Nung umuwi ako nung araw na 'yon, wala si Asrow. He didn't tell me anything about leaving the condo for a while. Umalis ulit ako doon with a heavy heart. Hindi ko nanaman alam kung nasa'n siya. Nagpahatid ako kina Shaira at Castriel sa bahay. My friends are right, I should focus on this before him, who's always gone whenever I need him. 

Dad's funeral was held at the nearest chapel from our house. Ipinaalam namin ito sa mga malalapit naming mga kaibigan at maraming nalungkot sa pagkawala niya, karamihan sa kanila ay 'yong mga nakakasama niya sa pagmamaneho ng tricycle. Kami-kami lang ang nandito, nasa abroad kasi yung mga kapatid ni papa kaya hindi sila nakapunta.

Shaira helped me inform the school about my situation and they said that they'll let me take the make-up exams after a week. That'd really help me because at this moment, at this time, I'm not in the mood to study or do anything. I just want to stay by papa's side.

My hands trembled as my fingertips touched dad's coffin. Inside of it was dad lying peacefully while holding a blue rosary. He looked like he was in a state of tranquility and calmness. I couldn't help but tear up again.

I know that at least now... He won't experience any pain anymore but it really hurts to see him go. Ang bigat-bigat, nawalan ako ng amang walang ibang ginawa kun'di intindihin kami at tustusin yung mga pangangailangan namin araw-araw. Kahit may sakit siya, patuloy pa rin siya sa pagtratrabaho. Kahit na pagod na siya, go pa rin. He's my amazing father... the coolest hero in my eyes.

"Anak, tulungan mo naman ako magtimpla ng juice para sa mga bisita." Tawag sa'kin ni mama.

Agad 'kong pinunasan 'yong mga luha bago ako pumunta sa kanya. Tinulungan ko si mama na magpalaman ng mga tinapay at juice para mapakain sa mga bisita. 

"Ma, ako na mag-aabot nito sa kanila," Sabi ko.

She forced a smile at me. "Sige anak,"

I bitterly smiled back before I grabbed the tray and gave the food to everyone inside. Muntikan ko na nga itong mabitawan dahil nakita ko sina Madam Josephine, chef Luiz... Suzy and Clark inside. They were all wearing black clothes. I didn't want to inform them about my father's death because I didn't want to trouble them but I guess Clark told them.

Ah great.

"We're giving you our condolences, Cally." Sabi ni madam Josephine.

"Nakikiramay kami," Chef Luiz added before giving me a basket full of goodies. "heto oh, para sayo at sa pamilya mo."

"Thanks," 

Tumingin ako sa dalawang magjowa na mukhang nerbyoso kasi kaharap nila ako. Why did they even come here? Pampadagdag sa pagdadalumhati ko?

"C-Cally, pwede ba tayo mag-usap?" Kinakabahan na tanong ni Suzy.

Tinitigan ko siya saglit. "What for?"

"G-Gusto ko sanang makipagbati-"

"No need," I cut her off from speaking. "I don't want to be friends with someone who's willing to end her friendship with a close friend just because of... someone. I have no room for forgiveness anymore, Suzy. Pasensya ka na but I appreciate that fact that you came here for my dad pero kung may ineexpect ka pang iba, sorry."

Her eyes widened in shock and she bit her lower lip before turning to Clark. Ano 'yan, nagsusumbong?

"Don't you think that's too much, Cally?" giit ni Clark sa'kin.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Ako ba talaga ang too much or kayo?"

Umalis na ako roon agad kasi baka kung ano pa ang lumabas sa bibig ko. I heard them calling out my name but I didn't look back. Pinapakalma ko ang sarili ko. Para sa'kin, tama lang 'yong ginawa ko kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako handang makipag-usap. 

Ang tagal-tagal kaya naming hindi nag-usap, kahit nung nasa cafe lang kami. Kung kailan namatay si papa, 'saka lang sila lumapit? Bakit? Kailangan ba munang may mawala sa'kin para makipagbati? Makipag-ayos? Mag-sorry dahil naapektuhan nila ang mental health ko noon? I don't find any reasoning from that.

Just because I'm in mourning, does not make me forgiving. Aside from that, she made me question my view about cheating. They seriously disgust me. Hindi naman sila kawalan kaya, kaya ko 'to.

Mamaya-maya ay dumating sina Shaira at Castriel. Surprisingly, kasama rin nila sina Drew, Aragon, Silas, Milo, and Archi. Mukhang nag-usap-usap sila na sabay-sabay silang pupunta rito.

"Nakikiramay kami, ate Cally!" Masigla pero seryosong bati ni Drew sa'kin.

"Tanga! 'Wag kang masyadong mag-ingay dito!" Sinapak ni Milo si Drew.

"Hoy, ikaw din. Ang ingay mo, mahiya ka." Pagsusuway ni Silas sa kanya.

"Pagpasensyahan mo na yung mga bata, ate Cally. The three of them failed one of their exams so..." Pagrarason naman ni Aragon.

"Hoy Aragon, yung bibig mo!"

Napangiti ako sa kakulitan nila. "Okay lang, pasok na kayo. May pagkain sa loob."

"Cally, tutulong ako sa inyo ni tita. Okay lang naman na dito muna ako matutulog, diba?" Nakangiting sambit ni Shaira.

Tumango ako sa kanya bago sila pumasok sa loob, maliban sa isang tao. Archi stood in front of me while scratching his neck.

"Hey Cally, condolence." Malungkot na bati niya sa'kin.

Nginitian ko lang siya pero hindi ako nag-thank you. "Bakit hindi ka pa pumapasok?"

"Uhm..."

May tinuro siyang lalaki sa may kalsada. I followed the direction he's pointing at and saw him... He waved his hand when he saw me looking at him. I saw his hand and right eye were wrapped in bandages. Malayo ako sa kanya pero kitang-kita ko na marami siyang sugat sa katawan!

Tumakbo agad ako papunta sa kanya dahil sa pag-aalala.

"A-Ano nangyari sayo?!" Gulat na gulat 'kong tanong sa kanya.

He bit his lower lip before answering, "Wala lang 'to. Look, I'm sorry for not replying to you yesterday. Umalis din ako ng hindi nagsabi p-pero..."

I frowned at him. Naalala ko tuloy yung nangyari kahapon. He wasn't there again... to be with me at my downfall.

"Where were you?"

"... at my parents' house."

Hindi ko na siya tinanong ulit. Alam ko na agad ang nangyari. "... P-Pero sana nagsabi ka man lang... Hinahanap kita kahapon eh, n-namatay kasi si papa... N-Nando'n naman sina S-Shaira pero i-ikaw..."

Hinawakan niya agad ang dalawa 'kong kamay. "Y-Yes, I'm sorry... I'm sorry for not being there with you, p-pero nandito na ako. Huwag ka nang mag-alala. Hindi na ako aalis sa tabi mo."

"Nakakainis ka," Inis na sambit ko. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak kasi alam ko na once tumulo na 'to, hindi na 'to titigil.

"I'm sorry..." 

"Those injuries..."

"Wala lang 'to, hindi 'to kasing-pantay sa sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon, Cally." He firmly said.

"Hindi naman kailangan pantay eh," 

"Still, stop talking about me. It's you we need to talk about." He bitterly smiled at me. 

Bumuhos na tuloy yung mga tulang pinipigila ko mula kanina pa. Para akong batang nagwawala sa kanto. May mga taong tumingin sa'min pero wala akong pakielam. Asrow immediately enveloped me in his arms. Narinig ko ring umiiyak siya sa balikat ko kaya niyakap ko rin siya pabalik. 

Naramdaman ko agad ang panghihina ng mga tuhod ko kaya napaluhod ako ng wala sa oras. Sumunod naman siya sa'kin para hindi maputol ang pagyayakapan namin. It felt so nice to be hugged by him. His hug itself just makes me feel calm and serene. It helps me forget about anything.

Pero iba yung yakapan namin ngayon, hindi siya katulad ng dati. May tinatago pa rin akong hinanakit laban sa kanya pero hindi ko naman ito masabi kasi alam 'kong may pinagdadaanan din siya, kailangan ko siyang intindihin, lalo na't pamilya niya ang kalaban niya. 

Kasi ganun naman talaga yung pagmamahal, diba? Kahit anong mangyari, kahit grabe na yung sakit na nararamdaman mo, kahit anong lungkot at pagdadalumhati na 'yong naranasan mo, dapat manatili ka pa rin sa tabi niya. 

Dapat hindi ka magsasawang kakaintindi... sa sitwasyon niyong dalawa. 

***

After the funeral, mom and I decided to bury dad along with grandmother and grandfather's bodies. My friends were present with me during the burial. I was fine but mom wasn't. She's been having anxiety attacks lately and so, she decided to see a psychologist for possible treatments. Malapit niyang kaibigan yung doctor kaya naging madali naman yung proseso. 

Mom suggested that I should continue to stay at Asrow's place because she's aware of his situation. It's hard to leave him alone but it was harder for me to leave my mom alone. Sinabi niya sa'kin na doon muna siya sa kaibigan niya makikitira habang inaayos niya ang kanyang sarili. Nahihirapan daw si mama sa bahay, naaalala niya lang si papa at mas lalo niya siyang namimiss. 

Feeling niya raw mas lumalala anxiety at depression niya doon kaya gusto niya munang lumayo at magpahinga. She added that she didn't want to be a burden to me and my studies. As her daughter, I respected her wishes. Pero nagkaroon kami ng kondisyon, bibisitahin ko siya tuwing weekends para kamustahin at tumambay kasama siya. She agreed with it so we went on with the plan. Araw-araw ko siyang sinesendan ng letters para kahit papaano, makatulong ako sa bigat na nararamdaman niya. 

As for me, I went back to studying. I was glad to have been given a chance to redeem my exams back so I shouldn't waste it on unnecessary things. 

I thought it'd be easy for me but I was wrong.

I was good at focusing at my studies before but now, I feel distracted. Nakakailang basa ako ng isang page sa libro bago ko maintindihan yung sinasabi nung lesson. Dati, isang basa ko lang, gets ko na agad eh. This is not me, this is not the Cally I used to be. 

I must get it together, I can't afford to fail my exams. 

"Babe, busy ka?" Dumungaw sa tabi ko si Asrow. "I brought you hot chocolate and cookies. Tara, kain ka na muna."

"Maya," I said without even giving him a glance. 

"But you haven't eaten anything since lunch time." 

"Kakain ako mamaya,"

"I'm worried about you Cally," He pursed his lips together. "I... don't want anything bad to happen to you. Your mom entrusted you to me and I promised her that I would always make sure that you're doing well."

"I am doing fine," I answered back.

"No, you're not. You skipped your meals,"

"It's okay."

"Please? Kahit isang cookie lang or kahit inumin mo man lang yung ginawa ko. Sayang, mas masarap kasi ito habang mainit pa-"

I quickly faced him  in irritation. "Asrow nagfofocus ako, okay? Sinabi ko na ngang mamaya nalang ako kakain?? Ano bang mahirap intindihin doon? Kailangan ko bang mag-ingles para maintindihan mo yung sinasabi ko??"

He froze at where he was standing. Inirapan ko siya bago ako bumalik sa pag-aaral. Ayoko sa lahat 'yong iniistorbo ako habang pinipilit ko sarili ko na magpokus! I ignored him and just continued on reading about court laws.

"... Sorry," He muttered. "... Sorry sa pang-iistorbo at sorry kung... puro sorry nalang ang palagi 'kong nasasabi sayo."

"Buti alam mo," Bulong ko sa sarili. 

"Aalis na muna ako, may trabaho pa ako eh." He said before gulping loudly. "... I'll leave your food on the table. You can eat it when you're free, okay?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Narinig ko nalang siya naglakad palabas ng pinto at iniwan nga yung pagkain sa lamesa. I sighed in relief before I continued reading my lectures. 

Nakalipas ng tatlong oras ay doon lang ako nakaramdam ng antok at gutom. Maghapon akong nakaupo at nakayuko dahil sa pag-aaral. Naiihi ako kanina pero pinigilan ko para matapos ko siya agad. I wasn't done yet but I guess I can rest for a while. It was hard remembering some terms because I'm still hurt from dad's death, pero pinilit ko sarili ko. 

For now, gusto ko lang pumasa. Hindi ko kailangan ng sobrang mataas na marka, basta pasado, okay na sa'kin.

Tumayo ako at pumunta sa lamesa. Nandoon yung cookies na binake niya at meron ding sinigang na baboy at kanin. Yung hot chocolate na inaalok niya sa'kin kanina ay hindi na mainit, naging maligamgam na. 

I couldn't help but feel guilty about my actions against him earlier. I was stressed out and a lot of unexpected things happened since he left for his OJT. I'll apologize to him immediately once he got home from his work. Inubos ko lahat yung mga hinanda niya sa lamesa at ni-reheat ko yung inumin. 

Naligo ako pagkatapos no'n. I wore my favorite blue pajamas and tied my hair into a high ponytail para presko. Bumalik ulit ako sa study table ko at nagbuklat ulit ng libro para magbasa ulit.

Mamaya-maya ay narinig 'kong bumukas yung pinto. I quickly looked at the front door and saw him, but he looked... wasted. Yung suot niya kanina ay gusot-gusot na at halos nakapikit na yung dalawa niyang mata. Hindi pa ako nakakalapit sa kanya pero amoy ko na agad yung alak! He was out drinking!

"Uminom ka?" Gulat na gulat 'kong tanong sa kanya.

He batted me an eye. "What's wrong with it? At least I'm not bothering you from your studies."

"Bakit ka uminom? Sino kasama mong uminom? Sina Drew ba? Silas? Or si Archi? Bakit hindi ka man lang nagsabi? Galing ka ba talaga sa trabaho kanina?" Sunod-sunod na tanong ko habang pinapanood ko siyang maghubad ng suot-suot niyang polo.

"Nagtrabaho ako, okay? We were dismissed early so I drank," He answered in an irritated tone.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Oh, why are you getting angry? I'm just asking,"

"I'm not, you're just assuming things."

"No, I'm not assuming." Giit ko. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito. His voice sounded hoarse and agitated. "Sa tono mo palang, halatang naiirita ka na sa'kin eh. Masama na bang magtanong? Masama na bang mag-alala?"

"I should be asking you that," I flinched from his voice. "Ano Cally? I want to hear your answer. Masama na ba yung ginawa ko kanina? Masama na bang mag-alala?" He asked back the question I just asked him!

"Are you mocking me?" I asked in a serious tone. "Ikaw naman kasi, nakita mo naman na nag-aaral ako and you know how much I hate it when I'm getting disturbed from my serious studying phase. Hirap na hirap na nga akong mag-catch up sa mga nangyayari 'tas mang-iirita ka pa,"

"Ikaw lang ba yung nahihirapan? I'm also struggling here, but I never let out my anger towards you."

"Oo nga pero-"

"Okay, fine! I'm sorry," He cut me off from speaking. Ginulo-gulo niya yung buhok niya. "I'm sorry, okay?? Happy now?"

I opened my mouth slightly and was about to say something else but he walked out from the room and went inside our room. Hindi itong unang beses na nagkakainitan kami pero ito na siguro yung away na pareho kaming sagad na sagad na. 

Ang tanga-tanga mo Cally. Dapat ikaw yung magsosorry pero sa kakasalita mo, siya tuloy yung nagsorry kahit na wala naman siyang kasalanan kanina. Ugh, you're such an idiot! 

I ruffled my hair in frustration at nagdabog ako sa lamesa. Gulong-gulo na ako sa lahat. Nadamay ko pa siya sa kaguluhan ko. 

Because of my fucking mouth, I made things worst for the two of us.

Sa gitna ng pag-iisip ko, biglang tumunog yung phone ko at nagflash yung name ni mama sa screen. She was calling me through messenger. Bakit kaya?

Sinagot ko naman yung tawag. "Hello ma?"

"A-Anak? Nasa'n ka ngayon?" Tanong niya agad.

"Po? Nasa condo ni Asrow," I told her then sighed. 

"Magkasama ba kayo ngayon?"

"Hindi po. Nasa kwarto si Asrow ma 'tas ako nasa living room lang dahil nag-aaral pa."

"A-Ah sige," There was something wrong in mom's stuttering voice and I have a bad feeling about it. 

"Bakit ma?" I asked.

"Si Asrow ba... anak ni Senator Leonel Ventura?"

"... O-Opo," Nanginginig na sagot ko. "Bakit ma?"

"Matagal mo nang tinatanong sa'kin kung bakit marami pa rin kaming utang sa iba, diba?" Pagpapaalala ni mama. "Hindi naman tayo ganito kahirap dati. Nag-invest ang papa mo sa isang kilalang kumpanya na nag-bankrupt bigla dahil ninakaw yung pera. Scam pala 'yon, third party scamming. Yung ininvest doon ay galing sa pamana ng lolo't lola mo, pati utang namin sa mga kaibigan namin. Para bumangon ulit, nanghiram ulit kami, pati kay Donna, para kahit papaano magkaroon kami ng negosyo tulad ng pamamaneho at carinderia."

"A-Ano ang koneksyon ng tatay ni Asrow doon ma?"

My phone fell on the floor when I heard her answer.

"Asrow's dad, Senator Ventura, is the one who corrupted the company. He took all of  the company's money for his own gain."

***