Third person pov

Obito's debut was something to be celebrated. Men and women alike congregated to toss cash his way, and whoop and cheer as he swung around the bar with graceful expertise. All these years, he'd felt dead. Driven by a dying and pointless dream, and killing with reckless abandon, not truly knowing why. Now he could see that all his wrongdoings had simply been leading him up to this single, fateful point.

"Work that ass!" One of the lesbians screamed as she questioned her sexuality. Obito had nice thighs. You couldn't blame her.

"Swing it, sister!" One of the gays whistled, clapping his hands and flipping his hair over his shoulder. He gave another cheer. "Fly like a fucking eagle, bitch!"

Obito twisted and turned in ways no man should be able to, spinning around the iron pipe like he'd been doing it his whole life. The man with the blonde wig, who Obito still didn't know the name of, stood at the back of the crowd with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked undeniably smug and prideful as his creation decimated the competition. It seemed that Obito had finally realized that there was more than one way to take over the world.

Clad in a tube top and booty shorts that made his dick feel like it had been put in a vice, Obito found himself feeling free as ever. Who needed Madara and his shitty plan when he could pole dance and become rich at the same time. Sure, Rin's death had sucked, but she was probably in heaven somewhere anyway. He was willing to bet she didn't give two shits about what he was doing.

Obito stopped for a moment, and the cheering halted momentarily. His eyes scanned the crowd briefly before he was ripping his top off and tossing it into the crowd, who came to life all over again as he flexed all up on their pathetic noodle arms. He caught one of the bouncers eyeing him up and down and winked experimentally, earning a red face for his troubles. He smiled. What a time to be alive.

~

"So-"

"I'm not done yet."

God sighed heavily, his eye twitching as he gazed down at Kakashi Hatake. He was an honorable and good man, yes. He just... had an addiction to a certain porn series. One Jiraiya would certainly be going to hell for if not for its superb plotline. Truly, God couldn't fault him for creating such a story, no matter how raunchy it got at times. The drama in it was realistic almost to a fault, and it sucked you in. God could not damn Jiraiya for writing a book even he had enjoyed.

"Kakashi, do you not wish to go back further? To fix the mess your comrades created?" God asked carefully. Kakashi glanced up from his book.

"Yeah, of course I do." He said flippantly. "But this book won't exist for a while when I go back."

Oh. That made sense, God supposed. He shifted slightly. He supposed there was no harm in allowing Kakashi to finish this book. After all, he'd be without it for some time. God would just send the series with him if it wouldn't cause such a paradox. Time was such a fickle thing. He was pretty sure Naruto alone had ripped it around eleven times, and that was before the whole time-travel shenanigans.

"...So, how do you plan to save the future?" God asked when the silence got a little old. Kakashi flipped a page.

"Stopping Obito from getting crushed in a cave might be a good first step." Kakashi shrugged, eyes scanning the page. "And not ripping Rin's heart out of her chest would be beneficial."

"Do you have a backup plan?" God asked curiously. Against popular belief, no, he had no idea what his creations were thinking. He was God—not a mind reader. All he could do was gape and do damage control.

"Well, Obito went insane because the person he loved was killed." Kakashi looked up, a closed eye smile on his face. "So I'll just have him fall in love with me instead."

God blinked. That was certainly... A plan. That's not to say he didn't ship it. "And if you die?" He asked.

The aura around Kakashi seemed to get darker, and he tilted his head a little. "I've almost died more times than I can count. Even now, I'm still alive. Do you really think I'm going to die at this rate?" He asked in a pleasant tone.

"Point taken." God sighed. Kakashi simply hummed and went back to reading. The past could wait. He had to see what Miko's husband would do next.

~

First of all, what the fuck? And second of all...

What the fuck?

Nothing could have prepared him for this moment. He never expected such a bold move on Shisui's part. Was this legal? He really didn't think so. While he was pretty sure Shisui was eighteen, this was rape, right? Hidan really didn't want to be sexually assaulted. He got that that was some people's cup of tea, but it wasn't his.

"Kid, what the fuck?" Hidan grit out, eyes narrowed. One of his hands was pushing against the teen's chest, and the other was wrapped tightly around his wrist. Really, all he'd wanted to do was sit down for a minute and take a quick break. You know, drink some water. Eat some trail mix. Normal break-like stuff.

"What is it?" Shisui asked innocently, despite the fact that he had just climbed into Hidan's lap and was now grinding against him. The ex-Jashinist grit his teeth. That damn Nara brat would kill him if he dared harm a pretty little hair on this Uchiha brat's head, which was the issue. Was Shisui petty enough to go crying to mommy and daddy with a lie if he didn't get what he wanted?

"You know what the fuck I'm talking about." Hidan said, feeling rather flustered. What was he supposed to do in this situation? Sure, Shisui had a nice face and all. Hidan honestly wouldn't mind tapping that, even if Shisui was clearly batshit crazy. But he was also pretty sure Sasuke would absolutely murder him if he found out Hidan had violated his cousin.

"Come on." Shisui whined, leaning forward and pressing himself down more onto Hidan. The Jashinist glared as Shisui gazed at him with big eyes. Curly haired nuisance. "You don't want to?"

"Fuck off." Hidan bit out, weighing his options. Did he want to face an angry Sasuke or angry Shikamaru? Hidan could punch Shisui and Sasuke wouldn't give a flying fuck, but sex was another matter all together. That brst was terrifying, but since was the deer one.

"Please?" Shisui used his other hand to cup Hidan's cheek. The man hissed.

"Go suck a dick." Hidan snapped. A shit-eating grin immediately began to stretch across Shisui's face, and it was only when Shisui began to shimmy backwards that Hidan realized that was the wrong thing to say. "Shit, wait, you brat. Don't-"

Hidan froze, spine straightening and eyes going wide. Shisui gazed up at him smugly. The Uchiha moved a little, causing a shiver to go up the ex-Jashinist's spine.

"...Fuck."

~

How? How was he not drunk?

Itachi didn't understand. He couldn't. It wasn't processing in his mind. Sasuke had taken just as many shots as he had, and the boy was perfectly fine. There wasn't even a flush in his cheeks. He was just sitting there innocently like he hadn't just downed twenty-plus shots of straight vodka. It wasn't the weak stuff, either. The residents here at the nursing home didn't fuck around with their alcohol.

"How... How'd you do it?" Itachi slurred. Orochimaru was passed out on the floor, face down. They couldn't only hope he didn't vomit and smother himself to death in it.

"Superior genes, big brother." Sasuke sipped his wine. "Superior genes."

Itachi could only nod numbly and gape. There were honestly no words. His little brother was a vodka king. A drinking champion. He'd bested not only Itachi, but some of the best long-time drinkers the home had to offer. People who'd been roughing it with their alcohol for years had lost to the small, four year old boy. The four year old boy who only had one arm, no less! Didn't that mean he should get drunk faster or something?

"What's your secret?" Itachi leaned forward, closer to his younger brother.

"Being better than everyone and everything." Sasuke said nonchalantly.

"Narcissism?" Itachi whispered.

"Sort of." Sasuke shrugged. "Being an asshole overall works best."

Itachi nodded again, his ears buzzing. How did one be an asshole? Wear sunglasses indoors, maybe? He was pretty sure that just made you look like a douche.

"Hey, don't think about it too much." Sasuke soothed. "Whiskey?"

Itachi didn't even look at the glass. He just chugged it.

~

Rasa had found the man responsible for the explosions, and he was determined to kill him with kindness.

"I brought you a casserole!" Rasa proclaimed, pulling it out of nowhere and presenting it to the culprit. Rasa had kicked the guy in the knee with one of his deadly wheeled shoes before restraining him with his golden dust. If was an effective method.

The man responsible narrowed his eyes. "Is that a threat?"

"No, it's a casserole."