t.w suicide note

Dear B,

If you're reading this, then I guess I finally gathered the courage to do it- the one thing that has been haunting my brain for the past few months. It was the only way to break free from these destructive thoughts running rampant in my brain.

For you, my struggle was hidden and silent, but for me it was a massacre inside my soul. I could feel parts of me slowly dying and fading away, the darkness seeping through. But I had to smile and show I was okay, because I was supposed to be the light in all your lives. I've been fighting for you for a long time, but sometimes I wished someone had fought for me.

There are these... voices in my head. I never realised when they sprouted roots and started controlling my mind, my freedom. Are they real or just a part of me? They're draining me, sucking the life from my bones, and I'm not strong enough to protest. I feel shackled all the time, at their mercy. Just because I'm broken, it doesn't mean I have to hurt others. I'd rather harm myself and leave.

You always told me that I was the one who stuck by you through all your grief and pain, then why didn't you do the same for me? Staying by your side while you cried to sleep, holding your hand through the night, but somewhere along the way those evil shadows seeped into me, and absorbed all the light.

You never even noticed that I was floundering and choking, but that's okay. I would sacrifice anything for you, you've seen real pain but I haven't. I don't deserve to live a long life when I have these torturous demons inside me.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems too far, I'd rather just slump here in the dark and get engulfed by it. I can't take any more of this- constantly feeling like a burden and a waste of space.

I'm sitting at our place by the pond while I write this, and I wonder what will happen once I jump off that building. Will I get that satisfaction that I've been craving? Is there even an afterlife or is there just empty oblivion? Will I be thrust into another stretch of darkness, after thinking I could escape the one in my head?

However, I do know one thing. For that fleeting moment when I take my last step, I'll regain the control I had lost all those months ago. Even if it's for a second, I'll die knowing that my last breaths were mine, devoid of those dark creatures lurking somewhere inside of me.

Is this what they call depression? Or is it something else? It feels like an illness, a noose tightening around my neck. I keep on clawing for air but all I receive are scars, both physically on my thighs and mentally somewhere in my mind. Why can't you hear my cries for helps? They all seem muffled by my pillow, and every time I try to reach out, those creatures pull me back. I can feel them abusing me, telling me that I don't deserve to breathe anymore.

I wished you could've helped me, I hoped you would see behind my pretence, but you didn't. My parents love you like a second daughter, and in the process I feel like I've been forgotten. I lost my own strength helping everyone else fight their battles, but it's okay because I'll be fine. My struggles paled in front of yours, you had lost your family while I on the other hand, had lost my sanity.

Out of everyone, I had hoped that you would help me, but you were submerged in your own pain. I feel like I'm being pulled under by the currents, so I want to give you my lifeline. I always thought I'd live long and find happiness, the things that they say in all those movies but that's the thing- my happiness was fabricated, it was all just a ruse. Why didn't you call me out Blaze?

They said that everyone loved you more than me, and that Jonah deserved better. I agree, because no one likes broken things. And the most painful part is you never realised I was shattered on the inside. I was breaking but you hugged my wounds thinking I was whole. You made me bleed more.

Death isn't the end, it's just another step towards someplace else. Maybe in that place, these demons won't follow me, maybe I'll finally be able to win. Or maybe not, maybe this was all in vain. It hurts so much, I can feel myself die little by little, and I'd rather just end it all at once than bear that excruciating torture day by day. I just want it to stop, I want everything to stop.

I'll never forget all our memories, because they are the things that somehow helped me get to this point. All those times you made me laugh, all those cups of coffee we snuck into my room, and all those nights we stayed up talking about the theories of the universe. I hope I can solve some of them if my soul wanders.

Even after I go, I know Aiden and my family will love you. He loves you so much B, you can help each other through the chaos that I've unleashed. This is me being selfish for once and doing what I have to, even if it means hurting all of you in the process.

Everyone fed me lies when I was younger. Life isn't a fairytale, there's no happy ending, at least for me. The demons always win, they're stronger than ever and the fight in me has been drained since a long time.

Please tell Jonah that I love him, and that I'm sorry. I'll miss playing with his hair and stealing his books. I'll miss all of you. Dad's goofy smile and his surprise presents, Aiden's horrible jokes and his amazing personality and Mum's hugs and lasagna. All of it. You're the only person that I have the strength to write this letter to. I'm always here for you B, even if I'm not by your side, I'm there in spirit. Because no matter how many times I die, I'll always find my way back to you.

I'm not happy, I'm scared and tired. This exhaustion that I'm feeling can't be put into words. It's a cycle that's dragging me down, and breaking every piece of me. How much pain can I bear on my own? This is my breaking point, and I'll be the one to end it.

Maybe it's all in my head, but I'm sorry that I had to do this. I'm so sorry.

I love you Blaze, I really do. And I had hoped you would love me enough to give me a reason to stay.

Yours
Kiara