My desperate attempts to control my expressions seem to go in vain with Vansh sitting right beside me as I drive. It's been close to fifteen minutes since we left the airport, and no one has uttered a word. After the debacle on the morning of Jagat and Tara's wedding, we did not speak for the rest of the wedding festivities. It appeared as if he was trying to avoid me. Having a conversation was out of question anyways, but he refused to make eye contact either. We did look in each other's direction quite a few times, but he kept looking away as soon as our eyes met. My intentions of approaching him for small talk too, dissipated. I sensed the air and knew it would not work.

The events of that day were by mere chance. Although a part of me was happy about him seeing me that way, it was only later that I realized what was amusement for me would have caused him extreme discomfort. He was not used to seeing men's bodies the way I was. For him, all of them must entail an emotional connection, which for me has become an activity to quench my physical thirst. It strikes me that as individuals, we are polar opposites. My fantasies would remain fantasies.

"You could have sent someone to pick up me at the airport.", Vansh says, breaking my stream of thoughts.

"I had nothing better to do."

"I thought you were overseeing the heritage hotel project."

I nod. "I am. But I did whatever was supposed to be done in the morning. I didn't have anything scheduled post noon."

He sighs. In order to avoid further conversation, he turns and looks outside the window. A while later, he turns and looks at me. "How far are we from your ancestral home? Or even the site?"

"The heritage hotel will be constructed on the outskirts of the city. We should reach it in about five minutes now. My ancestral home is ten minutes away from the hotel."

"In the middle of the desert?"

"Nope. But it oversees it."

"Must bring in a lot of sand into the house then."

"It is unavoidable. The best of things end up having drawbacks too." I pause and look at him. "It is a house I cherish."

He simply nods. I look at him, expecting him to say something more. He does not. He lowers the window to feel the evening air on his face. Being winter, the evening air brings with it chills. I turn off the AC and lower my window too. For the remainder of the time, we just let the breeze cool us, and allow the sand to enter the car.

Soon enough, we arrive at my ancestral home. It is a haveli made of yellow sandstone and marble. The combination sounds weird enough, but my grandmother oversaw the construction personally. Thus, these two materials created an alluring piece of architecture. While the outside looks like a proper haveli, the insides are posh and modern. She ensured that the architecture remained heritage, but the interiors were a mix of the old and the new. She travelled across India for the showpieces that adorn the corridors and rooms of the haveli. The furniture is Western in structure, but Indian in print. Only my grandmother could have juxtaposed all of these elements together to create this home which she later passed on to me. My father's siblings quarrelled over the property being transferred exclusively in my name after my grandmother's death, but her will being notified, there wasn't much they could do. An Indian family drama ensued for close to a year, but by then, I had turned a legal adult. The court made the decision in my favour. Ever since then, my time in India has been divided between my house in Ahmedabad and this home in Jaisalmer. This has been a quaint place for me, offering me privacy and solace, both of which are unavailable elsewhere.

I bring the car to the shed and both of us step out of the car. Mayank Mehta, my secretary emerges from the side door of house which directly leads to the parking shed. He is dressed in a polo t-shirt and white pants. When we are here, he too, wears casual clothes, unless we are to see another businessman or a politician, which demands formal wear from both of us. He grins looking at me and gives a curt bow to Vansh. Neither parties look too pleased to see one another.

Mayank walks towards the car. "I'll have someone bring in your luggage.", he tells Vansh. He extends his arm so that Vansh may enter the house. Vansh heads into the direction of the house. Mayank waits till he is out of earshot before scurrying towards me and whispering. "Shashi stopped by insisting to see you."

I feel a cold shiver run down my spine. Shashi Rathore is my ex-boyfriend, the one I was made to break up with before Jagat's wedding in order to avoid scandal. I haven't spoken to him for close to five months, and him emerging all of a sudden is not the best news. "What did he say?", I prod.

"Nothing much. Just said that he needs to have a word with you. He'll come and see you tonight."

"Didn't you tell him I have a guest?"

"It doesn't matter to him. You two were forced to break up anyways. Since Jagat sir is married, you can get back together. If you choose to do that, I'd suggest get back together after a few more months. The press and media is still raving about the wedding. They'll have an eye on the future business deals too. It wouldn't be surprising if you and Mr Shah working together becomes a piece of news tomorrow morning. Amidst all of this, the media cannot find out about this. They'll create scandal out of it."

I chuckle. "My life is already scandalous enough, isn't it? If I make it to the news, I'll remain there for close to three quarters."

"And the company shares would plummet. Exercise restraint.", Mayank now says in an instructive tone.

"Am I supposed to find my own way here?", Vansh asks me.

Engrossed in the conversation, I failed to realize that we were now in the house, standing in the central courtyard. This is the bigger courtyard, directly behind the main living room. To the left of it lies a huge dining area. On that side, outside the main structure of the haveli, are the staff quarters. To the right of the living room, from where we entered the house, lies a room for indoor games. The side opposite the living room is a huge corridor, with stairs on both sides. There lies a smaller courtyard beyond this corridor with some more rooms. My room lies at the other end of that courtyard, and hence, farthest from the main entrance.

In this second half of the haveli with the smaller courtyard, is an elevator to the right. It is not visible in the main structure, and remains unknown to most people. Next to the elevator shaft lies a library. There is a room adjacent to mine, which no one occupies.

The haveli is two-storeyed. There is a huge terrace for hosting parties on the first floor. That terrace is a mix of Rajasthani and French designs. There is a huge hall cum living area used to host parties. The first floor has three guest rooms, one of which Mayank is currently occupying. The second floor has two master bedrooms- one for my parents and one for Jagat. My family perhaps prefer the rooms upstairs to stay away from my 'dirty' deeds downstairs. The remaining rooms are used as guest rooms.

As I show him around, Vansh gapes at the size of the haveli, its architecture, and artefacts. "I never thought you would be inhabiting this. When was this made?"

His piqued interest makes me happy. "It's been thirty years. My grandmother oversaw the construction of this thing personally. It took about over two years to be made. She was very specific about wanting to use yellow sandstone and marble. People usually keep marble for the interiors- walls, floors, pillars, and such. But she wanted marble on the outside too. So the steps and pillars outside are made of marble."

"This could become a heritage hotel in itself."

His words hit me like a spear. I stop in my tracks and stare at his back as he walks through the hall on the first floor. After a few moments, he notices my absence. He turns to look at me. By now, I am infuriated at his indifference. I am already having a hard time holding back my tears, and I do not have it in me to confront him. "You should try and be more considerate about people.", I say with a lump in my throat.

I turn to leave and take a few steps towards when he rushes to me. "What did I even say for you to behave in this manner?", he asks.

I don't bother answering. I walk past him and quickly climb down the stairs. As I make my way towards my room, Mayank emerges from the library. He is stupefied to see me that way. "Give him whichever room he wants.", I tell him before heading straight to my room, and banging it shut behind me.

How could he say that? He does not know what this house means to me. If he thinks I like spending time here, he is correct. However, it is not the only reason I am here. It is a place that keeps me away from my family and their judging eyes. It is here that I am allowed to do whatever I want, and that includes sleeping with men. For most part of our relationship, Shashi stayed here itself. He was the one who occupied the room next to me. Few people know that he seldom slept in that room. The connecting room between the two rooms acted as the safe route for him to come to mine. We spent the best time of our lives together and I had finally begun to hope for some stability in our relationship when everything was uprooted and discarded as if it was garbage. Perhaps that's how they saw our relationship- garbage. Funnily, these people were my own family.

Shashi. He is going to stop by tonight. I want to avoid all conversation with him, but the way our relationship came to an end was disturbing for both of us. If nothing else, we should provide solace to each other and end things well. Unless, of course, he wants to get back together. I might agree too, but in light of all that happened, it better not be done. It has created not merely a crack, but an entire valley in our relationship. Bridging this distance would need a complete erasure of our past which is technically impossible. I laugh at my pathetic condition- I am losing both ways. I turn up the volume of the music so that it replaces my thoughts.

I first met Shashi two years ago, when I was attending a cousin's New Year's Party in Jaipur. He had hosted it in his lawn as his family was away. It was flooded with youngsters which included some more cousins, their partners, and friends. Shashi was my cousin's neighbour. That was a wild night, and I did witness some promiscuousness. I felt out of place there too, like I did for most other events I attended. I had removed myself to a corner and was leaning against a tree when he approached me. He leaned against the tree as well and stood quietly for quite some time.

"Feeling out of place?", he asked me.

I nodded. I had conversed with enough people that night.

"Me too.", he added. Upon getting no response from me, he spoke up again. "I think I know the reason you feel that way. Need my help?"

I chuckled to myself. "I don't think it is something you can help me with."

He came dangerously close to my face and whispered in my ear. "I think I can." It send a shiver down my spine. I felt a knot in my stomach. I turned my head a bit, enough to see him clearly. Our faces were close. He had a round, but angular face with prominent cheekbones. His skin appeared smooth due to his fresh shave. His eyes were a peculiar light brown, evident due to the light from the lawn lamp shining into them. As I was observing his face, I found his hand sneaking up to my butt. He caressed my butt slowly. I found myself rocking to his hand movements.

"Caught you.", he smirked naughtily. Before I could respond, his hand travelled from my butt to my perineum and was now reaching my scrotum.

My erection was becoming evident to me. My cock kept getting harder and it was barely holding itself inside my jeans. I put my hand down to cover it. As I looked up at him, I saw him looking down at what I was trying to hide.

"I live next door.", he whispered into my ear. This time, his voice expressed his need and his greed. He wanted it more than me.

It could have been the alcohol. It could have been the air. It could have been my hormones. It could have been my senses registering nothing but acts of affection throughout the night. Most probably, it was my erection. I felt the need too. I agreed and we snuck out of the party. We dashed to his room, devouring each other with kisses. His tongue was comfortably finding its way in my mouth. I felt breathless and excited at the same time. When naked, he grabbed my butt again, in the most peculiar way. He knew what he was doing. His hands found their way around my body. The winter of Jaipur was no match for the heat our bodies were creating. Within ten minutes, we were sweating, moaning, and grunting. After three full orgasms, we were lying next to each other on the floor. I remember vividly- we had started on the bed, but ended on the floor.

I come out past dinnertime. I see Vansh emerge from the room adjacent to mine, one that Shashi used to occupy earlier. He looks determined to speak to me.

"What was that?", he asks.

I avoid him and walk towards the living room. He catches up and grabs me by the elbow. I stop. Embarrassed, I am avoiding eye contact. He uses his other hand to lift my chin. I look into his eyes.

"What's the matter?", he asks again.

"Nothing. I don't know. I just said it."

"That sounds so lame."

"Like my existence?"

He lets go of me. "Says who?

"Everyone."

He scoffs. "Tell me so that I don't say it again. Was it because I talked about making this into a heritage hotel?" I look away, making it clear to him. "It was." He sighs. "Can't you take a general comment that implies nothing? Who gets all serious and sulky about it?"

"That's because you do not know what this place means to me."

"You never told me."

"What?"

"What this place is to you."

I open my mouth to say something, but shut it almost immediately. He keeps looking at me, waiting. That patience means a lot to someone who seldom feels heard. I still cannot bring myself to speak. If I tell him the truth, he would be disgusted. He would leave tomorrow itself. It would come crumbling down.

"Dhruv." It is a familiar voice, but does not belong to Vansh. I look to my left. It is Shashi.

Mayank is standing behind him helplessly. He mouths a sorry. I shut my eyes in both exasperation and fatigue, and shake my head. I look at Shashi again.

I had remembered, and yet forgotten about Shashi. As Shashi heads towards me, my body grows rigid. My peripheral vision allows me to see the cluelessness on Vansh's face. I can no longer feel the breeze I felt a while back. The air is still. Only the night insects are making noise. There's no one except Mayank, Vansh, Shashi, and me. Even if there is, my brain is too numb to register it.

I expect Shashi to say something. He is just standing in front of me, staring at my face. His eyes still look at me in the same way. This is not a good sign. He brings his hand to my cheek and caresses it. I register Vansh take a step back in confusion. Shashi smiles. Sadly. He slowly brings his face closer to mine and gives me a peck on my lips.

It's over.