namjoon was lying in his bed, scrolling through his camera roll.

he continued, until he went so far back through his gallery, that he came across the pictures taken when he and jimin were still simply 'best friends'.

back when they were so oblivious to the intense feelings that they both shared for one another.

namjoon just sat there, staring at one picture in particular. it used to be his favorite one back in the day. he used to spend his nights blushing and smiling at the photo back when he simply had a universe-sized crush on jimin.

back when the idea of them being together was nothing more than a fantasy to him.

he just stared at it, getting lost in thought again.

and it wasn't until that moment that namjoon realized he had more pictures of jimin on his phone than he had of anything or anyone else.

and he knew his whole gallery of favorited photos were probably ninety-nine percent jimin focused as well.

namjoon went to the next image with a scroll and he couldn't hold back the immediate smile.

it was from the night of their first ever sleepover. jimin was dressed in his adorable grey onesie and he was smiling big— with crescent eyes and pink cheeks.

and namjoon was baffled by the fact that he had never noticed jimin was blushing before.

it wasn't until he went to flip to the next photo, that he realized there were tears in his eyes.

and yeah, maybe he was torturing himself a little,

but what else could he do?

he couldn't go apologize to jimin, because truthfully, he didn't know what to say.

he would tell jimin what he wanted to hear if that's what it would take to get him back, but honestly, he was scared. he didn't know if that was enough anymore, him staying behind.

he had never seen jimin that angry at him, and he feared there was nothing he could do to fix it. he didn't know what to do to fix it.

and he couldn't bear the thought of going to him, begging for another chance, and being denied.

he wouldn't be able to live with that.

so, instead, he chose to follow sung-ha's advice...

and do nothing at all.

and namjoon couldn't decide if this choice was any better. he didn't know which one would feel worse.

he hated to think that in five days he could be on the other side of the country— so far from jimin— and he wasn't spending the time he had left with him, the person he loved most.

he couldn't think of a worse way to waste his time, than spending his final moments without jimin.

it was so idiotic that he was almost angry at himself.

and he sat in that feeling for a moment, until he heard a knock at his door.

he sighed, wishing sung-ha would stop checking on him already and just leave him to die.

"yeah?" namjoon replied, weakly.

joon's phone was discarded now and he was simply lying on his side, covered in blankets, wishing he could disappear.

he heard the door open, but his grandfather didn't speak.

several seconds passed, and then joon finally sat up to see what was going on.

and to his surprise, it wasn't sung-ha at all.

it was jimin.

and namjoon almost couldn't believe it.

he looked nervous, more nervous than joon had ever seen before— at least toward him. his cheeks were pink and he was struggling to make eye contact. his hair was brushed nicely, every piece placed perfectly to frame his head, like he had spent time making it look nice and getting himself ready.

but his outfit is really what broke namjoon's heart. he was wearing black skinny jeans and chelsea boots, with a pretty silver necklace sparkling around his collarbones. but most importantly, he was wearing his pink knit sweater again, the one namjoon had (unadmittedly) spent a night crying over, wondering if jimin had gotten rid of it.

and it made him so happy that he hadn't.

he still cared.

"jimin," he said, clearly happy that jimin was standing in his room again after weeks without him, "i-"

jimin cut him off.

"i'm insecure, okay?"

there was silence for a second and namjoon looked so confused.

"i'll admit it," jimin started, already looking like he wanted to cry, "you... you're going out and you're doing all this amazing stuff... going to the best school. you're doing things some people could only dream about... and you're so sure of everything. you know exactly what you wanna do. you're so talented and i know you'll succeed," jimin paused, nervously, "and here i am, stuck at this stupid school, in this stupid town.., with no direction.., having no clue what i'm gonna do with my life."

namjoon just sat there, watching jimin formulate his next sentence, clearly actually starting to cry now.

"you know... my life's been complicated... sometimes. i grew up without consistency... a lot of the time. i relied on my dad a lot," jimin said, thinking to himself, tears rolling down his cheeks,

"and then i lost him."

namjoon nodded, sympathetically.

"i think that... that hurt me a lot, you know? i think i felt abandoned after that for a long time... without fully realizing it."

he paused, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

"i think... maybe i put a lot of that on you.., weirdly. i used you to heal from what my dad did. i put my trust in you... i started relying on you instead," he said, spewing everything out that came into his head, "so i think... it just... it brought me back to that place... when i felt like you were leaving me behind. i felt... abandoned again... not that it was right, but-"

namjoon stopped him.

"jimin, you don't have to-"

"i do," he said, nodding, "and i don't want you to think i'm making excuses.., but i just... i want you to know that i didn't mean it. any of it," he started, nodding to himself,

"i-i don't know... i-i guess it felt like the only thing i was really sure about in my life was... was you," jimin let out, tears streaming down his face, "i felt like i finally had something permanent, you know? i had something in my life that gave me a purpose... that made me happy... and that wouldn't ever... leave."

jimin stopped for a moment, trying to wipe the tears running down his face.

"and i guess... i guess it started to feel like i was losing that, too."

namjoon teared up as well, shaking his head at him and getting off his bed to hold jimin in his arms.

and jimin took the affection immediately, clearly having missed it so much.

"a-and i got scared, joonie. i got so scared," jimin wept, into his shoulder now, "and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i fucked up so bad. i was so wrong to talk to you like that... to say what i said; to make you... feel like that.., so... guilty... for doing something for yourself," he continued, frantically, "it was so messed up and i'm so sorry. i know you weren't just gonna up and leave me... i should have never raised my voice at you... or gotten so angry."

namjoon just continued to hold him as jimin got out everything he had to say.

"i'm just so desperate.., and pathetic. it's humiliating, r-really," he said, nodding into his shoulder, before pulling back to look at him, "and you deserve someone better than me. you deserve someone who's... kind and supportive and... and who won't yell at you and make you feel like shit for following you dreams," he cried,

"you deserve so much better than me."

namjoon immediately shook his head, bringing his hand's up to hold the sides of jimin's face and looking at him right in the eyes.

"jimin," he started, using his thumbs to wipe the tears still running down his face,

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

and jimin just looked at him, with so much love in his eyes, so much sorrow for what he did.

"i won't go," namjoon said, hating how sad jimin was, hating the fact that he was the one causing it, "i'll stay here, okay?"

jimin just cried more at that, not replying.

"i won't go," he said again, trying to reassure him, "i didn't want this for us. i-i never wanted any of this to happen.., i didn't want to hurt you like this. it's not worth it to me."

and jimin wished so badly he could just accept the offer, he wished it was that simple.

he just looked at namjoon for a moment, before grabbing his hands that were placed on the sides of his own face, and bringing them down to hold in his.

and he knew what he needed to do.

"go."

namjoon's lips parted.

"what?"

"go," jimin said, "please. it's what i want. really. and i'm not lying this time," he said, tears still streaming down his face, "i-i promise you.., it's not a trick."

namjoon still looked confused, tears in his eyes now, too.

"you need to go and i need to stay here," jimin said, nodding, almost like he was trying to reassure himself, "it's for the best.., you were right. and i'm sorry it took me till now to realize it."

namjoon shook his head.

"jimin, i was wrong. that's not what i want," namjoon said, crying now, too,

"i want you."

jimin nodded, trying his best to ignore the ache in his chest from namjoon's words.

"the distance... it's just... it's too hard for me... you know?" jimin said, almost whispering, "i just... i don't think i can handle that. i... i just... i have like... attachment problems, i think... with you."

and it was a joke, clearly.

but namjoon couldn't laugh.

not right now.., not when considering what the implication of jimin's words meant.

and namjoon just grasped onto jimin tightly, clearly so scared that he'd leave.

"jimin, i don't want to lose you."

and the words were so desperate and vulnerable, that namjoon prayed jimin knew how truthful they were.

jimin just smiled through the tears

"you could never lose me, namjoon," he said.

and it was clear he meant it.

they just looked at each other for a minute and jimin tried to act like he was fine.

"be safe out there, okay?" he smiled, with a crack in his teary voice, "h-have fun.., make friends," he paused, "get to know... o-other people."

and namjoon let more tears fall at that, like his heart was shattering into a million pieces.

"when you come home.., i'll be here, okay?"

and joon just nodded, tears streaming down his face.

there was a pause.

and joon didn't know what to say.

"is that... is that.. what you want?"

jimin hesitated, before nodding lightly.

"that's what i want."

but it wasn't.

that's the last thing he wanted.

but it's what he knew he needed to do.

and joon just blinked slowly, nodding, letting himself just cry.

after taking a moment to think, he opened his eyes and looked at the boy in front of him.

"i love you," he said, weakly, needing to say it to jimin, feeling scared he wouldn't get another chance.

jimin nodded.

he already knew.

"i could never love anybody else like i love you," he said in reply, with a smile.

namjoon kept crying and jimin forced out a fake laugh through the tears.

"it's not goodbye," he said, "you know that."

joon nodded.

"i know."

namjoon said it, but he was still afraid, finally feeling the fear of how long three years really was.

jimin thought for a moment.

"i'll... i'll check in on sung-ha for you... if you don't mind."

namjoon smiled.

"please," he said, like jimin even asking was crazy,

"of course."

and his voice cracked again.

there was a pause, before joon spoke up again.

"so... i'm really leaving," namjoon said, "and we... i mean... i won't see you for... a long time... probably."

he said it like he was trying to process everything that was going on, more tears coming to his eyes when he said it out loud.

jimin forced another smile and leaned up to wipe namjoon's tears, before kissing his cheek.

he wanted to be strong for him, everything he wasn't before.

"you writers are so dramatic," he said, teasing through the pain, "we'll be okay. it's just a couple of years."

namjoon tried to smile back, nodding, even though he knew a couple years was a long time. hell, he hadn't even known jimin a full year yet and it felt like a lifetime with him. namjoon knew there was a chance things wouldn't work out like he wanted them to. he knew better than to count on it, but the thought of not being back with jimin was a thought namjoon wasn't ready for. he couldn't think about it.

"you sure about this?" he asked, being hit with the gravity of the situation.

jimin smiled and nodded at him again.

"i need to set you free, my caged bird," he said, with a little teary laugh.

namjoon let a few more tears slip out as he realized what jimin was referencing. he thought back to the poem he had written his first week of college.

jimin had snatched his journal out of his bag and read the poem aloud.

and for whatever reason, in that moment, namjoon had decided that he could trust the boy. not because he had forcefully read his poem- no, but because he didn't make fun of it. he didn't think it was embarrassing or weird. he lifted namjoon up, not down, and at the time, namjoon was used to the complete opposite from the people around him.

that's when namjoon knew they would connect. he knew that he was going to fight to be jimin's friend just as hard as jimin was fighting for him.

but at the time, he just didn't realize how far the friendship would go.

he had always found jimin cute... attractive. ever since the day he met the boy, he liked him.

but now, he was completely and utterly in love with jimin.

and as hard as it was, he knew jimin was doing the right thing.

their fates were right in front of them the whole time and they just didn't see it.

that damn poem.

no matter how badly namjoon wished he could go back and never write that stupid poem, he couldn't.

they had to go their separate ways.

they needed to spend time apart to appreciate their time together.

they needed to get their educations and grow.

namjoon needed to take this opportunity for himself and jimin needed to find what he loved doing, just like joon had told him to do.

it's what was best, even if it didn't feel like it.

even if a potential three long years would pass before the two would be together again.

jimin just wrapped his arms around namjoon, breaking him from his thoughts.

joon immediately hugged the boy back tightly, wanting him as close as he could possibly get him.

they stayed like that for a long while, before jimin spoke up in a whisper.

"we've still got one thing left on our list."

and namjoon was so in his head that he couldn't even process what jimin was talking about.

"what?"

jimin brought his head out of his neck and smiled a little at him, wiping his tears for what felt like the millionth time.

"remember?" he asked, "our 'minjoon summer fun list'?"

and namjoon just cried more at that.

"stargazing," jimin said, "that's the last thing."

namjoon nodded.

he knew.

there was a pause and namjoon was the one to wipe his tears this time.

"let's go, then."

_______________________________

SORRY <<<3

🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️