"Living but feeling as if though you're dying, constantly struggling when you're never bounded, that's the beginning of an inevitable downfall"

❃ B l a z e ❃

"Morning sweetheart"

I stayed rooted to the ground when I looked up to meet Raf's smirking face. He was leaning against the counter languidly, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Why are you on the floor?" He glanced at the sprinkles in my hand, and then the ones I had spilled on the floor. His eyes twinkled with understanding and humour as he stared at my awkward crouch.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed lowly, causing him to rise an eyebrow.

"Aren't you happy to see my face in the morning?" he raised a hand to his chest, and I scoffed despite feeling much calmer with him here.

Standing up rapidly, I brushed my knees while Raf traced my every movement in silence. I scanned his outfit appreciatively, a black crew neck with grey chinos. The sleeves of his jumper were pulled up to his elbows, showcasing the ink swirling across his veiny forearms.

Focusing on his tattoos, I noticed how intricately they were etched onto his tan skin and the way they some of them looked like beautifully written inscriptions. A particular tattoo of a pyramid caught my eye which was surrounded by a galaxy of stars. It was a peculiar design but one that looked like art on his arms.

I was snapped out of my earnest trance by a deliberate clearing of Raf's throat.

His eyes were shimmering with mischief, as he cocked his head to one side. "A great way to start your Sunday. I wonder who motivated you to have a treat first thing in the morning " he motioned towards the food I had placed on the counter with a knowing smirk on his face, and I scowled at him.

"I like fairy bread too" I protested meekly, but he just grinned at me.

There was a moment of silence, and then his gaze trailed down my body. I had the urge to shy away from his eyes as they met mine in a steady stare. All of a sudden, he bit his lip as a fit of chuckles escaped his throat.

I was about to snap at him, when I looked down at what I was wearing.

Pajamas with red ladybirds all over them.

When I met his stare once again, it was brimming with amusement and I could practically hear the remark on his tongue.

"Don't say a word" I gritted out through clenched teeth, however my annoyance was shadowed by the rising embarrassment flushing my body.

Raf raised his hands in a placating gesture, but his lips were curved up in a cheeky grin.

"Insects are a good look on you" he slyly remarked and I glared at him.

"There is nothing wrong with wearing ladybird pajamas on a Sunday. It's my tradition" I narrowed my eyes at him as I blatantly lied. He smirked, indicating he didn't believe a word I was saying. "I'm not complaining".

"Where are you going?" I pointed to his attire, and a hard look crossed his face. "Bree and I are driving back to my old city after lunch" he answered vaguely and by his guarded features I knew not to pry further.

An awkward silence loomed over us, which was broken by Raf's knuckles cracking.

"So are you going to share that?" He pointed to my unprepared fairy bread, and I crossed my arms over my chest. "Depends. Are you going to keep acting like an arrogant asshole?"

Shaking his head furiously, he reached out for the bread, which I reluctantly handed to him. Sitting down on one of the stools, I watched admiringly as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration while he evenly topped the buttered bread with sprinkles.

I didn't even notice when he placed a plate full of fairy bread in front of me. Once again, my face heated up as Raf caught me gawking at him like a creep. This time instead of making a cocky remark, he stared back at me with the same intensity.

My breath hitched in my throat as our eyes locked in a fervent exchange, and I knew our thoughts were raging in the same direction. Déjà vu washed over me like a tide, and I reminisced the moment in his kitchen where I had given in to my impulses. Did he remember?

"Don't do that" his voice sounded rough as it broke me from my thoughts, the green hues of his eyes pulling me into their trance.

"What?" I looked away from him, and focused on chewing my fairy bread.

"That thing with your eyes" he motioned exasperatedly with his hands and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as I swallowed. "I'm doing no such thing, whatever that thing is".

"You are" he groaned in frustration and I watched as his jaw ticked, his hands running through his caramel brown locks. A few unkempt strands ticked his forehead and I had the urge to brush them away.

"You're doing it again" his voice seemed much closer now, and I turned to see him sitting directly beside me, staring at my face.

Without thinking, I raised my palm to his forehead and pushed the wayward strands of hair away. Before I could retreat my hand, his fingers curled around my wrist in a soft circle and I lowered my eyes to meet his.

Swirls of green streaked by golden flecks, and I couldn't tear my gaze away. His long eyelashes fluttered as my breath fanned his forehead, and his pupils enlarged to the point where his irises were a thin ring of emerald and amber, scorching me in their trance. The familiarity of the situation seeped into my brain, but just like the past, I made no move to stop it, knowing that I didn't have that power.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

An enraged voice pierced through the thick silence, and I yanked my hand away from Raf's grip as I stumbled back onto my stool.

Aiden's face was twisted into pure, unbridled rage and his burning gaze focused onto the two of us.

"Nothing" I said as confidently as I could, yet I still avoided his eyes. "Sure didn't look like it" his voice was dripping with sarcasm and contempt, and I noticed his hands curling into fists by his side.

"What are you doing here?" He aimed the question at Rafael, who glanced at Aiden nonchalantly before shrugging his shoulders. I was surprised to see his calmness, which was a huge contrast to how they usually were around each other.

"I'm here to see Mark Marshall" Raf's tone was stiff and formal as he looked Aiden in the eye with concealed anger.

"And to screw my girlfriend" my veins flooded with disgust at Aiden's words and I scoffed bitterly at his insinuation, pushing down on the trauma associated with it.

"What the hell did you just say?" Raf glared angrily at him before standing up, his fingers grasping the kitchen counter in fury.

"She's my girlfriend" Aiden said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, causing my blood to boil.

The realisation hit me that I had never really "broken up" with him. How was I supposed to do it? I tried to get a word out, but my throat felt parched. "I'm not" my words were raspy yet firm, but it seemed like no one heard me.

"If she's your girlfriend, then fucking treat her like it" Rafael's lips turned into a sneer as he narrowed his eyes menacingly at Aiden.

The colour drained from Aiden's face as he turned to me, his hatred-filled eyes glowering at me spitefully. I could hear the question dancing on his tongue- What did you tell him?

I stared at him blankly, not saying a word, however I was equal parts scared and angry on the inside.

"Get out of my house" Aiden gritted out, his lips pulled back into a snarl, and I could see Raf's thin thread of control about to snap.

"This isn't just your house" a familiar gruff voice resonated amongst the thick tension, and I turned to see Mark standing at the doorframe.

He was dressed in a casual jumper and denim jeans, yet he still looked refreshed for a Sunday morning. A pair of glasses perched on his nose, and a folder in the other, he looked just the part of the great lawyer he was claimed to be. Mark's hair was streaked with silver strands, and a liberal amount of stubble freckled his jaw, which was ticking furiously as he took in the scene before him. 

He looked disdainfully at Aiden, a spark of anger flickering in his grey eyes.

Mark's gaze then travelled to Raf and I, and a warm smile spread across his lips.

"Good morning" He chirped brightly, conveniently ignoring the tense atmosphere. "Morning" I smiled wearily at him, and Raf muttered an incoherent greeting under his breath.

He looked tense as he sat back down, his sight trained to a cupboard handle. I moved a little further away from him, suddenly feeling conscious of our proximity.

"I didn't expect you to be here this early" Mark pondered as he grabbed a cup of coffee. Aiden was silently fuming in the background, and his sinister glare was unnerving.

"Oh okay" Raf's reply was curt and emotionless, and I could see he had withdrawn back into his shell. I was only somewhat aware of why he was here, as opposed to the others in the room who knew the exact reason. My concern only grew when Raf's hand clecnhed and unclenched under the counter, causing me to unfurl his fingers.

He smiled at me softly, before it was replaced by another stony mask of indifference. However, I knew it wasn't aimed at me, rather at Aiden and Mark.

"I don't mind. Why don't you finish your little snack first?" He grinned playfully, glancing at our plates full of fairy bread. A spark of amusement burnt beneath his metallic eyes, which dimmed when he saw Aiden glaring at us.

"Why don't you go upstairs?" Mark's voice was suggestive yet firm, and incredulity edged on Aiden's face as he processed his words.

"Do I look like I'm eight years old?" Another wave of anger washed his earthy brown eyes, and I could smell an oncoming screaming match.

"Aiden" Mark's voice ringed with a warning, but Aiden just scoffed humourlessly, completely ignoring him.

"Why do you think you can control me?" his voice was angry, but the hurt was overwhelming as his words ran deeper than the surface.

Raf suddenly looked uncomfortable as he shifted his gaze onto the fairy bread, as did I. From the corner of my vision, I saw Mark glare at Aiden, who still looked like he was about to pop a vein.

"I'm your father. Now I suggest you leave and take some time off" Mark's voice left no room for argument, and his anger was visible from the way his jaw clenched and his nostrils flared. Aiden's face slackened, and then absolute malice took over.

"I don't think you deserve that title anymore. Not after you leave for months at an end, and then decide you're going to forget all about your life here by moving to someplace where you wouldn't have to be reminded of her. Well guess what, I watched her die so don't think that you're the one who's suffering here" with each word, his voice raised an octave, but at the end it cracked. I couldn't look anyone in the eye, feeling myself sucked back into the images of those night.

My ears were ringing as blood gushed through them, a painful pang spreading through my chest. A thin layer of sweat beaded on my forehead and palms, making my fingers clammy.

All I could see was her face before she jumped, the resignation and hopelessness. But a tinge of freedom reflected in those ashen eyes, as if seeking death was her salvation. She was fighting a hidden battle, and in the end she succumbed to her wounds. The worst part was we never even knew about the raging demons, or the thoughts that compelled her to take that final step to another place.

My hands trembled, a constant playback of the words she said resonating through my head.

There's nothing left for me.

I can't take it anymore.

You all deserve better.

No we didn't, she deserved better than people who were ignorant to her struggles. I could've saved her, I could've stopped her that day.

"Blaze" A hand was shaking my shoulder and my eyes honed in on a pair of green eyes. Raf's face was scrunched up in concern and a hint of confusion.

When I looked away, Mark's grey eyes pierced into mine, a knowing stance ingrained into his posture. The same silvery eyes as Kiara, yet the grief and hurt in his was paralysing. The same colour, yet two very different emotions.

"Are you okay?" Raf's voice was soft yet urgent, and I nodded slowly while standing up.

"Andrea's out with your aunt for lunch, you can order some food if you want" I halted at Mark's words. "I didn't know that, she just told me it's a friend" I murmured in a low voice, before shaking my head.

This meant that I was really leaving, which was a good thing. But Aiden's words had hit a soft spot, I was leaving the place where Kiara and I had made heaps of memories, where we had forged our friendship and shared secrets. Getting attached to a house seemed hollow, but it was terrifying to know that once I left I would probably never have the strength to come back.

"This is a good thing" I subconsciously muttered under my breath, and both Raf and Mark glanced at me weirdly.

"Aren't you going to eat that?" I snapped my head up at Mark's question and looked down at my breakfast. "No, Raf can have it" He looked between the two of us as I offloaded my food onto Raf's plate, who looked embarrassed yet hostile to Mark's presence.

"Are you sure you're fine?" He surprised me by his hushed whisper, which Mark didn't notice as he was too busy scrolling on his phone. "I am" I wanly smiled at him, however his face portrayed his lack of belief.

Before he could say something else, I put my plate in the sink and rushed out of the kitchen. "Aiden's in his room" Mark's voice called out, and I ignored him, knowing all too well that it was the last place I would ever go.

My feet felt like they were lead poles as I dragged myself up the stairs, feeling a bout of exhaustion bunch up in my body. As I passed Aiden's room I heard a string of sniffles, feeling a tug at my heart.

A tiny part of me wanted to go check on him, however the rational part urged me to walk away, so I did. There was no point sympathising with someone who thought that hurting others was his form of grieving.

Closing my bedroom door behind me, I took a seat on the edge of my bed. My eyes darted around the room, to the packed boxes and the empty space, causing my heart to wrench on itself.

No one had gone in her room in a year, it had been locked and I wondered what state it was in. Would it still be just the way it was or would it be covered in dust and left forgotten? Would it still be wafting of her vanilla perfume or would it be fading away, just like she did?

The questions ran through my mind on a loop, and I rubbed the base of my palm over my lids in an attempt to ward off the same cyclic thoughts that had the ability to pull me back from moving forward.

I jolted when the door to my bedroom creaked open, and a red-eyed Aiden stood there.

His glossy eyes ran over the entirety of my room, burning with hatred when they stopped at the stacks of boxes lined up against the far wall.

"You're doing what you do best, running and hiding from your problems" his voice was rough and brimming with contempt. He took a few steps into the room and closed the door behind him, causing a flare of panic inside me.

My blood ran cold as his enraged eyes settled on mine, and uninhibited fury and disgust dripped from his face.

"I'm not running. Get out of my room" I said in the calmest voice I could manage, but my senses were on hyper alert. He wouldn't do something with other people in the house, but the way his hands were balled into fists and his manic eyes were flitting everywhere, I had to be cautious.

"You couldn't bear your aunt, so you came here. Now you can't handle the guilt of killing her, that's why you're going back there. Because what's a little emotional torment over the remorse of having murdered your best friend, right?" his words sliced through my heart, sending a tsunami of hurt coursing through my veins.

"No it's because of you, I can't handle you" my voice cracked just like my strength, and his nostrils flared as he inched closer.

"You know it too, maybe you didn't push her off that ledge, but you sure as hell didn't pull her back either" his words were boiling with bitterness and his eyes teared up, focusing on me with a rabid animosity.

Our voices were nowhere near a yell, and I knew our conversation was boxed by my bedroom walls, but the words he said were deafening and thunderous.

"I didn't do it. I didn't" I repeated it again and again, feeling my own eyes well up and my hands shiver from the memories.

"She was talking to you that night. Only you, but you didn't say a word to save her. You're a murderer" his accusations were like bullets piercing my skin, phantoms that left me bleeding in their path.

"No, I didn't mean to. She was, she was-" I was at a loss for words as my throat clogged with emotion, pushing out streams of tears from my eyes.

"She could've been alive right now" Aiden's voice was a mere whisper, broken and lost. Then suddenly, his eyes flashed with a spark of hatred and rage and his fingers dug into my shoulders.

"You killed her, you fucking killed my sister" his nails embedded into the flesh near my shoulder blades as he shook me, and I couldn't hold back the sobs racking through my body.

"You think I don't know that? Every single day I regret not saying a word, not being able to help her. You lost your sister, but I lost my best friend too. Why can't you see that?" Anger and distress overpowered me as I pushed him away.

His eyes were bloodshot, and tear tracks were streaked across his face. He looked like he had had ten breakdowns back to back, and judging by the way his eyes held unadulterated wrath and resentment, I wouldn't put it past him.

"Why would you do all that to me? Everyday you hurt me, you killed me on the inside. How are you any different?" my voice was barely a whisper.

I clamped my eyes shut to ward off all the memories that had Aiden's true colours associated with them, his hands bruising my skin and his touch violating my body.

"At least you're still alive" he spat out bitterly, as another set of tears streamed down his face.

"Barely. What you did to me, I would rather die than relive that moment" my voice shook as I gripped my table to hold myself steady. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

A flash of guilt crossed his eyes, but it was just as fleeting as Kiara's memory- hollow and windy. I wondered if I had imagined it, but guilt didn't change a thing. Guilt wasn't going to bring that part of me back, nor was it going to lessen my trauma.

"I thought I loved you, but love doesn't mean abusing the power I gave you over me" at this point, I was rambling off all the thoughts festering in the recesses of my mind.

"You don't deserve love, not after everything you did" Aiden's voice cut through my heart like a hot poker, and the salty taste of my own tears invaded my taste buds.

"Why- why do you hate me so much?" The question that had been running through my mind ever since he first touched me with the intention to harm spilled out of my mouth.

The primal fury that overtook his face was like none other I had seen before, it was feral, resembling a beast clawing it's way across my skin.

Without a warning, his fingers curled around my upper arm, digging into my flesh. "Do you really want to know?" his words were framed in a threat, rather than a question.

I nodded, an unexplainable fear and ominous foreboding settling in the pit of my stomach. My skin prickled as he rampaged out of the room, and I felt dizzy as another wave of terror pulled me under.

He returned not seconds later, and in his hand were two papers, that were seemingly ripped out of a notebook and I flinched when he raised his hand.

"This is why I hate you" his hand never made contact with my skin, it froze above my head, the papers hanging loosely from his fingers. Tears flowed down the planes of his face as he took one step back, and then another.

"You caused all this. Everything she went through was overlooked because of you" my body felt like it would collapse on itself when he slammed the sheets in my hand.

My eyes fell onto the words written on the page, and as my mind comprehended the handwriting, it felt like my entire world had crumbled down and the air had been sucked out of my lungs.

"No no no, this isn't real" my words were drowned by my own sobs, an image of destruction painted by a simple letter.

In a swift motion, I fisted the back of Aiden's shirt into my hand and pulled him closer. His deranged brown eyes were swirling with contempt, disgust and anger and mine- they were bursting with regret, hurt and disbelief.

"Tell me it's not real. Please" my voice sounded pathetic as tears soaked the front of my shirt, but nothing could battle the war waging inside me.

"I found it the night she jumped. It was on your bed" he scoffed bitterly and pushed me back harshly. I didn't even protest or say a word when I stumbled over my own feet, and the edge of the table jabbed into my side.

"I didn't do anything" my head felt heavy, as I slumped to the floor. The pain was unbearable, scorching and burning as it melted my insides.

"It should've been you that night. Her death is on you, only you" Aiden's voice sounded distant and faded, as my ears failed to filter the noise surrounding me. All I could hear were her heart wrenching screams before they were ravaged by the stillness of the night.

"You don't deserve to live" with those finals words, I heard my bedroom door slam shut, but I felt too numb to get up. Taking a breath felt like a thousand needles were pricking my skin, and piercing my heart.

The faint roaring of an engine down the driveway not even a minute later was tuned out by my own harsh breaths as I studied the paper in front of me.

My vision blurred as my trembling fingers failed to hold the paper upright. Frayed, torn edges and the yellowish tinge proved that it was real, very real. A string of sentences that could break me beyond the shattered state I was already in.

The words seemed to mock me, mimicking her writing like a mirror.

The way she dotted her i's with a large circle, and her q's stretched onto two subsequent lines. The way she curved her l's and squiggled her m's. How she always always forgot to add her apostrophes and fullstops, and how commas were a foreign concept to her.

Every single trait of hers bounced across the paper, her sloppy penmanship drowning me in the weight of their meaning. The same handwriting that had always seemed messy and illegible now looked like a manuscript drafted by the hands of a calligrapher, hauntingly beautiful.

Blobs of ink were smudged at some point, the yellow and blue rings tainted by tears. Aiden's tears.

My pulse beat rapidly against my skin, a crushing feeling dominating my senses. Not even deep breaths could calm the tornado wrecking havoc inside my body.

With each passing second, it felt impossible to be able to read her words, to decipher the code which would crack the mysteries revolving around her death.

Why? Why did she do it? Now that I had a cheat sheet in front of me, I was scared beyond my senses. No, I was terrified of knowing whether what Aiden had said was true. I was weak, knowing that if it was, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I probably wouldn't be able to live at all.

With those fears swarming my brain, and terror reigning supreme in my heart I held the paper close to my face. The words shook along with my hands, my breath coming in rapid bursts of air.

Her voice echoed in my head, each word emphasised by her smooth voice.

As I read the letter, my world came crashing down in flames. The fire licked at my tainted soul, sweltering my burns and scars and I welcomed it with open arms. The blood of my own wounds seeped through my cracked heart, which was beyond the point of mending.

I had thought my demons were vicious, but this was something that was greater than any metaphorical beast sheltering inside my psyche.

The clash of numbness and devastation submerged me in the chaos. My biggest fear had been true, the realisation sunk into my brain, ingrained in the deep vaults of my mind. Something that would haunt and shadow over me every day that passed from here on, clinging to my soul like a dark shadow.

It was all my fault.

Hey Babes! I'm sorry for another long wait but for some weird reason I just hit a road block with this chapter or should I say... word block? Um yeah anyways. Thoughts on the chapters? Did you like it?

The next update might be a bit earlier but don't hold me to it okay? Also is it just me or does it get easier to write when you feel like a wreck? Lmao don't really know if that's valid, but it's true for me. But I'll be done with finals today so I'll be catching up on heaps of sleep and maybe get back into the writing flow.

ALSO ALSO ALSO THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR 10K Reads I can't believe we crossed this major milestone! I can't begin to express how much it means to me because every vote and read counts and I'm so grateful for every single one of you.

I want to do something special for 10K but like what should I do? Do you want a Q and A or a chapter from anyone's POV? Or both? Let me know in the comments and I'll decide, I actually have a chapter planned in Raf's POV but if you want one from someone else's let me know! And if we're doing a Q/A I'll ask for the questions in the next chapter.

This chapter is short so I apologise for that and technically there's a part after this even if it isn't a chapter, but still it's tinier than what I actually write but whatever.

How was everyone's day today? Any interesting news or a new obsession? My new addiction is looking at Thomas the Tank Engine memes at 2am.

Question: What's one cartoon from your childhood that you used to absolutely love?

I love all of you and I hope you're staying safe! Also, if anyone wants a love spam on their message board, drop an emoji here.

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