So big warning, this chapter has Connor's suicide note and his motives and it talks a lot about suicide so... But there's also mother/son bonding time too so that's fun. Also this chapter takes place like right after Evan hears about Connor's attempt and before he's visited him.

"Jared he's gone, and I want him back so much, and I know I shouldn't. But he's just so good looking. He kisses good too, you know. And when he was unconscious, he still looked so hot, I mean... um...." This was probably the strangest talk Jared and Evan had ever had, and Evan once watched Jared eat a bath bomb... although there had probably been weirder than the bath bomb.

"Evan, all I can say is you're gay. Just admit it. You've only ever had feelings for Zoe. You're getting the Murphys mixed up."

"Jared, I don't –." Jared hung up. Evan closed his laptop and flopped back onto his bed. He felt something in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. Connor's suicide note, to be exact. "I guess I should...." He hadn't read the note. That would make it so much more real.

But, hey, Evan figured that if Connor survived, he could help him out. So, he unfolded the letter and almost cried upon seeing the "Dear Evan Hansen" at the top. He listened for footsteps outside his room, but there were none, meaning his mother probably wasn't home. She did a lot of pacing.

Evan figured he'd read the letter out loud, since he could, and since he would remember it better if he read it out loud. He took a deep breath. "Dear Evan Hansen,

I know you were trying to make me think so, but it turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I didn't love you.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone if I just disappeared tomorrow? I'm just Connor, and according to everyone but you, there's either a school shooting or a suicide in my future, and I don't really have the energy to kill anyone.

Sincerely, Me."

By the end of the letter, Evan was crying for what seemed like the millionth time in the past week. This was the most he had cried. He was making noise, which was weird, since he tended to be pretty good at crying quietly. The letter was crumpled up in his hands, and his face had tears racing down it. He heard his door creak open, and arms wrapped around him.

His mother's voice quieted him and calmed him down. "Shh, you're safe. You're okay. It's gonna be okay."

He looked up at her face. She gave him an encouraging smile. "What's going on, Evan? You had that boy over and you wouldn't talk to me about him, and now you're crying at this piece of paper. What's wrong?"

"Connor," Evan whispered.

"Who?"

"His name is Connor. He's my friend."

"I remember you going to school with a Connor when you were a little kid. How come I haven't heard about him since your, um, dad moved out?"

"I dunno," Evan mumbled.

"I remember you said you kissed him back in kindergarten." Evan blushed a bright red, looking away. "You kissed him when he was here too just a few days ago." Evan's face got redder.

"H-he, um, he kissed me...." His mother nodded, a knowing smile playing on her lips.

"Uh huh. Why are you crying over this Connor? I mean, if he kissed you and you didn't consent, he sounds like a jerk."

"No!" Evan shouted. Heidi raised an eyebrow. "I-I mean he isn't a jerk. H-he was... drunk." He waited for his mother's reaction.

"You weren't?" Evan shook his head.

"Connor, um... he did, um, give me some once before... but it's gross! I won't do it again!" His mother laughed, nodding.

"Why's this guy worth the tears?"

"He... he's my best friend."

"So?"

"He tried to kill himself." Heidi was silent. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it.

After a few seconds, Heidi spoke again. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"Dunno," Evan mumbled. "Coma." Heidi put her arms around her son again.

"Have you visited him yet?" Heidi asked him. Evan shook his head. "How about you go see him tomorrow?" Evan nodded, and she left him alone in his room.

Okay so now that that's over I have some shit to say.

1.) Listen, I know I've made Evan cry a lot but it's kinda in a venty way because life is kind of a piece of shit and it's summer break so I can't see my friends/partner (although I don't actually have friends aside from them so y'know) as much and depression, dysphoria, and anxiety are hitting hard and my family is being a piece of shit because apparently only adults get to be stressed and there's more but I probably shouldn't talk about it anymore because I'm assuming you don't care about an internet stranger. Anyways, that's why I make him cry. (it's sort of therapeutic because I don't feel so alone when I write about crying)

2.) Shoutout to    for being the first person to   comment, vote, and I'm pretty sure even see my shit aside from my irl partner.<3 It really does mean a lot (see my little vent above to see that my family is shitty at the moment)

~ Sea (btw to the bish/fucking best person ever (Mel) who knows me irl and knows that i changed my name to Sea without telling you, I hope you don't give a shit because you know that my name keeps changing)