite chemistry between them. I notice such things. Just like I did with Lydia and Jake.

There is most definitely something brewing there!

"Now that you're both back, we can get the party in full and funky swing." Stephanie playfully throws an olive in the air, catching it in her open mouth then gulps back some of her champagne. "Here's to a good night. Happy birthday, Jessica." I think I'm actually going to love this girl! She raises her glass and we all bring our flutes together in one celebratory clink, as Jonny places an adoring kiss to the top of my head. I most certainly am one very lucky lady!

While I'm feeling on top of the world and about to take a sip of my drink, I notice Jonny's look of absolute disdain. "Shit . . . why has Erin brought him as her plus one?" he whines.

"Who?" I'm looking around, trying to see who is the very unwelcome guest.

"Griffin Denley." Jonny is shaking his head, wearing what can only be described as an unimpressed look.

"Oh, him. He's a dick." Harry says. His face mirroring Jonny's look of distaste.

Stephanie joins in with the verbal slaying of Griffin Denley. "As long as he keeps the hell away from me, he may just leave here with his balls still in tact." Her frown deepens. "Why does Erin insist on bringing him to parties? The last one we were at, he got thrown out for being drunkenly vulgar to one of the guests."

"Exactly. God only knows why he gets so many roles as he's not a nice man, at all." Jonny's eyes narrow as he stares at Griffin Denley, who is sauntering across the room with Erin on his arm.

"Probably all of the producers' and directors' wives he's shagging put a good word in for him," Harry says. Jonny laughs at his friends reply.

"You're probably not too far from the truth there, bud." Jonny adds.

I look over at the man who is obviously not well liked. I do vaguely recognise him. He's a British actor who has been in a couple of Brit films and a few TV dramas. However, he is probably more famous for his off-screen antics. He always seems to be in the papers or magazines for something or other. The one that sticks in my mind is a story of him enjoying a ménage à trois with two seventeen-year-olds he picked up in a VIP club. He does love the ladies, and young at that!

He certainly is handsome, ruggedly so, with his dirty blond hair and chiselled features. He walks with confident ease, and appears to have a smirk tattooed all over his arrogant face. He comes across as smarmy and conceited. Sure, he may very well be attractive to some, but tossers really aren't my thing.

The champagne continues to flow as the evening proceeds. Stephanie and Harry are already like old friends to me. Everyone here has been very kind and friendly. I thought I would be treated like a social leper with whispers and sniggers everywhere I went, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Everyone in attendance, except Griffin Denley, maybe, is here because they care about Jonny, so they treat me accordingly. Although, I'm beginning to feel a little jaded. I'm on too much of a Jonny-high to come down just yet.

I, Jessica Neel, sit amongst all his friends and close work colleagues in his luxurious home in Chelsea. I'm in a dress, which my own personal shopper helped me choose, my hair and make-up has been done for me and on top of all that, Jonny Riley will be inside of me later. I really am on cloud bloody nine!

"Come and dance with me, Jess." Stephanie drunkenly pulls me off the plush sofa. We run into the reception room, which has loud dance music playing. Laser beams and a funky, rotating disco ball bounce light around the room. My head is light, my feet even lighter. We're giggling as we do silly little dance moves. I notice Erin and Griffin Denley's hawk-eyed glances upon me. Too tipsy to care, I hold their stare until they both look away. Yeah, look the other way. I'm high in the clouds!

I then spot my beautiful Jonny, who stands with Harry and Jay Scott. His eyes seduce me from afar. With arms which are crossed and his thoughtful finger brushing across his perfect lower lip. He remains fixated on me; undressing me with his intoxicating stare. He doesn't even have to touch me to make me shiver with excitement.

"Let's go and get another drink." Stephanie loops her arm through mine as we go to get one. Jonny watches as we merrily walk across the room. It feels good knowing his eyes are only for me. I desperately want to be alone with him. My train of thought wanders, champagne . . . dance . . . Jonny! However, my bladder has other ideas. "Steph, I'm just nipping to the loo quickly. Hold that drink for me, okay?"

"Don't be long, I need my dance partner back." She grins over her shoulder.

"I'll be back before you know it." I rush off to the bathroom along the corridor; it's dimly lit and disorienting. I'm still not entirely sure where everything is, so I'm very relieved when I manage to find it straight away.

Feeling much more comfortable after going to the toilet, I walk out of the bathroom, smiling to myself. I don't see the person waiting in the shadows; I can only sense their presence. My eyes adjust from the brightly lit bathroom to the darkened corridor. I quickly realise that it's Griffin Denley who is leaning up against the wall. Shit!

"Well, well, well. So you're the married hottie who has Jonny Riley all in a tizzy?" he slimily states.

"My mother always told me not to talk to strangers," I sarcastically reply, looking him up and down with contempt. I don't know him, nor do I want to, he reeks of trouble and being a complete bastard. His craving eyes make my skin horribly crawl. My heart thuds, as he steps closer . . . too close for comfort.

"You know, if affairs are your thing, honey, then I'm your man. I wouldn't say a word. It would forever be our little secret." His hand suddenly grabs my crotch, aggressively pushing me up against the wall as his hot, brandy breath fans my face.

"Take your filthy fucking hands off her now!" Jonny's face contorts in rage. His fists are clenched, his breathing short and fast.

"Just introducing myself to your married friend here, Jonny." Griffin, slowly steps away from me.

"I said, get the fuck away from her . . . NOW!" Jonny's raised voice through angry gritted teeth soon has people looking over. They're all whispering and staring. "Jessica, come here." I rush towards him and he gently pushes me behind him. "I think it's time you left, Denley," Jonny spits.

"It's just a bit of fun Riley, no harm done." His crooked, don't-give-a-shit smile never leaves his face.

"I'm telling you this now, Denley. Just so we are clear about this. NEVER come near me, or Jessica ever again, or I won't be held responsible for my actions."

"If you insist Riley, but you want to be careful. We wouldn't want your precious public to know about your married lover, now would we?" His snide remark makes me shudder. I grab hold of Jonny's arm.

"If you want to throw threats around Denley, that's fine. I'm well aware of many of your indiscretions . . . enough to ruin you." Jonny warns him. Griffin Denley doesn't say a word but his insidious smirk has quickly left him.

I see Erin Laurelson marching over. Her glowering eyes are fixed upon us as she approaches. "What's going on?" she asks.

"Denley has just had his fucking hands all over Jessica." Jonny doesn't even blink as he speaks. Erin throws me a scornful look.

"Are you entirely sure that's the case, Jonny? She's hardly the honest type, now is she?"

Jonny's eyes furiously dart in her direction. "I saw fucking everything, Erin! I'd like you and this bastard to leave, right now."

Erin's face drops. "Don't be like that, Jonny. I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding?" Her tone is instantly submissive as she tries to diffuse the situation.

"It's no fucking misunderstanding, I can assure you. Now go! Oh, and Erin?"

"Yes, Jonny?"

"You're fired," Jonny states without emotion. Her mouth drops wide open and the hurt in her eyes is evident. Shit!

I pull Jonny around to look at me. He reluctantly does so. "Jonny, just calm down. You don't need to fire Erin."

"Yes, I do, Jessica. I'm sick of the snide comments here and there. She needs me far more than I fucking need her. I can't have people around me who I can't trust. I'm sorry Erin, that's my final word."

She pleadingly looks at Jonny, trying to gain his eye contact, but he refuses to do so. With a final contemptuous look at me, she stomps off. Griffin Denley obediently follows.

I stroke Jonny's back. He looks washed out, exhausted and downbeat. His protective arms engulf me.

"You okay?" He asks, gently stroking my hair.

"I am now," I respond.

"Let's go upstairs, I need some space." Jonny leads the way up the curved stairway. He opens his bedroom door and closes it behind us. It's his way of shutting out the problem.

I sit on his bed and he sits down next to me. "I can't believe that bastard did that. And Erin, she's no fucking better," Jonny angrily states.

"Is there any way you can sort things out with her? I'm not her biggest fan, but I feel terrible that she's lost her job because of me," I say.

"She is the only one accountable for why she has lost her job. For weeks she's been pushing it, Jessica. She had this coming."

"But what will you do now? Who will work for you?"

"Jay will sort something out, he'll find some candidates and then I'll interview them. I need someone I can trust completely. I never felt that way with her. I kept ignoring how she could be because she was so good at her job," Jonny says, looking angrily ahead.

"So, are she and Denley a couple?"

"No, not from lack of trying on her part, though. He uses Erin. For someone who is supposedly very intelligent, she doesn't quite get that."

"He certainly has a very high opinion of himself. I can't understand her fascination with him." I say.

Jonny rests his tired head in his agitated palms. "I feel sick at the thought of his hands on you." His voice is quietly broken. I pull his shielding hands away from his tortured face.

"Did you really see all that happened?" I ask softly. Jonny nods, blinking away the bitter memory of it.

"I watched him all night; he was watching you the whole fucking time. When you went to the toilet, he followed, so I followed him," Jonny grits out.

"I'm okay, so it's fine." I cup my hands around his glorious, haunted face. I kiss him delicately on his mouth, nose, eyelids, temples, forehead and chin. I want to help him forget what he saw.

"It kills me inside, you know . . . the thought of another man touching you. I have images of you in bed with your husband and it tears me apart every single fucking day." I look at him as he speaks. The self-loathing returns stronger and more potent; the venom it produces is poisoning every cherished moment we've ever shared.

I take both his hands into mine, softly kissing his knuckles as his tormented eyes sadly look on.

My voice is despondent and quiet, "I'm so sorry, Jonny."

"It's all right; we both knew what we were getting into. I've always known I had to accept the situation between you and Shawn, but when bastards like Denley touch you? Well, that's the final fucking straw."

"He has now gone and we are still here. Please just hold me." I need to feel his arms around me. He somehow always makes everything feel better.

Jonny's mouth lightly caresses my ear. "I want to make love to you, Jessica. I need to take back what is mine. Every single part of you belongs to me. I have to reclaim what is mine. Do you understand?" With a nod, I show him that I understand his need to possess me . . . to own me, once again.

He gently lays me down onto the bed, caressing my arms and thighs with his adoring, unhurried fingers. His soft cushioned lips trace over my neck and my shoulders with possessing precision. Cupping my breast, he squeezes it gently so the feather light touch arouses me. I undress him, easing his clothing seductively over his head. With the gentlest of kisses, I trace the contours of his arms, shoulders and neck. My fingers delightfully run across his torso, back and neck, gliding across his taut and defined body. This man is so fucking beautiful! He closes his eyes, quietly moaning. My mouth searches for his. Only his kiss will satisfy my unsettled soul.

Our kiss is content and calm, light and loving until I playfully bite his lip. He opens his eyes, quickly pulling me to him. He feels for the side zip of my beautiful dress, slowly pulling it down. As it loosens and reveals my exposed breasts, he fondles them. Teasingly taking them into his parted mouth, he tugs on them with his teeth. I moan in ecstasy, it feels so damn good. With my erect nipple still in his hot mouth, I slide my dress completely off and unbutton his jeans. His erection taunts me through the material and I cannot wait to set it free. I help Jonny pull them off; he impatiently kicks the crumpled denim to the floor. He quickly returns to what he was doing, sucking hard on my sensitive nipples. My blissful breath catches. I moan loud against his neck. He then stops his divine assault on my breasts to caress me once more. His light fingers trace invisible lines all over my stomach, breasts and neck with the sensual sweep of his hands.

"Turn over," he commands. I instinctively do as I am asked. He straddles my ass as he begins to caress my shoulders, bending down to kiss and lick the back of my neck. I can feel his hard cock on my lower back and it turns me on, so fucking much. I lay there as his seducing mouth arouses every single part of me. His kisses are moving lower and lower until I feel him stop absolutely dead. "What the fuck are these?" I hear the disgust in Jonny's voice. He quickly jumps off me and sits at the end of the bed. I turn around to face him.

"What?" I ask, still recovering from the loss of his touch against my body.

"Jessica, you have bloody bite marks on your back and ass." Jonny's face is dark with anger; twisted in disgusted shock. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The champagne and Denley made me foolishly forget about Shawn's bite marks. I suddenly feel weighted down by the fact that Jonny has discovered them in this way. Fuck!

I swallow hard as I know I must tell the truth. "They're from Shawn." I stare down at the bed, too fearful to look at Jonny's fuming face.

"I don't fucking believe this." Before I know it, Jonny is standing at the foot of the bed. Pulling up his trousers with an unforgiving anger written all over his face.

I weakly try to explain. "We went out last night and I got drunk. We must have had sex and he got carried away."

Jonny's eyes narrow. "Are you telling me that you don't actually remember fucking your husband?"

I look at my feet. "Not much of it . . . no. I only realised today what had happened while I was dressing for the party. I was with Anna when I saw them."

Jonny's breathing is erratic, his hard stare immobilises me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want you to look at me the way that you are now!"

"Did Anna see them?"

"Yes . . . I showed her."

Jonny throws his arms in the air and looks up at the ceiling. "Well, that's just fucking great. Everyone knew about the marks except me, it would seem?"

"I'm sorry." I try to apologise.

"Sorry for fucking your husband or sorry for fucking your husband and having a great time?"

"You know it's not like that, Jonny." I try to tell him.

"Well, please do tell me what it's like then, Jessica! Because right now, those bite marks show me you've had a great fucking time!" Jonny's voice gets louder.

"I don't remember him biting me, I was too drunk." Once again, I desperately try to explain.

"Shit, Jessica. First Denley, now this. It's hard enough knowing you've had sex with your husband, but to see what he does to you whilst having sex . . . it's too much to bear." He storms into the bathroom, as though he's trying to calm himself down by putting some distance between us. I pull a sheet over my shamed self, protectively bringing up my knees to my chest.

"I'm sorry, Jonny. I was too drunk to even care last night." I painfully say.

Jonny angrily storms back into the bedroom. "Why?"

"I don't know. Everything has been getting on top of me lately. I just had a really bad day yesterday, so I drank to forget it all."

Jonny's hands now rest on his hips. "You never said anything about having a bad day?"

"I didn't want to worry you."

"So instead, you get pissed and have dirty fucking sex with your husband?"

I sigh. "It wasn't like that."

"So tell me, Jessica. I really need some help here; I'm currently drowning in the vision of you with him. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS IT LIKE?" His now beyond angry shout, makes me jump. I put my head between my knees, feeling like I'm about to explode with all the emotions rushing through my veins. With his back to me, Jonny is finding it hard to control himself. He takes a long deep breath, turning back around to face me. I know he's having to dig so very deep, just to remain calm. "This was meant to be a special day, only now, it has been completely ruined." Jonny stops, holding up his index finger. "I get to spend one afternoon and one night with you. Shawn gets to have you all of the other times. I honestly don't think I can share you anymore, Jessica. It's too fucking painful." He sweeps his hand across his furious brow.

I lift my head up to look at him. He's already emotionally pulling away from me. I'm losing the most incredible man to walk this Earth and I can't do one fucking thing about it. Cloud nine is a very high place to free-fall from. Tears fill my eyes and the will to stop them has left me. I start to sob, a sob that takes my breath, constricts my throat and tightens my chest. I'm ceasing to function because I know I am losing him.

Jonny is quickly by my side. "Jessica, I'm sorry. Please don't cry." He sits by my feet, placing his hand on my knees, but touching me conflicts him. He's trying to offer me some comfort, yet it's killing him to do so. What have I done to him?

"I'm so sorry, Jonny." I whimper.

I feel Jonny's grip on my knees, tighten. "We can't keep doing this to one another, Jessica. You know this has to stop, don't you? We're torturing ourselves. We don't even realise it, but we are literally ripping chunks out of one another. I am so fucking scared we will end up hating each other. I don't want that to happen. I can live loving you, but I can't live hating you."

I look at him through glazed and confused eyes. He loves me? The tears won't stop; the pain I feel inside is excruciating. Regardless of his words. I know I have already lost him and it's all my fault. I try to speak but only a choked sob and barely audible words leave my pathetic mouth, "You love me?" I ask. I just need to hear him say it . . . if only just this once.

"Yes." Is all he says.

Our sorrowful eyes lock. All the happiness and hope that once filled them has now gone. Jonny can't bear it any longer; he looks away. "But you think you'll end up hating me?" I ask quietly.

Jonny warily moves closer. "Listen to me, Jessica. That's my point; I'm in love with you. Don't you understand that? I fucking love you so much, I can barely breathe. I know you'll never leave Shawn and I wouldn't ask you to. I thought I had a handle on things but I don't. I just can't cope with this anymore. I can't share you anymore. I've tried to ignore my thoughts and feelings; I tell myself all the time if this is what I have to accept to have you in my life, then I'll do it. But I've fallen in love with you. I need you in my life. Tonight, I've realised that it's never going to happen. It's slowly killing me every time I have to say good-bye to you. I just can't do it anymore . . . I just can't. I'd rather walk away loving you now than to stay and end up despising you. I can't keep torturing myself, week on week, to only end up hating you. I won't do it, Jessica." He stands, walking to the door. He pauses before opening it. "I'm going to sleep in one of the other rooms. Simon will take you home in the morning."

His aloofness hurts so much; I've never experienced it before. I want to cling onto him and never let go, but why prolong his agony when I know I can't say the words he wants to hear? What we have isn't enough for him anymore. I knew this day would eventually come. It was only a matter of time before Jonny would have to walk away. I'm too weak to make a decision, but he is strong, so he's made the decision for me. The hurt I have caused him is plain to see. His pain is something that courses through me. It's that very pain that is currently the only thing that reminds me, I am still alive. All my other emotions have been suffocated by what I've done to him.

"I'm so sorry, Jessica. If I thought there could be any other way, I'd do it, you know I would." His angst-ridden eyes and quivering chin literally rips my heart out.

I bravely look at him through my still-falling tears, the duvet being the only thing that now brings comfort to my chilled and broken body. "I understand, Jonny." I mumble.

"Goodbye, Jessica." His words stab through my heart . . . over and over again. My tears drown my already damp cheeks as the door closes behind him. Everything hurts! It hurts to think, to feel . . . it hurts to even breathe. I look at the now closed door; willing him to walk back in and throw his arms around me, to tell me it's all going to be okay. With each passing second, I realise he's not going to. It's over! He's really gone! Why does it hurt so fucking much? In my head, I continue to scream out the words I should have told him. I love you too, Jonny! I love you more than I can ever understand! More than I've ever loved anyone before! I curl up into a foetal ball on the bed, which should've been where Jonny was going to be beside me. Knowing that this was it . . . it's finally over!

Today has been a day full of revelations. Today was the first time I'd actually admitted to myself, just how much I was in love with Jonny. It's okay to say it to myself, but I was too afraid to say it to him. If I had said those words to him, it would have meant our relationship was evolving. The progression of our relationship would involve having the unthinkable conversation about leaving my husband and hurting my girls. That was something I just couldn't yet face, and Jonny knew it. I was fully aware of how Jonny found it incredibly hard about me and Shawn. I remember his reaction when he first found out we were still having sex. God, that seems like a lifetime ago now. I knew someday, something would have to give. Today was that day. Maybe the terrible feeling I had all day yesterday was some kind of foreboding? My sixth sense was trying to tell me, "your life was about to shatter into unfixable pieces."

I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. My punishment for falling in love with another man; is not being able to be with that man. I've had to sacrifice my own feelings, to spare my husband and daughters, of theirs. I knew my being married was slowly killing Jonny; killing us.

I deserve all of the pain and anguish for doing that to him.

Although Shawn, Lissy and Lottie are all blissfully unaware, I deserve every hurting bit of it because of what I've done to them, too. I deserve to suffer in silence for every cruel fucking thing I have ever done. I was mad to think I could carry on with both Jonny and Shawn, but I was too afraid to confront my feelings. I knew I was in love with Jonny, but I couldn't hurt Shawn and the girls. So I kept going, when all along I knew I was on borrowed time.

The closing of the door is ironic. Jonny has closed the door to us. I wasn't going to beg and plead. That would be selfish. Jonny wanted me to make a decision but it was one that was too painful and impossible to make. So Jonny made the decision for me. He loved me enough to let me go. His desperate actions, only makes me love him even more.

*TISSUES, ANYONE?
I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS SO FAR ON THE STORY
K B xxxxxx