• t h i r t y e i g h t •
"Roses bloomed from the crevices of her bloody wrists, thorns drawing crimson fluid. He looked at her and said, 'red is my favourite colour'"
❃ B l a z e ❃
Daylight grated against my eyes, sleep abruptly expelling from my body. My head pounded when I jerked up, the nightmare still ripping at the edge of my vision.
I looked at the time and saw that I had missed school. Why had no one woken me up? Just the thought of staying here more than necessary sent a wave of panic through my body.
A tingling sensation spread on my wrists, and I looked down to see that the bandages had come loose in my sleep and were now speckled with blood. Shit.
I felt bile rising up my throat suddenly, and I stumbled out of bed.
With rugged steps, I staggered over the entire mess on my bedroom floor, almost tripping over all the clothes that were strewn haphazardly everywhere. Locking the bathroom door behind me, I slumped against it for a moment.
My feet wobbled when I made my way to the toilet, barely missing the seat as all the contents of my stomach emptied into the bowl. The acerbic aftertaste clung to my tastebuds, and I dry heaved for a few minutes after to get rid of it.
The entire bathroom became a humid chamber, and I struggled to get up to the sink. Rinsing my mouth, I felt several sharp pangs near my forehead, indicative of an oncoming headache.
Fucking great, just what I needed.
My hair stuck to my forehead in a tangled, clammy mess and when I pushed it away, I winced at the sight. Dark rings encircled the bottom of my eyes, jarring against the pallid skin that was slick with sweat.
I opened my braid and pushed all my hair up into a bun, brushing my teeth afterwards. As I was stripping off my clothes to take a shower, I once again noticed the blood dotting my forearms when I took off the bandages. The cuts weren't as red as they were yesterday, but they were far from healing. Once the water was mildly warm, I stepped inside.
My entire shower felt like a daze, consumed by exhaustion and my only focus was avoiding getting water on my cuts. I remembered all the blood on the floor yesterday and instantly felt a pang of regret.
By the time I dried off and bandaged myself again, I was sleepy and I changed back into joggers and a tee. The entire house was weirdly quiet when I peeked into the hallway, and I sighed before snuggling back into bed.
I glanced at my phone, remembering the long phone conversation with Rafael yesterday. Involuntarily, I had the urge to call him but then the time indicated it would've been the first period for him.
Instead, I sent him a text saying I missed school because I was slept in. It felt unnecessary, but I thought I should let him know.
I wondered if the sounds of soft crying I heard downstairs from my open window were my imagination or not as I finally fell asleep again.
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Hands gently shook my shoulders, and I jerked awake only to meet Andrea's face.
"Good morning," she smiled, and I didn't miss the red rings around her hazel irises. Was that her crying downstairs?
"Your friends are here to see you." She was now smiling widely, barely hiding the excitement on her face.
Before I could ask her who was there, two heads peeked out from the edge of my door- Travis' grinning face and Annikah's smirking one.
"Can we come in? We brought food." Bree's face joined the two and they all looked like disjointed bobbleheads.
Andrea was looking at me expectantly, and I nodded.
"Did you all skip school?" she looked back at the three, and Travis smiled uncomfortably.
"Yes Ma'am, only the last three classes. But it was for a good cause," he nodded as if he was quite proud of himself.
Andrea looked like she wanted to say something else, but she shook her head.
"Don't eat in here, call them to the kitchen, and can I talk to you downstairs in a few minutes?" Andrea whispered so no one heard, and I nodded.
Her smile didn't seem genuine, more like a ruse and I drew my eyebrows together. I didn't get time to dwell on it or ask her because she left my room without another word.
"Good morning nugget," Travis beamed at me, and I frowned at his enthusiasm.
"Nugget? Give her a better nickname you muppet." Annikah pushed him aside and smiled at me.
"Chicken nuggets are my favourite, so that's the best nickname I'm capable of giv- Ow, what the fuck did you elbow me for?" A loud grunt echoed across the room.
"Anyways it's 12:30, we're into the afternoon." Bree was now standing between them both, and Travis was glaring at her. She was just silently observing me.
They were all cautiously avoiding the entire mess on my bedroom floor, shoving clothes aside as they stepped inside. The remaining two people stood quietly behind Bree, and my room now looked like a playground for oversized teenagers, except Ann.
Rafael was staring at me like Bree, but there was something different in his gaze that unnerved me. However what surprised me the most was the raven-haired boy who was awkwardly shuffling on his feet, avoiding looking at all the objects in my room because he knew who had bought most of them.
"Hi, Jonah." My focus was fixated on him as he looked the most uncomfortable to be here, twitching restlessly as he failed to meet my eyes.
He finally managed a second's worth of glance and nodded, a blank smile stuck on his lips.
"Good Morning," Rafael cleared his throat, glancing between Jonah and me, and I felt a lump form in my throat.
"Morning." My voice sounded raspy and I cleared my throat awkwardly.
This caused a small smile to cross Rafael's lips and I looked away, breaking our staring contest.
Travis whistled loudly, glancing around the room. "You can cut the tension with a knife in here."
When everyone turned to him, he shrugged his shoulders. "What? It's a song."
"Cause I know what will happen if we get through this," Annikah hummed and then flashed everyone a sheepish smile when there was deadbeat silence.
"Anyways, we brought food," Bree repeated, holding up two paper bags, and Travis simultaneously showed me the other two in his hands.
"Sub sandwiches and burgers, to be exact," Annikah added.
"And chicken nuggets," Travis added.
"You guys sound like The Three Stooges," Rafael rolled his eyes.
"At least we're funny," Annikah retorted and then Travis and her fist-bumped.
I still felt sleepy, it was way too early for this.
"Are you sick?" Jonah interrupted worriedly.
"Um..." I turned to Rafael, who was still observing me silently under his emerald gaze. "Yeah, I guess."
Jonah looked up, and for a moment I thought he would say something. However, his gaze shifted to somewhere beside me and he froze.
He was staring at the photo-frame of the two of us and Kiara, and my heart hurt when a thin line of tears gathered at his waterline.
I instantly shot my hand out from underneath the blanket and pushed the photo-frame down. I thought that would help, but now something else had become the focal object of everyone's vision.
More specifically, the bandages on my hand.
"Really Blaze?" Jonah's voice was barely above a whisper, but he was finally looking directly at me. Swirls of hurt and hidden accusation were gleaming in his steel grey irises, and I looked away, the guilt racking up inside me.
When I looked at Rafael, he was darting his gaze between Jonah and me, probably trying to figure out why Jonah looked like he had been shot in the chest.
"I need a glass of water," he muttered before exiting the room. I didn't even want to know what he was thinking of me right now.
Travis and Annikah both looked shocked, but what surprised me more was the pain in their eyes. Bree shot me a small smile, and Travis was now staring at her, a silent message passing between the two of them.
"I'm sorry." I didn't even know who or what I was apologising for because this was my problem. But I felt like I had disappointed the people I cared about. I wasn't used to holding up expectations.
The next thing I felt were arms wrapping around me, and then my face was squished against Travis' chest. Brown curls curtained around my eyes and my breathing was almost restricted when two other pairs of arms wrapped around my torso.
"Group Hug," Travis yelled into my ear, and I flinched at the volume of his voice.
"Sorry nugget," he muttered into the same ear.
Annikah smelt of lavender and Bree and Travis smelt practically the same- zesty tangerines. When the fragrance of cinnamon invaded my nostrils and familiar warm arms wrapped around my abdomen, I knew Rafael was here too.
For a moment, there was complete silence as I felt the comfort of their embrace, and I didn't even realise I was crying. Travis' tee was wet with my tears and when I tried to draw back, he crushed me to his chest to the point where I could hear his heartbeat thumping against my ears.
"We're sorry Blaze," Annikah's voice hummed against my back.
"It's not your fault." My voice was muffled, but I knew she heard it because her arms tightened around my stomach.
No one said anything, relishing in what was our first group hug, and slowly the guilt was replaced by comfort.
"Dripping tears on my shirt," Travis was now singing softly, and there was a groan somewhere near my hair.
"You just had to fucking ruin the moment, didn't you?" It was Rafael's voice, laced with annoyance.
"It's Joji dude, it's called elevating the moment." Travis had now loosened his hold, and I gratefully moved away.
Slowly, everyone untangled their arms, Rafael muttering curses under his breath. I smiled to myself when he rubbed his arm at the spot where Travis had sneakily pinched him.
"It was Rafael's idea to come here," Travis slyly smirked, nudging Rafael who retaliated with an elbow to the stomach. My sight lingered on Rafael for longer than a moment.
"He's the one who invited Jonah too," Annikah piped up, and a small flush spread across Raf's face.
"He's our friend as well," he muttered under his breath, and I couldn't help but stare at him.
His sage eyes were fixated on the wall behind me, his hands shoved into his pockets. I traced his features with my eyes, the sharp jawline contrasting with the soft strands of his hair, the way a dimple popped on his right cheek when he grinned deeply or frowned fiercely. How was he even real?
A throat clearing jolted me out of my embarrassing appreciative stare, and Annikah was looking at me slyly.
"I'll go check on Jonah," I muttered, grabbing a hoodie from the mess on the floor and pulling it over my head. At least I wasn't wearing ladybug pyjamas.
"You guys can, uh, sit anywhere really." I was humiliated by the condition of my room, but it was better than enduring an awkward silence downstairs with Andrea.
Rafael seemed to understand the reason behind the clutter because he grabbed my upper arm and led me to the furthest corner from everyone else. Conveniently, at the same time, the other three found my desk chair quite interesting and were now analyzing it for 'possible life-endangering cracks'.
"Are you okay?" He was scanning every inch of my face looking for any tells, but he didn't need to because I was past lying, at least with him.
"I don't know," I gently unclasped his fingers from my upper arm. His question triggered Aiden's words in my head, and I hated it because I didn't want to, but I believed them.
You should feel disgusted every time you look in the mirror, realise that you'll never be innocent or whole.
I did.
"Blaze, what happened?" He could tell that something had changed since yesterday afternoon, but I couldn't meet his gaze.
"Everything's just falling apart, and I feel like all I can do is watch," I tried to play it off, but when I looked at him, all my carefully crafted defences crumbled.
"I just want things to be normal, I guess." My shoulders were shaking by now, but when Rafael made a move forward, I stepped to the side.
Hurt flashed across his eyes, and then he stuffed his hands back into his pockets.
"We'll get through this, Blaze. We're going to help you okay? All of us," he glanced behind my shoulder at Trav, Ann and Bree who all instantly looked away when I turned their way.
"This chair is safe to use," Travis declared awkwardly, and then took a seat on it.
"Ladies?" He held his arms out for Ann and Bree, but Rafael shot him a poisonous glare.
"Lady?" He cleared his throat and turned to Ann.
Bree was now glowering at Rafael, and the two were engaged in a silent, deadly stand-off. Eventually, Rafael turned away, his jaw ticking furiously.
"I already have a girlfriend, thank you. Unlike you," Ann joked, but I could tell the last part was included for Rafael's sake.
Ann and Bree took a spot on the bed, and when I turned back around, Rafael was staring at me again.
"Can you stop that?" I chose to stare at his sculpted jawline.
"What?" For the first time since Rafael had got here, he sounded amused.
"Looking at me, like that." I gestured with my hands, and his fingers clasped around my arms. I didn't step away, but I didn't move either.
"You don't know how bad-" He cut himself off, shaking his head.
Raf's fingers dropped from my arms, and I took a few steps away from him. He didn't say a word as I stepped out of the room and shut the door behind me, my mind racing with his touch.
However, I halted when I spotted a lone figure near the far end of the hallway, a place where no one had visited for over a year.
"Jonah?" I called out to him, and he suddenly jumped at my voice. He looked dishevelled, his fingers constantly clenching and unclenching around the doorknob to Kiara's room.
"I miss her." His voice was shaky, and when I stood beside him, I noticed the unshed tears near his lids.
"I do too." I remembered the letter, and then clenched my fists. I didn't even deserve to say those words.
"I fucking miss her," he wiped his eyes and my heart ached when he still didn't release his hold on the door. He wouldn't go in, but he was teetering on the edge, and in his eyes, I knew he was looking for closure.
"It'll be the same as when she left it, no one's been in there ever since," I whispered, wondering if that would comfort him. Maybe if he went inside, at least one of us could move on to the next chapter.
But he didn't.
"I can't do it." He shook his head and retracted his hand.
"You can't do the same thing as her." He was looking at my covered wrists and I winced at the hurt in his voice.
"I won't." I didn't make a promise which I was unsure of keeping. I would try, I really would, but promising something empty wasn't worth it.
"No, I didn't do anything with Kiara. I won't make that mistake with you. You need to talk to someone." Ash-coloured irises held my gaze, and I understood the reasoning behind his words. I would do the same if I was in his position, but he didn't know about the letter or about Aiden.
"Jonah-" He cut me off with a shake of his head.
"I don't know what I can do to help you." He looked broken as he glanced back at the door, and I knew that he wasn't saying this only to me.
"I'll figure it out," I shrugged my shoulders. It sounded like I was talking about homework and not my suicidal tendencies.
"I can't lose someone else, Blaze."
Anguish rippled through my entire chest, and I clenched my fists, my wrists stinging from the effort. The pain grounded me.
"You won't," I tried to sound as convincing as I could, but my voice quivered and Jonah caught on to it.
"Blaze, what happened?" His voice sounded hesitant, his breaths laboured.
"I can't promise you anything. Kiara promised that she wouldn't leave and she did." I dodged his question. Once again, I clenched both my fists harder, sparks of pain shooting through my arms at the movement.
Jonah didn't say a word, his eyes clamped shut and a lone tear trekked down the side of his face. He made no move to wipe it as it dripped down his neck, and I felt myself on the verge of giving in to distorted memories of her.
No, I won't go there now. I couldn't.
"We're going to be fine." I didn't smile, but as Jonah opened his eyes, a flicker of hope sparked in his eyes before it extinguished instantly.
"We were just kids, B. We shouldn't have had to experience that."
I didn't have an answer to that, because he was right.
I felt anger and resentment projected towards Kiara. She brought all this upon us, she ruined us. But it died down just as quickly when I remembered her letter. I had led her to that point.
"The others are in my room, I'll be back. I need to talk to Andrea." I couldn't face him, so I didn't wait for an answer as I trudged downstairs.
Andrea was sitting in the living room, staring blankly at the TV screen. She didn't even notice my presence until I lightly touched her arm.
"Andrea, what's wrong?" I frowned when I saw her glossed eyes.
"Oh, nothing," she waved her hand dismissively.
Before I could say ask her again, she smiled sadly. "I'm sorry about last night."
"It wasn't your fault, it was Aiden's." She winced when I mentioned him, and I could see the pain in her eyes which she masked with another smile.
"Blaze, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." I froze at her words, wondering what she meant.
"We're taking him to therapy from today." Her smile wobbled, tears welling up in her eyes. I saw guilt in them, akin to my own.
"He needs help which we can't give. We can't make the same mistake as we did with Kiara." It was the first time she was openly addressing this, and I winced as her voice cracked.
"I need to be a better mother, we need to be better parents." I shook my head at Andrea's words, tears falling freely from her eyes at this point.
"No, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know." I wished I could direct my words at myself, but I didn't believe them, not in the slightest. Guilt like that was hard to shake.
"I was her mother, Blaze. It was my job to protect her."
"You can't control someone's thoughts, Andrea."
She looked away, wiping her tears with the back of her hand, and when she turned back, her momentary lapse of vulnerability was long gone. I sometimes wondered how Kiara was able to hide her struggle for so long, and I realised she must have inherited it from Andrea.
"We think you should see a therapist too." Her tone was warm but steely resolution peeked through. It sounded more like a statement than a suggestion, but I knew she wouldn't force me.
She didn't allow me to speak, cutting me off with a raised hand. "I know I can't shove you into therapy, but we saw you last night. You're still having panic attacks and nightmares and you haven't taken your medicine in over nine months."
The surprise must have shown on my face because she continued. "You haven't filled out your prescription, I checked with Dr. Lincoln and the pharmacy."
"I've talked to your Aunt about this, and she understands. She'll be keeping an eye on you when you move out."
"I think it's better if you move out within the next few days." I winced at the finality in her statement. I was the one who wanted to move out, and I still did, but I was slightly hurt that it sounded like she was kicking me out.
She must've understood my thoughts because she shook her head. "You shouldn't be in the same house as Aiden right now. I know what I saw last night, Blaze. He was yelling at you, that's not right. I apologise on his behalf." Her voice wavered a bit, and I already knew what she was going to ask next.
"What did he say to you last night?" Andrea whispered, and I hesitated. I wanted to tell someone, and I didn't think before answering.
"He said I was responsible for Kiara's death." I avoided her gaze, fiddling with the hem of my hoodie.
"What? Blaze no, it's not your fault. No, he's wrong." She suddenly pulled me into a hug, running her hand through my hair and I wanted to cry, I really did because this was the closest I'd get to motherly comfort, but I felt numb.
Repeating something so many times sometimes lost it's meaning, it just became factual after a point.
"Please don't listen to him. We're going to get him help," she whispered into my hair, and I wanted to tell her about how he was too far gone. I just didn't have the courage or strength.
But this was a start, right?
I suddenly jerked away from Andrea's hold when I looked behind her.
The person in question stormed into the room, his eyes were bloodshot and his face was livid. I didn't realise he was home too, and instinctive fear bubbled inside me.
Hurt and betrayal, along with a tinge of regret flashed across his face, but he didn't say a word. He turned on his heel and went into the kitchen. There was a long stretch of silence, and he was back a second later, keys in hand.
Aiden didn't say a word, rather he shot me a chilling glare that reminded me of his words last night, the hatred in his eyes unfathomable. He was conveying that he still meant whatever he had said, even if his mother strongly denied it.
It was as if he had severed all his ties to his emotions, and I turned away. It wasn't the first time I was the object of his revulsion.
"Aiden, why would you say that to her?" Andrea was now yelling as she stood up, but her words fell on deaf ears. Aiden was still glowering at me, I could feel it on the side of my face as Andrea threatened about calling Mark, her voice more enraged than I had ever heard.
The sound of his footsteps storming away and the subsequent slamming of the front door indicated he hadn't listened. I looked at Andrea who looked frustrated and on the verge of breaking down.
I felt helpless in the situation. If I had known how to handle him, I wouldn't have experienced any of the scarring memories he left me with.
She was talking to Mark on the phone, so I slipped away. I shot her a small smile as I dodged her worried gaze on the side of my head when I approached the steps and went upstairs without a word.
The sight when I opened the door to my room surprised me, and I felt a small smile spread across my lips.
All five of my friends were simultaneously folding clothes. Rafael was rolling his eyes at something Bree had said. Ann was sitting cross-legged on my bed, looking confused as she held up one of my shirts and was trying to shove the sleeve into the neck hole. Jonah was practically the best out of all of them, and the most silent while Travis was imitating the mating call of a walrus.
Turns out he was beatboxing, while at least trying to.
I also felt guilty, because they were cleaning up my mess.
"Guys, stop it." I stepped into the room, grabbing all the clothes from their hands.
"I'll do it later, you aren't here to fold my clothes." I glared at Rafael when he didn't let go of one of my tie-dye jumpers.
"We're here to help," He retorted.
"You're not my helpers," I sighed but he still didn't let go.
"I volunteer to be an Oompa-Loompa, but only if you promise me you'll give me an endless supply of chocolate. Or I could also be an elf, but you'll have to be Santa and give me a yacht on Christmas," Travis piped up, and Bree smacked him across the back of his head.
"Would you stop being so kinky?" Travis murmured under his breath.
He was lucky that I was the only one who heard it since I was next to him because if Rafael had heard, I'd have one more grave to visit.
"Blaze, will you just let go? We're doing this together," Rafael stared me down.
"I intend to steal that, so if it rips, I'll pulverise you," Annikah pointed a threatening finger towards Rafael, who instantly let go and raised his hands mockingly.
"With what? Your fun-sized hands? You're literally a foot shorter than me." Rafael crossed his arms over his chest and raised a teasing eyebrow.
"Shouldn't have said that," Travis shook his head and made a cross over his heart.
The next thing I know, Rafael was face-level with Annikah, her hands on his collar. I couldn't hold back the laughs that spilt from my mouth at their state. His face was fear-stricken, and Annikah looked furious, although there was a mischievous glint in her eye. Suddenly, she punched him in the stomach so hard that the sound vibrated against my walls.
Rafael stumbled back and ended up on the floor as he tripped over a pile of my clothes.
"Say that again, I dare you." Her eyes were narrowed as she glared at him, and Rafael looked terrified as he shook his head furiously.
Ann held out her hand for Rafael but retracted it at the last minute.
"My fun-sized hands have no desire of helping a bully." The smirk on her face only deepened when Rafael glared at her, getting up on his own.
Meanwhile, the rest of us watched and I clamped my hand across my mouth to stop the chuckles from bursting when Rafael's cheeks heated up.
"Back to folding, everyone," he muttered, stepping the furthest away as he could from Annikah when she walked past him.
"Boo," she suddenly turned around and cackled like Ursula when he jumped.
After his embarrassing downfall, literally, everyone resumed their personal version of folding my clothes.
Jonah was teaching Ann how to fold, and she was getting more annoyed by the second. He moved away from her when she threw her hands up in frustration.
"It's okay, you can do something on your phone. I'll do your folding as well." He looked terrified as he shot her a shaky smile. She smirked slyly before placing an entire pile of clothes in Jonah's outstretched arms.
I held back my snort when his eyes widened, and he masked his surprise with another smile. I made my way over to him, and he looked up, shooting me a helpless look.
Annikah was now lounging on my bed, and Rafael was scowling at her as she waved at him.
"You're a good folder," I commented, glancing at all the clothes that were neatly arranged in squares in front of him.
"My mum's very particular about this, I fold all of our clothes," he shrugged, a small smile on his face.
"I'm sorry about her," I pointed at Ann who smiled sheepishly at us.
"It's not origami, you idiotic rooster." Bree was cursing Travis because his entire pile consisted of various geometrical shapes. I could swear I saw a skirt folded into a parallelogram in there.
"Your friends are quite... different." Jonah nodded his head, and someone snorted behind me.
"We're your friends as well," Bree grinned at him. Travis shot Jonah a thumbs up.
"Oh?" He turned to me, a bewildered look on his face and I couldn't resist cracking a grin at his discomfort.
"Yup. Welcome to the chicken fam, Jojo. Bring it in," Travis outstretched his arms, and Bree made a disgruntled noise.
"You're scaring him away," she rolled her eyes at Travis, who shrugged his shoulders, still waiting on his hug.
Jonah took a tentative step forward, but then stopped. Travis took that as a cue to jump on him and me, choking me with his bulky arm around my neck.
"Group Hug 2.0." This time Jonah's eardrums fell victim to Travis' supersonic screams, and he flinched.
When Travis didn't let go, I shot Rafael and Bree a pleading look and they begrudgingly wrapped their arms around the rest of us. It felt like Jonah and I were in the middle of a human burrito as Ann sidled into the hug.
"We're not the chicken fam, Trav. We discussed that on the way over here," Rafael muttered irritably after a beat of silence.
Travis gasped audibly, clearly offended.
"Chicken nuggets superiority, Taffie" Travis rolled his eyes.
"Where the hell did you get that name from?" Rafael's cheeks flushed as he immediately pulled away. He glowered murderously at Travis, his gaze flickering momentarily to Bree.
Guess Group Hug 2.0 was over before it started.
"Oh, I um.. made it up?" It sounded like a question, and Rafael took two intimidating steps towards Travis, who now looked like a terrified chicken. Quite fitting.
"Can we eat now?" I cleared my throat, and Rafael turned to me. His glare faded, softening into a small smile.
"Yeah, sure."
Travis let out an audible sigh of relief, and Bree was rubbing the bridge of her nose. I wondered how long they would be able to keep this secret, Travis was clearly going to burst any day now.
"No eating in here," I instructed and everyone nodded as they filed out of the room. Jonah was the last to leave, his fingers twitching as he glanced at the flipped photo frame on my table.
He didn't meet my gaze, and I closed the door behind me when he reluctantly left.
Downstairs, Rafael took a seat next to me on top of the central island, Bree on the other. The others were either seated on the bar stools, or around the dining table. Andrea was nowhere in sight.
"Subway, burgers and chicken nuggets. Take your pick." Travis laid all the food, which was a lot, on the table like they were tarot cards.
"Oh, also Rafael picked your subway," he added, a suggestive smile on his face.
I glanced at Raf, who looked embarrassed. "You said you didn't like olives, but you liked lettuce, cucumbers and extra chipotle southwest," he muttered under his breath, and I stared at the side of his face.
"Is that why you were asking me last night? You planned this?" Gratitude pooled in my stomach when he nodded.
"Well, I was planning it for the weekend, but you didn't come to school today so I just figured we'd come here." The corner of his lips tugged up, and I smiled.
It was nice to have friends again.
I grabbed chicken nuggets and my sub sandwich, and the rest of our meal conversation was consumed mainly by Travis trying to convince Jonah to undergo our 'chicken frat initiation ceremony'.
We didn't have one, but according to Travis, it consisted of doing the cha-cha slide and then giving a speech on the pitfalls of Subway discontinuing the thousand island dressing.
"It's a very disappointing decision taken by the crusty old people of Subway," Travis sighed. Jonah, who was sitting beside him, looked like he wanted to run away and never come back.
I didn't blame him.
Jonah was the first person to leave to put his plate in the sink, followed by the rest of us as Travis stared at us with furrowed eyebrows.
"Was it something I said?" he looked genuinely confused and Ann patted his shoulder before running up the stairs and back to my room.
Everyone else followed suit, and I waited for Travis to finish his third burger before he told me about how beetroot gave him constipation on the way back.
For the next hour, we folded my clothes, even Ann, who had finally learnt from Jonah.
"Are you feeling better?" Rafael asked me halfway through, and I nodded.
I was doing okay, but in the back of my mind, I could still see Aiden's glare and Kiara's letter. I couldn't escape the feeling that I didn't deserve any of the people in my room right now. The people I loved tended to end up six feet under.
I stepped aside when he moved closer, my demeanor entirely opposite from how I was wrapped up in his arms yesterday. I was embarrassed because I felt disgusted by myself. I wasn't pure, just like Aiden had said. I wasn't innocent.
Rafael made many attempts at trying to pull me out of my shell, but I sunk further and further in, masking my depressing thoughts with a smile. I could also feel Jonah's stare on the side of my head, and I ignored the two of them while pretending to listen to Travis rap.
I feared that I might end up like Kiara, this was how she acted during her last days. Smiling, but there were always remnants of sadness in it. She looked hollow, and we all pegged it to be bad days and sickness.
I wondered what the aftermath would be if I did something like her.
Jonah was right. I needed help.
I just didn't know how to ask for it.
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It was four hours later and we were all now in the lounge, which no one used anymore. There were more than enough rooms in this house, but all of them felt haunted by spirits of the past.
School had ended long ago, and we were now watching a movie picked by Jonah. It was a coming of age movie, and I knew the ending because it was something we had watched a million times with Kiara.
I pretended to not notice the way his eyes watered or his hands trembled when we reached the tragic end.
"Jonah, man, you're amazing. But we've got three crying babies here, and it'll take a lot of effort to shut them up." Annikah groaned when the final credits rolled.
Travis, Bree and I glared at her when she called us babies.
I was sitting on the sole recliner in the room, my arms wrapped around my knees and I could feel Rafael's gaze on me. The last time I cried during a movie, he was hugging me, but right now I wanted nothing more than distance.
"I have to leave for work soon," Jonah murmured after a long pause.
Travis nodded, trying to surreptitiously wipe his eyes, but everyone turned to him when he sniffled loudly.
"Okay, we'll leave now nugget" he turned to me. The others eventually got up, and Rafael was still glancing at me, making me squirm with the intensity of his gaze.
"Blaze, can I talk to you?" Bree turned to me, and I nodded, confusion rising inside me.
Rafael seemed reluctant to leave, dragging his steps before Bree shoved him out of the room.
She smiled at me once we were alone, glancing at the sleeves of my hoodies.
"I know what it's like, Blaze," she murmured, and for a second I was confused until she lifted her tee slightly. On her stomach were dozens of faded scars, some blending in and others starkly contrasting against her tanned skin. I didn't flinch, knowing my abdomen looked the same.
"I know hard it is to stop, we all have our reasons," she whispered, and my heart ached at the reminiscent pain in her voice.
She twisted the leather bands on her hand, and I suddenly realised why she wore them. Beneath them were large scars mapping the skin of her wrists, all fading away. But they were clearly visible when she moved the bands aside.
"It took me four months of constant therapy to finally get out of that black hole." Her confession was laced with underlying struggle. She cleared her throat before continuing.
"What I'm trying to tell you is that you're not doing anyone a favour by staying away from the blade. Not me, and certainly not Rafael." I flinched at her blunt words, and she shook her head furiously.
"I don't mean it harshly. I'm trying to make you understand something." She looked me in the eye as she talked, seriousness shining in her brown irises.
"You're doing it for yourself, so you can realise that you're tougher than the thoughts controlling your mind. You're strong, Blaze, more than you give yourself credit for," she smiled, and I was surprised to see that I believed her.
She actually understood what it was like.
Her arms suddenly wrapped around my shoulders, encasing me in a gentle hug. Pricks of discomfort stabbed at my insides, but I gulped them down.
"We can help you Blaze, but we can't save you. Only you can do that." Her voice was a mere whisper in my ear.
I was thankful when she pulled away, her searching eyes lingering on mine. Bree looked like she wanted to say something more, but stopped herself.
I followed her outside to the driveway where the others were waiting. It was nearing the evening and I knew Mark would be home soon for Aiden's appointment, who was still nowhere to be found.
Andrea had come into the lounge an hour ago, worriedly asking if Aiden had texted me saying where he was. Rafael had tensed, and I could see Andrea look at him with masked hostility. In her eyes, he was the reason Aiden had been in the hospital. Despite it all, I knew she loved Aiden.
I wondered if she still would if she knew all the horrible crimes he had committed.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of a familiar engine, and I saw Aiden's car swerve into the driveway. He stepped out a second later, and as soon as his eyes landed on us, unbridled rage took over his face.
His silence from the morning was long forgotten as he clenched his fists, his stance widening and I knew what that meant.
He was looking for a victim to fall prey to his wrath.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" He was glaring directly at Rafael, whose fists were clenched into a tight ball.
"Aiden, stop." His poisonous glare shifted to me when I spoke, and I saw the same hatred and blame as before.
"Shut the fuck up." His eyes narrowed on me, and the fear blended with rage spread inside me. But I didn't even get to speak for myself, because I was cut off.
"I'll fucking smash your face in for talking to her like that." Rafael was sneering at Aiden, and I knew he would if Bree wasn't clutching his arm in a death grip.
"Calm down. We're just leaving." Travis looked almost as angry as Rafael, but he seemed to have it in control. He looked at me, and I dodged his worried gaze. This was nothing compared to what Aiden had done or said before, I could handle it.
"I'm not leaving her alone with this fucker," Rafael gritted out, and I stepped away from him when he got angrier by the second. His hands were now trembling with rage, the hard planes of his face twisting into a furious scowl.
If he were a panther, I'm sure he would have pounced on Aiden.
"She's not alone," I jumped as Andrea's voice sounded from behind me, her angry glare fixed on Aiden. She didn't say anything about Rafael's comment.
"Aiden. Get inside, now." I had never seen Andrea so angry before, she looked like she might just slap the living daylights out of him.
Aiden looked furious, and for a minute there was a flash of regret on his face. However, it was gone just like all those fleeting moments where he showed he was human.
He didn't say a word before storming inside, shoving a plastic baggie inside his pocket. Andrea instantly noticed and followed him, her eyes burning with rage.
I sighed when they disappeared inside, followed by the sound of distant yelling. Rafael, Bree and Travis looked furious, while Jonah and Ann looked worried and uncomfortable.
"Do you want to stay over at our place?" Bree asked, and I shook my head.
"No, I'll be fine. I need to pack." Her eyebrows furrowed, and I smiled shakily at her.
"I'm moving out of here," I explained, and her eyes lit up as Rafael's temper dimmed.
"Thank fuck, I didn't want to kidnap you and hold you hostage in my house," Travis smiled and I returned it. He knew how to dissipate the tension, and soon everyone's terse shoulders fell.
Jonah was looking at me weirdly with a calculating gaze, and I avoided the questioning look in his eyes.
"You sure about the sleepover? The offer still stands," Bree raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sure."
She paused for a minute, before pursing her lips and nodding. She followed Ann and Jonah into Travis' car, Rafael lingering behind.
"Blaze?" He had significantly calmed down, but I took a few steps backwards anyways. I cut him off before he said something else.
"Bye Rafael." I didn't meet his gaze, turning to the front door instead.
There was silence, and a few moments later, I heard a sigh as he walked away and stepped inside the car.
I stayed outside even after they left, sitting on the steps and looking at the evening sky streaked with rays of burnt orange and mauve.
I wasn't angry at Rafael, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he had the same rage inside him as Aiden. It was visible in the way his pupils dilated and his hands fisted instinctively on the chances of an approaching fight.
I hated to admit it, but when it showed, I couldn't notice any difference between him and Aiden.
It was both my worst fear and biggest warning.
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The midnight moonlight filtered in through my window, and I watched the twinkling stars in the distance, hoping they'd grant me the wish of normalcy.
I couldn't fall asleep, my eyes refusing to give in to the exhaustion weighing on my body. A million thoughts were racing through my head, various voices filtering in and out for the past hour.
I can't lose someone else, Blaze.
We think you should see a therapist too.
You're strong, Blaze, more than you give yourself credit for.
We can help you Blaze, but we can't save you. Only you can do that.
All of those voices were pushing me towards the truth that I had been avoiding. I needed help, and I wanted it too.
One glance at the photo-frame and Kiara's grinning face made it easier to decide.
Her happiness had faded in a silent war, waning into nothing but darkness until she succumbed to it.
I didn't want that for myself, at least I think I didn't.
I didn't know if that made me a coward because I could slice up my arms all I wanted but never once deep enough to end it all.
That thought enough was enough to confirm that I was hurtling towards the same road as Kiara, and I was scared. No, I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't tell someone what really went on in my head.
I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, not even Rafael, that when I saw tall buildings, all I could think about was how much it would hurt to fall from its roof. Or when I saw anything with sharp edges, I wondered how deep it would cut and how much blood I would lose. Or that sometimes I slowed down when I crossed the road so someone would just hit me and do the one thing I was too weak to.
Jolting up, I crept downstairs, my heart thumping against my chest at the thoughts that had just slithered into my brain. It was bad, so bad.
I needed to find Andrea.
I let out a sigh of relief when I found her and not Aiden sitting on the kitchen counter. In front of her was a full glass of water, her head in her hands. Defeat seemed like a common sight in this house these days.
"Andrea?" I called to her, and she turned to me, a wry smile on her lips.
"It's late, darling. What are you doing up?" she raised an eyebrow, and with trembling hands, I sat down next to her.
"I just, I... I don't know how to say it. I need to talk to you about something." I struggled to word my thoughts, and her eyebrows furrowed.
"Blaze, what's wrong?" Her tone turned serious, and I fiddled with the edge of my hoodie sleeve.
"Promise you won't get mad?" I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and she nodded instantly.
"I promise."
"I think you're right. I need help." My words were barely discernable beneath all the fear clouding my tone. I pulled my sleeve up, revealing one of my closely guarded secrets to her and in turn, I heard an audible gasp.
When I finally dared to look up, I was met with teary eyes akin to my own, but I saw no disappointment in them, the thing I was most scared of.
"I'm sorry." Tears hazed my vision, however, it felt as if a burden had been lifted from my soul. I had finally told her something I had been hiding for a year, and I felt slightly free.
I wasn't okay, and now she knew.
Her arms wrapped around me, and I burrowed my head in her chest. The sound of her soft crying caused my own tears to fall free, and my crying transformed into muffled sobs against the fabric of her nightgown.
"It's going to be alright." She ran her hand through my hair, and I let her. Her arms held me as I cried and cried, for all that I had lost, both known and unbeknownst to her.
I cried for my parents and Kiara, for my fault in their death. But most of all, I cried because I could finally accept the fact that it was okay to not be okay, and that I deserved to get help.
"It's going to be alright, darling." I heard my mother's voice in Andrea's and I held on tighter to her, afraid that she'd let go before I was ready to give her up.
And for the first time, I believed it.
hi gorgeous people! how are you today? sorry for the very very long chapter, but idk it just turned out that way. next chapter will still be a bit longer so bear with me here.
50K?! YOU HEARD ME. holy crap that's such a huge fucking milestone, i legit cannot believe that. like what do y'all even like about me? i have a crappy sense of humour and the wannabe-ness of a professional writer. so thank you for putting up with my chaos uptil this huge milestone. i'm just speechless and i love you guys so so much.
question: what's your favourite planet in our solar system? dumb question, but i'm curious. mine is either pluto or saturn.
please stay safe, and you're amazing.
love
a
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