Kieran stayed with Naomi and Felicity as the latter filled a plate with fried rice, chicken wings, and pierogies at the patio table. Austin had opted to play video games with Jake in the basement, leaving Felicity to mingle here, but she smiled and looked at the crowd like she didn't mind a crowd of strangers or her boyfriend's close friendship. Brinny had disappeared, but Rusty was still playing with Cleo, who'd put him in his place if he nipped too much. 

If Brinny wasn't with him or Naomi, who was she with? Had she wandered off to call Cole?

"I'm going to do a lap and make sure everyone's alright, you okay?" Naomi asked Kieran.

"Yes. Tell me if you see Brinny. I shouldn't have ditched her." He'd assumed she'd stay with Naomi, but she hadn't.

"Of course, but I think she's good."

That grin told Kieran that Naomi knew something she wasn't sharing. So Brinny had hit it off with someone. He hadn't loved how instantly the short, curly-haired guy had fixed his stare on her, but Kieran was also extra protective after he and others had hurt her. If Brinny wanted to flirt, who was he to stop her? Perhaps she'd leave Cole, who was terrible for her.

Naomi reached up and pulled Kieran into a tender kiss. She grinned and whispered, "I have a surprise for you later."

"Ooh?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You'll like it." She winked and strode off as if she hadn't both confused and turned him on.

Felicity approached with a full plate. "You look perplexed."

"She said something quite perplexing."

Felicity laughed. "If you want a second opinion, I love puzzles."

"What does it mean when an asexual person tells you they have a surprise you'll like, and they wink?"

She chuckled and picked up a spring roll. "It sounds like a good thing for you."

"But what kind of good thing? I don't want to look like an asshole for expecting the wrong situation."

She shrugged. "You know her better than I do."

"Is it normal to second guess everything?"

Felicity's cheeks dimpled as she laughed. "You're more successful than you think with this relationship. She seems happy and comfortable. What Austin has shared about you two confirms that too. I suspect that wherever you are intimacy-wise, she may be ready to take a tiny step further."

It was reassuring he wasn't the only one to assume that. But Felicity was allosexual too, so they might be misreading this. Naomi may have gotten him a gift or something else he'd enjoy in a non-sexual way. It was that wink. He exhaled. No sense in fretting. He'd find out later.

"Thanks. Did you want to rejoin the gaming dungeon or this circle fest?"

Felicity chuckled as they were usually the outsiders at game night. "Let's enjoy the great outdoors."

They walked toward Shivanna, Marc, Nimkii and a handful of others he'd only met briefly.

"Kieran, come sit, we'll make space." Shivanna stood from her green lawn chair. 

She and her girlfriend scooted over to leave two open chairs. Kieran searched for his own chair, not trusting those regular folding ones with a only few screws holding the fabric in place. His was sturdy enough to support him and another person.

"Naomi will return in a minute too," Kieran added.

"I'm not sure she'll sit down for that long," Shivanna joked, making Marc laugh as he and Nimkii shifted to allow space for her too.

"She is an Energizer bunny," Marc said.

"That tracks with our dates. We've gone walking, canoeing, hiking, and she even took me rollerblading. I'm still sore! If I keep this up, we'll be running a marathon for our six-month anniversary." 

Felicity's and Naomi's friends laughed with Kieran.

Marc turned to Shivanna. "Didn't she and Luke do the Manitoba Marathon?"

She nodded.

Naomi had brought up Luke too, the nice boyfriend she'd liked but who couldn't handle her asexuality. Of course, the guy was an athlete, like her other friends, minus Shivanna, to remind Kieran he was an outsider.

"Am I Naomi's only non-athletic boyfriend?" Kieran asked.

Shivanna and Marc glanced at each other. "There was one who worked at the movie theatre."

"They went on a few dates, but I wouldn't really call it dating. He got us into that staff-only midnight show," Shivanna said.

"I disappear for a minute, and you're sharing my dating history?" Naomi shot a look at Marc and Shivanna, who frowned and glanced at the grass.

He patted the chair beside him. "It's fine. I asked if I was the only non-athletic guy you've dated, so if you blame anyone, it should be me."

"I had the question about Luke and the marathon first. It's on me," Marc said, proving again that he was a decent person, unlike his roommate.

"I may enjoy sports, but there's more to a partner than that. Kieran, you're the sweetest person. Even when there's nothing for you to gain, you support me, care about me, and accept me. That is the most important. Full stop." She stood behind him and placed her hand on his shoulder. 

His throat choked up before he could reply.

"To Kieran." Shivanna raised her glass, and everyone else chorused and sipped their drinks. 

His beer tasted better and crisper than it had all day. After returning the can to his cup holder, he reached up to squeeze Naomi's hand. While she was no stranger to complimenting him when they were alone, her immediate rush to defend him in front of all of her friends meant a lot.

"And I would like to toast to my amazing partner Louisa." Shivanna held up her glass. "This is new, but we have an incredible bond. When I'm lost in my art or buried in work, you sit in the mess with me and pull me out. Here's to less work and more awesome adventures together."

Louisa pulled Shivanna into a passionate kiss that had the others, especially her friends, cheering.

Naomi took a seat beside Kieran, smiling as the next person proposed a toast. The tradition continued between couples and friends, spreading love and positivity.

"You started something," he said.

"It was unintentional."

"That's the thing about kindness. It ricochets and changes the environment as it moves through it, just like you."

Naomi chuckled. "That's an oversell of my impact."

"Nah. Before we met, I wouldn't have been open to this. Most people aren't like you. They don't brush aside my weight like it's nothing, they don't declare how much I mean to them in front of people who matter to them, and they would rather see me fail as I am than succeed in any way other than their view of normal. By their logic, I should have started 'working on myself' to earn your attention and love, and when I'm fit and muscular, you would notice me."

"I don't care about that. I like that you're big and intimidating to other people, but a total softie for me, and that your reaction when seeing delicious food is, let's share that without hesitation. We're active together too, and we do fun things."

"Too bad I missed our kiss moment."

"You didn't miss it."

Naomi drew him into a kiss that grew intense from them both. The past couple of weeks, she seemed to bother love and thrive on their intensity. When she pulled away, she surprised him by inviting him into the house. He let her lead him through the patio door, to the hallway, and into her bedroom. His heart hammered as she grinned up at him, and they kissed again. Perhaps, he and Felicity weren't wrong.

When she pulled back, she said she'd be right back and dashed to the closet that tucked her out of view.

Kieran sat on the soft bed and caught his breath. He had to manage his expectations and control himself. They weren't having sex since Naomi's furthest reach within her comfort zone was making out with all their clothes on, plus the house was full of people. But she did giggle and breathily whisper his name when he kissed down her neck, which was one of his new favourite things to do.

Let her lead. It'll be a tiny step forward.  

When she returned, his breath caught in his throat. She ran her hands over the bottom of a black lacey camisole which dipped into a V, revealing the gentle curves of her breasts, and left some of her stomach exposed. He gripped her comforter to keep him from running up and kissing her senselessly.

She glanced at him with a shy smile. "What do you think?"

"You look amazing."

She blushed and ambled over to him, biting her lip. As thrilled as he was, something didn't seem right. Usually, Naomi made more eye contact and smiled when she approached him, but her earlier one had faded and her footsteps slowed as she neared.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and her knees on either side of his legs. As she lowered herself onto his lap, she closed her eyes. That stunning ass of hers pressed onto him, and he fought to pay attention to the rest of her. It was impossible to hide his excitement.

He ran a hand over her shoulders, which tensed. "Naomi, are you okay with this?"

She nodded more quickly than normal and swallowed. "Of course."

"Are you sure?" When he moved his hands to her waist, which he'd done in the past, she cringed but smiled a second later.

"Yeah."

"I can tell you're lying."

She averted her gaze and inhaled shakily. "Is it still lying if you wish it were true?"

Why was she pushing herself to do this? Seeing her in this condition was the last thing he wanted their relationship to be. 

"Yes, let's stop and talk about this, okay?"

Naomi climbed off of him, and her body shook as she lay down, wrapping her arms around her stomach. Kieran searched in her closet and found a t-shirt to toss to her, which she reluctantly tugged on.

He laid down across from her on his side, giving her some distance.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want to cuddle?"

She looked up at him and inched closer. After she lay her head and palm on his chest and sighed, he rested a hand on her shoulder. Other than their breathing and the light music from the living room, it was silent. 

It weighed down on him like an anvil. 

He longed to pull her into a full embrace and reassure her, but she stared blankly at the ceiling with glossy eyes. Physically they were in the same space, but she wasn't really here. He had to let her come back when she was ready.

He couldn't determine why she'd do this when she was uncomfortable. Had he said something that implied he needed more? Their relationship was everything to him.

But Austin's words returned from the day they'd discussed discomfort returned to him. 

"Sometimes, it hits you unexpectedly. Everything will feel great and one weird touch will set you off, suddenly warmth and affection morph into tension and discomfort. And it's not always a new experience either. Felicity is always understanding about it. She never pressures or questions me, and it helps a lot. At first, I would be embarrassed, but now I tell her the mood vanished, and we do something else."

While Kieran and Naomi had made out and she had sat on his lap once before without issue, her being that exposed was new. She hadn't seemed nervous when she proposed it. Regardless of why it made her uncomfortable, they'd need to talk about it since her distance and tense body showed she wasn't okay. 

Five long minutes later, she muttered, "I'm sorry," hardly louder than the muffled music. 

"Naomi, you never need to apologize about this."

"But I like you so much, and I wanted to do this. I planned it out, and it just..." She fixed her gaze on the ceiling again.

"Didn't feel right," he finished the sentence for her. It was sweet she planned this for him.

"It's not fair. I've done this before. And you're different and amazing and..." Tears clung to the corners of her eyes.

"The mood vanished?"

"Yeah."

He squeezed her shoulder. "I'm not surprised or upset. I hope you know that."

"But isn't it frustrating?" She stared at him like she wanted to challenge his answer.

"Honestly, I've been expecting this. This is how you described asexuality. Your heart is on a different page than your body. You're fine one minute, and it changes the next with no explanation."

"I said that?"

Once he nodded, she finally smiled a little.

"This is being asexual, and it's absolutely normal," he said.

She snorted. "It doesn't feel normal or pleasant."

"It's unsettling when your girlfriend thinks she has to fight her discomfort to impress you."

"Touché."

"I'm not expecting your asexuality to vanish because we care about each other. I talk to people on the AVEN forums with asexual partners and Austin and Felicity, who go through this too. When I say this is normal, it's because it is. It happens to other aces to allosexual people too. Some days will go how you plan and others won't. That's okay. I will never be upset with you for voicing your discomfort, and it will never diminish my feelings for you."

Naomi pulled herself into his chest and clung to him as he rubbed soothing circles on her back. He hoped she felt okay about today.

"You're amazing, you know that right?" he whispered.

She snorted like she didn't believe him.

"You are, and nothing will change my mind." He tenderly kissed her forehead.

Some chapters leave you raw after writing them, and this is one of those. Accepting your asexuality is hard especially when navigating a relationship with an allosexual person where you want to be and feel close to your partner and reciprocate the love they show you in a way they'd appreciate. Often you put more pressure on yourself than they will put on you and it can lead to a sense of shame or failure. This was one of those moments, I didn't look forward to writing into the book, but I also knew that if I had ever read or seen a moment like this depicted when I was younger, it would have spared me some emotional pain and self-criticizing. 

As always, if you see anything that seems problematic or that needs fixing, please let me know. Your feedback helps me see which parts of the story are landing as intended and which ones need adjustment.

Part 2 of this chapter will be out this Saturday. It has a bit more conversation between Kieran and Naomi, a chat with Marc, and a cute little couples' moment I couldn't resist adding.

Asexuality note: 

I was reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen, who has many fantastic insights into asexuality and sexuality as well as its intersectionality with racism and sexism. It's a great read that I highly recommend. 

In chapter 9, she notes when writing about her experience she wanted to embellish her sex life with her current allo partner because she worried about what people might think or how that might reflect on her partner. She admits she was far more bothered than he was. 

She also says when talking about fears she has about her relationships: "For all that I am steeped in ace discourse, I would sometimes feel terrible late at night and burst out that I hated being ace, that I wished I were "normal," that if I could choose, I would choose to be otherwise."

It was both heartbreaking and reassuring to hear that someone who can share so much about the asexual experience, who has interviewed and connected with others in that space, and who has gone through that journey still fights with that. So if you're ace and have felt that way, know that self-acceptance isn't easy or necessarily linear. You're not alone. I hope that as generations go by and asexuality is more widely represented and understood, the feeling fades for asexual people.