"I mourn the loss of all that lived and passed, the seasons that burnt away like a melting candle"

♛ R a f a e l ♛

Love.

Uncountable Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.

The dictionary definition didn't seem to suffice for what I felt when Blaze's hair curled around her neck, the nighttime breeze kissing her face the way I wanted to.

A chemical reaction caused by the rush of neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline and serotonin.

A chemical high wasn't enough to explain the surge of attachment I felt on seeing her flushed cheeks pressed against the car window, eyelashes quivering shut with exhaustion.

Love is not two people coming together; love is two people pouring themselves into each other.

Under the guise of Dickinson's poetry, I excused my musings as a side-effect of love, ignoring the rumble of nerves in my stomach when I dropped Blaze home. The blue in her eyes seemed infinite against the faint gleam of the porch light, her pupils dilating in the moonlight.

A montage of stills from the date flickered in my head as she tugged at my collar, pressing her lips against mine. The euphoria that overwhelmed me was unrivalled to any drug I had tasted, exhilaration thickening my blood.

"Good night Rafael." My gaze instantly dropped to Blaze's full lips, becoming redder by the second. Her fingers lingered near my wrists before she pivoted on her heels and slipped into the house.

"Good night." A smile played on my lips long after she left and I suddenly realised I was still standing on her porch like a lovesick puppy.

A string of incoherent curses left my mouth as I made my way back to the car, my gaze deviating to her window on the first floor.

"Stop acting like a budget Romeo," I bashed myself when the flicker of her bedroom light made me smile.

I was absolutely and thoroughly fucked.

All I wanted to do was spend the night curled by her side and talk- about stars and music and the things that made her happy like the perfectly shaped chip and the right soundtrack for every milestone of our relationship.

Since when did I become a Disney prince?

The steady thrum of the engine beneath the floor mat reminded me that I was still in front of her house like a stalker.

Snapping myself out of Blaze's stupor, I veered onto the road, our playlist still blasting from the speakers. My heartbeat had significantly calmed down from its sprint induced by Blaze's touch and my vision streamlined to focus on the zipping traffic in front of me.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath as the light turned red just as I was about to pass it.

My phone screen flashed with a text from Bree, asking about how the date went in all caps.

A smirk tipped at my lips as I typed out a vague reply- amazing.

Instantly, another notification with a string of curses demanding me to supply details appeared on my screen. I dodged her question, rather asking her where she is. Surprisingly, there was no answer for a minute before Bree said that she was out with Travis getting pancakes. At 11 PM?

An idea crept through my mind as I casually asked the shop name and seconds later, the location was inputted to my GPS Navigation.

Time to crash her mini-date.

What good would a brother be if he wasn't an annoying pain in the ass?

Humming a song under my breath, I drove towards the store location and parked right in front of the blaring neon sign. I noticed a picture of a stack of colourful pancakes that promised to deliver a mouthful of heavenly flavours.

Something Blaze would definitely fall for.

A smile perked on my lips at the memory of her getting excited over the most bizarre of things, like frosted waffle cones and heart shaped churros.

Once I stepped inside, my gaze narrowed at the absence of Bree and Travis in the cosy outlet.

"Liars," I murmured under my breath as I slipped out of the store and texted Bree, pretending to already have reached home. Her answer came instantly, claiming that she was still eating pancakes.

My sight travelled around the sparsely populated strip of restaurants and stores, the chatter in the air a mere whisper.

Just as I was about to abandon my plan to annoy Bree, a car parked in the murky shadow of an oak tree caught my gaze. My shoes grazed against the concrete as I ambled over to the vehicle owned by Travis, the number plate confirming my suspicion.

Suspicion churned in my stomach as I peered closer. I wished I could drown my eyes in bleach after I saw them making out through the rear window.

A flare of protective anger shot through my veins as I knocked vigorously on the glass closest to Travis, his brown eyes widening simultaneously with Bree.

"Hey." Bracing my forearm against the upper frame of the car, a humourless grin cut across my lips.

"Oh, hey man." Travis' voice pitched higher, a thin sheen of sweat beading on his forehead, the wrinkled state of his clothes making my jaw tense.

"Hey, big brother." Bree furled her fingers in a sheepish wave, her free hand patting down her mussed hair.

"How were the pancakes?"

"Great." The squeak came from Travis as he drummed his fingers on his thigh, drawing my vision to his unfastened zipper.

"Fucking hell." I dragged my fingers down my face, regretting not having minded my business and just left, keeping my sanity intact and unscarred.

"What?" Travis asked, confusion prevalent on his face.

"Your fly's open."

"Oh." Dipping his head low, I looked away as Travis fumbled to get himself to look presentable.

"Why are you here?" Bree interrupted, throwing me fiery daggers with her eyes.

"Definitely not to see you two dry humping," I drawled out dryly, instigating a meek smile from Travis.

"How did your date go?" Trav changed the topic, his Adam's Apple bobbing nervously.

"Good."

"Details?" Bree seemed to forget her animosity towards me as she sprawled over Travis to curiously ask through the window.

"I'll tell you on the way home." A grin perked on my lips as she narrowed her eyes.

"I'm not coming home yet."

"Fine, no details then."

"You're such a fucking bitch," Bree huffed angrily, gathering her stuff from the backseat as Travis' gaze burned with bewilderment.

"What? You're going to leave me like this?" My teeth grated together as he called out to Bree who had stepped out of the car, gesturing towards his lower region.

"Look dude, you're great. Taffie's first date holds a little more priority right now." My brows creased as she patted his cheek and placed a kiss on his lips.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one surprised by her uncharacteristic show of affection as Travis' mouth hung open in shock.

"Since when do you kiss him?" My grumble was met with a raised brow from Bree as flicked me on the forehead.

"Of course I kiss him, what kind of a dumb question is that?" She muttered, twirling the keyring on her index finger.

"Never seen you kiss the crazy dude. Haven't you been dating for quite a bit?" I shrugged, prodding an elbow to her ribs.

"Yes, we have. I'm just not cool with doing it in public, some things are rather private." A devilish smirk elevated her mouth and a cold bout of irritation gripped me.

"Good for you."

"You're cool with me dating your best friend? That's progress." The sarcasm on Bree's face made me grimace and I shrugged.

"If progress means I don't want to decapitate a limb, or give him a good, old black eye every time I see you two together, then yeah I'm doing great."

"Good thing your opinion doesn't matter. But, I'm glad to know you won't be turning Travis into a paraplegic anytime soon."

Of course I was cool with them dating, despite my earlier objection. Travis was my best friend, better than any other guy out there. It was just fun to keep them on their toes.

"I'm driving." Before I could object, Bree grabbed the keys and sprinted to the car, flinging herself into the driver's seat.

"Get out, now." By the time I made it to the car, she had already turned on the ignition with a sinister smirk.

"No."

"You drive terrible." It was a wonder she had passed the test, considering the only thing she knew how to use was the accelerator.

"No, I don't."

"I wouldn't trust you with a tricycle, Bree, let alone a car."

"It's Dad's car, so it's my turn to use it now." One hand lingered over the gear lever and I glowered at her before getting into the passenger seat.

As soon as I was strapped in, she shifted the lever to drive and sharply turned onto the road.

My jaw clenched as I watched the gears automatically ramp up as her speed increased, her painfully loud rock playlist making my ears bleed.

"You're going to get a ticket," I lowered the volume, noticing the numbers rack up on the speedometer.

"You're a bore." A pout creased her lips as her foot eased off the accelerator.

I sunk back onto my seat in relief, the haze of the warm streetlights bouncing on the hood of the car.

"Now, tell me about your date," Bree piped up, an excited smile beaming on her lips.

"Like I said, it went amazing." The hunger for details dominated Bree's face as I bit back a grin.

"I'll floor the accelerator if you don't tell me everything."

"Oh, so we're doing death threats now?"

"Just tell me."

"Well, I don't really know what to say, it was fun and we had a great time." The back of my neck tingled as I rubbed awkwardly at it.

"You love her so much that you're speechless?" Bree's satisfied smirk widened as she made a sharp turn to the left.

"Something like that."

"Damn Taffie, you're growing up. Soon you'll be getting married and having babies." She pretended to wipe a fake tear while halting at a red light.

"Travis is rubbing off on you, you're being a drama diva," I grumbled, swiping among my photos to pull up some mementos from our date.

"You two are adorable together." Bree fawned over the pictures, commenting about how hot Blaze looked.

"How'd you manage to date her again?" Her tone adopted a teasing lilt.

"Oh, I'm just made of perfection," I sarcastically dragged out.

"It's the family gene." Pretending to dust lint off her shoulder, a sly look overtook her face.

"How was the movie?" She was the one who had picked it, not surprising considering the amount of gore it had.

"I don't know, my focus was somewhere else."

"Damn." A low whistle bristled past her lips.

"Living my best life, right?" I grinned as she wiggled her brows, hauling her foot off the brake as the light turned green.

"Well, I'm happy for you," she cleared her throat awkwardly, as if the thought of affectionate gestures made her nauseous.

"Thank you." Even though Bree was terrible at communication, I knew her words ran deeper. And maybe I shared the same shitty wiring because I was glad she was happy with Travis, even though I wouldn't say it out loud.

I narrated the details of my date during the rest of the drive home while she managed to keep her leaden foot off the accelerator.

"When's the second date?" Bree asked, maneuvering the car into the driveway.

"Blaze is keen on planning it." The smile that crossed my lips was full of humour as I remembered her persistence on organising our next date.

"Fair enough," Bree nodded.

"At least you're good at parking," I muttered, getting out of the car.

"Your face looks quite punchable right now." Bree's threat made my teeth gleam in a jaw aching grin as I ruffled the top of her hair.

"No canoodling on the date right?" She attempted to mimic Dad's voice as we began walking towards the house, the moonlight bestowing a stunning finale to the beautiful night.

"Define canoodling."

"Your version or mine? We're quite different." A snarky grin tilted on her lips and I captured her in a playful chokehold.

"I'll get Travis to hurt you," she gritted out and a scoff left my throat.

"Let's be real, I would win that fight hands down."

"Don't underestimate my man." Bree shoved me to the side, a challenging glare in her eyes.

"Travis' weapon of choice would probably be terrible jokes." A deafening round of chuckles drifted out of my mouth and Bree joined in, the sound of our laughter igniting the air.

"Speaking of dates..." Her voice became breathless as she fought back another fit, motioning towards the black heels near our shoe cabinet on the porch.

"You think Dad brought a date home?" A strange, reminiscent feeling pricked in my chest as I glanced at the new addition of footwear.

"He knew the two of us weren't going to be home until late tonight." Bree's face lit up with understanding.

Maybe we'd finally get to meet the person with who he'd be going on all the 'business' dinners with.

"Our old man's getting it." Our shared grins broke out into suppressed laughter as we removed our shoes, anticipation welling in my stomach.

"This is going to be fun," Bree rubbed her palms together, our childish excitement charging the atmosphere.

Dad, of all people, deserved to move on.

As soon as we stepped past the foyer, tiptoeing like the goddamn Spy Kids, the sound of feminine laughter glided through the air like a whiff of nostalgia.

Once again, a faint trace of recognition hummed in the back of my mind but Bree's enthusiasm pushed my doubts to bay.

"Do we act cool or embarrass him?" She grabbed my sleeve and tugged me back, away from the kitchen which was the source of the chatter.

"He embarrassed us with Blaze and Travis. So, we do the same."

"I have the perfect idea." A plotting smirk lifted Bree's mouth as she whispered in my ear. I nodded, taking a step towards the kitchen as Bree trailed behind.

"Hey, Papa Poppins." Bree's merry greeting was cut short when the familiarity of the woman seated beside him seeped into my brain.

The grin was knocked right off my lips when I saw her face, our shared green eyes and terrible memories.

Teresa.

Dad's smile slackened into a look packed with guilt and surprise, eyebrows pinched together in apprehension.

"What the actual fuck?" As Bree cursed, Dad seemed to snap out of his reverie, his finger tightening around the marble countertop.

My sight was still stuck on the woman I hadn't seen in almost three years, the torment of her words still raining down on me like she never left.

"Do not swear, Aubree."

"That's what you're focusing on right now? Not the fact that this terrible excuse of a mother is in our house?" Anger rippled through Bree's voice as she immediately turned offensive, slashing through the atmosphere like a sharpened sword.

"Watch your mouth," Dad's jaw pulsed, his eyes contracting in warning as he took a few steps forward.

"What the hell is she even doing here?" Bree ignored him, glowering at our mother and a reel of memories struck me like a jag of lightning amongst a stormy night.

At Bree's question, Dad was unable to procure an answer, his silence catalysing Bree's rage.

Emotions are weak, Rafael.

When I cried myself to sleep, night after night, upon being locked in Cairo's room.

Your sister's dead because of you.

Flashbacks of empty syringes and crushed pills adorning the living room table instead of magazines and décor saturated my vision.

The insults that riddled my young bones like bullets circled my thoughts like vultures, feeding off my rising anxiety.

"Teresa's here to help with your brother's case," Dad cleared his throat, casting a sweeping glance towards me.

I had forgotten about the case entirely, disillusioned that Dad had everything figured out.

Of course not.

I fisted my shaking hands, loathing the tremors that sizzled through my nerves. Bree's gaze slid over to me, instantly noticing my tightened knuckles and concern overpowered her face. I hated it, the worry and sympathy.

"We don't need her here." Steel hardened Bree's tone, her frosty glare fixated on the woman whose gaze I couldn't even meet.

"I missed you kids." A voice broke through the increasing tension, it's lost tone buried in the graves of past nightmares.

My gaze cleared, landing on my mother, her words still echoing in my skull.

I missed you kids.

A thread of longing weaved through my stomach and instantly, it was counteracted by rage.

She destroyed our family.

Her features slowly sharpened through the fog induced by my mind, memories associated with the familiar face of an unfamiliar person.

Teresa's sage green eyes, identical to mine, were hollow and sunken in, the edges creased with wrinkles . Her once smooth, flawless olive skin now looked like thin paper dried over a skeleton, fractured with stress lines and the curved indentations of bones. Veins slightly popped near her pallid forehead, her stringy hair brushing past her shoulder blades.

Even through the dim light, it was impossible to miss the slight tremble of Teresa's hands as she clasped them weakly, a side-effect of the constant drug abuse probably.

It looked like she had aged a decade in the past couple of years.

"Wish I could say the same, there was nothing worth missing." My eyes shot to Bree as her infuriated words rang through the silence.

"That is enough, Aubree." The amplitude of Dad's voice elevated, a current of fury coasting through his eyes.

"No, it's fine. They have every right to be angry with me." A forced smile twisted on Teresa's lips, making them stretch over a set of gleaming teeth. A mouth easily capable of spewing noxious insults as dishing out fabricated lies.

It was impossible not to notice the major differences in her appearance since I saw her last, yelling at me as Dad admitted her into Rehab.

She'll be back soon.

What a terrible lie to tell your 14-year-old kid.

"Tell me mother, was it easy for you to snort lines on the coffee table instead of helping us do homework? Or was slipping a needle full of drugs before dinner the more horrifying memory?" Bree's words sliced like a dagger to the skin, ripping apart wounds, old and new.

The sound of empty pill containers and rolling alcohol bottles collided against my skull, unlocking a dormant flashback.

One where my mother had overdosed for the first time, the panic in my voice after calling the ambulance still thick after years.

Bree hadn't witnessed it, she was blissfully unaware at a school workshop whereas I had stayed home sick.

I still remembered the worry and guilt on Dad's face as he had rushed home from a work trip hours later and the numbness in my ribcage as the realisation of my mother almost dying settled in.

"Go to your room, Aubree." The thunder in Dad's voice made Bree clench her jaw, her angry tirade pausing.

My speechlessness continued as I was unable to drag myself out of the whirlwind raging in my skull.

"You don't know half of the shit she's done to us, to Rafael." Concern dilated the brown rings of Bree's eyes, her cheeks turning hot with displeasure.

Dad didn't know about my locked nights in Cairo's room or the extent of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother besides the drug-addled accusations of being a murderer.

Dad's eyes shifted to meet mine, a distant tenderness in them as he composed himself, his lips thinning.

"I know sorry isn't even the beginning of the apology that you two deserve," Teresa interrupted, her voice a thick mixture of guilt and fear. It was nausea-inducing, enough to make me want the earth to swallow me whole.

I didn't want an apology, I wanted all the ruined years of my life back. I wanted to experience life without a mother addicted to something that she would never get enough of. I wanted to forget the days where I watched her wither away into nothing and be helpless about it.

"What we deserve is to have you out of our life," Bree snapped, balling her hands into fists.

"Saying I'm a terrible mother isn't enough, I'm not a mother at all." A whisper of yearning echoed through my mind, aching for a normal family, the one we had before Cairo passed. I brushed the irrational emotion away, unease choking my throat.

"That's right. You lost that privilege the day you chose your damn pills instead of your children." Every insult of Bree's seemed to pass through Teresa as she nodded grimly.

Dad watched the exchange sharply, anger simmering under his gaze as he turned towards Bree.

"It was a difficult time for our family. I'm not asking you to forgive your mother, just listen to her." The calmness in his tone was a ruse, the command disguised as a gentle sentence.

"And I'm asking you to get her to leave this fucking house before she ruins everything again." The crack in Bree's voice reverberated in my head, matching all the fissures that were slowly cleaving through my heart.

I gripped her elbow in a vise grip, the tears that brimmed her eyes evoking anger inside me.

"She's leaving right now or we are." My gaze flickered to Teresa briefly before landing on Dad, who pursed his lips, his eyes crinkling with frustration.

"You look different, Rafael." A wan smile curved Teresa's lips as she ignored the clear animosity in the atmosphere, her eyes inspecting the two of us.

You made me different, ruined the childhood I was supposed to cherish. I wanted to scream it out, release the confined insults yet they remained glued to my throat.

"As do you, Aubree. You two are all grown up now." As someone who was on the receiving end of her criticism frequently as a kid, it was impossible to miss her poorly veiled disapproval.

My eyes coasted over to the dinner table and anger surfed through me as I noticed the wine glasses surrounded by a stack of papers.

"Glad to know you two were having yourselves a party here." Dad looked taken aback as I snapped at him, the muscles in my hands cording tight with the urge to break something.

"There's no need to read into something that was simply a dinner." Whatever relationship I had built over the past few months with Dad hung in the balance with every ignorant statement he made.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have lied about these simple dinners to us." The fiery pit in my stomach overflowed as a sense of betrayal sunk in.

"And maybe you shouldn't have beaten up a goddamn dealer while high." Dad's eyes flared with rage which quickly died down when the implication of his words struck home. Before we could lapse into silence, Bree glowered, a bout of venom projecting on her face.

"Don't yell at him. Who the hell brought the dealer home?" The sheen of tears in her eyes made my stomach retch and roll with nerves.

That man deserved every punch and injury he got, even more. Just thinking about that afternoon made my blood curdle with anger.

As I filed those memories away, I saw my mother's eyes latched onto me, assessing and vacant.

I tried to find any semblance of maternal love or affection, maybe even guilt. But her emotions had been locked down years ago, it was difficult to decipher them now.

"We don't care why she's here, but get this, Dad. If you think it's worth ruining whatever remaining relationship you have with your kids, go ahead." The frostiness in my tone was a ruse to hide the blend of emotions chipping at my composure.

"We never needed you and we're sure as fuck not starting now." Bree's darkened stare was directed towards Teresa, identical to the ones I received from her years ago, bitter and unsympathetic.

"That's enough," Dad snapped, a vein popping near his neck and I could see the small tremble in Bree's arm as I tugged her back towards me.

"You two have crossed too many lines today and your lack of manners is beyond me."

"That's what happens when you have absent parents." Bree's snark thrived in the presence of Dad's wrath and his gaze turned glacial.

"I want all your electronics on my desk in ten minutes or else I'll get them myself." I squeezed Bree's wrist, hoping she would quit the argument. It wasn't worth it, not when he wasn't willing to understand.

Of course she didn't listen.

"Crossing lines? Pretty rich coming from you guys when one parent disappears for months and the other loves to sniff drugs like they're oxygen." A trigger toppled in my brain, launching the burning image of my mother unconscious on the floor.

The ambulance sirens and muffled crying, rushed instructions and numb thoughts.

"Aubree, enough. Go to your room right now." I jolted back to the present as Dad yelled, reminding me of the screaming matches between my parents after Cai's death.

"You weren't there for anything, you didn't see what we saw, what Rafael went through all that time. You didn't care then and I doubt that you do now." It was then that Bree broke down, her syllables breaking and eyes blurring.

She never cried, especially in front of anyone else.

A surge of concern, protectiveness and rage overpowered me as the salty tears trekked down her cheeks. My fingers felt like they would break from clenching too hard and Dad's eyebrows furrowed in a hint of worry.

Before I could console her, she brushed past me towards the stairs, the sound of her breathless crying invigorating the rage fermenting in my bones.

"You messed up, worse than other times. You're just as terrible as the monster beside you." The sentence left my lips as a sneer, and Dad's jaw ticked.

"Your mother is here to help with your case." Robotic and curt.

"I don't give a fuck about the goddamn case." My voice bordered a shout and I could feel Teresa's keen gaze locked on my face.

"We care about you, Raf." The sickening lie in her voice made me halt.

"Wish I could say the same, Teresa. You should've stayed in whatever ignorant bubble you've been for all this time." The bitter smile on my lips made her own thin to a strip.

"Rafael, stop it." Dad's fist came down on the dinner table, the aftershocks rippling through the atmosphere.

The urge to test his temper limits won over and I shrugged casually, my terse shoulders spasming from the movement.

"Glad to know our fucked up family is back together like the old times. Maybe I should call my dealer for a celebratory gram."

The lines on Dad's face hardened but before he could get a word out, my humourless smirk dropped to a glower as I stormed out the room.

The soles of my feet boomed against the hardwood stairs, my ribs burning with anger and hurt as the events of the past ten minutes solidified in my head. The feeling of being blindsided sunk into my bones, moulding into resentment.

A shiver nicked across my spine as I halted in front of Bree's bedroom door, concern eating away at my gut. I creaked the door open after hearing no reply to a knock, composing myself with a deep breath. The last thing I needed was to lose myself in a flood of unwarranted emotions.

Emotions are weak.

The whisper of Teresa's voice faded to the recesses of my mind as I noticed Bree's frenzied state, her hands frantically shovelling clothes into a duffle bag.

"What are you doing?" My calmness was a shield to the turmoil building in my bones.

"I'm staying at Travis' for a few days and he said you should come too." Bree's voice was heavy with hurt, a stark contrast to her usual loud and cutting tone.

A part of me wanted to convince her to stay and show Dad that it didn't affect us, that Teresa was nothing but a fleeting phantom of the past. However, running away from problems was a characteristic trait of our family.

"It's fine, you should go." The strained smile made my teeth ache with it's fabrication.

Bree hesitated, her bloodshot eyes quivering as they landed on me.

"I didn't know she'd be back, Raf." The shudder in her voice matched the uncertainity of her steps as she advanced towards me, wrapping her arms around me in a rare hug.

My spine stiffened as silence clogged my throat. I rested my chin slowly on Bree's head, the ability to form comforting words escaping me.

The piercing sensation returned in my heart, the magnetic field of memories colliding with my slipping cold front. Misery ripped through me as I fought against the current of returning trauma, my torso aching with the pain of the unhealed scars.

"It'll be fine." We both knew how hollow my words sounded and Bree pulled away roughly, rubbing at her eyes wildly.

"No, it won't be. She's going to fuck up everything." She motioned one arm around haphazardly.

As my gaze struggled to meet hers, I noticed Bree was fidgeting with the edges of her sleeve, rubbing at her wrist.

"I can't handle being around her again, Raf." One nail dug into the flesh and the reminder of her hurting herself years ago because of Teresa flashed in my head. My posture became resolute, jaw clenching with anger.

"You won't. Stay at Trav's house for now, I'll talk to Dad." The responsibility to shelter her from any potential triggers kicked in, even though a fresh tide of anxiety sheared through my body.

"How do you feel?" Bree's attention suddenly shifted, sensing the stress capturing my body.

"I'm fine, how else was I going to be?" The bitter laugh scratched my throat as I looked away, pretending her band posters were the most interesting thing in the room.

"Quit lying." Bree's eyes tapered into slits, challenging me to fib again. Silence descended upon us, my knuckles aching from clenching tightly over hollow air.

"I'm not okay." Before my brain could comprehend the admission, the words left my voicebox.

Bree's gaze softened with empathy, tears swelling near her waterline. I reprimanded myself for the lapse in judgement, hearing Teresa's voice repeating like a broken vinyl in my head.

Emotions are weak.

Self-loathing ran wild in me, spreading it's wounded wings until they sliced across whatever confidence I had conjured.

"I'm so sorry." Bree's arms coiled around me again, sniffles vibrating against my chest and my breathing constricted. Words weren't enough to articulate the gulf of emotions swirling inside me- agony, rage, guilt and a thousand variants in between.

"She'll go away soon, right?" Hope precipitated in my tone and the shallow inhale of Bree's breath and the consecutive silence raised goosebumps on the back of my neck, fear mounting in me.

"Yeah, of course or we'll figure something out." The hollowness of Bree's voice was proof that she was as lost and blindsided as me. I pushed aside my vulnerable emotions, caging them behind mental bars.

"Okay."

My past was saturated with memories of fearing my own mother, crying through the night after being yelled at for simply existing. Of days spent wishing I could escape into another dimension, hoping that Cairo would be there. Of seeing Teresa wither away like a rotting flower in Winter, her addiction eating away at her flesh and soul.

Moments glided by as Bree reluctantly unwound her arms, noticing the guarded aura surrounding me.

"You can talk to me, Raf." Her eyelashes were damp with tears, cheeks splotchy with their remains.

"There's nothing to talk about, Bree." It came out harsher than I intended, the impact whipping across her face in the form of a trembling frown.

"Should I drop you off at Trav's house?" My change of subject was welcomed with a jerky shake of Bree's head as she turned away, her hands fishing through her closet to pack the remaining things in her bag.

"He's coming to pick me up at the corner. Are you sure you don't want to come too?" A plea gleamed in her watery eyes.

"I'll be fine here." What was supposed to be a reassuring smile morphed into an unsure grimace.

"I just want you to talk to me, Raf."

"There's nothing to talk about, Bree." Even though it was coated with conviction, Bree's stance told me she knew I was lying. She hesitated before dropping the subject, thankfully.

"Give my phone to Dad, he can keep it." Anger skimmed across her features and I shook my head.

"Are you crazy? You're not going anywhere without your phone." The hardness of my voice was met with a bleak smile as Bree shouldered her bag.

"Yes to the first part and no to the second."

"Keep it," I glowered, crossing my arms across my chest.

Our stare off lasted for all of ten seconds before Bree shrugged, shoving her phone into her pocket.

"Just... don't do anything stupid, okay?" Bree's bottom lip shook, her posture plagued with concern.

"I'm not going to fuck things up because of her." Vitriol wrecked my carefully crafted indifference, my muscles aching for a violent release.

"Okay." A meek smile waded across her mouth as she crossed the distance of the room, halting in front of the door.

"When is Trav coming to pick you up?" I cleared my throat.

"Right now." Her fingers turned pale against the bag straps, knuckles tensing.

My throat turned scratchy, the thought of being alone with my fucked up mind causing my pulse to escalate.

"Are you sure you'll be fine by yourself?" The concern in her voice turned my fear into a rapid flash of anger, my jaw ticking in frustration.

"Yes." Bree must've sensed the finality in my tone as she didn't press it, instead shuffling on her feet awkwardly.

"Well, I'll leave through the back door," she murmured.

"Don't get caught." A playful smirk twisted on my lips.

"I can do this in my sleep. You never found out, so Dad won't." Bree grinned smugly, quirking her head to the side.

"How many times have you sneaked out before?" Failing to hide the astonishment in my voice, I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Later, dumbass." With a sleek wave of her wrist and a secretive smirk, she slipped out of the room, the sound of her footsteps fading out by the second.

As soon as Bree left, a switch collapsed in my body as fear cramped my lungs, the walls morphing until they felt like they caved in on me. Blood gurgled in my ears as I stumbled out of Bree's room and into my own, my awareness turning fuzzy and scattered.

Panic sedimented into my core, granules of fear beading deep into my bones as I collapsed onto my bed, the events of the past hour slowly slotting into place in my head.

Teresa was back.

Her insults, her torture- it would all be back.

All rationality escaped me, my thoughts turning into parasites that sucked the energy right out of my cells.

Triggers that I didn't know existed were now activated and blaring like emergency sirens in my veins.

"Stop." I ordered myself to shut the chaos down, to vanquish all the darkness that returned to my brain. A vise fastened around my ribs, compressing my organs until they turned into a puddle of anxiety and scorching fear.

"No." Even as I directed myself to stop the havoc in my head, it continued. My fingernails embedded into my palms, mild pain plummeting through my body.

Adding to the anguish boiling in my head, my vision became speckled with black spots, colours blurring together in a chromic bokeh of dancing lights.

My jacket collar felt like a tourniquet around my neck, the clothes on my body like restraints binding me to the internal torment.

"Fuck." As I attempted to shrug off my jacket, my arm got caught in the sleeve, causing frustration to wind up my throat. A hint of Blaze's perfume drifted off it, reminding me of the only good thing in my life.

It was all going to go to ruins again now that Teresa was back.

The inevitable feeling of destruction simmered like a boiling pot inside me, molten anger and hurt rushing in my arteries.

With leaden footsteps, I barely made it to my bathroom before keeling over the sink, dry heaving into the ceramic bowl. The intense burning in my throat matched that of my heart, as if lava had suddenly formed in my gut, singeing through my insides.

I needed to calm down.

My control continued to slip like loose sand between my fingers as I stripped off the remaining of my clothes and turned the shower knob, cold water assaulting me from the overhead shower.

Emotions warred inside me, fighting for recognition behind the stone wall I was trying to resurrect, the same barrier that had come crashing down on seeing my mother back in my life after years.

I felt like a lost child again, waiting for something, anything to remind me that it would all be fine.

My thoughts took the shape of my damaged past, hazy flashbacks and dim nightmares of the grief birthed from my mother's addiction.

The same addiction running in my bones.

Something salty spread over my tongue and I froze, realising they were my own tears.

Emotions are weak.

My mother's voice creeped in the shower stall like a spirit of yesteryear. As if were the same day she yelled at me for breaking down after another day of disappearing white lines of cocaine, the tears rolled faster.

I hated it.

I fucking loathed it.

Rubbing at my cheeks till they ached, my breathing ebbed and flowed, my lungs leaping into overdrive to make up for the lost oxygen.

Not another panic attack. Not now.

It felt like a downpour of too many feelings at once- anger, disappointment, heartache.

They all birthed claws and lacerated my ribcage, chipping at the carved bones until they bent under the pressure of merely existing.

The blunt ends of my fingernails dug deeper into my palms, the crescents oozing blood that dripped onto the swirling drain. As the water diluted the crimson fluid, my head swum with the darkness, each breath like a jagged ball in my throat.

Like glass shards piercing soft skin, each second in this panic-ridden state of mind branded me with the same reminder of my weakness.

Emotions were weak.

Somehow, I couldn't stop crying, an acidic sensation blazing through my stomach as the cold water chilled me to the core.

Yet, it did nothing to disarm the roiling feelings in my chest, they continued to thrive under my misery. In a moment of weakness, I slammed my open palm against the shower tiles, hoping for something, someone to notice that I was falling apart completely.

The only answer I was greeted by was the sound of my own harsh breathing.

No one was going to be there for me.

Reality made my anxiety simmer down mildly. Numbness settled in gradually as I shut off the shower, and with it my temporary lapse in emotional strength.

My consciousness was muddled as I wrapped a towel around my hips. My sodden footprints trailed towards my closet and I tugged my pajamas across my damp skin.

I crouched down in front of the bottom shelf, digging through the pile of my disregarded belongings. The tremble in my fingers intensified as they latched on to the metal box before I dragged it out.

In it was everything that I had boxed in, forgotten dreams and objects alike.

As I lifted the lid, an abstract feeling of guilt surged through me. It was fleeting yet I held onto it to make myself suffer.

The box was filled to the rim with mementos of another life altogether, and my eyes seared with the threat of another breakdown.

The first thing that I noticed was Cairo's favourite toy, a tiny dinosaur with teeth that flashed red on pressing a button.

After years of being discarded, it didn't even work yet I still pressed the button, hoping it would provide a connection between what was lost and what I needed.

A bracelet that Bree had made when we were eight was under it, colourful beads spelling out 'familly'. She had spelt it wrong but I had worn it every day as long as it fit me.

Family, what a fucking joke.

Other objects like a Christmas greeting card with our faces and a childhood DVD which held a treasure chest of every sibling's milestones.

I couldn't stomach seeing what I had lost, what my mother had torn apart.

Time ticked by as I rummaged through the box stained with blissful yet torturous memories.

When I reached the bottom, I saw a stack of photographs that made my pulse skyrocket. Family pictures of the five of us, baby pictures of Cairo and the rest of us playing with her.

One glance at Cairo's glimmering green eyes and I felt the guilt take flight in my gut.

Everyone looked so happy, Bree's cheeks beamed with joy and Dad's brown irises glinted with satisfaction, as if his family completed him. One particular picture of Teresa and me made my heart pinch, she looked amused by the flour that I had accidentally spilled on myself after a failed baking attempt at seven. She looked completely different as she rested her head on my hair- sober and content.

She would never look at me like that again.

The realisation struck me light a bolt of electricity I dropped the entire box to the floor as if it had blistered me to my core.

My heart rate became erratic as I slumped against the edge of the bed, fingers clenching around the heavy air.

I needed an escape.

Something. Someone.

The edges of my vision were murky again as I reached for my phone, deliberating between the two contacts my finger hovered over.

Christoph, my dealer or Blaze.

With every passing second, the tide of voices in my ears grew wilder until all I could hear were the echo of my flaws.

Without much deliberation, I clicked on Blaze's contact and heard the ringing until her dreamy voice filled the speaker.

"Wow, Raffie Taffie. I can't believe you miss me already." Her playful tone relieved some of the pressure on my chest.

"Hey, Raf. What's wrong?" When I couldn't summon the courage to speak, worry filtered through her voice.

"Rafael?" Blaze speaking my name should've felt perfect, full of warmth. Yet all I could hear were my mother's taunts and my self-crafted depreciating comments.

Rafael, you killed your sister.

Rafael, you're worthless.

Rafael, you're a murderer.

It became difficult to grasp reality as the lines grew bleary. What part of that was my own thinking and which was my mother's?

"Raf, I'm here." Blaze's voice shattered the storm of painful words and I dug my teeth into my bottom lip until I tasted blood.

"My mother's back."

I heard a sharp intake of breath as the silence stretched, the sound of Blaze's dense breathing distorting the speaker.

"Do you want to meet and talk about it?" She was speaking to me as if I was a fragile flower, capable of wilting at the slightest wind.

"No." It came out harsher than I intended.

"Then, let's talk over the phone, yeah?" I was silent at her suggestion, still suspended in limbo.

"I hate that she's back, Raf. She doesn't deserve to see you even for a second. But that doesn't change how far you've come since she left, okay?" Blaze's reassurances were like a numbing agent to the affliction in my body.

"She was here. Dad and her were drinking." Even though I sounded robotic, betrayal flooded my insides.

How could he even think about spending time with her after everything she had done to our family?

"I'm sorry, Raf," she exhaled loudly and I could picture her nibbling on her lower lip, her anxious tic. "Is she still there?"

"I don't know."

"What's going on in your head right now? Do you want to talk about it?" It was a gentle push yet I seemed rooted in a state of paralysis.

"Everything's happening and I feel nothing."

It was a partial lie, my emotions were oscillating between chilling anxiety and dull numbness.

"It's okay, I get that. It must feel like everything's going to get worse now." Yes.

I was silent because the things I wanted to say were too much for words.

"But you know that's not going to happen, Raf. I'm here for you and whatever is messing up your mind right now, we'll get through it together."

Like the soft murmur of waves on a shoreline, her voice crashed into my defences, crumbling them gently.

"I'm...scared." It was difficult to pinpoint where my fears lay, the potential my mother had to fuck up my life had no bounds.

"I know you are, Raf. I wish I could be there right now." I wish she were here too.

Suddenly, I heard my mother's voice in my head again, like a recurring melody.

Emotions are weak.

The vulnerability I was showing Blaze was just another example of how I had failed to handle my own problems.

As if sensing my shift in mood, she spoke urgently.

"Whatever you think you're doing wrong right now, you aren't. It's just your mind, Raf." I hated how I was struggling between hanging up and letting her drag me back to my senses.

The silence thickened and the speaker buzzed with static.

"I love you, Raf." I didn't deserve to hear those words, they were just a consolation to mend my fucked up heart.

"I need to go." The curt reply earned me another shaky breath from Blaze.

"No, wait.." Before she could complete her sentence, I hung up.

I was a victim to the void in me.

It felt like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, dangling between grabbing a lifeline or jumping in head first.

In the background, I heard my phone buzzing again, it was probably Blaze. My feet worked of their own accord as I paced the room, unsure of how to release the emotions brewing in my body.

The constant noise from my phone went on, text notifications filling the screen, yet I felt dazed and gripped by a need to leave somewhere.

My eyes caught on the sliver of moonlight slashing across the floor and I stilled.

With numb fingertips, I slid the balcony door open and welcomed the night breeze that ruffled the fabric of my thin cotton tee.

It was weird how the night sky seemed barren like my mind right now, save for a few scattered clusters of stars.

"Hey, Cai," I gripped the railing tightly until my knuckles hurt, loathing how cracked my voice sounded.

The silence that followed somehow calmed me.

"Your mum's back." Cairo was my sister yet I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge Teresa as my own mother.

"I don't know what to do." The admission loosened some of the weight off my chest.

Then, it all came spilling out- the turmoil in my stomach and darkness spilling in my head. The way everything seemed destined for a catastrophe now and the loneliness sweeping through my chest.

I recalled memories and nightmares alike, speaking for what seemed like an eternity.

The anxiety gradually shed away, leaving a residue of detachment. I hadn't noticed I'd been crying until a cool gust of wind chilled the tears tracks on my face.

The resentment I harboured for both myself and Teresa returned with full force. So, I did the one thing that was my only outlet for now.

I talked to the stars.

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The first peak of the morning came through the open balcony door, beams of golden sunlight slanting near the foot of my bed.

My eyelids felt swollen and my sinuses heavy as I propped up on my elbows, an ache spreading through my back and neck.

As I glanced at the time, I realised I had missed school. Not like I was going anyway.

One look at my phone screen and I switched it off, the excessive messages and missed calls from Blaze and everyone else making me grimace.

I had no recollection of getting back to my bed after the long night yesterday but as I brushed my teeth, the events finally sunk in.

Teresa came back.

Bree left for Travis' house.

I hung up on Blaze.

I talked with Cairo.

A headache thumped in my skull as I took a quick shower, still figuring out how to go about my day.

Just as I finished getting dressed, a thought seized me. Had Teresa stayed the night? How long had her and Dad been talking before Bree and I got home? Were they back together?

As the seconds passed, my questions grew more panicked and I took a deep breath.

I had no other option but to push these feelings away.

It took all my energy to simply leave the room and make it downstairs, only to be met with an empty house.

The air was leaden with the hostility of last night as I grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator. The condensation on it's neck cooled my feverish state as I sipped, quenching my parched throat.

Just as I was about to slip back upstairs into my room, Dad appeared in the doorway, a hint of regret edging past his stony expression.

"Where's Bree?" His tone was snappy and I scoffed. Of course he didn't care about me or the fact that he'd been meeting with Teresa in secret.

"I don't know."

"Don't lie to me, Rafael." The set of his jaw sharpened as I glanced away, a lump lodging it's way into my throat.

"Don't act like you care about us." I grabbed a snack from the upper cupboards even though my hunger had died.

"Why is her phone location turned off? How the hell am I supposed to know where she is?" Dad's anger was evident through the rising decibels of his tone.

"Maybe you shouldn't have acted like a complete letdown last night." It was hard to act indifferent when I felt abandoned.

"Don't play smart with me. You call her right now and tell her to get home." His knuckles turned ashen at the constant contractions over the kitchen counter.

"She's at school and probably won't be home for the week. If you want to talk to her, try explaining why you've been sneaking around with your ex-wife." My heartbeat sloped higher as I tried to ditch the rage suffocating me.

"Just because I trust you kids, doesn't mean you violate it. I expect her to be home by tonight." He sounded so confident that his ultimatum would work, Bree loved doing the complete opposite.

"You lost that trust when you brought Teresa back here." The string of control finally snapped as I glowered at him, the mood changing drastically.

"She's your mother, not a stranger who you call by name. That's now how I raised you." Of course he'd take her fucking side.

"She's not my mother because mothers don't do half of the shit she did to us." Drop by drop, all the pent up betrayal, anger and disappointment welled into my voice until it got hard to focus.

"And you didn't raise us because you weren't there, not after she started taking drugs or when she used to yell at me for the tiniest inconvenience. Especially not when she overdosed and I had to call the police because I was scared she was dead. You were there for nothing but to remind me of how many times I screwed up."

The acidic burning in my eyes grounded me back to reality and her words played in my head again and again.

Emotions are weak.

Yet right now they seemed to overpower me.

"Bree and I raised ourselves, no one gave a fuck about us. It's like you forgot your other two kids were alive after Cairo died."

Dad couldn't seem to speak, his lips parted in shocked pain but I couldn't care less.

"Rafael, that's not what I intended." His words fell on deaf ears.

"I actually thought you had changed and that you cared. Of course you don't, how can I expect anyone else to?" It was the last thing I could manage to grit out before storming away with an air of fury.

A multitude of emotions captured me as I struggled to keep my breathing in check. Climbing the stairs felt like a Herculean task and as soon as I was in my room, I slumped against the door, yanking at the drenched neckline of my tee.

It should've felt cathartic after releasing some steam. Yet, all I could feel was guilt and anger. At myself and Dad and Teresa, at fucking life.

The roots of my hair burned as I tugged at them, a visceral groan rising up my throat. I needed to divert my mind to other things.

Grabbing my headphones and workout gear, I went downstairs to the gym, noticing my father's absence on the way.

The air conditioning cooled my clammy skin as I turned it on and I inhaled the faint smell of leather. My eyes skirted over the various gym equipment before I picked up a set of dumbbells to start off.

Heavy rock music boomed through my headphones as I channelled all my frustration into warming up.

Every part of my body strained to overpower the excruciating feeling of being the forgotten son yet the first person to catch the blame in this fucked up family.

I didn't know if the salty liquid that edged past the corner of my lips were trails of tears or sweat as the ligaments of my body screamed in protest.

Emotions are weak.

At least I wouldn't feel that way now.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

The sweat glided off my body as a cold stream of water pelted down my bare torso. After an hour of taxing my body doing vigorous exercise, I felt the control slowly seep back.

Dad was nowhere to be seen once I was done with my workout and the afternoon crept by painfully slow.

Bree should've been back from school but I remembered she was staying over at Travis' house. I wanted a safe haven like that, somewhere I could run to once things got bad.

Shaking those thoughts off, I turned off the knob and dried myself off in my room, still feeling lost. What now? The workout was a temporary fix but the everlasting panic in my stomach was nowhere near gone.

It was constant, like an infestation of sorts, eating away at my brittle skeleton.

Exhaustion lay heavy in my bones from the consuming dark thoughts and the fact that I was fighting an internal battle that couldn't be quantified. It was abstract, like the constant cloud of pent up grief overcasting me.

Just as I tugged on a pair of shorts, a knock rapped against my bedroom door.

My eyebrows furrowed in surprise as I grunted my approval to let the person come in, running a hand through my wet hair to tame it down.

The breath in my lungs seized as I saw Blaze lingering near the doorway, a tentative smile perking on her lips.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't summon the strength to return it.

Her hesitation to step into my room made my gut churn as I took a seat on my bed, hyper focusing on the hardwood floor.

"Hey Raf." Blaze's voice was nothing short of a tranquiliser, the smell of her perfume freshening the air.

I simply nodded, unable to meet her gaze.

"I missed you at school." Our proximity increased as she took a spot next to me, her arm grazing mine. I was aware that I was shirtless and looked at the hoodie lying two feet away on my chair.

However, fatigue laced my muscles from the constant battle against the anxiety waiting for an inlet into my body. My lack of breakfast and lunch didn't help either.

As if sensing my thoughts, Blaze placed a container on my thighs.

"I made you fairy bread." From the corner of my eye, I saw her direct that fucking adorable smile towards me. It soon disappeared as I got up, placing the food on my desk with no more than a nod.

"Thanks," I muttered, grabbing my hoodie off the floor and feeling a headache blossoming at the base of my skull.

Her gorgeous blue eyes dipped to my chest, perusing downwards before slowly connecting with mine. A slight flush spread across her cheeks as she swiped at her forehead, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

On any other day, I would've teased her about it and relished in the way she got riled up. However, all I could think about right now were the scars marring my torso and self consciousness and discomfort heated my blood.

"Do you want to talk?" Even though that should've tempted me to open up and release all the dreadful emotions I had conjured up in my head, it didn't.

Rather it triggered a hint of annoyance, I was fucking fine and I'd act like it till it was true.

I shook my head, and her hands clasped together tightly on her lap.

We were barely two feet apart yet the distance between us could be measured in light years.

"Okay, we won't talk about it, how about we do something else? Can you teach me that video game you bought last week?" Her voice promised hope and relief when all I wanted to do was wallow and self-destruct.

"No, I'm busy." Blaze sensed the duress in my tone immediately and her smile morphed into a grin.

"Doing what? Come on, we can just hang out." Her face fell when I glared at her, instantly hating the wave of self-hatred rolling in my stomach.

"What do you want to do?" She spoke significantly softer, her forehead beading with sweat.

I wanted to escape.

I gathered a deep breath, turning my back on her to clean my already neat desk. An obstruction grew in my throat, constricting my ability to breathe. The anxiety in me came in soft swells, receding and crashing.

"Raf how abou-"

"How about you leave?" The silence that followed my harsh words was shattering.

"I'm just worried about you." I slammed my eyes shut, hoping to ward off the misplaced anger and irritation inside me.

No one needed to worry about me, I was doing fine.

"I'm great, you can go now."

Blaze's soft inhale seemed closer to me and I felt the ghost of her fingertips on my back before I reeled away, gripping the edge of the table fiercely.

The tendons in my arm ached with the restraint of not touching her.

"No, you're not." Blaze whispered and I tensed.

Wrangling with my chaotic emotions was draining enough without having her take pity on me.

My posture turned hostile as I stepped away, perching on the edge of the bed as she stood on the opposite corner.

"We don't have to talk but could you please eat something?" The concern in her voice catalysed my short temper.

"No." I gritted out through clenched teeth and noticed her nervously shift on her feet. I just wanted her away from me, from the destruction that followed every aspect of my life.

My pulse tripped as I grappled with the rising typhoon of rage that would transform into an outburst at any moment.

"I know your mum coming back is hard but don't take it out on yourself. She's the bad person here, not you." What should've been comforting only kindled the inferno inside me.

Teresa was nobody's problem but mine, I could handle the aftermath of her arrival. Admitting she had any effect over my life was weak and that was the last thing I wanted to seem like.

"Blaze, just fucking leave." It took everything in me to direct a caustic glare towards her and she winced, her bottom lip shaking.

"Acting like this doesn't hide the fact that you're hurt, Raf." Blaze's fingers twisted around the hem of her top as she held my gaze steadily. My lips twisted into a scathing sneer, my body temperature notching higher until all I could grasp was the heat radiating off my pores.

"Did you not hear me the first time? I don't want you here." Piece by piece, I was wrecking the magic we had created last night during our date, it was evident in the way her shoulders slumped.

"Pushing people away isn't the solution." Her tone took on a note of despair.

"I don't need you to therapize me, Blaze." The dam holding my control collapsed into a rubble of unrest as I snapped at her.

"I'm not trying to do that, I'm just trying to be here for you."

"Don't you get it? I don't fucking need you, is that hard to understand?" The volume of my voice rose along with the exasperation at this situation.

I knew it was irrational to take it all out on her but my brain wasn't working straight and all the wires were fried.

"It is, because last night you were the one who called me and this is me trying to get you through this."

"The last thing I want right now is pity from you." Blaze paused, her eyes analysing my expression until her pupils dilated with understanding.

"This isn't pity, Raf," she took a step forward. "I love you and we're supposed to talk about stuff, not hide it away until you break."

"Don't." The caution in my voice made her halt and drop her hand before it could reach me. I would surrender in this argument at the slightest touch and it wasn't what I wanted.

"Don't act like this." I didn't miss the slight tremor in her voice or the shiver arching down her spine as the tips of her ears turned scarlet.

"Act like what? You said you loved me so this is what I'm like." I ran a hand through my hair, avoiding eye contact as self-hatred swelled in my chest.

"We can't fix things if you're not willing to talk, even for a minute."

"There is no 'we', Blaze." The muscles near my cheeks twitched as I narrowed my eyes, my body humming with rage.

"Don't ruin this." Her soft mumble failed to allay the turmoil brewing in my abdomen.

"I'm the one who's ruining it? By all means, just go ahead and and fucking leave if I'm such a problem."

Blaze straightened her spine at my sardonic answer and glared fiercely. My gaze shifted to the bare wall, my insides roiling with the knowledge of my wounding tendencies.

"Is this how you think it's going to work out? That after every problem we're going to fight?" The iron-clad resolution in her voice should've deterred me from going on but I was too lost in my own anger.

It was a tsunami that engulfed me whole, a current of thrashing emotions that held me prisoner until I succumbed to it's whims.

Every nerve in my body fired a warning to hold my tongue but the high of my outrage was too consuming.

"Goddammit, Blaze. I don't need help with all my problems. I'm not you."

Her face fell as if I had stabbed a dagger in her back and severed her spine, the edge of her eyelids turning watery.

"If this is how you're going to talk to me, the least you can do is look me in the eyes, Rafael." Towards the end, her voice cracked on the syllables of my name as instant guilt stemmed inside me.

I knew I couldn't steal a glance at her because I would crumble, fall apart at the seams right in front of her.

"Look at me, for fuck's sake." Her yell made me startle as my vision turned groggy from the stupor of coming down from my angry tirade.

The agony in Blaze's voice was enough to make my entire body go numb, remorse pooling in the crevices of my skin.

"Fuck you, Raf." She snapped at me and stormed towards the door. With every inch that increased between us, the threads binding our connection frayed, leaving behind a tangled knot of unspoken emotions.

"You can sort our your own fucking issues and I'll deal with mine." My words felt like the final twist to the knife as she shakily turned the knob and left, slamming the door on her way out.

The reverberations of our argument still hung in the air after Blaze was long gone, poisoning my very being.

My nerve endings were tattered and I was burnt out from the consecutive fights, both in my head and in reality that left me feeling just like my mother had intended.

Worthless and an eternal disappointment.

I knew I was a terrible person whose anger held precedence over other feelings and now I had ruined the one good thing in my life. All the memories we had forged yesterday on our date boiled down into this one confrontation. A fight that I created due to my own need to auto-destruct and wreck boundaries.

This, however, felt like a line I had crossed to the point where it couldn't be redrawn.

okay hi. it's been... a very long time. more like months and months to be precise. all i have to say is it's been a really, really difficult time for me in life, both personally and academically. writing wasn't something i could lean to when i was just focused on getting through to the next day. but i really do hope to update regularly, which i am going to try to do. i can't promise i'll be back on all my socials but i will ease back into it.

a huge thank you everyone who reached out and asked about me, it really meant so much to know you guys stuck around enough to care and i'm so grateful for all of you. love y'all so goddamn much.

thoughts on the chapter? it's a really long one to make up for months of not updating.

i feel like my writing isn't up to the par, or maybe it's cause i started after a very long break but hopefully i get the hang of it again, cause i really don't know how to feel about this chapter.

question: what's something on your bucket list?

love
a