guilt

soul-crushing

left my dirty bowls on top of the microwave

you didn't say anything but your mouth parted slightly

then left the room

i won't tell them

that every difficult conversation

anxiety rising as i approach a room

blue college sweatshirt

theo and his green hair

is you

your medicine in my bag

because of course you put it there

because of course i told you what's mine is yours

because i didn't think you'd take it so literally

because i didn't think i'd have to do this

letter

of what you said

blue ink etched onto clean notebook paper

notebook for college writing

when you'd lean in during quiet silence and i'd wish you'd stop talking

but i never said anything

because of course you can talk

because you were brought up in a setting where your words meant nothing

because of course i didn't want to be that friend

because everyone deserves to be heard if they have something to say

even if that something is ridiculing me

even if that something is taking my word as gospel

even if that something is crying to me about your dad

even if that something is lying.

even if that something is

guilt

soul crushing

left my key at rolo's desk

saw the empty side of my room, cloudy eyes and head

i didn't say anything but my mouth parted slightly

then left the room

why are you in everything i do

why can't i hold this friend?

why does she have to smell like you?

why does my mind and heart both treat you like a lost love?

would it be better if you were?

she talks to me like you

is that why i stay?

so i don't leave someone else behind when im not sure where i stand?

so i don't feel twice the bitter guilt when allison walks into the room

and i wonder if she knows

so i don't have to hold myself so small again

if friends of hers death stare me in the hallways

i can't lose another friend

i want her to be better, i do,

i do

because if i leave another person in need,

it means the first instance wasn't a one time thing

that ive created a pattern

of leaving people i care about

and i just can't have that happen

this was supposed to be a one time thing

this was supposed to be a one time thing

this was supposed

to be fun.