"How am I supposed to love when all I've ever known is hate? How can you expect me to be open when I've been pushed past my breaking point multiple times?"

❃ B l a z e ❃

All I could see before me was the boy who decided it would be better to run. I didn't blame him, he had his reasons, but a part of me loathed that he got out and I didn't.

And now he was back.

When he started to walk towards me, I was about to change my direction when Travis grabbed my upper arm. "Hey, what happened? You look like you've seen a ghost" his eyebrows furrowed as he scanned my face. Maybe because I did.

His gaze shifted to where mine had been a second ago, and his eyes widened as he saw Jonah approaching. "Isn't that..." he began to speak but was cut off by my sharp intake of breath when Jonah stood before me.

He looked different than he had a little over a year ago. He still had the same grey eyes as his European father, but they were no longer hidden beneath glasses. He looked exactly like his Asian mum, the same sharp jawline and creamy skin. But I recognised what had changed. Because that was what had happened to me too.

His eyes weren't as bright as they used to be, they weren't the same vibrant grey that Kiara had spent hours adoring. They were dark and gloomy, as if sheltering all the pain in the world behind a simple grey cloak.

He had grown taller, likely parallel to Aiden and gained some muscle, but it looked like he was uncomfortable in his own body. I could identify the need to hide in his eyes, the same way I just wanted to escape and cower away.

"Blaze" he spoke my name as an apology, a breathy sorry that provided no ointment to my scars. I didn't say a word, just glanced and then walked around him.

Don't ever contact me. The singular text of his flashed in my mind, the only one I had got before he and his family disappeared for the span of a year.

I wasn't being snarky or a bitch, I was just saving myself from having to relive everything all over again. I couldn't bear to see him now. He was a person that reminded me too much of the past that I wanted to escape.

I walked towards my locker with my heart pounding frantically in my chest, and the metallic taste of blood coating my tongue as I bit down on my lip further. I was ready to welcome the pain, but not Jonah. Not now.

My skin prickled as I sensed him following me, and I dodged between students in a hope to give him a hint that I didn't want to talk. But it seemed like his intelligence had dimmed down, as he continued to trail behind me.

Travis and Ann were still standing where they were, looking at us with an astonished and confused look respectively.

I opened my locker and hid my trembling hands inside it, using my books as a ruse. I wasn't going to give away how much I had been shaken up by his return.

"I'm sorry" his familiar low voice greeted my ears and I squeezed my eyes shut to clamp down on the intrusive memories associated with him as my best friend.

I opened my eyes and stayed silent the entire time as he watched me with a pained gaze, his hurt seeping through his eyes. It felt as if a shard of glass has been wrenched in my heart as I tried to control my jitters.

"Please. Talk to me" his voice was barely above a whisper, our conversation hidden from the prying eyes looking over at us for a taste of gossip.

"Don't" the single word uttered from my mouth held so much resentment that he suddenly stilled. I was wrong for taking out my emotions on him, we had both witnessed our happiness unravel before our eyes. The only difference was I had stayed and suffered in pain and he ran away without a single goodbye.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" he repeated it like a mantra, his eyes giving me a peek of his agony. "Don't" I repeated myself, avoiding his gaze. I didn't want his apology. I didn't even want to see him right now.

He gently went to put his hand on my shoulder, but I flinched away harshly as tears brimmed my eyes. The inside of my lip was smeared with blood and I could taste it, but that pain didn't provide the relief that I so desperately sought.

"Blaze please. Let me explain" his soft voice should've provided me a friendly solace, but all I could see was an image of betrayal and abandonment in front of me. I took a deep breath and forced the tears down, but I could see he had noticed my state.

"I need to talk to you" he urged and I was finally able to meet his gaze. It pierced into mine, the stormy grey sea of his colliding with my lifeless blue ocean. It was the epitome of disaster and grief, slashing through my bleeding heart.

We used to be best friends, almost like siblings, but the day he chose to remove me from his life was the day he severed that tie.

If I could pick out one emotion that was raging in his eyes now, it would be pain. As if it physically hurt him to stand here before me and speak.

"No" the one word slipped off my tongue and my voice cracked even if it was a single syllable, my own throat deceiving my emotions.

"Please. I'm so sorry. Just please hear me out" his profuse apologies were deflected from my ears as I sped through all the pain I had gone through this past year. Alone.

I shook my head and he stepped forward but paused. I was intimidated by a familiar presence behind me and turned around to see Rafael glowering menacingly at Jonah.

"Who the fuck are you?" He sneered at Jonah and I winced at the hostility in his tone. I didn't need a pissing match right now. I just wanted to be alone.

"I could ask you the same question" Jonah murmured distractedly, still looking at me as I avoided his gaze.

"Leave" Rafael gritted out as he stepped closer to me. I was feeling suffocated all of a sudden, like an anvil was weighing down on my lungs and vitiating my chest.

"Shut up. Stop it" I said, my voice was shaky as I dug my nails into my palms. They were triggering a panic attack that I really didn't need right now.

"Blaze. Why won't you listen to me?" Jonah's desperate voice sliced through my thoughts and I stumbled back as the severity of his gaze. He wanted me to listen, but that meant recreating that night and the excruciating anguish accompanied with it. I couldn't do that.

"I don't think she wants to talk to you" I could hear Rafael losing his temper, but I was dazed by the memories which hit me like a freight train.

One question. That last step. The blood. All that blood.

I could hear Raf's voice saying my name, but I could see so much blood marring the polished floors. Crimson pools, it was her blood.

I stumbled back into my locker and hissed in pain as my shoulder jabbed against the edge. I felt someone's hand near my arm but I flinched away.

Hurt. She was hurt. All alone.

My breathing became short as I felt a sudden deprivation of oxygen, like a noose tightening around my neck. My lack of sleep was making me disoriented as I struggled to focus on my surroundings. I could feel raw tears streak down my face, gushing like a waterfall that had no dam.

Screams. So much noise. Nightmares.

A pathetic whimper slipped past my tongue, and I could feel the full force of my own memories as my body took the brunt, my nails embedding into my palms and my teeth coated with blood.

I could make out someone's hand grabbing my own and their fingers interlacing with mine as they unfurled my clenched fists. I registered skin rubbing against my hand as the person drew circular motions on my palm.

I was a prisoner to my own mind, punished again and again as I had to feel the pain of that night once more. But nothing could match the heart wrenching terror that had stricken me that night.

I was stuck in a limbo between the past and the present, and the worst part was I didn't know how to find my way back.

My rampant thoughts had grown claws, digging into me and pulling me apart from the inside. A phantom pain spread across my body as more tears spilt out of my eyes. But I couldn't discern what was real and what was not, as I felt fists raining down on me, and a pool of blood spreading at my feet. I looked up to see my best friend looking at me in accusation, her dead eyes chilling me. "Your fault" her voice was raspy and her sunken cheeks were colourless.

No. No. I didn't mean to. My own voice sounded foreign to me because no amount of words could bring back what was already gone.

"Don't go" the words ripped out of my raw throat and it felt as if someone was raking their fingernails on the inside of my neck. Sobs escaped my mouth as the pain only seemed to grow, like a malignant tumour.

"Focus on my voice, sweetheart. I'm here" a voice called out like a lullaby beckoning me to sleep. But the memories didn't stop, they never left. I should've known better. They played in front of my mind, over and over again.

That dead look. Sandy blonde hair. Dark, starless night.

"Blaze, come on. Focus. I'm right here, princesa" the familiar husky voice whipped through my brain, as I held onto the hand like it was my anchor. If I didn't grasp tight, I would drift away in this ocean of memories, stranded adrift amidst a sea of agony.

She had no saviour. Loneliness. The ledge.

"Listen to my words. I'm here with you. I'm right beside you" the enchanting voice called out and I gave into it, feeling reality gradually trickle in.

It felt like years had passed when my stupor finally faded away, and my gaze cleared. The first thing I saw was a pair of green eyes, leaning incredibly close to mine.

"Raf?" My voice sounded dry and distant. It was as if I still wasn't quite there yet.

I was pulled into a hug and I barely had time to react as I felt strong arms encase me like a protective shield. I could feel his warm cinammon smell engulf me, which made me feel safe and familiar. I was in the present, not back there.

Tears streamed down my face and onto his shirt as I remembered the terror.

He pulled back and then leaned close, his steady sage eyes running over my face as if it held the secrets to my impromptu breakdown. The pad of his thumb ran across my cheek as he wiped the tears off my face. His body heat creeped across my skin, and rather than feeling panicked, I welcomed the assurance it provided.

I felt horrible for feeling so vulnerable right now. I was supposed to be strong, but why did it feel like I was getting worse every day?

I inhaled a shaky breath, feeling my lungs burn and cripple from the simple effort. I looked behind him to see the entire hallway was empty except for Jonah, Bree and him. I was ashamed that I had acted like this, but I couldn't stop it.

Jonah was looking at me concerned and with a twinge of pain, while Bree looked like she was bewildered and shocked about what to do. I felt my cheeks flame up as Raf's thumb didn't move from it's place on my cheekbone.

"We have class" my voice was barely above a whisper as my parched throat hurt to speak. "Don't worry about that" Raf said but I interrupted him, shifting my gaze into the floor. I was embarrassed to no point.

"I want to go" I insisted, barely whispering but Raf wasn't having any of it. "No, you aren't going" He looked me straight in the eye as he tilted my head up.

I took a deep breath and masked myself with a stony expression. "I'm going" I said firmly and from the edge of my vision I saw Jonah furrow his eyebrows.

"I still want to talk to you. But not now" Jonah said softly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Avoid Aiden" I said those words in the most convincing and persuasive way I could. It was a warning based on how he had treated me this past year.

Even if he was injured, I'm not sure how he would react to seeing Jonah now. As much as I wanted to avoid Jonah, I couldn't bear seeing him get beaten up for reasons unbeknownst to him. And I didn't doubt that Aiden would be thrilled to lay his hands on Jonah.

He looked at me weirdly and glanced at Rafael, who still hadn't let go of my hand. I was about to pull my hand out of his, when he gripped my hand tighter, glaring at Jonah.

"I'll go now" he muttered, looking back at me but I looked away. I saw a flicker of sympathy in his eyes as he caught my gaze. It was as if he knew what had happened to me, like he had been stuck in the same position too.

As soon as he was gone, I saw both Bree and Raf look at me sharply. "Class" I muttered, dropping Raf's hand and walking forward but they flanked me from both sides, making me stop in my tracks.

"Can we go now?" I blankly told Raf and he just stared at me. "Are you okay?" Bree asked and I nodded my head once. "No, you're not" Raf scowled at me. "I said I'm fine" I schooled my features into an emotionless expression.

I was convincing myself that I had felt pain much worse than this, but the kind of pain I had felt right now was brandished into the folds of my mind. There was no escaping it, but I would run and hide until I could.

"Why do you keep lying?" He looked frustrated and I stopped myself from feeling hurt by his words, because they were true. "I'm not" I said as I walked ahead once again. "Just stop Blaze. Drop the act for a minute and stop trying to pretend you're okay when you are clearly far from it" he said sharply and his words stung me.

I needed to stop getting hurt at the smallest of things. I smiled tightly at him as he continued looking at me as if he was seeking solutions for questions that I didn't even know how to answer. "I'm not acting".

"Bree you should go, you're already late" I told her as she looked at me in the same way as Raf. As if I was too fragile to handle.

She went to protest but Raf sighed. "It's fine. Go Bree" he told her and she looked haughtily at him. "We're going to class" he told her and after a few moments of glaring, she nodded and left.

"Travis and Ann were worried too. I sent them to class. You were out of it for quite a few minutes" Raf informed me, trying to get a reaction, but he wasn't going to get any. Feeling numb was better than showcasing my emotions. "Oh" was all I said.

I wanted to show that it didn't affect me that I'd lost it in front of my friends and probably most of the students in my year group, but it did affect me so much. It was proof that my own mind was slipping away slowly, and I was losing control.

"You should wash your face first" Raf directed, nodding towards the bathroom. I went inside without saying a word.

My own reflection was enough to make flinch. I looked ghastly, as if I had been raised from the dead. My hair was all over the place, strands flying out of my hairtie and sticking to my clammy neck and face. Tear trails streaked my face and I was glad I had no bruises to hide on my face anymore. But the worst part was my eyes. They looked so lifeless and dreary, as if all the colour had been sucked out and replaced by a glassy decoy.

I avoided seeing my reflection again as I washed my face and rinsed my mouth, the metallic bloody taste spreading. I tied my hair into a ponytail again, my head feeling extremely heavy on my shoulders.

Raf gave me a once over as I walked out, his eyes probing me but I ignored him.

I briskly walked to English, dreading seeing Mrs. Lively's face. Raf was silently observing me with a laser gaze, looking for a chink in my armour. There were many but I had managed to conceal all of them with a heavy curtain. I just hoped he believed me when I said I was fine. Which I knew, he didn't.

Mrs. Lively merely glanced at us when we were late, not uttering a word as if she was tired of yelling at us. I saw her brows knit as she looked at me, but she didn't comment.

A few students looked at me as if I was some outcast and I could practically hear the judgements floating around. Mrs. Lively cleared her throat and refocused everyone's gazes on the board.

I was grateful for that because as soon as I sat down, I felt fatigue wear me down. I propped my head on my shoulders, as I ignored the sharp gazes of Ann and Rafael on either side of my head.

I was okay. I was okay.

I kept repeating it like a mantra, in hopes that maybe I would come to believe it some day.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

After English, both Raf and Ann had tried unsuccessfully to get me to talk about what happened and so had Bree in Biology.

Eventually all of them gave up and we resumed our friendly banter, albeit it was a bit stiff this time.

I could sense the question on all of their tongues- who was the guy from the morning and what had happened to us? But whenever one of them went to ask, I deflected and tried to play it off as something else.

Their levels of frustration were increasing as was the concern plastered on their faces. However, I refused to budge.

A few students would shoot me weird looks and I didn't doubt they had seen my embarrassing breakdown.

It was now the period before Lunch- Physics and I was already on the verge of passing out. My eyes felt droopy as if my brain had finally comprehended how much sleep I had missed and was trying to make up for it.

I walked into the classroom alone, as I was the only taking this class in this block. Our teacher was quite laid back and maybe I could sneak in a few minutes of shut eye. However all my hopes vanished, when I saw Jonah in the same class.

My breath hitched as I saw him sitting in the front, staring at me. The people around him were gazing between the both of us with curious eyes and I felt the urge to flip them all off.

I took my designated seat in the back, closing my eyes as I convinced myself I was stupid for overreacting so much.

Jonah didn't move from his seat, just stared ahead but he was sitting ramrod straight. "Are you guys still friends?" Rowan, a guy who usually sat in front of me asked. I looked at him blankly. "Not your business" I scowled and he shrugged his shoulders and turned back around.

The rest of the class I felt highly uncomfortable and there were moments I wished the ground would just swallow me. I reassured myself that I was strong, but in reality I knew that if Jonah's return was making me so anxious, what would I do the day I finally left Aiden?

As soon as the bell rang, I pushed people out of the way just to get out of class. I could see Jonah get up just as quick, but he was held back by the teacher.

I saw Raf and the others, sans Travis, near the cafeteria door. "Woah. Calm down there Turbo" Raf joked as I made my way there. There it was on his face again- concern and pity? No, I didn't want him to sympathise with me because of one panic attack. A terrible one, but I refused to be pitied.

"I'm starving. We should go" I urged all of them and they simultaneously furrowed their eyebrows. "Okay. Let's go" Bree shrugged her shoulders.

We all got our lunches and sat down at our usual table. Aiden wasn't anywhere to be seen and I almost sighed in content.

Travis joined us after a few minutes and he was breathing deeply. "Almost got detention" he muttered. "Why?" He smirked at my question. "I might have mentioned that she was a shitty teacher and that my eight year old cousin could handle a class better".

When everyone looked at him incredulously, he grinned. "The truth shall set her free. Hopefully from this school" and I couldn't help but laugh.

"I dodged out of there faster then you could say Raf is whip-" he was cut off by Raf's hand covering his mouth. Raf looked at us sheepishly while glaring at Travis.

Bree, Ann and I started laughing at their antics, ignoring what Travis had almost said. "You fucking bitch. You slobbered all over my hand" Raf looked at horror in Travis who had apparently licked his hand. "Go wash your hands" Ann ordered him.

I was full on grinning at this point, forgetting the anxiety that had been swelling in my chest not even a mere twenty minutes ago.

But the grin was wiped off my face when I saw a particular person approaching our table, looking anxiously at me.

The others turned around as my sight stuck on Jonah, who was looking right back at me intensely. Raf and Bree scowled, and Travis looked like he wanted to say something but refrained. Ann looked at me in confusion and worry.

"B, can I talk to you?" he said and I felt a sharp pain in my chest when he said it. The same thing he and Kiara had called me. "It's Blaze. I'm eating" I said curtly and I saw him wince at my words.

Another ripple of anxiety surged through me, overpowering my senses. It felt like my heart had withered as I felt my chest constrict painfully and weigh upon me like a stone wall. I could sense my airways had tightened and I dug my nails into my thighs, feeling them graze against my scars.

I was trying hard not to get sucked back into that whirlpool of dark thoughts. I took a deep breath, somehow grasping onto my surroundings like a lifeline. I was in the school cafeteria, not in that building.

I could see the others looking at me in synchronised expressions of worry, and I saw Raf was about to burst out. Jonah was practically begging me with his eyes and I sighed in defeat. He wasn't going to let this go.

"Outside" I muttered and went to stand up, but Raf stopped me.

"You are going nowhere with whoever the fuck he is" he gritted out, his venomous sight targeted on Jonah. However, Jonah didn't seem fazed at all, as if he was shielded to such hostility.

"It's fine. I'll be back" I convinced him but he seemed adamant on refusing. "No. Did you see yourself this morning? You were talking for a minute with him and you had a breakdown. So no, I don't know whatever the past is between you two, but you're leaving now" he bit out harshly, glowering at Jonah during the last part.

I recoiled from his words, his uncalled anger catching me off guard. "I'll be back" I said curtly, a tinge of annoyance creeping into my voice.

"Then I'm coming with you" Raf declared and I glared at him. "No" I said and then followed Jonah who was waiting. When Raf came after us, Jonah turned around and stared at him.

"Back off. This is between us. I don't know who you are either, but this doesn't concern you" Jonah's current tone was completely opposite to the soft spoken nature of his that I was accustomed with.

"Rafael, just go" I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I felt an oncoming headache. "I still have to wash my hands either way" I was about to point out that there was a water station inside, but stopped at the fierce look on his face.

We walked awkwardly with Raf trailing behind us like an overprotective father. I could tell that Jonah was annoyed, but he didn't say anything.

Once we were outside near the benches, I turned to Raf who took it as his cue to leave. As expected, he glared at Jonah who didn't hesitate to return the favour.

We sat down and I could feel the tension prickling my skin. "Just hear everything I have to say" he sighed after a few seconds.

I nodded, clenching my jaw.

"I needed out" he began saying, his voice betraying all the pain housing inside him. "I couldn't bear staying here after everything happened, the guilt was weighing down on me" I looked down at the ground, trying my hardest not to lash out.

I could've saved her, it was my fault.

"After that night" his voice cracked "I-I've had nightmares ever since" his agony mirrored mine. "I loved her. I fucking loved her, and I couldn't help her. We were there for those last few weeks, she was so out of it. I could've noticed it sooner B, and I would give up everything just to go back and stop her"

The moments fluttered in front of my eyes like a movie reel. I could tell she was sad the last few weeks. I brushed it off as mood swings, I was a horrible friend. I didn't deserve to be here, she did. I could've stopped her.

Tears filled my eyes as I glared at the concrete. "It's so hard. No one understands how horrible it is. They think I'll get over it and that it wasn't love. It was for me. They're so wrong. I've spent hours just crying, wishing I could have saved her. I don't know how to go forward, even if it's been a year. I'm still stuck there. A part of me died with her" I looked up to see his eyes brimming with unshed tears, much like mine.

I could see this was just the tip of the iceberg, and he had so much more to confess.

Before I could say a word, I saw him pale as his gaze shifted behind me. I saw Aiden, who was fuming and storming towards us. "Jonah. Go" I said quickly, snapping out of the past, but he seemed frozen to the spot. I pushed him slightly, fear swimming in my veins at the fight Aiden would cause.

Jonah was rooted to the ground, not saying a word as I shoved him to no avail. Aiden suddenly came up behind me and I could feel his anger, before he was even close.

"Move" he said harshly, his hands twitching at his side. He was crazy if he thought I would let Jonah get hurt. Even if I didn't want him around, Jonah didn't deserve to be beaten up for something that wasn't his fault. It was all mine.

"Aiden, don't" I glared at him, standing in between both the two towering figures. Aiden cracked his knuckles and I knew right now he didn't feel any pain, he just wished to inflict it.

"Shut the fuck up" I flinched at his words and I saw Jonah knit his eyebrows. "No" I looked him in the eye, refusing to back down. I wouldn't hesitate to kick him if he didn't. I wouldn't let someone else get hurt.

I could see he had lost whatever control he had and I knew what would come next.

But before he could even lift his hand, I felt another person step beside me.

"Go" Rafael said the single word with so much malice, I was surprised he wasn't lunging for Aiden already. I refrained from saying anything as they stared down at each other,

"Move" Aiden gritted out and he was a second away from bursting out. "Jonah, go" I said again, and this time his gaze snapped to mine, confusion and a hint of fear and guilt in his eyes.

Jonah looked hesitant to move, but at the sharp look Raf sent him, he started walking away, but not before looking at me worriedly. I could handle this.

"Aiden, leave" I said more firmly, and his venomous gaze shifted onto me. I could see how bad he wanted to hurt me, and I dared him to raise a finger with a look. I wasn't fearless because Raf was beside me, I was retaliating because I was done with him thinking that I was going to succumb to his threats. I was mentally unstable, but that didn't mean I couldn't stand up to him.

"Blaze, don't test me" he gritted out and I could feel my blood run cold. Fear was still instinctively embedded into my body, but it didn't signify that I had to show it.

"I suggest you fucking leave before things take a turn for the worst" Raf threatened and I looked at him to gauge his emotions. He was calm, dangerously so.

"Don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong" Aiden sneered. "Exactly, or I might break it next time" Raf threw the threat around as if it were child's play for him.

"Sweetheart, support him all you want. You're still dating me. She doesn't know all the horrible things you've done, does she?" Aiden smirked evilly at Rafael who looked like he was about to pop a vein.

I looked at Raf in confusion, but I wasn't fazed by Aiden's threat. Nothing could be worse than what he had done. Nothing.

"Wouldn't want mommy and daddy knowing their precious son takes recreational drugs, now do we?" Raf snarled and I could see Aiden's face drop notably.

This was new information to me, and I looked at Aiden with wide eyes. I wasn't concerned, I was shocked. Sure, I knew he smoked weed but knowing he took drugs was definitely not something I had thought of.

"And who the fuck told you that?" Aiden was no longer masking his wrath, and I stepped away from the both of them, afraid that a brawl might break out.

"It helps when you have a dealer who supplies information too, except the regular" I flinched at Raf's words which seemed nonchalant. This didn't necessarily mean a good thing.

It confirmed the fact that he was more involved than I wanted to believe. He wasn't even bothered, instead he embraced drugs and that had to be the most terrifying thing about it. It was as if he wanted it to happen.

"At least I'm not popping on the daily" Aiden retorted, smirking. I could see Raf's anger mounting up, and I took another step back.

Both of their eyes shifted to me, one filled with hate and the other with distress.

"We should go back" I turned to Rafael, ignoring Aiden who was drilling holes in the back of my head.

"Blaze, be careful of him" Aiden said in mock concern, and I wanted to slap it right off his face. I took a step forward, feeling a sudden urge to just kick or punch him.

"Come on Blaze" Raf gritted out through clenched teeth, and I was surprised to see him restraining for so long. "Fuck you" I spat in Aiden's face. I saw him clench his fists and he raised them a bit, but Raf's gaze was locked on his face.

Rafael dragged me back. "Go. Now" Raf was now standing in front of Aiden. I detected a very tiny sliver of fear in his eyes. "Watch your back" he glared at Rafael before storming away.

Raf then turned to face me and I saw incredulity etched onto his face. I was confused until he started speaking. "You're still dating him?" he looked at me accusingly. "I- Yes" I said in a small voice.

"Why the hell aren't you leaving him? Do you see how he talks to you? I have to stop myself every time before I fucking slam his face in or worse" Raf looked furious and I inched away from him. "I'm working on it" I looked away, avoiding his gaze.

"You're working on it?" He humorlessly scoffed and I knew his anger wasn't directed at me. "Just break up with him. Why are you stalling? Do I have to do it for you, break a few bones while I'm at it?" He asked, a bitter undercurrent to his voice, and my eyes widened at his words.

I didn't think he noticed the tense dynamic between Aiden and I and this was the first time he had acknowledged it.

"It's not that easy" I was saying it more to myself, but I could see Raf's face morph into confusion and then anger. "Why? He doesn't control you, neither does he own you" he looked at me, scanning my face for a tell.

His words made me flinch. The truth was, there was a tiny part of me that still believed that I had deserved every single bruise he had given me. I was scared that if I did get out, the pain would follow me regardless. What if everyone became disgusted of me once I finally opened up? Th urge to get out was stronger, but that tiny part of me still instilled doubt in my mind.

His eyes were peering into mine, and I masked myself again.

"I will, I don't expect you to understand" I bit out and his face fell at my words. "Make me" he stepped closer and I felt his breath waft over my hair and then my face.

"Just tell me what you're hiding, sweetheart" he was now looking me in the eye, as he tilted my face upwards to meet his tranquilizing eyes. I wanted to tell him everything, but I wasn't ready.

A fear of the unknown was holding me back. And telling him meant exposing everything, something I wasn't sure I could do.

"I'm not hiding" I told him, my voice shaky as he lured me in with his gaze, not letting it waver. "You're not fooling me" he said in a deep voice, and up close it did nothing to calm my nerves.

"I will find out" his promise made me shiver and he leaned in even closer. I could barely breathe, as the heat of his body encased mine and his fingers brushed my upper arm, making my skin prickle. His enticing eyes pierced mine, trying to disentangle the web of lies that I had spun and inevitably gotten stuck in.

I could notice every beautifully fine feature on his face, even the imperfections that made him look more real, rather than some statue sculpted out of the finest marble.

He had a tiny scar on his left cheek and one of his eyes was almost minimally lighter than the other, but the sunlight illuminated the golden flecks around his irises. Hues of green bled into dark amber, a unique radiance eclipsed by his raging emotions of fury, grief and curiosity.

I could feel myself get ensnared by his soothing touch and fervent eyes. His face was barely inches away from mine and I had no idea how to react, but I knew the last thing I wanted to do was to move away.

His eyes were gliding across my face, and there was a tiny part of me that was concerned that he could see past my pretence and grasp on the secrets that I had been concealing for so long.

"Trust me" his voice was rough and I felt a sense of security blanket me, which made my heart flutter and my ears pound with my rapid pulse.

I waited for his next move, my mind zooming with a million possibilities. The spark was undeniable and his face was proof of it. But what I didn't anticipate was him suddenly jerking away, taking a few steps back.

"We should go. Everyone must be waiting" he cleared his throat and shot me a pinched smile, causing my heart to drop and my stomach to twist into knots. I should've expected this.

"Yeah" I mumbled, giving him a constrained smile in return. He looked at me softly, his face reflecting hurt and a fleck of regret.

We walked back side by side and the atmosphere was thick with undeclared words and repressed emotions. I refused to let it get to my head, I already had a lot on my plate. But a large part of me was overwhelmed by the way things were progressing with Raf.

When we entered back into the Cafeteria, there was still time before Lunch got over. My eyes regarded Jonah, who was seated gloomily at Logan's table. He was sitting in the far corner, and I could practically sense the awkwardness lingering near their area.

Logan was barely acknowledging Jonah, who looked defeated and his shoulders were slumped over his lunch tray, which had a singular apple. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, seeing my former best friend detached from the people who he had considered his best mates.

But I convinced myself that I was in the same condition after he left. Raf glanced at my line of sight and I saw his jaw tick as he observed Jonah and Logan. "Who is he?" He curtly asked and if the question tasted bitter on his tongue. But I knew his curiosity got the best of him.

"Kiara's boyfriend. My best friend. Sorry, was" I could feel a familiar lump in my throat as I answered his question bluntly. I didn't want to hide more than I already was. I was already losing track of what I was sharing and what I was not.

His gaze suddenly shifted to mine, and I saw it soften as he regarded me with a sympathetic look. His eyes shifted to Jonah and I saw him drop the glare he had been sporting since the morning.

"Don't look at me any different" there was a hint of desperation in my voice as the words stumbled out of my mouth. I internally cursed myself for sounding so forlorn.

"Never" his eyes gleamed with promise and I felt reassured because I trusted him too much to even think twice about his words. Even if his actions earlier had somehow managed to hurt me, there was something that made me want to profess everything festering in my heart.

When we got back to the table, I was guessing Travis had filled everyone in on who Jonah really was, as their gazes were now softer and significantly more intense.

My turbulent thoughts were whirling up a storm in my head, raining down on all the moments of happiness I had endured in these past few weeks. I was falling apart, piece by piece and all I could do was stand by and watch.

I had thought I was getting better, that I had found the thread to stitch me back, but now my wounds were wide and open, gushing with blood and bleeding me dry. I wondered how long it would take before I drained out.

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The rest of the day stretched on and I was feeling drowsier by the minute. Jonah was with Ann and I in Math, much to my surprise. I avoided him like the plague, ignoring how out of place he looked and the pained look etched onto his face.

I was surprised that I had stayed upright till now and I could see the others sneaking glances at me, which made me feel all the more queasy. Did I really appear that distressed?

Raf kept on observing me like some insect under his microscopic gaze. Whenever I would clench my fists or squeeze my eyes shut, he would silently open my palms and squeeze my hand making me open my eyes. He wouldn't say a word, just proceed to narrow his eyes and look at my face. His actions were confusing yet comforting.

I was glad that school was finally over. I just wanted to go home and sleep my worries away, and it was quite ironic considering I hadn't been able to sleep much for the past two days.

Raf, Ann and I were waiting in the parking lot for Trav and Bree. Ann was talking to a guy from one of her classes, while Raf and I were waiting for the other to break the tense silence. I couldn't gauge his emotions and that was making me twitchy.

"Could you please just say something?" I blurted out and he stared at me meaningfully. "There's much more than you're letting on" he stated factually and I bit the corner of my lip. I raised my eyes to meet his to see him deep in thought, but still piercing his eyes into mine.

"Stop downplaying your emotions, Blaze. They'll eat you alive" I could sense the desperation in his tone, and the frustration laced with concern.

"You should try and take your own advice too" my voice wasn't bitter or spiteful. I was saying it genuinely, because he cared about me, and I cared about him too. It was crazy to see how attached I had grown to him within almost a month. I hadn't ever trusted someone so easily, and I was scared if this was too good to be true.

"I try, I really do. But not letting them in is better" he muttered bitterly, revealing a rare moment of vulnerability for him.

"No, it isn't. Not if you share them" I was surprised by how openly he spoke. There was so much more to his words and he knew I realised that.

When he finally looked at me, I was startled to see the vehemence of his gaze. His eyes were locked with mine, devoid of all emotional barriers and I hadn't seen anything more beautiful. All his emotions were bubbling to the surface and I felt nothing but adoration as I grasped all the words he wasn't saying. His eyes told the story that he was incapable of narrating.

Hurt, anger, concern among other feelings that I couldn't define were etched into his eyes. Even if all they held were negative insinuations, I was drawn in by the ferocity of their magnitude.

His eyes held an unfathomable darkness but that was the elegance about it. The shadows were captivating, because instead of being something that warded me off, they pulled me in- luring me to join them in their night. I had a feeling that I would rather drown in his eyes, than hide away from his sight.

If eyes were the gateway to the soul, the person before me was just a tortured spirit hiding behind a strong façade, relinquishing his true emotions to the looming pit inside him. I saw a boy who was forced to grow up for some unknown reason, who had to handle himself because no one else was capable of doing so. My heart twisted at the raw display of emotions, that managed to riddle me in ways that I didn't know would be so painful.

He let his demons in, and a part of him surrendered to the darkness. He hid behind a cracked wall, and right now he let me peer in through one of the crevices, seeing the truth. He was so much more than he let on. Raf told me to stop hiding, but he was doing the same.

"You shouldn't hide all of it, either" I murmured and he tilted his head slightly, looking at me with the same severity.

"I don't want to, but it's all I've ever known" For a minute I thought I had misheard his words, and was about to question him further. However, my head snapped up at the sound of nearing footsteps.

An angry Bree was trailed by a grinning Travis who looked pleased at whatever he had done now. I wasn't even surprised as this was becoming a regular thing now.

"Can I just kill this twat already?" Bree directed her gaze towards Raf, who had entirely changed his demeanor. He had slipped on an amused expression and was back to cloaking his feelings. His smile was a bit strained as he regarded Bree, almost like he regretted his lapse in vulnerability.

"What happened now?" I turned back to Bree and Travis. "We apparently now have a nana who's in the hospital" Bree scowled at Travis, who looked at us sheepishly.

"Do I want to ask?" Raf grinned at Travis who shook his head. Bree continued rambling. "This dimwit thought it would be a great idea to invent an imaginary grandmother for us, just so he could get out of detention"

Travis rubbed the back of his neck as he looked meekly at us. "In my defense, I'm skating on thin ice with my mum. She needs my grades up, and if she gets even one call, then it won't go down well. Do you want to say my eulogy?" he looked at Bree while suppressing a smile.

"That doesn't mean you bring me into it. Why don't you try something I like to call behaving" she glared at him, but it was clear she was amused too.

"What happened exactly?" I asked. "Well I was almost out of school, when the same teacher I had escaped detention from stopped me. I needed an excuse and there she was" Travis pointed to Bree.

"Am I just an excuse to you?" Bree angrily glared at Travis. "No ba-Bree." Travis looked at Raf to see if he had noticed the slip up, but it was obvious that Raf's mind was somewhere else.

"I just told the teacher that her nana was in the hospital and I had to drive her there. It was worth seeing Bree's face" Travis slyly smirked at her. "Excuse me for not knowing my dead grandmum, who I didn't even meet, was in the hospital" she threw her hands up in defeat.

"She passed away before we were born" Bree offered an explanation at my scrunched up face, and sneaked a look at Raf. He was barely paying any attention to our conversation.

Travis was smirking at Bree, annoying her further. "You should thank me for saving your ass" Bree muttered. "You should've seen the teacher's face. For a minute, I thought she'd want to come with" he looked guiltily at us.

"That's a bit cruel" I quirked an eyebrow. "Trust me, it's not as bad as my mum's anger. It's a myth- single kids do not get pampered" he laughed. I could feel a pang in my heart at the possibility that I could've had the same banter with my mum. No. I refused to dwell on that right now.

After a few minutes of mindless talking, we split up to go home. I could see Raf had withdrawn again. The fleeting moment was gone as quick as it had came.

We all said our goodbyes as Ann joined us soon after. "Homework" she shrugged as an explanation.

I sneaked a last look at Rafael and he smiled back at me. After today, I knew that our bond ran deeper than we acknowledged, and that scared me. He was able to pull me out of my own mind's grasp and I was scared that I was using him as a crutch to solve my problems. I needed to overcome whatever was happening on my own.

On the ride home, we were all quiet and I finally explained to Ann who Jonah was, even if Travis had vaguely informed her. She looked shocked when I told her about Kiara. As soon as she stepped out of the car, she yanked the door open and enveloped me in a hug. I felt grateful for actually having friends like these.

Travis occasionally smiled at me and when we finally reached my house, he spoke "You can tell me anything, you know that right?". His words were kind and I nodded at him while smiling. "Thank you" his face softened and he replied "We're all here for you". 

I stepped out and I couldn't fight the blossoming warmth inside me. I smiled to myself as I entered the house. Maybe I would finally feel better with people like them by my side.

I made the decision to talk to Andrea about moving out and this time I didn't intend to cower away.

Hey Babes! So thoughts on the chapter? I had a more difficult time writing this for some reason, don't really know why but I'm over it. What do you think of Jonah?

I am literally such a bore these days and it doesn't help that I'm at home now. I have nothing to say except that I am proud of myself for writing more. How's life in your corner of the world?

Okay, so I read this comment somewhere that I wish 2020 was a TikToker so we could just cancel him and I have never agreed more lmao. I don't really know my thoughts on cancel culture, but I would gladly do it for 2020.

Anyways, Question: What is your favourite flavour of crisps? I don't even know why I'm asking this, but I am.

Heaps of love to all you beautiful people.

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