"Like fluttering leaves in the wind, their happiness was fleeting. Bursting with energy in one moment, and lost to the world in another"

❃ B l a z e ❃

Rafael's words left a fuzzy feeling in my veins as soon as they escaped his lips, paired with an unexplainable fire lighting up my heart. It was borderline insane how much power he held over both my feelings and emotions.

Fear, because I had never had someone care so much. What if he decided that I wasn't worth it? I couldn't bear to think of losing him, or all the others I'd gained in the span of these past few months if they thought I was weak for doing this to myself.

Lies were all I knew. Lying that I was alright, lying that I didn't think of ending it all in a swift moment, and lying that even though I didn't deserve it, my heart still craved love and comfort.

But right now, his words reflected nothing but the truth and for once, I believed that maybe being honest was just as comforting as lying.

The car was filled with a tense silence after that. I could practically hear the cogs turning in his brain, gears shifting as he kept on glancing at me every ten seconds.

But not once did he speak up, or ask me a question, giving me my much needed space.

My eyelids drooped, exhaustion dragging them halfway down but I refused to fall asleep. I was afraid of what I'd see if I did.

A small nudge startled me, and I looked up to see Raf observing me with studious eyes.

"Will you stay in the car while I go get the stuff?" He surreptitiously glanced at my forearms, and I shifted from his line of vision.

I nodded, and he stared at me intensely for a few moments, before doing the same. As he got out of the car, I watched him jog to the sidewalk till he disappeared around the corner, his phone pressed to his ear.

We were a few streets away from where I worked, a pharmacy adjacent to a bakery, and some odd shops here and there. People milled about their Sundays, oblivious to the way my life had crumbled to dust just a mere hour ago.

Surrounded by a hollow silence, I had no choice but to submerge myself in my thoughts. My fingers were fiddling everywhere, finding something to do to draw my own attention away from the dark tendrils threatening to wedge into my consciousness again.

Minutes dragged on as the silence thickened, my suffocation increasing with each passing second. The car felt claustrophobic, the hoodie strings restraining my respiration, and I tugged on them again and again to relieve the lump in my throat.

"Stop" I chided myself, faint memories whispering in the back of my mind. The streets reminded me of Kiara. Frankly, every little part of this town held fragments of her being, her presence like a soul that had finally sunk its claws into my degrading willpower.

Even after she was gone, I could feel her aura pulsating in every breath of the atmosphere.

Rafael was nowhere in sight, and as desperate and needy as it sounded, I wanted him to be by my side. My mental space was polluted, my lungs straining from each breath, and it was as if he was the only one who possessed the ability to heal the pain. I hated how clingy and dependent that made me.

The peace evaporated, replaced by an asphyxiating stillness that I wasn't able to handle. Through all the mental chaos, my sight honed in on the container Rafael had placed beside my seat. The container hiding all the blades.

My fingers twitched restlessly, and I fought an internal battle with myself. He wouldn't really notice if one went missing though, right?

Subconsciously my hands hovered over the hoodie sleeve, knowing the bandages beneath were a resultant of the same blade. Even if I had done this countless times before, this time it felt like a betrayal. Before, I didn't have to worry about anyone else but myself, but now he knew too. If I stole back one of my razors, I'd be hurting both myself and Rafael. But did it really matter? Did he really care that much?

I suddenly jumped out of my thoughts as a sudden gust of chilly air froze the fingertips that lingered over the top of the container.

Rafael's eyes widened in horror as he took in the scene before him, and I instantly retracted my hand, stuffing them in my pockets. His face twisted into both anger and guilt as he glared at the place where my fingers had been.

"Did you take anything from inside?" Was his first question, which was framed as a firm demand, and I shook my head like a miscreant child who had been caught red-handed.

The pun was a bit too disturbing for the current circumstances.

Despite my refusal, he checked inside, heaving out a sigh of relief as if he knew the exact contents of the box. That familiar contempt coiled around my heart, his mistrust igniting a typhoon of rage but it subsided just as quick. I was the only one at fault here.

"Fuck, I shouldn't have left this here" he murmured, as he settled further into the seat.

I dodged his gaze, instead focusing on a stare off with the pavement and the flutter of weekend activity.

"Hey Blaze?" My fingers were bunching my sweatpants, and they loosened upon the soft edge to his voice.

"I got something for you" his voice was uncharacteristically chirpy, streaked with a hint of pride, and I turned around to meet his gaze.

A large styrofoam cup was in one of his hands and a brown paper bag in the other. Steam rose from the cup and swirled in mists around his emerald eyes, which twinkled with mirth.

"It's hot chocolate. But get this, it's got biscuit crumbles and swirls of vanilla bean or something too inside. The barista was spouting some fancy shit and she said it was one of their bestsellers, so I got it for you cause its pretty chilly outside. That's why it took so long, because apparently this takes forever to make and-" he trailed off at the small smile I shot him. I couldn't resist, not when he was rambling on like this.

A light pink flush spread across the top of his cheekbones, one which was most definitely not because of the cold. I shook my head at his thoughtfulness.

"You can be the judge and tell me if it's the 'best' drink in all of Glensdale." His face radiated hope and I took the cup from his hold, static sparks shooting throughout my body when his hands lingered over mine.

The tender warmth from the drink flared up till my fingertips, the warm scent of melted chocolate and delicious cocoa gracing my nostrils.

"Wait I've got something else too" Raf suddenly piped up, and I almost spilled the drink at his enthusiasm.

"I've got three muffins in here. There's double chocolate chip, blueberry, and oatmeal and banana. The last one sounds weird to me, but I don't know what you'd like." He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, the colour on his face deepening.

"You sound like a car salesman." My playful jibe caught him off guard, but then the sound of his laughter drifted in the car. It wasn't contagious, but a small smile tugged at the corner of my lips.

His eyes pierced into mine, the smile fading, and being replaced with an intensity that made his sharpened features look ethereal. There was no denying whatever I felt for him, the safety he wrapped me in with just a gaze, but I didn't know if I was ready for the promises they held.

I broke the stare first, hiding behind my hood and pulling the warm drink to my lips.

The hot chocolate was smooth, and contrasting, coarse crumbles of biscuits instantly melting on my tongue. It warmed my mouth, creamily trickling down my throat. After a few long gulps, I looked up to see Raf's expectant gaze fixed on me.

"So how is it?" he asked excitedly.

"Like heaven"

"Suitably so, because you're an angel" he cheesily grinned, and I averted my sight, partially because of my embarrassment, and partially to avoid the stirring butterflies in my stomach.

I took the awkward silence that followed as a cue to grab the paper bag from his hand, and fished the chocolate muffin from inside. When I handed the rest of the muffins back to him, he grinned at me in amusement.

"You know you can take them all, right?" his eyes danced with playfulness and I grimaced.

"I'm not hungry"

He looked conflicted on whether to argue or not. Eventually, he pulled out yet another bag from behind his back, and I furrowed my brows as he set it in my lap. Was he a bag genie or something?

"The ointment's in there" he stared at me seriously, waiting for a reaction, and all the joviality vanished from his voice.

"You'll have to apply it two or three times a day. There are also spare bandages in there" he was still staring at me, and my body felt like it had shut down on itself again.

A pit expanded in my stomach, and even if Raf engaged me in momentary happiness, I wasn't about to brush Kiara's letter under the rug, or my near brush with self-induced death.

I was breaking but you hugged my wounds thinking I was whole. You made me bleed more.

I clamped my eyes shut to ward off the oncoming tears, and hazardous flashbacks.

My emotions were all over the place, ricocheting through my mind like stray bullets, indifferent to their own impact or damage. I intended to keep that destruction to myself.

Rafael must have noticed my sudden shift in mood again, because his lips dropped into a frown and after a beat of silence, he veered the car onto the road.

"How's the muffin?" Was Raf's poor attempt at making small talk, and I nodded once before sinking into the seat, hoping it would swallow me whole.

My thoughts were swinging like a dull pendulum in two directions- either to grasp whatever fleeting phase of happiness Raf supplied, or to wallow in my own faults and tear myself down. And like every pendulum, the oscillations dampened until the motion went still, giving rise to numbness.

I was almost numb. Almost.

After my non existent effort to engage in conversation, Rafael focused on the road and the space between us was charged with unanswered questions and curious doubts.

My mind drifted to find some semblance of better times, and I found my focus drifting to my parents. Memories littered my mind, and I stared out the window as they projected to my sight. But suddenly, a thought crossed my mind, causing my fingers to clench amongst themselves.

I hadn't visited them in over two months.

The guilt compressed my chest, and an audible gasp for air slipped past my tongue.

"What's wrong?" Raf snuck a look at me, a prominent crease between his eyebrows.

"My parents. I need to go visit them" I whispered roughly, fists bunched at my sides.

"Right now?" his voice bordered denial, and I instantly whipped my head in his direction.

"Yes, I have to." He didn't grasp the desperation in my tone, because instead of an immediate answer, I was awarded with silence.

"Do you really think that's the best idea right now?" It wasn't framed as a question, more like a statement that screamed finality. Irritation crept across my skin at his words.

"Either you can take me, or I'll call a taxi, but I'm going." I didn't bother masking the abrasiveness in my voice. Being an overall mess had to warrant some recessions.

His jaw ticked, akin to my own, as I glowered at the side of his face. He didn't seem to be affected by my death glares, which infuriated me further. What was going on with me?

"Stop the car" I said as bluntly as I could muster, which caused Rafael to conveniently become deaf.

"Stop the car." Again, silence.

"Just stop the fucking car" Yelling at the top of my lungs proved to be effective, as he skidded to a halt near the side of the road.

"What the hell Blaze" his voice lacked any bite, more surprised than furious.

I didn't wait around to find out his reaction, as I slammed the door shut and exited the car.

I was greeted by frosty air nipping at the tip of my nose and the imminent promise of a wintry climate. We were a five minute walk away from the Marshalls' house, and probably a forty five minute walk from the cemetery where my parents were buried.

My stupidity soon came crashing upon me as I realised that I had forgotten my phone at home. How the hell was I supposed to call a taxi now?

No, it's okay, I could walk.

The sound of footsteps tracing my own alerted my senses, and I turned to see a scowling Rafael charging towards my direction.

"I'll take you, just get in the car" he murmured once he was at a close distance, and I instantly shook my head, more out of rebellion than refusal.

"No, I'm walking"

"You'll catch a cold, now come on" his voice edged towards strictness, and I glared at him through my hood.

"I don't care, you're being really annoying right now." The truth was, I was acting like a complete brat but I couldn't discern my own feelings, much alone his.

"Blaze, I'm serious. We're not arguing, so let's go" his voice was a mere whisper, urging me to go back.

"No" it was almost a scream, which caused a few heads to turn our way.

Suddenly, I felt highly uncomfortable and embarrassed by my behaviour. What the hell was I even doing- throwing a temper tantrum like a problematic child?

When some pedestrians' gazes lingered on us, I squirmed and reluctantly grabbed Raf's outstretched hand. His heat seeped through my bones, warming my blood and gently relaxing the tension from my body.

His fingers enveloped mine, the gaps perfectly aligning and as cliche as it sounded, it was comforting.

"I'm sorry for acting like this today" I muttered lowly, and Raf's grip solidified on my hand.

"No, I get it. I'm trying to figure out a way to help you and probably acting like a jerk in the process" I shook my head at his words. Honestly, he was acting like the farthest thing from a jerk right now.

We didn't speak after that. Once we were seated, his fingers clasped around the wheel and not around my own. I silently tried to squash the weird churning in my stomach.

The tension was thick, and I could see he wanted to ask questions. But the only query he had was about the location of the cemetery, which I gladly handed out. It would still be a thirty minute drive, and that was equivalent to almost two hours with the unrest surrounding us.

Halfway in, it seemed like his resolve cracked, because his lips settled into a grim line, as he glanced at me from the corner of his eye.

"What did he do?" Raf's words were laced with pure wrath and loathing, and even if he didn't mention the person, I knew who he was talking about. I cursed myself for letting Aiden's name slip from my mouth, knowing that Rafael wouldn't back down without an answer that he wanted to hear.

When I didn't reply, he exhaled sharply while pulling the car to the side of the road. He stared at me intensely, until I was fidgeting under his ardent gaze.

"It was just a fight" I murmured after a long pause, his jaw ticking in accordance with my rapid breaths. There was no way I was telling him about the letter, it would mean unravelling the knotted network of lies that I had carefully woven.

"Did he do something to hurt you?" his voice was dripping with acid, which corroded my skin.

"Words are like knives, aren't they?" I tucked my shivering hands inside my hoodie, and I knew that the chill was because of the coldness twisting around my heart, and not the frigid air lightly fogging the windows.

"He's a fucking prick" I didn't miss the way his fingers clenched around the steering wheel, as if it wringing someone's neck, and the image was gruesome in my mind. His face darkened with barely contained rage, the murderous glint in his eyes much similar to the one I had seen in the Cafeteria, before he had sent Aiden to the hospital.

Instinctively, I slumped further back into my seat, aware of Raf's eyes momentarily flickering to me, before his temper simmered down. It was replaced with a softness that looked out of place on the sharp planes of his face.

"Why do you hide so much?" his voice was barely above a whisper, a tone that spoke of the nightmares dwelling somewhere in our minds. It was peculiar how similar we were, but were still strangers in most senses of the word.

"I could say the same for you" his eyes enlarged when I retorted, but then he nodded vigorously.

"You're right. Well, I guess that ends now" There was a smoky lilt to his voice, and I couldn't help but wonder how I had spent the last year living oblivious to his presence, when right now I could name even the smallest attributes that made him... Rafael.

"Ask me anything, whatever the hell you want, and I promise I'll answer. You don't have to do the same, just take your own time" a rueful smile tugged the corner of his pink lips.

My surprise got the better of me, and the flame from before now rumbled beneath my knuckles, dragging away the numbness and replacing it with something much more snug.

A million questions presented themselves at the forefront of my mind.

Why did he take drugs?

Why was he hiding it from Bree?

Why did he never talk about his family?

What was the reason for all the pain basking beneath the emerald shield of his eyes?

But all those questions seemed too personal, too heavy to be asked within the confines of a locked car.

Besides, I didn't know if I had it in me to comfort him if his answers triggered a past memory, much like my own. If he was really adamant on crossing the distance and laying our secrets on the table, we would deal with a similar situation in the future. One where maybe I could finally gather the courage to start plucking the dark weeds sprouting in mind, and show him a past where lies didn't shadow every memory.

So, I settled on the question that had been flitting across my mind for a long time, one which I supposedly had a right to ask.

"That day in the Cafeteria, what did Aiden say? Why do you hate him so much?"

Technically, I was aware that they were two questions, but he didn't seem to notice as his eyes shone in both surprise, and a tinge of relief. Guess he wasn't as ready for this as he posed to be.

"I despise him, because he's an asshole who thinks he's better than everyone, that he uses words as weapons, and because he hurt you" his eyes darted to mine meaningfully. "I don't need a specific reason to hate him, he's just that sort of a person".

"That day in the cafeteria" he sighed, pausing as he rubbed a hand over his forehead, his eyes closing shut.

"Blaze, he said shit about me and my mother. Basically stuff about my life before I moved here." The way he said 'mother', it was as if the word scalded his tongue, and left a poisonous aftertaste.

"She never treated us right, we were just unwanted pests to her, and I realised early on that it was because of me. My mother's a... fuckup, to put it lightly, and I guess I am too. But hearing him say those words just flipped a switch."

The images trickled through my brain, the way his fists pounded into Aiden's face with unrelenting fury, spewing blood and the sadistic smirk that followed, when he saw the product of his rage.

I wanted to ask more, to comfort him in the way he had done to me. However, I knew nothing about horrible mothers, and I didn't want to envelope him in false hope or lie about things that I had no clue about. So I listened, because it seemed like that was what he needed in that moment.

"Facing the truth is harder than I thought, especially when it's supplied by a complete bastard" he laughed bitterly, the hollow sound devoid of all emotions except hatred, at himself. My heart ached, well versed with the exact feeling.

The stillness that followed after was filled with an emotional intimacy that stripped all of his guarded layers, and revealed a lost boy just searching for a beacon of light.

But to someone who had felt and embraced the darkness, every shadow seemed like a monster lurking from afar, just waiting for a moment to strike. And there were only two ways to conquer it- unleash it on others, or to keep it inside yourself until it corrupted your soul.

Aiden chose the selfish path, ending up with rotten hatred, and Rafael and I chose the selfless one. But there wasn't really selflessness in surrendering to the darkness dwelling internally.

Our lives weren't two sides of a coin, they were the same. And similars only caused repulsion and havoc. A destructive conundrum.

"You're not a fuckup" I spoke hoarsely, my tongue refusing to cooperate with the words.

"Everyone's fucked up on different levels. I'm just accepting the fact that mine is the final tier" his humourless reply resonated with me, the difference being that I lied about being okay. He did too, but at moments like these, he confessed, whereas I didn't.

I didn't have any formulated answers, so we sat in a silence that was much more comfortable than the one before. Rafael had handed me a piece of his past and his soul, and I wanted to safeguard it, because honestly, opening up was terrifying knowing that it could backfire any day.

He sighed, shooting me a genuine smile before he started driving again.

The rest of the journey was calm, and I knew we were both sorting through our chaotic thoughts. But as we neared the cemetery, nervousness along with reminiscent pain flared beneath my skin.

I closed my eyes, I had already memorised the walk to the graveyard that I had visited a thousand times, albeit less frequently in the last year. A fifty minute walk wasn't completely advisable when your body was stained with black and blue bruises.

"We're here" Rafael's voice cut through my moment of silence, and I took a deep breath before glancing at the barren land protected by metallic fencing.

It was probably just a play of my mind, but I could swear it had become more gloomy and treacherous than the last time I was here, about four months ago.

Rafael's gaze was fixated on me, and a flicker of emotion darted across his face, before it was masked by a stoic expression, so swift that I had to wonder if I had imagined it.

I could see in his eyes that he still didn't think it was a good idea.

"Stay here" I turned to him, and he looked like he wanted to protest, but didn't at the stubborn glint in my eye.

"I'll be right here" he looked at me pointedly, and I nodded.

I inched towards the entrance, my eyes flitting to some solitary shadows like me, visiting their deceased loved ones.

The wrought iron gates stood tall and foreboding, cold under my touch as I pushed them open. As soon as I set foot in the cemetery, my heart plummeted, and tears instantly pricked my eyes at the rows of headstones littered like stony shields protecting the defenceless dead. It all felt very twisted in my mind.

Leaves crunched under my feet, and the fragrance of dewy grass permeated the air around me. I followed the trail to my family plot, each step feeling like one towards an inevitable breakdown. The chirping of birds somehow calmed the sombre atmosphere, a tiny fleck of peace in a place that represented death and decay.

My fists clenched and unclenched, a heat spreading across my forehead at the approaching two headstones. The guilt and pain gnawed at my heart, only intensifying as my feet dragged across the damp soil.

And there, in the mid-morning sunlight, stood my parents tombstones. The light casted the slabs in an ethereal glow, deserving as the angels they were.

Angels who had fallen.

"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad" A wobbly smile split my lips, tears already hazing my vision.

However, despite the water, I could still see their beautiful headstones, every edge memorised like a scripture in my head. Their names were sprawled in elegant script across the ebonite marble, invoking buried memories from the depths of my mind.

Viviane Davis.

Clayton Davis.

They weren't high school sweethearts, or the town's star couple. They were just two people who met on a choice encounter at the local hardware store, of all places. I had heard the story enough times, albeit differently from both of them, to recall it even in my sleep.

Dad had claimed Mum had been fawning for him since the first day, while Mum had jokingly argued that Dad had been a stalker ever since they met. Nine year old me had thought it was amusing to see them fight playfully about the most mundane of topics.

"I miss you. I'm sorry for that night" My apology meant nothing, but hopefully reciting it enough times would assuage the stormy remorse inside me.

We're coming right home, baby.

I just wished I had known they would find the afterlife as their home.

The tremors rocked through my body, and in the faint distance I could see other visitors like me. However the only difference was that my mourning period had long expired, but the grief never seemed to fade.

How could it, when one measly phone call had led to the death of the two most important people in my life?

The blank silence I had heard on the other side of the call now enveloped me, nothing but an eerie pulse vibrating against my skull.

Don't cry, Blaze. We'll be right there.

A bouquet was placed in their vase, another laying near their grave, and I wondered if Aunt Mary and Andrea had visited.

The newly found shame rocketed through me. Their only daughter couldn't find time to visit them. I had been too wound up in my own temporary happiness, that I forgot all about the chaos I had left behind.

"I'm so sorry" the tears wetted the ebony marble, sliding off the shiny surface, and dissolving into the earthy soil.

Flowers twirled around the graves, decorating their still grave in a floral garland. It gave me solace, to know that nature adored their beauty even if my eyes couldn't anymore.

Short bushes of geraniums and sedum adorned the area around their tombstones, aiming to brighten up what otherwise would have been a perennial shadow of sorrow. Geraniums were Dad's favourite flowers, their petals the same shade of pink that Mum adored. Their perfect harmony lived on even after their death.

In the polished marble of their headstones, I saw my distorted reflection through misty eyes, a guilty daughter and the harbinger of death.

I ran my fingers over the smooth stone, tracing their epitaphs. Half of the poem on Mum's headstone, and the other on Dad's. Despite everything, Aunt Mary had perfectly ensured that every piece of their memory lived on in beauty.

Beneath my mother's name, the artistic words were etched as an octave. I had never been one for poetry, but I knew these were the verses I would never be able to forget.

for your tears water their meadows in the afterlife

and your love nurtures their departed essence

blossoming nectar from one life to another

showering heaven's light upon their blessed bodies

And the other half, etched onto Dad's headstone like the missing half of a divine prophecy.

fear not, the cosmos mourn their loss

the mighty gails pray for their peace

and the earthen crust protects their soul

the traveling wanderers, seeking eternity and beyond

No matter how many times I had read it, my eyes still filled with tears. Their death wasn't painted as grievious and destructive, rather a beautiful masterpiece, appealing to the eye of every onlooker.

However, I was the artist.

That very thought encapsulated me in a black mist, suffocating me from the inside. The soil seemed to shake beneath me, and I couldn't help the silent sobs wracking my body.

The weight of the world rested upon my shoulders, cracking every bone under their burden and those very fractures travelled across the surface of my skin and appeared as bloody scars.

Dirt crawled under my fingernails as I grasped the soil for stability. The wounds seemed too raw and fresh. Even after seven years, I couldn't move on because my closure had been lost, along with the smoke of their souls.

Their ghosts seemed to live on through the howls of the winds and the grass blades tickling my skin, comforting me, even when they weren't here physically. The tinkering of their laughter masked as whispers of nature, and their smiles disguised as rays of sunlight.

And even after everything, their memory lived on in grace, and I couldn't help but admire how every beautiful thing seemed to tie back to my their essence.

The sound of footsteps planting against the grass drifted across my consciousness, and even through my haze, I knew who it was. The person who seemed to arrive at the perfect minute, yet still fleeting moments after every mental spiral.

"I'm here" Rafael's voice wrapped around my senses, and when he crouched down to my level, I didn't waste time wrapping my arms around his torso. He seemed stunned at first, but then reciprocated the embrace.

No words were exchanged, this was a different type of grief, one that couldn't be pacified with sentences, and he seemed to understand that. The only sound was that of my sobs muffled by his clothes, and the static sound of silence inside my head.

"I miss them so much" my words were fuzzy against the soft threads of his jumper, but he just tightened his hold around my waist. In that moment, I trampled upon the fear that was escalating inside me, because it was nothing in comparison to the heart wrenching ache for support. I would take it anywhere I could find it, and right now it seemed to be a person.

"I know" his fingers stroked my hair and I burrowed my face further into his chest, his fragrance sedating the monsters reviving themselves in my head.

I could vaguely sense eyes on us, but they were only brief. Breakdowns were normal in a place that was built on the ashes of decaying skeletons.

Time passed silently, my breathing calming down and my tears retracting gradually. The rise and fall of his chest calmed my rapid heartbeat.

Languidly, I loosened my death hold on his torso and taking the cue, he gently unwrapped his arms from my stomach. A wry smile devoid of pity and sympathy greeted me as he pulled back, his fingertips brushing against my cheek. The feathery touch was welcomed in that moment, a solace from the hellfire of my burden.

It was then that I noticed a bouquet on the ground beside me, and following my sight, he handed it to me.

"I got it for you since we forgot to get flowers on the way" his words lingered in the ghostly air, and gratitude flooded my heart. I hadn't even thought about it.

The bouquet was a blooming arrangement of blush pink roses and peonies, interspersed with white calla lillies, and it seemed right in place with their burial sites.

His fingers interlaced with mine as I placed the flowers between their adjacent tombstones. Raf's gaze was darting across the engravings on the marble slabs, and his eyes flickered with the same emotion I had seen on the steps of the cemetery, akin to deep seated grief of his own.

For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. My tears had dried up, but internally I was still shattered and crying like the confused, newly orphaned nine year old, who was dragged to her parents early funerals.

As if sensing my thoughts, Raf squeezed our interlaced fingers and a jolt of comfort shot up my veins. I took a deep breath, and leaned my head against his shoulder.

The thought of visiting Kiara's grave crossed my mind, especially when we had come this far, but I instantly shut down that thought with a stab of remorse. The letter was still fresh in my mind, a wound that hadn't yet scabbed, and I didn't want to peel it away so soon.

Taking another deep breath that burnt my chest, I tugged on Rafael's hand and he seemed to get my signal as he pulled me towards the entrance of the cemetery. However, I guided us to my parent's memorial bench instead, his confusion painted across his face.

The knot in my stomach loosened every step I took away from our family plot, but the latent remorse still nipped at my soul.

Rafael didn't ask any questions as I sat down, just his presence capable of soothing my frantic anxiety.

Minutes passed in complete solitude, and I sensed that Rafael was about to say something. However I stopped him, and instead tugged at his hand again. The guilt was eating me up inside, and I was desperate to tell someone, the first person after Kiara.

So I opened my mouth, fully aware of what I was about to say, comfortable with spilling one of the most closely guarded secrets I held close to my heart, or what was left of it.

His vale eyes glimmered and in them, I found the courage to speak, the strength to plow on, and I did just that.

"My parents- they died because of me"

hi peeps! how are y'all doing? i highkey revamped the cover and banners and stuff because i was bored. that doesn't mean i changed everything from before, simply because i was too lazy to. plus, i updated earlier than my random month long breaks, so i'm proud of myself lmao. there's a visual aid for the cemetery above which i used for inspiration so if you want pictures like that, lmk!

i wrote the second half of this chapter like an hour ago, so it's not edited so please excuse that. thoughts on this chapter?

the next chapter is almost done, but i don't really like it as much as i would want to. i might have to rewrite it. this chapter was all fluff, and in the next chapter... well you must've have got a clue from the ending, so there will be an explanation for that ahhh.

how was everyone's day today? we made it through a month of 2021, give yourselves a pat on the back. lmao this was something my primary school teacher used to do.

also omg please go stream slide by chase atlantic people, it's three minutes and forty five seconds of utter perfection. my husbands came through so y'all better hype them up for a cookie.

question: what are your thoughts on tattoos? and if you like them, what do you want inked on your skin?

stay safe and stream slide and keep on slaying! i love you guys!!

love
a ❤️