🎵 songs that inspired me for this chapter 🎵

Good thing - Zedd & Kehlani

Speechless - Dan + Shag & Tori Kelly

Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer

A Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope

Hurts So Good - Astrid S

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❀ -- sienna garcia -- ❀

I tilt my head left and right in attempts to crack my stiff neck joints after an intense three-hour work session.

My groggy eyes relax its muscles as I shift my gaze to the sapphire blue evening sky in the far distance. Beautiful constellations greet me and congratulate me on my achievement of completing the blueprints for our project.

My hands fly above my head instinctively and the sides of my torso feel a tight stretch. The crisp evening air fills my lungs completely, rejuvenating my overworked soul.

"Hey," He greets from behind as he returns from the restroom, and my shoulders jump in shock.

"Wh-What the hell dude!" I scream, exasperated by his constantly unwanted presence today.

I'd spent the past three hours with a stranger I don't even know and the tell-tale signs of social exhaustion are already slowly closing on me.

"Woah, chill. I apologize for scaring you like that. I didn't think you'd have such a big reaction." "You think?!" I retort and comb my fringe up.

"Do you wanna take a stroll?" He asks cooly and shrugs as his hands go to his trouser pockets.

"That's a dumb question," I frown. We're both headed towards the bus stop, so that question's a no-brainer.

I shove my stationery into my backpack hastily so that he doesn't have to stand around and watch me keep my stuff. It's really unnerving for me anyway.

Our legs move in strange unison, each stride in complete sync with the other as we amble our way to the bus stop outside.

"Well, you could, but that'll be quite a pity, don't you think? The sky's really pretty tonight," He grins and looks upwards, possibly gesturing for me to do the same but I refuse to.

His broad shoulders bump against mine a few times by accident as we struggle to figure a comfortable distance between each other. He doesn't acknowledge it, and neither do I.

The neighborhood playground comes into view and he changes direction towards it.

"I'm sorry for earlier on," He says softly as we take a seat on a bench positioned before the children slide. The cool light from the lamppost does much to illuminate the dark space and the place looks as good in the dark as it does busking in light.

I look up from my fingers and for the first time today, give attention to the way his eyes fail to emit as much hope as before.

"I just thought that because we had talked the night before, you might want to tell me about this other... 'thing' that's going on too," He smiles sadly and brings his eyes down to his intertwined hands that are now gripped tightly against each other.

My heart softens at his gesture and I wonder why I pushed him away so hard today. All he tried to do was help.

"No it's okay, I want to apologise too," I say and he looks up, surprised. "I just felt really threatened by your presence. Like it was something foreign I didn't want to have to deal with, you know? With all this settling ongoing on for me, I don't really have any energy left to expend on anymore..."

"Unfamiliarity." I smile and nod in agreement.

I have no idea what's coming over me because for the past few days I've been comfortable being outgoing, making new friends, but it feels as though I've completely snapped today.

"I know this is going to sound weird, but I'd really like to get to know you better, Averie," He smiles endearingly and those darned dimples show themselves, causing my frail heart to skip two consecutive beats.

I don't habour any romantic feelings for Brion, but no one's been so eager to come closer ever since... as far as I can remember (which I can't).

I don't think I've ever paid special attention to him, as apologetic as I am about it. He's not your typical prince charming - 5 feet 4, quiet and studious; you get the idea. I've always been under the impression that he's another one of the scholars, but during the short span of time we've spent together today, there seems to be more than meets the eye.

"Do you have dinner at home?" He asks abruptly. I shake my head, "I don't think so. I told them not to keep much for me because the work's gonna take a while."

"Shall we have dinner together then?" He suggests, emotionless. No signs of enthusiasm for a dinner date, but not his usual meek facade either.

I guess I really don't get him.

"Sure," I agree anyway, out of sheer necessity to get some food into my system.

--

He takes note of my address and brings us to a laidback cafe not too far off from where I stay. The place has a pleasantly chilled atmosphere, with rustic decorations lining the sidewalls and indie beats playing in the background. We choose to sit outside nonetheless, where it's alfresco.

I pick a smoked salmon sandwich off the full-day lunch menu and he goes for the creamy mushroom and chicken pasta. The cashier lady is an awful lot polite, I wonder where her professionalism stems from. I mean, I never thought someone could look so self-fulfilled working in a cafe.

She passes us a number card with the imprints '51' and I carry it outside to our table.

My palms are a little clammy, probably due to the fact that I'm not quite comfortable around Brion yet. He doesn't say much to keep up the atmosphere either; he's too busy digging deep into his haversack for something and giving me occasional awkward grins when he realises I'm (low-key) staring.

The cashier lady comes round our table within a shockingly short span of 5 minutes (how'd they even whip up food that fast?! Unless... It's not exactly fresh).

She removes the card and replaces it with the heavenly aromatic trayed dishes and I'm eye-smiling so hard I don't even notice it; that is, till my cheeks start turning sour at the build-up of lactic acid.

My hand reaches into my bag for my water bottle and I fish out my one-liter Nalgene water bottle with much ease, given it's too bulky to miss. I'm about to take an appetite-whetting sip-

"Oh um, excuse me," Brion calls out when the lady has turned two feet away.

"Can I have two glasses of water?" He smiles at her and I wonder why he's more confident with the cashier lady than with me.

"Sure, would you like them warm or cold?" She asks in an understanding tone, despite us making her make the extra trip to and fro.

He looks over and I clear my throat, "Uh... Cold."

"We'll have two glasses of cold water. Thank you," He says.

"You're observant," I compliment when the lady is back at the counter filling two plastic cups with ice water. "I didn't even realise that I was out of water until you requested some."

He smiles but doesn't reply to that. "Actually, there's been something I've been wanting to pass you for a while now," He says and pulls a book out from behind his back. The title reads 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck.

"For me?" I repeat, disbelieving. Why would he have something for me?

"Just have a read, I promise you won't regret it," He beams and never have I seen him more sure about anything. "It taught me quite a bit about life and I'm sure it'll do so for you too."

"Ah," He adds on as an afterthought, "Promise me one thing though." I gulp.

What could he possibly want from me? He sure is full of surprises.

"Promise me you'll pass the book on to someone else after you're done reading it, just the way I'm passing it to you," He says and I take a sigh of relief. Nothing much. Just passing a book to me so I can do the world a service by passing the favour on-

Hold on.

"Why me?" I ask, eyes wide and suspicious. That's a very apt question to ask, in my opinion.

"That's a question I ask myself a lot too," He swirls the ice cube around in his cup as he replies.

"I don't know, but there's just something about you that's very special and very different from the rest of them."

"Ah," I say, not knowing how else to respond.

"And you remind me of someone I used to know," The life in his eyes dim a little, and it dawns on me I might have probed into something I shouldn't have.

--

I slump my back against the wall and allow the hot tears to flow down my cheeks. A cold shiver runs down my spine as my eyelids draw close. Tension rises in my chest, gripping and twisting me from the inside.

"Help me," I cry meekly, hoping someone will slap me in the face to wake me up from all of this.

I pinch myself, just to see if I'm capable of feeling any more pain. I do.

Still, it's not enough. The short-lived sensation does nothing to relieve every single nerve fiber that screams to be doused.

I need more.

I pull the cabinet door open and rummage through my cosmetic bag, pleased when I find my pimple popper tool. I giggle a little at the sight, amused at my little antics.

I pull off the pink hoodie that I have on, along with the thin white tee shirt that I'm wearing inside. Then goes my jeans and my panties.

I let them drop onto the floor and then pick them up before shoving them hastily into the basket. I'm almost too eager to enter the stand-up shower that I forget my bra.

Impatiently, I wriggle my neon orange sports bra off and toss it into the basket. I'm careful not to let the glass door slam behind me, in case anyone comes rushing in - that'll be the last thing I need.

I pull the shower head off its holder and bring it down with me as I take a seat in the corner of the shower area. My thigh muscles relax a little as warm water flows out, soothing my nerves.

With my thumb and index finger, I pull the needle cover off and a pointy tip that greets me. I allow my fingertip to press gently against the tip, just to see how much force it would take to pierce through a layer of skin.

It's really sharp, I wince, feeling a little scared now. Taking in a deep breath, I lower the tool and angle it towards the inner of my right thigh.

The left one's a little harder to work with, given I'm a right-hander. My forearm tenses as I let it dip into my flesh. I chew down on my lower lip, tears resurfacing in my eyes. A strangled 'ah' is stifled in the depths of my stomach as I will myself to breathe.

Once, twice. The sting subsides and my grip on the thin piece of metal loosens. You can do it Averie, it'll be worth it.

I drag the instrument toward myself slowly, cutting through the thin layer of flesh just beneath the skin. My body is refusing to cooperate as a searing pain shoots through and I have no choice but to pause.

"Sienna! Are you in there?" A familiar voice booms from outside and I start panicking. I look down at my naked self, now surrounded by pinkish liquid. If not for the shock I would think it's a rather pretty shade of pink.

"W-Who are you?" I squeak. I tuck the pimple popper behind my back just in case.

"It's me, Kaiden," He says.

"Why are you here?"

"What are you doing inside? Please open the door," He says, worry thick in his voice.

"I can't... I'm showering," I lie without batting an eyelid.

"You force me to," He says, and I can do nothing but watch as the doorknob swivels and a tall figure allows himself to slip in. My eyes widen at the sight.

I forgot to lock the damned door?! You've got to be kidding me, Averie.

I cross my arms over my chest protectively and retreat further into the shower.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kaiden whispers as he opens the shower door and kneels down beside me.

"T-t-taking a shower?" I stutter, unable to look at him straight in those pretty brown orbs. "Please go, I'm-I'm almost done," I say.

My hands start trembling again and I shut my thighs close, praying he doesn't notice anything weird going on, or the slightly pinked water that skirts around my legs.

"Sitting down? You shower sitting down?" He asks again, glance unrelenting.

"Please, you shouldn't be here. This is inappropriate," I plea, close to sobs. I bury my face in my knees as the stupidity of the situation dawns on me. Having Kaiden around to witness me in my most pitiful moments is beyond humiliating.

"Look at me, Sienna," He says and tilts my chin up with his fingers but I refuse to let him catch a glimpse of my swollen eyes so I push his hand aside and hug my legs even tighter in defense. My jet black hair falls over my shoulders and blocks everything out so that I feel safe enough to let the salty tears trickle down my lap.

"Sienna," He tries again and tucks my hair behind my left ear.

"Kaid-" I sit up to tell him to leave but instead I'm silenced when he latches his lips onto mine. His lips are soft and warm, just like I had always dreamt of them to be.

He sucks on my lower lip gently and I find myself crumbling into a million pieces under his touch. It takes all my resolve to push against his chest and stop him, "What are you doing?"

"I love you. Don't you dare do such stupid things to yourself," He says, eyes drilling intensely into mine. I can't help but notice how his breath has gone shallow and the way his pupils are now dilated.

"How did you know..?" I ask. I look down at my legs and the bleeding has stopped.

"How could I not know?" Kaiden says and advances again, driving me up against the wall.

"Kaiden," I gasp as my back comes into contact with the cold white marble wall behind me. My senses are heightened all at once, with the stark contrasts of stinging pain in my thighs and the fluttering of my heart.

He takes my arms and puts them around his neck. His hands then snake across my waist and he hoists my heavy torso up so that I'm now straddling his lap.

The rough material of his pants makes me awfully aware of the fact that I'm fully naked, not to mention that his pants are soaking up water as it flows out of the showerhead.

He moves to my neck and sucks gently on a spot above my collarbone. "Oh my gosh," I shudder as the sensation makes an awfully embarrassing warmth pool at the bottom of my stomach and grip tightly against his shoulders.

"Shit, I can't hold myself back if you keep this up," Kaiden says, voice husky as I've never ever heard before. Somehow it turns me on and shoves the dirtiest thoughts into my mind.

"Do me," I say timidly, looking down at the small distance that separates us.

He doesn't say anything for five seconds, and I'm unsure if he heard me. "Sienna, you're not thinking straight," He swallows.

"I may not be but I really need you right now," I plea, hoping he'll distract my senses from my misery with his touch.

"Damn it," he cusses and I feel a strong, significant bulge growing beneath.

"Please," I whisper and tug at the hem of his pickle green shirt. My heart is about to explode in my chest and I know the same goes for him, given the veins in his temples that have now become more prominent than before.

"I'm not going to taste you because I don't want this to be awkward for you, okay?" I nod.

"Do you want me to finger you?" He looks me straight in the eyes and I blush at the mention. Never did I ever think I would be answering such a dirty question, especially with Kaiden.

I bite down hard on my lower lip, unsure of how I should be answering him. "Sienna," He calls again, dragging me out of my thoughts-flooded mind.

"I'm scared, but yes," I say, closing my eyes.

"Tell me if it hurts or if you want me to stop, okay?" He says and I nod again. He puts me down from his lap, against the corner of the cubicle and pulls my hips towards him.

He enters two fingers slowly and my abdominal muscles clamp down tightly in reflex. The feeling of his cold fingers is so foreign yet something about it makes me crave more.

"You alright?" Kaiden asks, and I nod too eagerly. I carve my fingernails into my palms when he withdraws and pushes them in again slowly.

My chest heats up with need and my hips buckle when he repeats. His going slow is crazy thoughtful but it's almost torturous too.

"Faster," I whimper, feeling a pressure build-up in the pits of my stomach. Kaiden responds accordingly, and I have to bite down on my fingers to contain the close-to-ecstasy build up.

"Sienna I can't find it," Kaiden breathes hard and the mere sound of his voice threatens to send me over the edge.

I'm supposed to answer but my mind is fogged up with lustful hormones and no coherent answer falls off my lips. Kaiden continues, occasionally hitting a spot that would send my nerves tingling.

"You're-almost-there," I pant, hips thrusting against his fingers of their own accord. Kaiden shifts slightly and my insides explode with four more thrusts.

I go dizzy when Kaiden seals my lips with his, stifling any of my words with the kiss so that no one else hears us. He doesn't stop as I recover, easing me out of my high slowly.

I rest my back against the wall, feeling the rise and dip of my chest as I wear my state of euphoria out. "I love you," I say as I open my eyes to find him raking his eyes across my body.

I would fling my arms around my body in embarrassment but something about the chemicals messing my brain causes me to reach out for the zipper in his trousers.

Kaiden grabs my hands and stops me, "No."

I look up, disappointed, "Why? I know you need this too."

"We're not ready for this," He says and I marvel at his willpower to stay true to rationale at this point.

"Stop being a coward and admit it," I push, feeling like I'm going to cry for some reason.

"I..." he says and I look away immediately, breaking down into uncontrollable sobs. I feel pathetic for wanting him so badly, only to realise he's never ever felt the same.

I use up my last bit of self-sympathy and will myself to stop the sobbing, "Go, Kaiden."

"You don't even know half of how bad I want you," he holds me by the shoulders and positions me towards him. He locks eyes with mine and it makes my insides turn into goo with the intensity of his gaze.

"Then why?" I say.

"I don't want to jeopardize things between us."

"But damn it," He ruffles his hair and pulls me close against him — lips, chest, soul. I'm caught off guard by his sudden action, passion, I almost forget to breathe, not till he lets go five seconds later. His blood-red lips send my heart beating erratically and I have to shift my focus to the blade on the sink countertop to get a grip on myself.

"Promise you'll stab me here," I push my hair aside to show him the exact spot, "with the scissors over there when it's over," I say, and mixed emotions flash across his eyes.

"What?" He blinks, confused.

"Just promise me," I lean in and plant a kiss on his cheek. When I pull away he strokes my cheek and tugs strands of hair behind my left ear.

"You're so beautiful I don't know what to do," he chews on his lower lip, drawing attention to his toned body.

I get on my knees and crawl an inch closer, straddling his lap. I hold his hands, place them on the sides of my hips and he tilts his head up to look at me.

Kaiden closes the distance between our lips and I trace his sharp jawline which tenses under every touch. I breathe in his seaside freshness and commit it to memory, for fear of ever forgetting it.

He tugs gently on my lower lip, teasing, and another rush of warm moisture pools between my legs. My hands move down his chest, stomach, and his abdominals tense, making them more defined than I had ever realised.

My fingers reach the hem of his shirt and I give it a twist, before mustering the courage to pull it upwards. Kaiden assists, pulling it off the crook of his neck.

My breath hitches in my throat as I take the sight in, feeling lightheaded already. He senses my hesitation and undoes his pants slowly. "You alright?"

I nod to tell him I'm okay. I watch in silence as Kaiden pulls his boxers down, revealing his manhood. I get a little frightened when I realise his size — it's not pornographically enormous, but part of me worries that it's going to hurt.

Not to mention that part of me feels like pulling out already because I've never done this before.

"I'm a little scared," I confess, looking away so it doesn't feel like I'm staring.

He holds up my hands, "That's okay, we can stop now if you want to."

The proximity injects a sudden surge of courage, and suddenly I feel a lot braver. "No, it's okay, just go slow," I say and bring my arms behind his neck.

He nods and lowers me a little so only the upper half of my back leans against the wall. Sucking in a deep breath, I raise my legs and wrap myself around his torso.

Our sexes touch and I shudder at the contact. "Ugh," I groan, shutting my eyes as need surges through my blood.

"I love you, Sienna," Kaiden says and angles himself before entering.

"Oh my God," I cry as my vaginal walls stretch hard like never before. Kaiden goes strong but slow, not wanting to hurt me by any sudden movements.

Condom. We need a condom if we don't want to be teenage parents. But I open my eyes to take him in and all sense goes out of the window.

I swear I wouldn't mind being pregnant with his child if that's what it takes for us to be together forever. We could face the gossip and the judgement together.

Heck, we could even escape together to a place where no one would ever find us and all we ever need would just be each other, for the rest of eternity.

"I'm okay you can go faster, Kai," I say, looking him in the eyes to convince him that I'm really fine.

"Okay," he responds and starts moving his hips in circular motions, eliciting another gasp from me as he explores every possible angle.

If I leave now, I'm glad I had this moment with you. Memories from the first time we met to practice as a duet to those of which we made when we studied together flashes past, and tears well up in my eyes. I don't know if I can bear the heartache of losing him when I go.

The devil strikes again and messes with my mind, making it difficult to even take another breath of air. The agony of living strikes hard, crushing me to the core and the only thing that's keeping me together is him.

"I'm close," Kaiden says in his husky voice, perspiration beading his flawless forehead.

I wrap my arms around him tighter, leaning up to whisper into his ear, "I love you." I really really do.

He nestles his face in my shoulder and his thrusts become increasingly uncontrollable and sloppy. A gush of warm liquid surges and he collapses on me, the full measure of his body weight from above.

I stretch out my left hand and reach for the pair of metal scissors, gripping it right with the sharp end facing myself. I don't tell Jasper I never peaked because he's all that matters now.

While he's recovering, I shove the blades deep into my neck, and I feel it pierce through the arteries. The sudden jerk catches Jasper's attention and he turns over.

My vision starts to blur when my breaths start becoming shallower, and I catch a glimpse of Jasper's outline as he hovers above me, shouting my name.

"I love you," I whisper with all the strength I have left, and a lone tear trickles down my cheek.

"No!" He screams, and my eyelids become way too heavy to keep open.

I prop myself up with my palms.

My skin is bumpy with goosebumps and the hairs stand at attention. My heart rate is at its maximum, and part of me wonders if I've already reached the gates of Heaven.

I look down at my thighs - nothing. My hand flies to the side of my neck, where I was supposed to have been stabbed, and oddly, there is nothing of that sort.