"I'm consumed by these tidal waves of torture, and the only way out is a pill that can hopefully numb me before I drown"

♛ R a f a e l ♛

Choosing to distance myself from others was one of my biggest regrets, yet somehow it allowed me to do reckless and stupid things without feeling an ounce of regret. The danger of Bree finding out about my drugs always loomed upon me, but it had gotten to a point where I used the pills as a distraction from reality and that was all that mattered.

However I could feel things shifting between Blaze and I, and as much as I hated to admit it, I didn't want whatever it was to stop.

I didn't want her finding out about the horrible things that had happened in my life, because that posed a threat of her realising she could associate with someone much better than me. Contrary to the common saying, my past did define me because it was a dark shadow that eclipsed my present and prevented the light from seeping through.

Okay, cut it out Shakespeare.

I was probably losing my marbles already, considering how haywire my thoughts were.

It hadn't even been ten minutes since my lapse in vulnerability with Blaze, and I could barely focus on the road ahead. Wow, my brain was seriously fucked up in more ways than one. I was playing her words on my mind in a loop. You shouldn't hide all of it, either.

Seeing her break down like the way she did today made my blood boil, but it also made me unsettled to the stage where I would probably do anything to stop her from falling back into whatever caused her to spiral like that. I couldn't see her so hurt again. Damn, I seriously needed help. Yeah, sure. Like you didn't before.

"How are things between you and Blaze?" Bree's voice sliced through my thoughts and I glanced at her as she genuinely looked curious. "Great. Why? Did she say something?" I asked warily.

She smiled at me and I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, "You like her, don't you?".

I scoffed at her ridiculous question. Sure, I cared for her, but that didn't necessarily mean it was something more.

"No. What makes you think that?" I bit my lip anxiously as she continued fondly smiling, as if she was some granny recalling her better days.

"Hey, spill it" I muttered and she cocked her head to the side, ignoring the quip in my tone.

"You're just genuine around her. You're not reserved, I can just tell" she shrugged and I ground my teeth together in frustration. "It's not something you should be scared about" she softly added, and that did nothing to calm my muddled thoughts.

I remembered how I had pulled back from her in Lunch, and the consequent pained look on her face. I exhaled a sharp breath at my stupidity.

"No, I don't feel anything. She's just a friend" I muttered and Bree scoffed. "You're forgetting that I'm your twin. We're practically telepathic" she pointed to my head.

"I don't know, it's obvious that she's still dating the grade A asshole. What am I supposed to do?" I admitted. "She's breaking up with him though, right?" She looked at me for an answer.

My mind raced to our conversation earlier. It made me so frustrated that she was hiding so much, and it was taking a toll on her. I couldn't battle the anger bubbling inside me when I saw her hurt, especially because of that asshole. My fists subconsciously curled around the steering wheel in a vice grip, as my jaw ticked.

"How do you know?" Bree rolled her eyes at my question. "It's pretty obvious. He gets handsy with other girls in front of her, I'm surprised he's still stuck around. She shouldn't have to deal with that" she muttered angrily, practically voicing my own opinion.

There was silence for a few moments, which was broken by Bree yet again. "I'm worried about Blaze. The way she lost control in the morning, it was so scary" her eyebrows furrowed, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Bree had been thinking about it ever since, much like me.

I didn't want to rehash the terror that had undeniably grasped me when she began crying and repeating incoherent words like a loop. It was as if she couldn't hear us and the pain emanating from her transferred to me, making my heart wrench at my inability to help her.

I would gladly take it all away, if it meant that she wouldn't feel an ounce of that torment that was haunting her for those abysmal few minutes. And that should've been a sign that I was falling much deeper than I cared to admit.

"I know" my voice felt raspy as I barely whispered. "You helped her" she stated. "Like fuck I did" I scowled, and the words seemed bitter on my tongue.

"But you did" Bree retorted. "Sure, whatever" I muttered. I wasn't the least bit convinced.

"She likes you too, you know" my eyes flickered to Bree's as soon as she said the words. The foreign feeling of hope streamed into my chest, but I masked it with a frown. Since when the fuck did I get so poetic?

"She said that?" I asked nonchalantly as I drummed my fingers on the wheel.

"She didn't need to" Bree shrugged. "It's pretty obvious, you're blinder than Helen Keller for not making a move. Also, you can drop the whole 'I don't give a shit' exterior. You clearly care" I scowled at her and huffed in annoyance. Mainly because she was right, about the last part.

"Give her some time to work through things with that dick. Raf, there's just something off about him" Bree pondered and once again, she managed to steal my thoughts.

"I know, I'm going to figure it out. But only if I don't end up murdering him first" I gritted out through my clenched teeth.

Just the thought of that bastard was enough to make my blood boil and make me want to go on a murderous rampage. "I'll be your accomplice". A grin split across my face at the seriousness in her voice.

Bree opened her mouth, but then closed it again. I furrowed my eyebrows as she stared back ahead in silence. "Spit it out" I sighed as we stopped at a red light.

"Did he say anything after that day?" My knuckles turned white against the wheel and it took everything in me not to lash out at Bree. It wasn't even her fault, yet the temper flooded my veins and hazed me worse than any drug ever could.

"He wouldn't dare. The hospital was enough for him. If he did, I'd make sure our dear father knew what the pathetic son of his lawyer said" I laughed humourlessly and red clouded the edge of my vision as I recalled the shit he had said.

As soon as the light turned green, I pulled over to the side of the road.

"He had no fucking right to say stupid stuff about things he doesn't know fuck about. You should tell dad about what he said, he can't just compare you and..." I yanked the door open and slammed it shut not being able to resist the familiar rage burning inside me as my mind went back to that dark place.

I ran my hands through my hair violently, tugging the roots in frustration. "Fuck, fuck, fuck" I muttered under my breath as my feet kicked the tyre in anger. I didn't even care about my car right now as my fists pounded against the hood, all I could hear was her voice that triggered those horrible memories.

Those degrading words echoed through my mind. Worthless. Disappointment. Murderer.

Black dots bordered my vision as I failed to calm down the feeling of anger blended with helplessness. I needed to see something destroyed, that was the only way to calm down the fire.

You don't deserve to live. You're useless. Even if she was far away from here, her words amplified like a demon running loose in my head.

The urge to destroy was stronger than ever, and my fists banged against the metal hood, but all I could register were the familiar memories pulling me back into the past.

Before I could do more damage, Bree's arms pulled me back and I was surprised to feel the steel in her grip. "Stop it Raf" she yelled and I was glad that no other car was around to witness this meltdown. My erratic heartbeat thumped against my chest and I pulled at my hair repeatedly.

Bree gripped my hand and I puffed out long breaths. "Just take a deep breath, Raf. In and out". My eyes slowly grasped the damage I had done and I sucked in a sharp breath.

"Shit" I eyed my car to see a huge dent on the hood, reflecting the sunlight.

"It's okay, we'll get it fixed" Bree tugged my arm so that I would face her. I was surprised to see I hadn't cracked my knuckles open. My vision blurred as I stared at the hood with a laser gaze, but my consciousness was still whirling from those horrible words.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I couldn't mask the desperation in my voice as I turned back to Bree.

Bree looked me straight in the eye and her face softened. "Nothing at all. You're absolutely amazing and I love you. Please don't say that again" I didn't miss the tremble in her voice and guilt swarmed me like a suffocating blanket.

"I've always been a disgrace, haven't I?" I don't know what possessed me to spill my emotions, but I couldn't keep it all in this time around. Teresa made sure to condition that into my brain and as much as I tried to move past it, I couldn't.

My eyes burned and I felt water prick the corners, but I refused to let it show. Emotions birthed weakness and catalysed heartache and devastation. I was too far gone to afford that.

As soon as the words left my mouth, Bree's arms wrapped around my torso and I heard her sniffle. If it was any other time I would've teased her for it, but I knew that even after so many years, it was still just as raw. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry" she mumbled again and again, and her words were muffled against my chest.

I rested my chin on her head and gulped down the lump in my throat. I always ruined things, and now I made my sister cry. Just great. "No, it wasn't ever your fault. Stop saying that".

I pushed down on my emotions, focusing on her. Bree audibly took a deep breath, but she didn't let go of me. "I could've helped you. You took it all on yourself". Of course, I had to. I couldn't let her bear that hatred.

"I'm your older brother. I'm supposed to handle it. Come on Bree, don't go soft on me." I hoped she found the humour in my words. She pulled back and punched me on the chest.

I groaned, but straightened up at the intensity of her look. "Stop joking about this" even with her red rimmed eyes, I didn't miss the bite in her tone.

"What do you want me to say? I'm fucking tired of everything" Acid coated my words and the familiar agony flooded my chest. I refused to go back there today.

"She fucking destroyed us, and she ruined me" my throat felt parched as I roughly gritted out the words. "You're right. She's a fucking bitch, and not worthy of being called a mother" Bree's anger flared up and I saw her stare off into the distance.

As much as she tried to show that Teresa wasn't a part of her life, I knew she craved a motherly figure. Bree tried to hide that but I could see right past it, just like she said that she could see right through me.

"Don't cry, Bree. It's in the past, isn't it?" I attempted to smile, but ended up frowning. "It's not, and you know that" she sighed as she furiously rubbed her eyes.

"Yeah, well. There's nothing we can do to change that" I muttered and reached out to ruffle her hair, but she swatted my hand away.

"Yes, you can. Start sharing and stop concealing" her glare caught me off guard. "I'm not concealing anything. Do I look like a makeup guru to you?" I grumbled, but Bree punched me in chest again. "Just because you're my sister, doesn't mean you get a free pass to do that every time" I glared at her, but she ignored me.

"Promise me you'll tell me whenever you feel this way and when you're not okay" I turned away from her and made a move to go back inside the car. However, she yanked me from the back of my shirt. "Promise me" she looked at me ferociously, and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

I sighed and nodded. She held out her pinky. "Are you five?" I groaned, remembering our promise handshake. "Do it" she growled and I raised my hands. "Okay, okay" I muttered and wrapped my pinky around hers.

She raised her eyebrows and I grumbled as I twisted our fingers and then bumped her fist. We knocked on each other's foreheads, just like when we were six. I always hated that last part. "Was that so hard?" She grinned at me and I couldn't stop a smile from breaking across my face.

"You're such a kid". Bree rolled her eyes, ignoring my words. "Don't get all sappy on me again" I joked as she glowered at me. "Don't ruin it" she jabbed her finger in my direction.

"You love me" I outstretched my arms and suffocated her in my hold. I hesitantly wiped the tear tracks off her face, feeling my chest wrench at the realisation that I caused this. Teresa was right, I was useless. An enraged voice brought me back to the present and I looked at Bree in amusement.

"Let go of me, you filthy scumbag" she muttered as I rolled my eyes. "Say I'm the best brother on the entire planet" her elbow dug into my rib cage and I clutched my torso in pain. "Fuck. Why do you have to be so violent?".

"You love me" she mocked and I flipped her off. "Come on, let's go home" She motioned towards the car and I nodded. The tension had dissolved quickly, and I sighed in relief.

As much as it pained me to admit, Bree had helped me a lot through all this. But it still didn't change the fact that she was an annoying brat.

On the drive home, guilt surged through my body. I shouldn't have made that promise if I didn't intend on keeping it.

It was empty promise that I was bound to break as soon as I had claimed to seal it.

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The rest of my afternoon was spent in a state of boredom. I had some homework, but I really wasn't in the mood to do it. After two hours of procrastination, I dragged myself to my desk to get it done. Despite it all, I couldn't let my grades slip.

"Fuck this shit" I groaned in frustration when I was finally done with the bullshit they tended to call homework. Okay, so it was important, but it didn't mean they had to give us heaps of it. I really was going crazy, arguing about homework to myself.

Flopping down on my bed, I grumbled into my pillow. "Bree" I yelled, but I got no reply. "Bree" I yelled again and groaned when I was met with silence.

"Aubree, I'm bored" I frustratedly called out to her, knowing this would catch her attention.

I heard shuffling outside my door before it slammed open to reveal a sleepy Bree, glowering at me with a murderous glint in her eye.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Dipshit" she sneered at me, and I sheepishly smiled at her. "I didn't know you were sleeping" I raised my hands in surrender and she stomped over to my bed and grabbed the pillow from underneath my head. It was slapped across my face before I could even react.

"No shit sherlock" she smacked me on the face with the pillow again. I grabbed the pillow from her hand, but she managed to wrestle it out of my hand. "It's almost dinner time. Why were you asleep?" she ignored me and laid down on my bed.

"Because I was sleepy, dumbass" she muttered, and I wanted to push her off my bed just to get a reaction out of her. However I didn't want to be getting an obituary anytime soon, so I held back.

I poked her on her shoulders and she peeked an eye open, still managing to glare. "I'm bored" I stated and she reluctantly sat up. "Do I look like a fucking event planner to you?".

"Hey, watch your language" I jokingly chided her, but all I got was an elbow to my stomach. "Go workout or something and let me sleep". I rolled my eyes at her dramatic sigh.

"Why are you sleepy all of a sudden?". Annoying her was probably one of the most entertaining things to do. "Why are you interrogating me like some murder suspect?" her words were muffled as she curled up against my stolen pillow.

I continued lightly punching her on her back and poking her on her shoulder. However, what I didn't anticipate was getting kicked in the ribs.

Wheezing like a grandpa with lung cancer, I glared at her with all that I could manage.

"Stop hitting me" we both yelled at the same time, which led to a staring match. I ended up winning, much to her dismay and I smirked victoriously.

"I'm hungry. Let's eat, you ogre" I was having way too much fun irritating her, and this would probably come to bite me in the ass. "I fucking hate you" she growled and sprawled across the bed like a pig. I kept that thought to myself in fear of being carved into like some mantelpiece.

"Are you not coming for dinner?" I tilted my head towards her. "I'm not hungry" her voice was stifled against the sheets.

"Did you just say no to food? We found the cure to world hunger" I gasped dramatically and was rewarded with a pillow to the head.

I was about to leave the room when Bree suddenly called out with a tremble, "I'm pregnant". I turned around before she even completed her sentence. I was greeted by a serious looking Bree who wasn't meeting my eyes.

"Tell me you're lying" I couldn't keep the anger out of my voice. "I-I'm not" She stuttered. "Aubree, don't fucking lie to me right now". All I could see was red and I clenched my fists as tight as I could.

"I'm sorry" her bottom lip wobbled and that did nothing to satiate my anger. I was about to pummel the wall, but stopped as Bree's lips upturned in a sly smirk.

"I'll fucking kill you" I directed my anger towards her, but it quickly dissipated into annoyance and a tinge of pride. She knew just how to rile me up.

"That'll teach you not to act like a brainless neanderthal and scream the house down" she shrugged and I gritted my teeth. "Did you just say a big word? That's progress, baby sister" I grinned at her and she scowled at me fiercely.

She got up and I ran out of the room before she could attack me. I heard her footsteps behind me, and I turned around and teasingly waved at her. I raced down the stairs and skidded to a stop in the kitchen, where Mariana was making fajitas.

Plopping down on the stool, I smiled meekly at Mariana who was staring at me disapprovingly.

Bree entered the kitchen seconds after, and she shifted her hatred-filled gaze onto me. "Sit down" Mariana pointed to her and she grudgingly nodded and took a seat next to me.

Mariana passed us both our dinner and I beamed at Bree who was still glaring.

The rest of our dinner was interspersed with Bree making not-so-subtle jibes on how she would gut me and sell my organs as compost.

"How was school?" I stiffened at Mari's question, and I saw Bree glance at me nervously. "It was fine" I said a bit too rigidly. Images of Blaze's horror-stricken face flashed in front of my face, and I clenched my fingers around my fork.

I was glad that I was done with dinner, because I got up and put my plate in the sink, avoiding the stares of Bree and Mariana.

A rush of guilt washed over me for not checking up on her sooner. I knew she would probably just be getting home after work, but it still nagged me whether she was okay or not. The answer was clear, and I loathed myself for being so careless regarding her.

As soon as I was in my room, I dialled her number without even texting her first. We had never talked on the phone and I felt like a twelve year old calling his crush for the first time. What? No, I didn't have a crush on her.

It went straight to voicemail and I tried again, and was greeted by the same automated voice. Taking a deep breath, I convinced myself that she must be busy.

My mind went straight to the possibility that she was ignoring me because of my actions. I hadn't missed the hurt etched on her face after our almost kiss in Lunch. Did that even count as an almost kiss?

Fuck. I was so stupid. We were practically inches apart and all I could think about was how much of a disappointment I had been, and what if she thought the same way about me? I didn't know what to do and I panicked.

My parents had basically set the bar for relationships underground, and just the thought of letting someone in made me shudder with the possibility of everything that could go wrong. How was I any different from them when we shared the same DNA? I was just as bad as Teresa, if not worse.

I tried texting her, but I knew that it was futile considering she wasn't picking up the phone.

Gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed, I mulled over my mistakes. One, I gave her the wrong message by acting as if I didn't want her near, when all I wanted to do was to pull her closer and keep her there. Two, I didn't apologise and acted as if I didn't care when she was actually all I thought about. Three, I was me, a mistake in myself.

"Fuck. I'm so stupid" I muttered. "You can say that again" Bree's cheeky voice called from behind me. I turned to see her leaning against the doorframe, looking at me with a watchful gaze.

"What's got your boxers in a bunch?" she grinned as I kneaded my fingers in my hair.

"Blaze" I probably sounded like a lost puppy, but right now I needed advice. Even if that meant putting my pride aside for a minute. I could do that if it meant I could help Blaze and maybe, myself. 

"Shoot" she plopped down on my desk chair and faced me.

"Okay, so we might have had this moment in Lunch. I might have pulled away and she might have been hurt by that, because I didn't say anything after either. Also, I might have slipped up after school and opened up a teensy bit, which might have confused her a little. And she might also not be picking up my calls right now, so could it be that she might be ignoring me?" Shit I was rambling. I furrowed my eyebrows as Bree stifled a laugh.

"You've got it bad" she commented gleefully. I glowered at her, trying to shake the worry mounting inside me. Fuck, I sounded like a Disney Princess. Now all I needed was a flower, and I could start plucking the petals thinking she loves me, she loves me not.

"Also, that is based off a lot of might's" she grinned and I groaned frustratedly.

"Okay, but to the point. I'm sure she's not ignoring you. She could be tired and asleep right now?" Bree said gently and I nodded slowly. "Plus, I don't think the two of you can stay angry at each other at all" I smiled at that fact.

"Why did you pull away?" Bree asked me genuinely. "I don't know how to act when stuff like this happens. Fuck, what if I'm overthinking and there's nothing there in the first place? I'm scared of all that" I spluttered, causing Bree to regard me with a soft edge to her voice.

"As I told you before, you shouldn't be. She's helping you for the better, and you're absolutely stupid for not realising that she feels the same way. Stop selling yourself so short, Raf. Don't overthink this" I sighed, knowing that she had already picked up on my insecurities.

I nodded and she smiled brightly while getting up. Just as she was at the door, she paused. "Feelings don't make you weaker. You deserve her".

I thought over her words even after she left. Bree could be a pain in the ass, but she understood what was on my mind, even if I didn't say it. I probably would die before I admitted that she had helped in clearing my head. No need for her to get a bigger head, she could probably rival Megamind with her currently blown up skull.

I checked my phone and felt a pang when I saw no missed calls. "She must be sleeping. Stop acting like a clingy boy- Fuck, what's wrong with me?" I muttered to myself.

I flopped down on the bed and a while later, I felt myself dozing off. But before I could fully flutter my eyes close, I shot up and remembered the one thing I promised to do to myself every night before I feel asleep.

My feet dragged across the floor as I pulled my curtains open to reveal the floor length sliding door. I nudged it open, and a chilly gust of wind creeped across my skin, making the strands of my hair tickle my forehead.

Crinkling my nose at the sensation, I stepped out onto the balcony adjoining my room. Out of everything in this empty house, this had to be one of favourites, followed by our den.

My gaze shifted up to the twinkling stars, some of which were fringed by ashen clouds which looked like puffs of smoke in the night sky. The moon was barely visible and it's crescent shape shined dimly, almost ringed with a tinge of yellow. I took a moment to appreciate the crisp, frosty air that nipped my skin and the way my mind calmed itself and ebbed slowly just by a glance at the starry night.

For others, these stars would have served as beacons of lights or objects of shining glory, but for me it was something more sinister. These stars were witness to every event that gone off course, and the only constant denominator throughout the downfall of our 'family'.

For me, they were symbols of ruin and degradation. The myth saying that once a person died, they became a star had stuck with me. To me, they were nothing more than a constant reminder of the death of the one person that had destroyed all of us, and instead of sticking together, we fell apart at the seams and ended up drowning in our own misery.

Excruciating pain had trampled and mangled my heart at her loss, and that injury never healed. Maybe that was why I was slowly bleeding from the inside out.

As morbid as it sounded, the only thing that I had in common with these glimmering celestial bodies was our habit of self-destruction. Theirs was a way of life, while I had chosen that path for myself. Maybe because the prospect of hurting myself was better than hurting someone else by dragging them into my mess.

I shifted my sight upwards to the misty sky and took a deep breath. I smiled as I felt the familiar memories project in front of eyes. Her carefree attitude and megawatt smile was probably the only glue holding us together, and it ended up fizzling out with her.

"I realised I actually do like her, but I don't know because it's not like a regular crush. It's something deeper. I don't even know why I'm telling you this, you're basically still learning the alphabet. But you're a really good listener, so why not? I really need her, she's helping me without even realising it. I don't know where she was all this time, but I'm keeping her with me, by my side".

To some outsider, I probably looked like a deranged lunatic talking to the night sky. Hell, I probably was. But this was just the one thing I had never failed to do everyday ever since she left. I had promised to never let her go and this was me keeping that oath, even if we were horizons apart.

My throat swelled and my eyes shifted to the ground below me, and I prevented myself from doing something stupid by grasping onto the railing like it was a lifeline.

"I miss you". I took a deep breath and uttered the next words with the same compassion, hoping she could hear me. "I love you Cai".

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The next morning, I surprisingly awoke earlier than usual and a smile spread across my face at the absence of a screeching Bree.

By the time I had showered and got dressed, there was still plenty of time to school, which was a rare occurrence with us. Bree was sitting at the table and looked at me anxiously once I sat down. "What's up?" I furrowed my eyebrows as she fidgeted with her fingers.

She reluctantly sighed and looked at me, glancing at Mariana who was on the opposite side of the kitchen from us.

"Dad called" her voice was no louder than a whisper, but I heard it loud and clear. My spine habitually stiffened at the mention of his name and I focused on the toast in front of me. "He's worried about you. You should call him". Even if her words were unsure, I felt a sting of betrayal which I was unable to mask.

"Raf, no. I know what you're thinking. Stop it" she urged me, and I nodded mindlessly. I was being stupid. "I told him about the car. He asked what happened, I said some guys from school did it" I winced at the mention of my car. Fuck, I really had gone ballistic with it, hadn't I?

"He wanted to sue" she smiled softly and I grimaced. "I know you don't want to speak to him, and I understand your reasons. Even if you don't want to talk about anything else, the case is coming up..." she trailed off as my nostrils flared. "Can we go now?" I curtly said and she nodded, not meeting my eye.

"I don't want to talk about it" I softly nudged her and she smiled warily.

I had barely finished my breakfast, and Mariana frowned at me disdainfully. I smiled at her, and grabbed my keys off the counter. "You sure you wanna drive that to school?" Bree looked at me amused, and I glared at her.

She deliberately made a show of grabbing her keys and twirling them around her fingertips. "No way in hell that you're driving" I scoffed as I snatched the keys from her grasp.

She punched me on the arm and I pulled the keys over my head. Bree wasn't short, but I was much taller than her. "Give it back" she yelled and I grinned at her. "We already have a busted car, we don't need another".

She scowled, but didn't say a word as I followed her to her car. "It's my car, so hand it over" Bree glared at me, but I ignored her as I sat in the driver's seat and threw my stuff in the back. She stood outside for a minute, glowering at me but then grumbled and got inside.

"You're a jerk" she muttered as she crossed her arms over her chest, throwing her backpack in the backseat. "Tell me something I don't know" I shrugged and pulled out of the driveway.

"We're early for once" Bree commented and I nodded. "Coffee?" She nodded eagerly and I rolled my eyes.

After providing Bree her caffeine fix, we reached school quicker than usual. As soon as I parked the car, my eyes turned to Blaze and Ann who were not far off from where we were. Bree glanced at me, then got out of the car.

I followed her and my breath hitched as Blaze looked at me. I was trying to gauge her emotions in that moment, and I couldn't pick up any resentment or hostility in her features leading me to sigh in relief.

I shifted my gaze onto Ann, and it was blatantly obvious even from a distance that something was off. I furrowed my eyebrows and I saw Bree do the same. I was about to walk to them, but was stopped by a look from Blaze which clearly meant that now wasn't the time.

Bree briskly walked over to them, and I bit my lip wondering what was wrong with Annikah. As crazy as it seemed, I was warming up to the entire group, which was something new for both Bree and I.

Blaze's eyes skimmed across my face and I didn't miss the faint colour warming her skin. A smirk split across my face at the thought that I wasn't the only one who was this affected and Blaze turned away, fueling my inner satisfaction.

It seemed like Travis wasn't needed either as he was leaning on my locker when I walked into school. "Is everything okay with Ann?" I asked him and he shook his head. "No, she's been pretty down since we picked her up".

"Life is shit" Trav commented profoundly and I nodded, "You can say that again".

After a few minutes, the girls joined us. A metal clang drew my attention to the guy from yesterday, Jonah I think. He was foraging in his locker and from the corner of my eye, I saw Blaze looking at him too.

It was obvious that something had gone down between them, and whatever it was, had been enough to make Blaze break down. As much as Blaze hid it, I was sure that there was much more than what she was letting on, and I had barely scratched the surface with her.

He suddenly slammed the locker and stormed away, and the students around us stared at him. I didn't know anything about him, yet a part of me still felt bad for him. Whatever had happened had clearly shaken the both of them, and a selfish part of me wanted to know just so I could help Blaze. What the fuck?

As soon as he left, Blaze shifted her eyes on us and I didn't waste time asking her about my missed calls. She looked surprised as she checked her phone and smiled guiltily.

A sense of contentment flooded me at the fact that I hadn't screwed this up. I was being crazy, obsessing over the tiniest of things.

"I'm having a sleepover at our house" Bree's voice pulled me back and I turned towards her to see the hope and excitement engraved on her face. I knew exactly why it was important to her.

When we were kids, we had never had an environment to bring our friends home to, all because of Teresa. Our childhood had been destroyed just because she chose to abandon us and forget about her duties as a mother.

Bree looked torn when Ann asked about why she was excited, and I felt a sharp pang in my chest at the thought of all the things she'd missed out on. I still blamed myself for most of the stuff that had went down, and despite Bree's and Jason's constant pleas to go see a therapist, I couldn't get that recurring thought out of my brain.

It's your fault. Teresa's words echoed through my mind and my jaw tightened as I recalled everything she had taken from us. I wouldn't let her in my mind, but it was easier said than done.

The constant reminders of those draining years always lurked in the shadows, and sometimes in a moment of vulnerability, I felt myself submiss to them. After all, false strength was something that could only hide so much.

My fists clenched, but then I relaxed as Travis joked around. However, the persistent nagging thought stuck to the distant part of my head that I was no better than her.

On the way to class, I couldn't help but smile at Blaze's weird behaviour. She looked adorable, and I was done denying that fact now. I hadn't failed to notice how different she was now, as compared to the day when I first met her. She was more carefree, and less scared.

I knew that whatever changes were happening between us were for the better. I just hoped that this change would last long enough for me to grasp onto.

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The classes till lunch had passed by relatively quick and I was waiting for the others outside the Cafeteria. Trav and Ann were the first ones there, followed by Bree.

"Where's Blaze?" Bree furrowed her eyebrows and I looked around. "She must be late. I'll wait for her. You guys go ahead" I offered and I felt like strangling Trav at the knowing smirk he shot me. Even if we didn't discuss feelings, I was sure that Trav was going to be a constant through my stupid shit.

"She can walk fine" Ann was grinning cheekily and it was clear that her spirits had lifted. I scowled at her, ignoring the looks they were sending me.

"I'll wait with you" Bree shrugged and Trav and Ann nodded, walking away.

"A sleepover, huh?" I looked at Bree who seemed content. "Yup, I guess the three of us needed a break. So I've made a checklist of stuff that we might need". She pulled out her phone and opened the notes app, showing me her list.

A laugh burst out of my mouth at her planning a sleepover like it was some corporate event. "Bree, it's okay. It's just a sleepover" I said calmly as she looked at me weirdly.

"Look, I'm pretty sure you don't need six board games and a new dartboard. And wait why would you need nine feather boas?" I looked at her incredulously, not sure if I wanted to know the answer. She grinned at me sheepishly, swiping away her phone.

"One, no one is going to play board games or darts. Two, I'm not even sure what to say about the boas. Three, it's going to be fine. You'll probably just watch a bunch of movies and eat a shit ton of food" I shrugged as she nodded slowly. In reality, I had no fucking clue what I was talking about. Sleepovers really weren't my forte.

I checked the time and saw that Blaze still wasn't here. "Let's go find her" Bree announced as if it were some treasure hunt.

We looked around most of the classes and outside, including her fourth period class which was empty. The last place was behind the school.

As soon as Bree and I turned the corner, I was surprised to see Blaze sitting next to Jonah, who looked like he might pass out from his nerves any second.

Blaze turned around to look at us and her face twisted into surprise. Their conversation seemed to be serious, as both of them were sitting on the edge of the bench and Jonah was gripping it as if it were the only thing holding him upright.

I felt a tinge of guilt at interrupting their conversation. Blaze didn't seem jittery right now, and it seemed that Jonah and her were talking things out. However, I wasn't going to be one to assume, so I resorted to keeping quiet.

Bree's voice piped up from beside me, "We were worried when you didn't come to Lunch". Blaze's face radiated happiness, as if the thought of someone caring for her was a rarity.

She told us that they were talking, and she hesitantly glanced at Jonah, as if she was unsure whether to leave him alone or not. Then she turned back around and made up her mind, nodding at us.

Bree and her started walking, but I stood rooted to the ground. A tiny voice was urging me to invite the guy before me to lunch as a gesture of kindness. I wasn't a dick, well most of the time. He could probably use a familiar face, and judging by his lack of friends, Blaze was the only one who had bothered to talk to him.

"Would you like to have lunch with us?" I offered begrudgingly, hoping to hell he wouldn't act like a douche. I was making an effort here, I think.

He refused politely, but I caught on to a hint of happiness in his voice. I nodded and started making my way back to the Cafeteria. I was fucking starving, and my lack of breakfast hadn't really helped.

Bree and Blaze were murmuring behind me, and I suppressed a smile at their surprise.

I wasn't that big a jerk, was I?

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The rest of the day was the same as usual and it went by quicker than most days. Once I was home, I made sure to tell Mariana to go home. Bree would probably be ordering takeout, and I remembered Mari telling me her son was sick.

On the drive home, Bree had warned me not to ruin her sleepover by barging into her room and preferably, not showing my face at all. I didn't really mind as long as I got to eat Chinese, which I was dead set on ordering this time around.

I was sprawled on my bed as usual, scrolling through my phone. Bree had popped in earlier to say she was leaving to go pick up the other two and get some food. She asked me if I wanted anything from the store, but I declined, knowing that I would probably just raid their supply.

I was about to go downstairs, when my phone suddenly rang and the contact name was enough to make me want to chuck my phone at the wall.

"What do you want?" I growled out and was greeted by that familiar low, gruff voice. "I told Bree to get you to call me" he said gently, which angered me further. I wasn't the scared kid that he believed I was.

"And I decided not to, Jason" I deliberately drawled his name, earning a sigh from the other end. "I'm trying" he said more to himself, and I ignored the jab of grief shooting through me. "No, you're not. If you were, you would be here" the accusation in my voice was enough to shut him down.

"I'm your dad, how long will it take?" he sighed after a long pause. "You lost that right when you failed to prove that" I gritted out, an apology didn't work wonders. Actions did, and he hadn't done enough to validate that.

"I'm sorry" another rush of anguish washed over me, and I tried my best to stamp it down. "That isn't enough" my voice was low and I could envision him wincing on his end.

He was the one to break the silence again. "It's about your case" as soon as the words left his mouth, my blood ran cold and unbridled rage left my heartbeat pulsating against my ears.

When I didn't say anything, he mistook my silence as a cue to continue. "You need to meet with Mark Marshall for the details until I get there. You might need to appear in court, and the date isn't too far away". An overwhelming swirl of anger, pain and hurt powered through me.

"I don't want him as my lawyer" I enunciated each word with undue hatred. It was directed at his son, but I couldn't help but project it further. "He's one of the best" Jason's voice held a finality to it, but I would be damned if I didn't fight back.

"I don't give a shit" I clenched my free fist, trying not to let my anger get the best of me. "You're still a minor, I make the decisions" he picked up his fatherly tone, and I scoffed bitterly. "And you're still a jackass".

I was about to cut the call, but froze at his next words. "They've added another charge" and my words shook with anger as he stated what it was. "That's not true. You know that's bullshit. All of this is" my voice trailed off, and I hung up before he could hear my voice crack.

No, I wasn't weak and helpless, was I?

It felt like everything was fading away, and I couldn't seize enough to stop the nightmare from seeping through. Outrunning that history was as futile as thinking that I was past this point of self-degradation, when I was clearly still stranded in the same frame of my mind. How was I supposed to stop the past from bleeding into the present and corrupting my existence?

I threw the phone on my bed, running my hands through my hair furiously. I was on the verge of snapping the thin thread of control I had over myself, and I didn't trust myself not to do something reckless.

As I paced around the room furiously, I could physically feel my chest compressing causing my breathing to become rapid. My pulse hammered through my body as my sight honed in on the top drawer of my bedside table.

The thoughts of losing myself to the oxy pills inside was omnipotent, and my feet acted of their accord as my hands scrambled for the packet I had hidden there. I could practically feel the numbness I craved as soon as my hands landed on the pills. There was nothing but the thought of losing myself to their influence that compelled me to take two in my hand.

However, a fleeting thought caused my body to reel back. Bree's promise dawned in my mind and doubt trickled in. I was consciously breaking that promise when it had only been a day.

I hadn't forgotten the pain she had felt when she had first seen me taking the drugs that I had mentally vowed never to take. She didn't know about my relapse, and my indifference to that lie scared me.

My brain was flickering with the disappointment and hurt imprinted on Blaze's face when she saw me in the aftermath of my high a few days back. I had suppressed it to the recesses of my mind, but now it was pushing to the forefront, reminding me of what a washout I was.

The pills scattered to the floor as my hands shook with rage and the foreboding of an oncoming outburst. "Fuck" I staggered away from the tablets as if they had scorched me.

Right now, my mind settled on the second best option to getting high, which seemed like a bad idea now. The only way to get myself under control was to channel my anger into something else or I would be popping the oxy in no time.

I grabbed my stuff and stormed upstairs to the gym.

Right now I hoped that my motivation to fight against my urges lasted and I didn't succumb to the drugs that I used as a getaway.

SURPRISE BITCHES! Was anyone expecting this chapter? I sure as hell hope not because I wanted it to be a slap in the face, but in the good way. Wait, that sounds so violent. I promise I wouldn't slap you in the face.

I'll be honest, this chapter was a spur of the moment thing and I hadn't planned it AT ALL. That's what made me majorly anxious before posting this, cause let's be honest I was horrible the first time around writing Raf's POV. I just hoped I did better this time, because I don't know shit about what goes on in a guy's brain. This chapter was pretty long overdue in my opinion.

Thoughts on the chapter? Did you like this side of him, and did you find out anything new about him? Any theories?

Thank you so much for 3K Reads, well almost 3.5K now and 500 votes. What in the heck did I do to deserve all this? I love all of you so so much, to the moon and back!

I'm knackered as fuck right now, and I should probably sleep considering I'm back at school now but whatever, insomnia isn't really helping me. Plus, I was way too excited to post this.

Question: If you could feel one emotion for the rest of your life, what would it be? One rule though, it can't be happiness. Yes I'm a morbid bitch lmao.

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