truth be told

i'm not sure if we make a good team

i wish i had some kind of disease that excuses me hating you

when you suck air through your teeth

or say that thing you always say with every sentence

or rub your temples when you eat pepper 

or when your head hurts but you refuse medication

i swear 

those things were cute before

when it was 20 dgerees

in vermont on the beach and you wore shorts

as we ran through the dark air

and your teeth chattered but you still brought the last of your warmth to me

and let me sneak my hands in your shorts pockets

you don't scream out the lyrics of pocketful of sunshine when i put it on 

and i can't help comparing you to old lovers

 and start to think unfair things 

and start to say them under my breath 

or keep resentments to myself

like when you like cats more than dogs 

when you say "i love you"

when the volume can only be up to 45

when i can't drive your car 

when you don't have faith in me and you never did

i'm holding out though

for what i don't know 

proximity breeds anger

i need to wait until it's not the two of us in every room 

you don't react the way i want you to react to things 

which excited me

i thought it meant i was experiencing real love

and not just the scripted kind 

the fact that i couldn't predict how you would react

when i'd say things

like when i turned to you in my room 

new girl playing on my laptop, dark shadows starting to pile in through small attic windows

thanking god this is an activity where i don't have to look at you 

looping yarn through my needles, hoping you don't notice my hands shaking 

"i think i'm gonna need some time alone when we get back" i say, smiling a little

you laugh, hollow. "yeah," you shuffle a little in my bed. "ok." 

i hope your mind doesn't wander what i mean by that

i laughed at the jokes i was expected to laugh at and we finished the episode

you got up and mumbled that you had to pee

i hate myself for feeling relief when you left the room 

this isn't your fault

its not your fault you live so far and i'm so close 

but i resent you (i hate that i do)

i resent you for invading my space and sleeping in my bed and wrapping your hands around my waist and making me feel safe in the dark 

i hate you for eating my chocolate and getting milk on your top lip and leaning in to kiss me

why do you have to feel safe around me? feel safe enough to say stupid things and speak gibberish in the morning and make me belly laugh 

but we're so different in all the wrong places

all the uncomfortable ones

all the places that hit home

the ones i can't compromise in

and you don't have faith in me and you never did