A Dead Conversation

“So…you’re Death?”

“Maybe. I’ve been given lots of names in lots of languages. From your world, I personally like La Muerte. Sounds like some sexy salsa.”

“Rrright. You sure you’re Death?”

“Yeah. Well, probably to you.”

“So are you evil?”

“Are you one of the people that associates me with some Fallen One dude? ‘Cause if you are, then sure. I’m evil. Why not? To those who want to believe it I mean. But know I’m just a guy trying to make sure there’s enough room in this world for you guys.”

“You’re a guy? So you’re male?”

“Male?”

“Yeah. You know. Not a girl.”

“Oh yeah. I almost forgot about you people and your gender thing. There’s just so many in this existence. You are one of the few with dongs and trumpet bells.”

“Dongs and trumpet bells?”

“What? Don’t you guys do the innuendo thing?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Also this guy and girl thing. Don’t you people refer to each other as ‘guys’ even when talking to girls?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Isn’t that confusing?”

“No. In fact, you just referred to my kind as ‘guys’ a few times already.”

“Well aren’t you nifty trying to outsmart me?”

“What’s confusing is you talking about other…people that don’t have genders.”

“You wouldn’t get it, dude. Asexual reproduction and all that. Not until you’ve tried it can you understand it.”

“No. I mean, are you talking about aliens?”

“You’re an alien.”

“Wh—what?”

“Yeah. Look at yourself. All fleshy and gross. No wonder you guys self–proclaim yourselves as Miss Universe. Or is it Mrs.? Mrs. are the girls, right?”

“Yeah. I take it you’re not a girl.”

“Do I look like a girl?”

“You look like…I don’t know what you look like.”

“Would you like it better if I change my form?”

“Can you?”

“No.”

“Then why did you ask?”

“Why not?”

“Okay. Now you’re just being a jerk.”

“Yup. Especially ‘cause I can change my form.”

“Yeah, okay, and now you’re being a dick.”

“Ah, why do you care? You’re about to die anyways.”

“About that…”

“Yeah?”

“Can I do one more thing before you take me away or whatever it is that you’re gonna do?”

“No.”

“Come on. I’ll make a deal with you.”

“I’m Death. I don’t make deals.”

“I thought you said you were or were not Death.”

“Well you really are a smarty bastard for taking away my spot light while I’m trying to be ominous. Now I’m really not gonna make a deal with you.”

“So you can?”

“No.”

“But—”

“Look. There are other souls to take besides the ones on Earth. You think you guys die a lot? You should see the other dudes neighboring you Milky Gay. No. Way? Yeah. Milky Way.”

“So aliens do exist! We really aren’t alone!”

“I never really said they didn’t.”

“But Wait. What do aliens dying have to do with me trying to make a deal with you?”

“I never said they did. Are you not getting oxygen to your brain or something? Oh wait…”

“Yeah…So are you please going to let me make a deal with you?”

“I don’t have time for that.”

“But you’ve been here standing…sitting?…something here with me all this time. I mean we’ve been talking for a long time now.”

“Yeah. About that. All this is happening within a fraction of a second within your perception of time. Ya know, ‘cause time with me is nonexistent.”

“You just said you don’t have time to deal with me!”

“Gee, man. Again with the contradictions? Which by the way, don’t really exist.”

“What? Contradictions don’t exist? Isn’t that a contradiction?”

“Sheesh. You and your limited perception of things. Look. You’re gonna die, alright? Let’s go.”

“But I’m…”

“What?”

“You know. I’m scared. Are all your victims scared?”

“Victims? I don’t kill them! I just take them. You people are the only ones who make such a big deal about it! You get it all mixed up with Dying and Leaving.”

“Dying and Leaving? What do you mean by that?”

“Well, first lemme make sure I understand what you understand. You believe that death and the act of dying are the same thing?”

“Okay. I have no idea what you mean by that. They are the same thing. Death is the act of dying.”

“Dude. You guys need to evolve already.”

“I don’t think I want to be an asexual being.”

“Yeah. You say that now.”

“So then how does one die?”

“You guys, here in this planet, kill yourself. I have nothing to do with it. You think your body just rapidly decomposes by itself over time? Come on. You were made to live for hundreds of years. You guys poison yourself with all these weird food chemical things and beat each other up with your wars and then toxify your bodies more with tainted air, water, and land. Am I the one rubbing and shoving all this stuff in your face? No. It’s like having a really cool beanbag chair in your room. You beat up that thing and throw it around the room and let the dog play with it, it’s gonna rip up soon. But if you just let it be in your room, enjoy it for what it is, it’s gonna last longer.”

“Are you…are you saying I’m a beanbag chair?”

“You guys are pretty squishy like one.”

“Wait. So in order to live longer, we have to…not live? Not experience life?”

“Your guys’ definition of experiencing life is pretty weird.”

“Then what is life?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

“Yes!”

“Are you sure you really wanna know?”

“Yes! I am!”

“Well, okay. It’s…nah, man. I don’t really know. I’m just messing with ya.”

“Are you serious! All you’ve been doing is messing with me!”

“Or maybe I’m not. Maybe you need to experience more life to actually know what life is.”

“Experience more life?”

“Or not. I mean, what is life, right?”

“Okay. I’m done with this. I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“For death! Or whatever. Just take me away already, especially if it means getting away from you!”

“Sheesh. You people usually end up leaving like that. All frustrated and grumpy. Can’t even have a nice conversation with you guys. At least those other dudes in the Anders Galaxy go out for a drink with me.”

“A drink? No. No, I won’t fall for it anymore.”

“Fall for what?”

“I can’t believe this is Death...”

“Ha! Well if you hate this now, you’re really gonna hate waiting in line for God to sort you out. He’s pretty good when it comes to talking circles around anyone. That prick.”

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Author's Note: I had so much fun writing this, especially with the fun limitation of a dialogue-only scene. Hope you enjoyed it! :D