❃ B l a z e ❃

t. w: graphic mentions of rape

(please skip if you're uncomfortable to the first line breaker)

"I was raped." Dry agony pulsated through my veins, my throat collapsing in on itself. Jagged rocks grew inside my lungs, tearing apart the skin and drawing blood. 

Raped. I was raped.

The brittle truth felt all the more shattering and I dropped my gaze to the thick carpet. My toes curled in horror inside my socks, nerves firing in my body.

"Are you comfortable talking about this?" Dr. Lincoln murmured, her lips thin with sympathy and shock. I simply nodded, twisting my clammy fingers nervously.

"And are you comfortable with me asking questions?" I nodded in response once again. The more I delayed it, the less likely I was of ever acknowledging it.

"When did this happen?" The gentle prompt made me sink further into the couch and I shuttered my eyes. A sudden bout of exhaustion crept across my body and I propped my head on the pillow. 

I mulled over her question in my head. Time was fluid and viscous during that period in my life, each day overlapping with pain, blurred together by the abuse. It felt from an entirely different life altogether.

"Seven months ago." 

"Did you get a rape kit done?" I jerked at her question, embarrassment and worthlessness tiding through my veins.

"I... I didn't. I couldn't get off the bed." Tears trekked down my cheeks, salt scorching my tastebuds. Numbness battled with agony for dominance, swirling deep in my gut.

"I couldn't move, not before, during or after," I curled my knees up, my veins ebbing with pain. Questions circled my head like vultures, preying on my thoughts.

Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I fight back?

Why? Why? Why?

Emotions flickered on Dr. Lincoln's face, indecipherable and fleeting.

"I told him to stop. I said no, why didn't he listen? I said it so many times." My throat ached like it had that day, hoarse from refusal and feeble attempts to voice my denial. From my innocence to my soul, everything felt tainted by Aiden's hands.

My skin felt gnawed to the bone, phantom memories bristling like the fine hairs on my arm. The scorching pain between my thighs, the blood on the inside of my mouth from silencing my cries, the pain of my nails embedding deep into my palm.

"You didn't do anything to deserve that. Nothing at all," Dr. Lincoln extended her tissue box and I accepted it sullenly.

"I said no." No. The word echoed in my head, losing it's meaning with each loop. Was that how Aiden had felt, stripping the word of it's power after hearing it so many times?

"And that should've been enough," Dr. Lincoln pressed with an empathetic nod.

The silence milled through my ribcage as I struggled to grasp a semblance of control. The reminiscent heartbreak powered through and it felt like my heart poured onto the ivory carpet as hues of ruby stained my vision.

The blood on the sheets reminded me that I was raped. Ripped of a choice, deprived of my soul. That's how I felt.

"Blaze, use your breathing exercises," Dr. Lincoln's lulling voice cut through the haze and I rubbed my wrist, pressing Rafael's bracelet against my pulse point.

Rafael. The person I loved with every fragment of my mangled heart, each piece coiling around his soul.

"Did you tell anyone about this?" Dr Lincoln's dark eyes crinkled at the edges. I answered with a curt shake of my head. What if no one believed me? Stupid, I was stupid. I was scared of everything, what Aiden would do, what others would think.

As if sensing my thoughts, Dr. Lincoln grimly smiled.

"I believe you, Blaze."

"What if no one else does?"

"We'll figure it out. You don't need to worry about that right now." Her fingers interlocked on the notebook as she stopped writing momentarily and I nodded in dejection.

Pain frothed at every crevice of my skin and oozed out my eyes as tears. Salt struck my tongue as shuddering breaths wracked my ribcage, acid creeping across my throat. I felt like I was dying but I knew this was just an assault of the past and it would recede soon enough.

"I'm having nightmares again and I ran out of my medication before the prescribed date," I murmured, my fingers clenching around the pillow. Dr. Lincoln's gaze fluttered to my wrist and I just shoved my sleeves up, showing her the unmarked skin.

"Have you been taking more pills than usual?"

"Only for the past week or so," The confession was leaden with guilt. I didn't like self medicating but I was here now because that wasn't a solution.

"Why is that so?"

"Because I feel like I'm trying hard to keep it together but I also feel very alone sometimes. No one gets what it's like." A tassel from the pillow came loose in my hand and I clamped a hand over my mouth.

"You're here now and that's what matters. Are you okay with telling me who the person was?" He wasn't a person nor a monster, no label would do justice to what Aiden was.

"No, not right now." Time, that's what I needed but I felt like it was slipping through the fissures of my mind.

"Was it someone close?" Dr. Lincoln tried again and blood pooled on my inner lip as my teeth sunk in.

"I can't... I just can't tell you now." 

"It's okay, we'll take it at your pace." 

My wrist which had been once heavy with scars and bruises now held a single bracelet, stars etched onto the pristine silver surface. A small boost of motivation jolted through me and I finally looked up, inhaling deeply.

"I've never felt so trapped in my life than when I did at that moment." Black dots began to spot my vision and I sipped on the glass of water.

The words buckled out of my mouth in a flurry as I narrated all my emotions during that time. The anger, the pain, the betrayal and the heartbreak, all the nerves that flared and numbed across my skin.

"Deep breaths, Blaze," The soft warning rang from Dr. Lincoln's throat and I nodded, leaning my head back against the sofa. A thin sheen of tears covered my cheeks, more flooding from my eyes, they just never stopped.

Like a tumbling house of cards, I felt crushed by the weight of the atmosphere as it coiled around my throat and I floundered.

I told her everything, the suffocating presence of his hands against my throat, my chest, everywhere. The way his fingers pressed against the blooming bruises, his fingernails marring my skin with his violation. How my lungs deflated, my blood vessels cracked open with pain, how death loomed in my head as I wished for an escape from the pain between my legs and the slow death of my heart.

And the way he made me bleed, inside and out, on the sheets, on my soul, tainting crimson with every trail of his finger. How my bones cracked under the pressure of his, how his skin burnt mine with every touch. The repressed trauma unfolded, cracking it's wings and shredding my composure.

My eyes blurred with tears like they had that day, every movement drawing a parallel to the past. How could I have ever loved someone like that?

The memories were like barbed wire piercing soft skin, harming anyone who dared to climb them. I struggled and fell victim to my own mind, my stomach twisting with nausea.

"I-" Dr. Lincoln shook her head, the tight set of her lips reflecting speechlessness. Nothing needed to be said, all the words had been ripped right off my vocal cords.

Through my hazed vision, I saw her dab lightly at her eyes and I dragged my gaze back down to the floor.

"I didn't ask for that, none of it." My palms were cut with crescent moons, the edges of my wrist turning red from my constant scratching.

"I know this is tough for you but I'm glad you shared this with me, Blaze. I'm going to help you through this. You're safe here." Dr. Lincoln's eyes surged with understanding and I nodded drowsily.

Her questions after that didn't quite strike well, exhaustion threading gradually into my bones. I just wanted to sleep now, coax the infinite tears that scraped my eyes dry.

For the rest of the session, Dr. Lincoln's voice droned into the background as I struggled to grasp the thin line between my present reality and the past, the colours seeping together.

The barked up memories had torn me apart entirely, the wounds oozing with pain and struggle. Wasn't I supposed to feel lighter and more composed, knowing that my secret was liberated within these walls?

Then why did I feel so burdened, like acid had been poured down my throat, like my skin had melted and pooled under my feet like wax? Questions outlined by more questions.

What did I do to deserve this?

Why did I feel so lost?

Why was I still alive?

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

The gentle ringing of the alarm clock signalled the ending of our session and I finally let go of the pillow.

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Lincoln shut her notebook, placing it beside her and I shrugged weakly. 

"Remember, healing is a parabola. You just have to climb the curve." Her words sunk deep and I nodded, shakily getting up. My face was sticky with tears, my eyelids heavy with more unshed ones.

The inside of my wrist was imprinted with black ink, Rafael's number scrawled messily onto the pale skin. When Dr. Lincoln had seen me scratching my wrist, she told me to write someone's phone number and he was the first person to dawn in my head.

If you ever feel like doing something bad, stare at the number until it's all you're thinking about. 

Grimly nodding, I moved towards the door, a bout of lightheadedness making me clench my fists in frustration. 

"Did you come here alone?" Worry furrowed Dr. Lincoln's forehead and I gritted my teeth together.

"No, Rafael's waiting outside." Her eyebrows shot up in surprise and I trudged out of the room, not bothering to say goodbye. I just wanted to go to sleep.

I rubbed the back of my fist over my eyes, mist shrouding the corners of my sight. A sharp exhale caught my attention and I turned to face swarming green eyes.

"What happened?" Rafael's voice cut sharply. I pressed my lips together, his fingers instantly coiling around mine as I pulled my sleeve past my wrist to hide his number.

"Are you going to be alright?" Dr. Lincoln interrupted, glancing at our interlocked hands. The receptionist pretended to look away, staring intensely at her computer screen.

"Yeah." Confusion gleamed in Raf's eyes as he glanced between Dr. Lincoln and me, his thumb pressing against the vein on the inside of my wrist.

"I'll schedule another appointment for you on Friday." Her analyzing gaze was still stuck on Rafael and the sharp angle of his jaw tightened.

"Okay, thank you. Good night." Tugging on Rafael's hand, I gently dragged him away from the clinic and towards the lift. However, he nudged me down the staircase, halting us right in the middle.

"What's wrong, Blaze?" My skin quivered with the threat of more tears and I shook my head, knotted hair strands sticking to my damp cheeks.

"I don't want to talk about it now." I loathed how weak and hoarse my voice sounded.

Conflict arose in his eyes and he reluctantly nodded, his fingers curling around my lower back.

"I love you." Rafael's whisper chilled my skin, holding an unfathomable meaning, different than every single time.

I gulped the lump in my throat. Why did I have to deal with Aiden? Why couldn't I have had met Rafael sooner? So many questions.

His eyes became laden with hurt and I realised I hadn't said it back. I wanted to, I did, but the words wedged in the walls of my throat and I dipped my head low.

Rafael's lips fleetingly brushed against my forehead, my ribcage expanding from the feeling. However, he pulled away, a streak of hurt thundering through his eyes and slowly, he trekked down the stairs with me in tow.

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" He turned around on the landing and I shook my head. Rafael looked like he wanted to protest, however, he halted when he saw my thumb rubbing on my wrist.

"Why's my number on your arm?" I edged closer at his question, wrapping my arms around his middle to soak away the threat of a panic attack. I had never felt so unstable, swinging on a tightrope bound to snap.

"I love you." My confession rattled against the silence. My abrupt change in mood had me reeling, however, a relieved sigh edged past Rafael's lips.

"And I love you." The sharp ridge of his chin dug into my head and we stayed like that, our mingled breaths permeating the terse silence.

I retracted my arms reluctantly, my nose clogging up again with the bitter memories that were omnipresent after their unearthing. Rafael seemed to understand my sudden shift in mood and he smiled warily before leading us to his car.

Once inside, the heater prickled at my fingertips and I arched my feet. Winter was slowly draining away from Glensdale but I had never felt so frigid.

"Are you still cold?" Concern nipped at Rafael's voice as he shrugged off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders. 

"You'll freeze," I murmured, hypocritically tugging his jacket closer to my skin.

"It's not that cold, baby. I think you're falling sick." His knuckles pressed against my forehead as he dragged his bottom lip between his teeth.

"No, I'm not. I'm just tired," I muttered, propping my head against the window. A frustrated exhale later, Rafael laced our hands together and began driving.

The streets blurred with blinding lights that ached against my strained eyes and periodically, I could feel Rafael's eyes shift to me momentarily before turning to the road again. The nerve wracking tension was unbearable and I just closed my eyes, soft alternative music filtering through the speakers.

My thoughts rampaged wildly, compressing against my skull and I gritted my teeth. Aiden wasn't here, I was safe.

Soft lips brushed against my heated knuckles, kindling a surge of tingles across the fragile skin. My eyes rose to meet Rafael's as he gently smiled, the red traffic light falling on his side profile. 

"I'm here, okay?" Plated with tenderness, his tone made my stomach roll with nerves and I nodded. Now more alert, I sat up in my seat and grabbed his phone from the central console.

"You bought new boosters," I knocked my hand on his chest after opening our game and he smiled knowingly. My lips cracked wide and I eased back into my seat as the light turned green.

For the rest of the car drive, I successfully managed to distract myself and complete seven levels without using any boosters.

"I did good, huh?" I prodded my finger on Rafael's chest as he led me towards my Aunt's house. A soft smile spread across his face as he nodded, hooking an arm around my shoulder.

"I'm proud of you," He repeated the words I had uttered to him hours ago and I placed a kiss on his lips. His top lip curved over mine, knocking the breath right out of my chest.

"Wait, where's your aunt?" Rafael murmured as he pulled away, the dark house finally soliciting my attention.

"I don't know." Scrolling through my phone, I saw a text from her saying she was working late and I nibbled on my bottom lip in frustration.

"She's getting home late," I stuffed my hand through my pocket and shakily opened the front door, the prospect of staying alone terrifying my senses.

I could ask Rafael, but there was a limit and I didn't want to come off as needy.

Maybe I already did.

So fucking needy.

My brisk mood swings were making me nauseous, I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed.

The key jammed in the lock and I twisted it in frustration, slamming my palm on the immovable door.

"Calm down," Rafael turned me around but I shoved him away. Needy, clingy, attention seeker. My mind conjured up the buried self deprecation and I wiped my hand across my eyes.

Stop crying. How more weak and pathetic could I get?

"Look at me." I ignored Rafael and shoved the key back in the keyhole, failing again.

"Wrong key, Blaze," Rafael murmured, clasping my wrist and my skin burnt with embarrassment. The key with the purple nail polish was the housekey and I was trying with the blue key.

"It's okay, it's getting dark." His fingers brushed my tangled hair away from my neck and I stepped away,  pushing the door open.

The dark room momentarily terrified me as the vortex of the past sucked me in. The room was shady that afternoon too, made gloomier by the shadows of Aiden's body on mine. The nonexistent remorse on Aiden's face after tore my heart apart even now.

It made me wonder if it was a fever dream after all, just a crazy manifestation of my twisted memory.

"I'll stay here with you." Rafael's murmur startled me out of my daze and I didn't object. I slowly edged up the stairs, my vision slightly fogging.

"You need to eat." Concern wrapped around his voice and I shook my head.

"I'm going to shower." Trekking up to my room, I leaned against the wooden door for a few moments.

Once in my bathroom, I locked the door and slowly stripped my clothes off, the fabric pooling near my feet. It was hard looking at myself in the mirror, noticing more stretch marks around my thighs than usual. Detestation rippled in my chest as I noticed the way the scars and marks overlapped, fighting for prominence against the ghastly skin.

One look at the ink of my wrist and I glanced away from the mirror with which I shared a love-hate relationship.

I would get there some day, I hoped, where I could look at myself and colour those blemishes with a spectrum of love and acceptance.

Letting the water run till it turned warm, I stepped inside and instantly felt the hot steam coil around my throat. It scalded my nerves, pressing against my neck just like his fingers had cut sickle shaped scars on my collarbones.

Hastily, I rotated the handle until the water turned frigid. It froze my skin and melted it right off my bones, just like Aiden's eyes were that day, a starless winter night strewn with icy gusts.

My burning skin was soothed by the freezing water but soon it made me shiver, sucking the life out of my soul. Just like Aiden. Every moment in the present pulled me to the past and I was dragged back and forth, stumbling in the abyss between.

My arms were patched with tiny red spots from the searing water. My fingers twisted the handle between the two temperatures, struggling to escape the memories clouding my brain.

The heavy plopping of the water drowned out my sobs as my teeth sunk into my palm to muffle my crying. My nostrils were raw from constant rubbing and pain erupted at every nerve as I scratched at my skin, hoping it would shed off and take Aiden's phantom imprint with it.

"Blaze, are you okay?" A sharp knock originated from the door and I angled my head low, glancing at the water that flowed on the shower floor. The marble froze my naked skin as I boxed myself into the corner.

"Answer me, baby. Are you okay?" The knocking got louder and I wrapped my arms tighter around myself.

"Shut up." The yell boomed from my throat as the noise grated against my ear drums.

I hated my body, it was etched with his marks. The skin on my upper arm tore open as I scratched at it vigorously, crimson thinly trailing on the pristine floor.

"Come out right now," Rafael's voice turned steely as he pounded his fists on the door and my mouth filled with metallic blood.

Dizziness swarmed my senses and I inhaled shakily, sourness corroding my chest with each breath.

"Blaze, please get out now." The authority in his voice startled me and I almost slipped on the floor.

Grabbing my bathrobe off the rack, I let a stream of water run down my upper arm where the skin had been torn open and shut the shower off. Patting it dry, I took a deep breath as I dragged the robe gingerly over my shoulders.

"I need to change," I whispered through the door and I heard a sigh before the door to my room opened and shut. My feet padded on the soft carpet as I finally stepped out, grabbing my clothes from my closet.

Tremors quaked across my hands as I put them on, sucking in a sharp breath as I accidentally pressed onto the open skin near my shoulders.

"Can I come in?" Rafael's voice was soft and I murmured my consent, the door creaking open straight after.

His sharp gaze instantly zeroed into where my palm was pressed to my arm and his pupils dilated in anger. Before I knew it, his sock clad toes brushed against my bare ones as I stared fuzzily at the carpet, digging my fingers further in.

"Let go," Rafael gritted out and I sucked in a sharp breath, shaking my head. It had been so long since I'd felt this sort of pain and I wanted it to last for a moment, to distract me from the trauma piercing my brain.

"Blaze, let go." I refused to give in to the gentle tone of his voice and I stepped back, seeing blood spot the thin fabric of my tee.

"Stop it." Fury swirled with concern as he unfurled my fingers and gripped them in his palm. Faded crimson stained my fingernails and I glanced at my beige sleeve to see it slowly seeping with red.

"Did you cut yourself?" The corners of Rafael's eyes crinkled as his lips downturned in a frown. I stared back down at my feet. My vision glossed over as I struggled to form coherent words.

Cool air brushed my arm as he tugged my sleeve up, revealing the self inflicted scratches. I raised my head, the vein on his slender neck popping as he flexed his jaw harshly.

My waterline misted with tears again and I dug my nails into my palm to stop them. Over and over again, why wouldn't they just stop?

Rafael's arms clasped around my torso and I clung to the familiarity his embrace provided. I should've never gone to therapy in the first place, at least I'd be in denial instead of fucking unstable. 

"Stop doing that to yourself." His hot breath rippled across my scalp and I shook my head against his chest, my tears soaking through his tee.

"I don't know why I did that... I just don't know what else to do." All the syllables blurred together and I bit my cheek till I felt the pain.

"Talk to me," Rafael cradled my face and I just nuzzled my face into his neck, my nose brushing against his collarbone. Cinammon struck my nostrils and it grounded me as Rafael pulled away, analysing my face.

"Fuck, you're bleeding," His thumb dragged my bottom lip out and I realised he was looking at my gums. Embarrassment trickled through but he gave me a stern look, nudging me towards the bathroom.

Silence overpowered the atmosphere as he got the first aid kit and wiped the blood off my arm with cotton and applied ointment on the shallow scratches.

His fingers gently massaged the cream into my skin and when I offered to do it myself, he just pushed me back onto the counter. The soft pads of his fingertips calmed me and I focused on it rather than the imprint of Aiden's face on every surface.

"Rinse your mouth," Rafael pulled me down and wiped the blood off my inner lip, conflict rising in his flecked green eyes.

"I'll do it, you can leave."

"No." His biceps rose as he crossed his arms tautly over his chest, leaning against the wall. I glared at him.

When he didn't budge, I turned around and rinsed my mouth. The water turned red as it circled the drain. The metallic aftertaste of blood coated my tongue, the colour once again triggering too many bad instances.

Swiping the back of my hand over my mouth, I walked out of the bathroom after cleaning up. Rafael trailed behind, unsaid words lingering in the air.

"I'm going to bed, you can go now. Lock the front door once you leave," I murmured as I trudged over to my bed. However, Rafael halted me with a frown.

"You need to eat." His nostrils flared as I shook my head.

"It wasn't a question." Rafael's challenging tone irked me and I shoved him away.

"I'm not going to die if I skip dinner, okay?" Even if I wanted to.

"Don't say shit like that." Panic burrowed on his face and my eyes softened.

"I'm tired, can I just go to sleep?" The firm shake of his head only irritated me and I ignored him as I shifted onto the bed.

"You're eating first," Rafael's fingers clasped the back of my tee as I tried to pull the duvet over my head.

"Blaze, get up," he sighed into my hair as I sprawled on top of my bed, his arm tucked around my waist.

"I'm going to smack you." My words were muffled against the pillow and a soft laugh edged past Rafael's lips.

"Do that once you're done with dinner."

"Asshole."

"How sweet, babe."

"Stubborn bitch," I murmured as my eyes fluttered close.

"You're not fooling me, get up," Rafael suddenly pulled me up and placed his phone on my lap.

"Play a game or something and don't fall asleep," he muttered as he walked out of my bedroom and I grumbled at the empty space.

A small smile split my lips as I glanced at our photo on his lock screen, ice cream smeared over Rafael's cheeks. Holding onto that small fragment of happiness, I magnified it in my head and anchored my thoughts to it. For the next few minutes, I downloaded anxiety apps on his phone and played with wind chimes and wooden boxes.

"This spaghetti carbonara is pretty good, who made it?" Rafael hummed in delight as he traipsed into the room with two plates in hand.

"My aunt."

"Well that's one redeeming quality I guess," he muttered and handed me my plate. Taking a seat beside me on the bed, Raf watched as I twirled my food around on my fork.

"We eat pasta half of the days in the week," I shrugged weakly as I bit down and Rafael smiled. His ringtone rang loudly and I glanced at his phone to see Travis's name on the screen.

"It's his daily FaceTime," Rafael groaned before accepting and Travis' grinning face greeted our visions.

"Dude, did you know wasps can get drunk on nectar? How cool," His giddy laughter filled my room and despite myself, I smiled.

"Oh hey nugget," Travis grinned at me as I peeked into the camera.

"Are you okay?" His eyes tapered into slits and I quickly moved out of the frame, only to have Rafael drag me back with a frown.

"She's not, cheer her up."

"What happened?" The excitement in Travis' voice died down as he leaned in closer and Rafael sighed.

"What'd you have for dinner, Trav?" Rafael changed the topic when I elbowed him harshly. Travis reluctantly dropped the worry on his face and smiled.

"Melted ice cream with waffles." The camera shifted onto his plate heaped with soggy waffles doused with melted ice cream to the rim. Rafael's nose scrunched up in disgust while Trav just scoffed.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it."

"Whatever."

"Give the phone to Blaze," Travis' command surprised me as Rafael gave me his cell. A cheeky glint sparkled in his eye and I mentally prepared myself for whatever whacky stuff he was going to say next.

"Do you want to see me in a bra?"

Instantly, the phone was snatched from my hand and Rafael glared at the screen, raucous laughter filtering through the speaker.

"I'm going to hang up now," Rafael was cut off as Travis hacked violently, thumping his fist on his chest.

"Oh come on, it'll be funny. It's just a picture." The grimace on Raf's face straightened and he reluctantly handed his phone back to me, resting his chin on top of my head. Our dinner lay forgotten to the side as Travis tapped continuously on his phone.

"You'd think he was looking in Narnia for this picture," Rafael grumbled.

"Shut up."

"Okay, found it." As soon as he said those words, his shared screen revealed a black lacy bra barely covering Travis' dark, bare chest. The garment looked like a thin roll of fabric across the broad expanse of his body and I stifled a laugh as the straps cut painfully across his muscular shoulders.

Rafael's hand clamped over my eyes and I elbowed him away.

"I wear that. I should be covering your eyes, dumbass."

"He's naked, he looks scandalous." Raf waved his fingers around dramatically.

"I have pants on. And hey if I've got it, I'll flaunt it," Travis' lilting voice made Rafael grumble in dissatisfaction.

"How do you guys even wear it on your own? The clasp is so hard to shut, I'm much better at taking bras off," Travis leaned back on his bed with a grin.

"Shut up for own your sake," Raf rubbed his nose in frustration and I watched the two with amusement.

"That design looks good on you, honestly. Although you should get a bigger size," My comment received a sharp glower from my boyfriend.

"Will you stop looking at his cherries?" Rafael sucked his bottom lip into his teeth harshly and I snorted.

"Did you just say cherries?" His cheeks flushed as he looked away with a childish pout.

"My pecs are worth it, nugget. It's alright to admire the blessed," Travis' grin brightened my mood and I shot him a thumbs up.

"Why am I even friends with you?" Rafael dragged his fingers down his face.

"Because I make you look hot."

"Where'd you even get that anyway?" I interrupted, preventing a useless argument.

"Oh, that..." Travis trailed off, nervous laughter cracking his voice.

"Wait a fucking minute," Rafael zoomed into the background of Travis' picture, the person in question looking terrified all of a sudden.

"Is that Bree's room?" Rafael gritted out and I pinched his arm with a frown.

"Oh, look at the time. My mum's calling, I'll call you later. I'm coming, Ma," Travis hollered artificially, shielding the camera.

"I'm going to kick your ass." The growl that left Rafael's lip was purely livid.

"Bree wouldn't appreciate that, she likes it quite a lot." Oh boy, Travis had a death wish.

Before Rafael could say another word, Travis hung up with a satisfied chuckle.

"I'm going to kill him," Raf's slender fingers ran through his tousled hair and I grabbed my dinner.

"No, you won't, tomorrow's the weekend. Plus, they're dating, what do you expect? For them to take a vow of chastity as a bonding activity?"

"Will you shut up?" His playful glare made me shrug and I ate my pasta in silence as Rafael muttered to himself.

"I'm her brother, it's natural to be protective," Rafael explained while flailing his arms around and my lips tugged up in a smile.

"Yeah, well, Travis is your best friend."

"Stop being reasonable." His glower made me scoff.

"Whatever. Eat your food, caveman," I gave him his plate and he chewed his food silently.

Time blurred together as our eyes locked together from time to time, questions swirling in his pupils. The momentary happiness vanished and I lowered my gaze to my duvet with a yawn.

After I was done, Rafael grabbed my plate silently and went downstairs. When I made a move to follow him, he glared and pushed me back onto the bed. Someone was in a pissy mood.

A few minutes later, he came back into the room and sat beside me on the bed. I could already sense the barrage of questions incoming.

"Are you feeling better now?" The mischief in the atmosphere vaporised and I nodded briskly, heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

"What happened today, Blaze?" With a broad shoulder leaned against the door and his bottom lip thinned between his teeth, Rafael looked as serious as he could get.

Not answering, I brushed my teeth, hyperfocused on the way the minty toothpaste cooled my tongue. Behind me, Rafael looked agitated as he cracked his knuckles, the sound suddenly slamming me into a forage of memories.

The cracks of Aiden's fists against my skin, the cracking of my heart in my chest everyday until blood pooled in my stomach and oozed out my pores.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Rafael's straightened,  taking a step towards me and I ducked my head, rinsing my mouth.

"I'm going to sleep now, are you staying or leaving?" The brash nature of my words didn't go amiss as Rafael's eyes softened with hurt.

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired, yeah?" I couldn't even force a smile as I crawled under the covers, chills traversing across every nerve. Today was exhausting, I just hoped my dreams wouldn't be.

It was ironic that people slept to catch up on rest and relax themselves when the only thing I felt was fatigue after every nightmare. What was my refuge supposed to be?

"Can you at least tell me something? I want to help you and I feel fucking useless right now." Rafael's words made me shift on my side and I pulled the covers over my head.

Swiftly, they were ripped off my upper half and Rafael crouched beside the bed. His eyebrows cinched together in alarm, the colour in his lips draining as he held my gaze.

"I need to deal with this on my own," I whispered, the soft strands of his mahogany hair tickling my fingers as I reached out.

The green in his eyes bled into black as I tugged him close, placing a gentle, reaffirming kiss on his lips. All my fraying nerves burnt alive as his fingers delved into my hair and his hot breath mingled with mine.

But then the memories struck me like a beam of lightning, rare and powerful. The same lips that touched Aiden's now tainted Rafael. I felt helpless as I felt phantom fingers crawling across my chest, surging fear across my skin.

I pushed him away roughly  and Rafael seemed startled by my sudden outburst. Salt trickled across my tongue and I realised I was crying.

"I'm sorry. Fuck Blaze, I should've stopped, I'm sorry." Why was he apologising? I was the one that had kissed him. However, the words locked in my throat as I turned away from him.

He was always gentle and patient, why couldn't I just communicate with him? The answer was I was too scared to let anyone know what had happened, terrified to my bones that I'd hollow myself out from the aftermath.

"Can you please leave?" Throaty and raw, my request made Rafael look terrified as he got up shakily.

"I'm sorry." Desperation doused his tone but I shook my head.

"It's not your fault, but I just need to be alone. Please." The last word forced Rafael out of his daze and he nodded slowly, reluctance flashing in his eyes as he stepped towards the door and switched the lights off.

"I'll be downstairs, I love you." Even though Rafael's voice cracked in the dark, I couldn't return it, feeling like my neck had been scraped dry with sandpaper.

The tumultuous nature of my emotions was pulling me under as I hugged the duvet closer to my body, begging for my skin to forget what violation felt like and wash it away with acid.

My pillow turned damp from my soft sobs. My lungs ached from rapidly breathing, begging for a pause from the constant heaving cries that wracked my body.

And even that night, when I woke up shivering from a nightmare of that day all over again, I found myself curled up on the floor. My mind begged for comfort from the same person I had pushed away.

All I was met with was the ghostly midnight silence as I repeated words and phrases over and over again.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I'm always here for you.

We're going to get through this together.

Yet I had never felt so truly alone nor so hollow.

okay.... hi. yes, i know this update is VERY long overdue but i've been dealing with a lot lately. note to self: writer's block + exams + terrible mental health are NOT a good combination. i'm going on a trip soon so i'm hoping that inspires me to write.

anyways, i wanted this chapter to do justice to all the survivors and i really hope that translated. it took hours of research for that first half of the chapter but it really educated me.

how are we feeling about the new cover?

all of you are so strong and i'm proud of every single one of y'all <3

question: what's your nervous tic?

love
a