"The ashes of my nightmares stuck to my fingertips and I watched as daydreams bloomed from their dust"

❃ B l a z e ❃

t. w: mentions of suicide scene

"Kiara didn't die in a car accident, she killed herself."

As soon as the words left my mouth, Rafael's face contorted with surprise and sympathetic pain. The sage flecks in his eyes swirled, his Adam's apple convulsing in his throat as he struggled to respond to my heavily guarded secret.

"And you lied about this?" No trace of accusation could be detected in his voice, just pure shock. My neck burnt hot as words toppled on top of each other, looking for a way out.

"Yes." It was all I could muster, no excuses, no explanations.

With Aiden gone, I felt burnt out, the short surge of adrenaline dying into an ember.

The striking muscles on Rafael's biceps flexed as he tugged me closer, wrapping his heated arm around my waist. I nestled my face into the side of his neck, the tender skin turning wet from my tears.

Raf didn't offer counterfeit apologies or forced comfort. He just held me as the suppressed grief finally sprung to the surface, bursting forth rigorously in a wave of saline tears.

My hands shook violently around his thin shirt and his lean fingers deftly ran through my hair, massaging my scalp. Aiden's words kept circulating my mind as if they had been dissolved into my blood.

"I'm not a murderer, Rafael." My heavy conscience oppressed my skull, birthing a headache.

"You aren't, baby. I believe you, okay?" A gentle kiss fleeted across my forehead, although, his tone was braided with seething anger.

"Kiara jumped, Raf." Rafael's fingers halted in my hair and he tilted my chin to meet his gaze.

"Did you see it?" Our noses brushed, warm breaths mingling. The question didn't feel intrusive. He knew I needed to finally release the noose of guilt that was tightening and choking me alive.

"I saw everything." As the tears hazed my vision, his fingertips nimbly grazed against the nape of my neck.

"Fuck, Blaze."

"I could've stopped her you know." It wasn't guilt laced, rather factual.

"Don't..." I cut Rafael off before he could say more, drawing away from the comfort of his embrace.

"She was supposed to have dinner with me and Jo that night." I still remembered it crystal clear, the multitude of fights with her before that day. But I always forgave her because she was all I had, the only person I'd known to have stuck around.

I wondered if I would still do the same if she were alive now.

"Kiara ordered us to leave early, that she'd catch up. I thought nothing of it because she was pissed with me." My mind drew resemblances to some of the toxic traits that both Aiden and Kiara shared. The constant mood swings, the sharp retorts, they all bathed in a new light in my head and I didn't like the new realisation.

I reprimanded myself mentally, there was no use speaking ill of the dead.

"We waited for Kay at the restaurant for half an hour after she told us she was on the way. She didn't even pick up our calls." All of them had gone straight to voicemail and I recalled the panic sedimenting in my bones.

Rafael's fingers soothingly rubbed against my pulse point and I steeled myself. I needed to tell someone or I'd fall apart at the seams. I'd only narrated the entire night once to Dr. Lincoln. Even though Jo and Aiden had been there, we had never broached that subject again, it was too raw and bloody to pick apart.

"Then, I got this text from her," I grabbed my phone from my pocket. Scrolling through the messages, I stopped at the last one, the words engraved onto the back of my eyelids.

"I love you, Blaze. Always remember that. I'm sorry."

When I was with Aiden, I'd look at the text every day and guilt myself into believing I deserved what was happening. I deserved every shred of agony, every lasting bruise and every scarring word he spat from his toxic throat.

As I handed the phone to Rafael, I didn't peek at the screen, anxiety churning in my stomach. It had been months since I'd last read it and Rafael exhaled sharply, his fingers hovering over the screen.

"I knew something was off. And it slowly clicked in place, all the fights and the anger and the self-deprecation." The signs were clearly there, but we were too oblivious to notice.

Or maybe Kiara was too selfish to tell us.

She wasn't the same best friend I held on a pedestal, crowned with a halo of superiority. Now that I had people who actually cared, I realised what friendship was meant to be and Kiara's and my relationship hung in limbo.

"How did you find her?" His gentle questions accompanied by soft touches across my skin provoked my narration.

"She had shared her location with Jo a few days and it was still on. Call it a fucking miracle or a curse." Worry had coupled with confusion in our hearts that night after seeing her location flicker near an abandoned suburb.

"I called Aiden to come pick us up. He hadn't received his license yet but he still knew how to drive and his parents weren't home. The entire car ride was fucking silent, Raf, the most terrible scenarios striking in my head."

I pulled away, propping my head on my bent knees. Tears leaked onto my shins and I harshly dug my teeth into my bottom lip.

Rafael was quiet and I understood. There were no words that could be fed into the silent voids in between where I struggled to gather my bearings.

"It was scary when we got there, the chipping paint and cracked concrete. Not a place for teenagers at all. It felt like a scene out of a horror movie." A caustic laugh fizzed up my throat.

"Jonah kept trying her number again and again and once we went up the stairs, we heard her ringtone echo loudly against the bare walls." The crunch of weathered debris as we ascended the stairs still seemed to stick to my heels and I subconsciously rubbed at my feet.

The only thing I felt was the rough sand particles clinging to the tender flesh of my ankles. It reminded me that she had jumped over a year ago. Not now.

"What happened then?" Rafael's breath fused with the nightly wind and cooled my senses as I angled towards his body. Almost instinctively, his arm came to rest upon my waist again, massaging lazy circles on my skin.

"And then panic set in. We ran up the stairs, jostling each other to race to the top." I remembered how Aiden had elbowed me harshly once we were on the rooftop, seeing Kiara's feet planted on the edge. The first bruise on my ribs, many more to follow.

"She was a step away from jumping. Almost as if she was waiting for that last minute miracle," I tilted my face up to meet his gaze, writhing with pain as he winced.

"I wish you never had to see that, baby." The gentle words crashed against me, a rueful smile on my lips.

"Me too."

I traced shapes on the sand with my free hand, wiping them away with my palm straight after. I wished I could erase those memories just as easily.

"The sky was dead that night, just like her eyes. But the wind still whipped across our faces and I saw defeat on her face. As if she'd given up a long time ago. We all failed her." Tremors slithered across my skin and I dug my fingers into the underside of my thighs.

"She was already on the ledge, Blaze. What could you have done?" The conflict on his face showed he knew how hollow it sounded.

"No, Raf. I saw it, she wanted us to stop her." The moments after that were both blurred and slowed down in my head.

Here it was, the one question that might have had the potential to save a life.

"Kiara asked me to give her one good reason to stay. Me, her failure of a best friend." The words chafed my throat, buried under layers of self-hatred.

"No." Shock infused Rafael's tone as he whispered to himself. His fingers clenched around mine as if that would anchor me from spiralling away.

"I didn't say a word. I fucking froze."

The saline tears blocked my vision again as I recalled her slate-grey eyes centralised on me, only me. Even though her feet lingered near the edge, her soul dangling in the night, my answer could have held the capacity to drag her back to safety.

Could have.

"She looked so helpless, Raf and I couldn't do a damn thing. Aiden was yelling, Jonah was crying but she was only looking at me. Why me?" The bitterness choked my throat, tightening my vocal cords.

"One good reason. My mind had a million, but none of them made it out of my mouth. How am I supposed to live with that on my conscience?" Rafael's jaw ticked furiously, his eyes turning firm.

"She shouldn't have done that." His murmur was incredibly subdued and I might have missed it if he were not next to me.

"Can't change the past," I murmured dismally.

"You can change how much it affects you."

A slight gap parted my lips and I ran my tongue over my teeth. This wasn't something I could change. Or maybe I didn't want to.

Being too free, unshackled from every remorse felt too foreign and I wasn't sure I actually wanted to be truly happy. I had been surrounded by grief and regret for too long, that life without them felt completely hollow. The crevices which had been cemented with misery only brimmed halfway with happiness now.

"I saw it, that flicker of a moment when she realised I couldn't answer. Kiara could've turned to Aiden or Jonah but she didn't." It was as if the fire in Kiara had finally been snuffed out, extinguished by my incompetency.

The candle of her life burned out prematurely, the wick uprooted by my inability to anchor her.

I ran my finger along the edge of Raf's wrist, my chest collapsing with the crushing guilt.

"It happened too quick, Aiden moved forward to pull her back. Kiara just turned around, and she jumped. Not another word, not one last glance. She was so close but then she slipped horizons away."

The wind had caught onto her hair, a blur of blonde as she dipped below the roof, abandoning us forever. There was yelling, so much bloodcurdling screaming that my ears still rang in the silence.

"Jonah held me back, I wanted to go after her. I would have."

Subconsciously, my eyes flitted to the night sky, the tears making all the stars fog together. I didn't realise how much I had cried until the entire front of my tee was soaked, clinging to my chest.

"Those were the last words she ever said and they were directed towards me, Raf."

"You didn't deserve any of that. Fuck, Blaze." His voice was hoarse as if he was holding himself back from saying more, his knuckles turning pallid.

"I heard it. The dull thud and sharp cracking of bones. We were four floors up and I'll never forget that." The chaos of that night still echoed somewhere in my ears, the devastation, the smell of death and the maddening sobs.

"Then I saw her. I don't ever wanna see anyone like that, Raf. There was so much blood, red everywhere I looked." In my vision, on the bumpy concrete and my hands.

My voice cracked with sobs and I couldn't hold the seams together anymore. It ripped apart, all the emotions pouring through as the wind howled violently.

Things I had never told anyone, the fear that burnt my chest, it all spilt out of my mouth as Rafael listened.

How I wanted to jump straight after Kiara, see my blood swirl with hers on the cement, catch her soul before it got lost in the rubble. The consuming anger I felt for days after, all the selfish things I called her for leaving me all alone. I told Raf how Jonah left, abandoning me when we needed each other the most.

The one thing I couldn't confess was what Aiden had done. I took a deep breath, gathering the courage for it as Rafael procured a tissue from his pocket, wiping my face clean.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The words flurried out of Rafael's mouth, his arms holding me tighter, his lips pressing against my skin. I felt light-headed as the memories looped in my head, Rafael's kisses fading away by the stench of blood in the air.

Metallic, staining and haunting.

"That's why Aiden blames me. Maybe I should blame myself too." The solitary laugh itched out of my lips and Rafael pulled back, the planes on his face hardening.

"Never, and I mean never listen to that fucker."

"He was grieving at first, depressed like all of us. He wouldn't eat or sleep." A twisted part of me hoped he would've stayed that way forever, at least he wouldn't have hurt me.

"Everything spiralled and Mark and Andrea somehow managed to convince everyone that Kiara died in a car accident." The lie had weighed upon me ever since they had asked me to say it.

"Why would they lie?" Disbelief wove Raf's tone and I shrugged.

"Maybe they needed to grieve in private without prying gossip mongers." Or maybe they were too ashamed to accept that they had let their daughter slip through the cracks of life. We all had.

"You shouldn't have been asked to keep that secret," Rafael clipped fiercely.

I agreed with him, the cataclysm of her death had forced too many rushed decisions. Looking back, I realised just how terrible things had been. Mark and Andrea had left, just like Jonah, unbeknownst to how drastically Aiden had changed.

"Yeah." I couldn't come up with anything else and Raf turned to me. His green eyes streaked with hesitance and I could sense the questions blooming on his tongue.

"Aiden said something about a letter..." Raf trailed off, waiting for me to cut him off. However, I didn't, I knew I could trust him.

"Yeah, um, Kiara left a letter. It was for me, but Aiden kept it." Just the mention of his name sent a deranged glint of anger rolling through Rafael's eyes.

"She blamed me, said I should've 'given her a reason to stay'. Just like that night." My attempt at a weak smile faded as more tears streamed down. I wiped at them furiously, angry at my own body's betrayal.

"No, I just... no." His fingers tugged on his hair as he dragged his bottom lip into his teeth.

"I know she's dead, but that was a fucking messed up thing to do." Fury roughened his voice but there was no regret.

"Yeah," I hummed, outlining patterns on the sand again.

Rafael tensed, his shoulders sagging and bunching as he hesitated to speak again. I twisted the bracelet on my wrist, tracing the engraved stars with my thumb.

"There's one more thing." He was trying to connect all the pieces in his head and I warily nodded.

"You said he never let you forget. What the fuck did he do?" His outrage was now a monster bearing its claws, looking for a victim to sink into.

"Aiden changed, a lot. He just..." The words jammed in the crevices of my throat. Where did I even begin?

"He got angry at the smallest of things. He would yell at me all the time and then apologise. At least in the beginning." Every syllable resonated raspily and Rafael silently seethed.

"You know I get it, he was hurting. But I was too and he just seemed to ignore that and use his problems as an excuse to say hurtful stuff."

"That's fucked up, he's a piece of shit. Goddamn understatement," he gritted out and I bit my bottom lip.

"Aiden used to call me names..." I inhaled the salty air deeply, knowing the bout of rage that would follow from Rafael.

"What the fuck did he say?" The sneer that left his lips was acidic, scorching my skin. I gulped, composing myself. That wasn't even a quarter of the things he'd done.

"You know, the things guys love to say to degrade a girl. The usual. A whore, a bitch amongst others. He could get quite creative." Scattered memories littered my brain as I uttered the words, the sarcasm lost in my hurt.

Rafael shot up whilst dropping my hand and paced in front of me wildly. His toes sunk into the crumbling sand as he grappled with his hair, the muscles on his back taut with rippling temper. His breathing was heavy and laboured, sweltering as the rage simmering in his green eyes as he turned to me.

"Aiden said all that, he verbally abused you and you stayed with him despite that?" Incredulity laced with bitterness overpowered his tone and I froze. His scathing words cut me to my core, the scowl on his face constricting my chest.

A cascade of hurt seized my heart and I dropped my gaze, tears welling in my eyes again at the brisk and blunt nature of his words.

Why did I stay with him?

"I didn't have anyone," I murmured and flinched as I heard an angry huff.

"Anyone is better than that fucking bastard, Blaze." I winced, taken off guard by his reaction.

Why did I stay with him?

"Aiden used to apologise, he used to mess with my head. I didn't know better." I cracked out, the tears clogging my throat.

Weak, Aiden used to call me that.

Instantly, regret flashed across Rafael's face and he sunk back beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I would've resisted but right now, I needed his comfort. 

"I'm sorry, fuck, I overreacted. I'm so sorry." His voice was a whisper, contrasting to the blaring screams in my head.

Rafael's lips pressed against my forehead and I sunk into his embrace, trying to remind myself that his hands weren't those that scarred me. 

"I thought I deserved everything Aiden did because I couldn't save her. I was punishing myself and he was happy to oblige." The truth came pouring out like tears. Blood seeped onto my tongue as my teeth tore at the inner skin of my cheek.

I wanted to say more but Rafael's reaction scared me, his words still ringing in my ears.

Why did you stay with him?

"You deserved none of that, not a single thing. I'm sorry, Blaze." A thick coating of vitriol drowned his words.

"Yeah, but at least that made me stronger." I raised my biceps to try and dissipate the tension. However, Rafael's lips bent in a bitter frown.

"No, Blaze. Don't you get it? You aren't supposed to go through shit like that to be strong," he snapped but his anger was aimed elsewhere.

"Fuck, this makes me so furious." His lips thinned as he glowered at the waves crashing against the shore. The previous peaceful atmosphere was broken by his lingering rage and bitterness.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say. Rafael's gaze pivoted to me and his features softened.

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault. Not for a single second." I just pursed my lips, picking at the loose shells and turning them over in my hand.

Rafael abruptly got up and extended a hand for me. I felt like I had been stripped of my skin, the slow unravelling of secrets fraying at my soul and I didn't know how Rafael would react to everything else.

"I'm sorry, it's just... hard to take in," he murmured instantly, cradling my face between his hands. I nodded, leaning forward so our noses skimmed.

Rafael's lips pressed against mine delicately in a momentary kiss. Gentle apologies were conveyed by the pressure of his touch, on my back, fleeting across my elbows. He then pulled my hand, taking us away from the shore and towards the boardwalk.

"Ice cream makes everything better, right?" A strained smile lightened his face and I nodded, grateful for the distraction. 

There was a stretch of silence as we strolled towards the ice cream store, my mind wavering. I mulled over the possibility of telling Rafael about the other things Aiden had done.

I instantly warded that thought off, his reaction today was just a sneak peek of what he would do if he actually knew everything.

Soon.

"So, if we're dating, we should probably go on a first date, yeah?" I blurted out and Rafael's face turned smug.

"Are you asking me out, babe?"

"No, I'm raising a proposition." Rafael's laughter chimed shakily and my shoulders loosened. I liked it better when he laughed.

"Okay then, Blaze 'I don't know your middle name' Davis, would you give me the pleasure of taking you out on a date?" A corny grin flashed on Rafael's face and I grimaced.

"You don't know my middle name?"

"That's why I'm asking you out so we can get to know each other."

"I asked you out first and it's Selene."

"I'm kidding, I knew that." Rafael waved his hand dismissively.

"Sure buddy," I rolled my eyes. Rafael tugged at my hand, effectively halting me.

"Your parents gave you that name cause your mum wanted to name you Selene but your dad liked Blaze and they drew lots." My pulse pounded in my chest as Rafael stared down at me and reluctantly, I nodded in confirmation.

"You remember?"

"Of course I do."

"Oh."

"Oh, indeed."

"Well, I asked you out first," I crossed my arms over my chest and Rafael laughed again.

"How are you going to drive me there? Your new car?"

"I'll figure it out, dipshit."

"What about the place?" The elation on his face spread and I poked my finger on his chest.

"Like I said, I'll figure it out."

"Look, I've got it all planned. Just say yes to me." Rafael cocked his head to the side, a light blush painting his cheeks.

"Got it all planned, huh?"

"Say yes."

"I could call this coercion." The light joke wasn't appreciated by Rafael as he grimaced.

"Okay fine, yes. I'll go out with you." I threw my hands up in exasperation and Rafael grinned.

"That's more like it." His arm swung around my shoulder.

"When are we going on the date?"

"Somebody's eager," he nudged me and I frowned.

"That's cause I'll have to see if I'm free that day." The cheeky grin that graced his face only widened when we entered the ice cream store.

"They don't have colourful cones," I whispered gently as we neared the counter and Rafael nodded with an amused smile.

After giving our orders, we plopped onto the circular stools. Kneeling my elbow on the cool counter, I watched as Rafael twisted his spoon into his cup, not eating a bite.

"Can I have that?" I tapped his hand once my cone was over and he slid his cup over without any protest. Alarm bells rang in my head and I poked his cheek.

"What's wrong?"

Affliction danced in his irises as he ran his tongue over his lips, the base of his palm rubbing against his forehead.

"Did Aiden do anything else?" His words were coarse with subdued anger and I paused, the caramel ice cream melting on my tongue.

I shifted my gaze back down, silently eating Rafael's ice cream and all the while I felt his gaze piercing into my skin. When I finally looked back up, his narrowed eyes reeked of suspicion and I gulped a deep breath.

I could do it, I could tell him.

However, a shrill ringing made me bristle and Rafael's phone screen flashed with Annikah's name on top. His gaze flickered to me momentarily and he hesitated before picking up with a sigh.

"What is it?" The exhaustion in his tone made me pause and I resumed eating my dessert, the tension between us sizzling.

"Where are you guys?" Ann's voice was loud and Rafael pulled the phone away from his ear with a scowl.

"Eating ice cream."

"Did you die?" Bree piped up and Rafael rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, Bree we did. Satan redirected your call to our corner of hell."

My face morphed with confusion and Rafael shot me a small smile.

"We're not going to heaven anyway."

Despite everything, I laughed when Travis suddenly appeared out of the shop window, miming through the glass. The cashier looked at him weirdly with a disapproving frown.

Even Rafael looked amused as we walked out together to meet them, the grin on Travis' face dimming when he saw me.

"You either had an allergic reaction to the ice cream or you've been crying."

My nerves stood on edge as everyone tensed, Bree turning to Rafael for an explanation.

"Aiden was here." Instantly, a sneer curved her lips, similar looks of enraged disdain forming on everyone's faces.

When Rafael glanced at me, I knew his earlier question still lingered in the air. The answer was lost somewhere in my head, stuck between a confession and keeping it a secret so I could bask in the peace before the storm.

"Let's go home, then." I cleared my throat and Jonah was the first to nod. His grey eyes perused mine, observing every jitter as I bit on bottom lip and wrung my fingers together.

"Yeah."

After a tense walk back to the car, we settled inside, the heater thawing my shivering fingers.

"Dude, move over. You're jabbing my rib." Ann shuffled uncomfortably as she pushed Jonah to the side. The poor guy was squished against the window but he didn't complain. Meanwhile, Bree was sprawled in the passenger seat, fidgeting with the music controls.

A yawn slipped past my lips and Rafael pulled me closer, snuggling me under his arm.

"Go to sleep, I'll wake you up." His voice was a soft murmur and I nodded drowsily.

I always slept better after a good crying session. How ironic that the same memories that tainted my mind were those that put me to sleep, only to harshly drag me awake again.

The soft hum of music from Bree's playlist paired with Rafael's warm breathing cascading down my neck soothed me.

Slowly, the bad memories and the worry faded away, replaced by a neutral emotion. My pulse slowed and I slipped into a dreamless sleep but I couldn't quite shake the words that softly echoed in my ears.

I wondered if I imagined them.

I'm never letting you go.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

The buzzing of chatter grated against my ears as I munched on my pizza slice silently, the grease unappetisingly dripping onto the tray.

"And they wonder why most people die by fifty of a heart attack," Ann muttered, pushing her slice around.

The terse silence was punctuated with Travis' cheesy jokes as he tried to lighten the atmosphere but failed. It was all due to Bree and Rafael glaring at Aiden from across the Cafeteria, their identical laser sharp gazes crackling the air with electricity.

"If you want to start something, just go over," Travis shrugged, popping a chip in his mouth and I punched his shoulder.

"Don't encourage them."

"What? It's not like he doesn't deserve it."

"It's not worth it."

"Come on, I'd pay to see these two beat those two up," Travis motioned towards the twins and then at Aiden's table.

Rafael and Bree were oblivious to our mini argument as they engaged in a glaring match with Aiden and Alec, his best friend. It was comical in a way but the tight line marring all their faces told me it was anything but a joke.

"What did he do?" Jonah inputted, contempt stirring in his eyes as he glanced at Aiden. Instantly, Rafael's gaze snapped to me and a soft smile turned his mouth up.

After the trip to the beach two days ago, Mr. Alston had woken up and even though he wasn't completely stable yet, things were looking better. Amidst all that, the fight with Aiden had thankfully faded into the background.

"He just said some things..." I trailed off, nodding at Rafael to continue.

"Later," Rafael murmured, his rage spiking as Aiden got up. He looked worse than wear, the shirt on his body hanging loosely and his jeans looking like they were two sizes too big against his deathly pale skin.

"He looks like shit," Bree curled her lips in disgust as he walked towards our table, a sneer on his face.

"Fitting." It came from Travis' lips and my brows furrowed as all the five of them glared at Aiden's incoming figure, flanked by Alec and another one of his teammates.

However, Aiden brushed past our table, sending a solitary glare towards Rafael. The tension prickled against my skin after he was left, remnants of fear swimming in my veins.

I knew Aiden did that just to rile Rafael on and it worked because he looked like he could throttle someone with his bare hands.

"Yeah, that's right, walk away you bastard," Ann hollered after him and the other student's gazes swivelled to our table in irritation.

"All this testosterone is suffocating me," I joked lightly, poking Rafael's arm but his muscles were corded tightly. The glimmer in his eyes was full of toxicity and I tugged at his hand to keep him from going after Aiden.

It didn't seem to be working because he made a move to get up and no one stopped him, rather Bree and Trav looked like they'd follow.

Impulsively, I shoved my pizza slice in his mouth, the sauce smearing over his cheeks. The anger in his eyes died down as he slowly tilted his face to me and I grinned sheepishly.

"How does it taste?" I laughed nervously as he narrowed his eyes, dabbing at his cheeks with a tissue.

"Terrible, you fucking weirdo."

"Thank you for being my taste tester."

"Why are you dating her again?" Annikah muttered, the tension easily vaporising after that as everyone resumed their lunches.

A small smile split across Rafael's lips as he shrugged, kissing my cheek.

"Couples are disgusting," Annikah's face morphed into disgust and my mouth gaped open.

"You have a girlfriend," I pointed an accusing finger at her and Ann grinned.

"We don't act like this."

"How would we know? You never bring her to meet us," Travis interjected and Ann glowered at the two of us.

"You guys are crazy and I don't want that to push her away." A dramatic gasp sounded from Travis' throat and Rafael shook his head at the theatrics.

"We're not crazy, we're different."

"Yeah, besides you're included in this circle of insanity." Bree gestured around the table and Jonah glanced up from his homework.

"I'm not insane."

"Not yet, at least."

This prompted a round of bickering between everyone as Rafael and I watched. Underneath the table, I felt his foot nudging mine and I glared at him.

'Seriously?' I mouthed and he grinned, his shoe kicking against my toes. I kicked him back, my glare intensifying and he finally stopped.

"Why are you kicking me?" Travis piped up from beside me and everyone's eyes whipped to Rafael.

"You're playing footsie? Real mature, Rafael." The amusement in Bree's voice didn't go unnoticed and Rafael smacked her head, receiving one in return.

Light conversation buzzed around the table and as soon as the bell rang, everyone departed.

"So, about the first date," Rafael's arm came around my waist and I smiled to myself, giddiness erupting in my chest.

"Aren't you eager?"

"Well if you don't want to go, we could always just cancel it." I halted, instantly shaking my head and a content smile split his lips.

"Next weekend?" He suggested and I nodded. This weekend he had to go to an NA meeting, his first and then to a therapy session, all arranged by Mr. Hernandez.

"You're doing great," I murmured, gently brushing my lips against his. A smile bent his mouth and as he pulled away, I felt a heated glare on us.

"Having fun?" Aiden's voice was a low growl as he leaned against my locker. Rafael's jaw tensed just like his fingers on my wrist.

I ignored Aiden, deciding not to feed into his desire for a fight. Rafael, however, had different plans as he shoved Aiden to the side, opening my locker door after entering my combination.

Instantly, Aiden's shoulders tensed, his spine rising as he faced Rafael off and I gritted my teeth.

What was with guys and their show of power? This was school, not a fucking duel.

Neither of them made a move as they shot venomous glowers at each other, tight muscles and ticking jaws condensing the tension in the air.

"Let's go," I grabbed Rafael's hand, having to dig my nails into his palm to finally drag him away.

"He's going to fucking get it," Rafael's fists clenched, rage surfing on the edge of his emerald eyes.

"Don't fuck things up because of him," I murmured, pushing through the thinning crowd towards our next class.

"It would be worth it."

I didn't get a chance to reprimand him for his carelessness because we entered the class. He silently took a spot beside me, fidgeting with the hem of my tee under the table, frustration lacing his every movement.

When I tried to talk to him, my name echoed from our teacher's mouth. Sinking back into my seat, embarrassment shone brightly on my cheeks and I shut up.

The rest of the period passed by in terse silence, Rafael's anger tipping over as he snapped the pencil in his fingers. He twirled the broken pieces, finally throwing them into the bin when class ended.

"Wait," I called after Raf when he stormed out of the classroom. He paused, shooting me a forced smile. Before I could get any words out, he placed a swift kiss on my lips and disappeared into the hallway as I stood stunned near the door.

My cheeks flamed as someone shoved me to the side and I rushed to my next class. Jonah's perusing eyes lit up when he saw my face.

"Are you going to turn that red every time he touches you? It must require a lot of blood." His smart quip dragged a glare out of me.

"Rich of you to say. Remember Summer's kiss in the hospital? Of course you do, you almost died."

"You saw that?" His eyes widened, crimson tainting his porcelain skin and I grinned.

"Well, you kissed in the waiting room. Quite a show."

"Correction, she kissed me." His tone was heavily laden with shyness and I smiled.

"Did you mind?"

"No."

"Yeah, I gathered that." I couldn't keep the smugness out of my tone and Jonah blanched.

"Creep," he shot out and I clamped a hand over my heart.

"It's called moral support, from afar." Jonah pursed his lips, not answering as the teacher walked in.

The entire class droned on and my anxiety inclined for no reason, a foreboding pit hollowing out my stomach. The thought of texting Rafael briefly crossed my mind but I shut it down, he was just angry, he wouldn't do something.

The sharp shrilling of the bell finally eased my nerves and I rushed out of the classroom, Jonah smiling knowingly.

My eyebrows furrowed when I didn't see Rafael in the hallway nor near my locker where he usually waited. After reassuring myself that I was overreacting, I shuffled over to our Chemistry class, feeling a short jab to my chest when I saw his empty spot.

Under the table, I sent Rafael a short text and instantly a reply came through, stating he was skipping with Travis. Skepticism arose in me and I tapped nervously on my phone. As if planned, Travis' text came through a couple of seconds later, confirming what Rafael had said and instead of dampening my swells of worry, they only increased.

"Alright today we'll be learning about the f-block elements," Mrs. Reynolds burst out and I jolted, pocketing my phone when her gaze fell onto me. Her keen sight fell on Rafael's empty seat and I mouthed he was absent today.

After that, I didn't get a chance to text either of them again. My fingers fidgeted under the table as I struggled to focus. The minutes seemed to stretch into hours and when it was finally time to leave, I was the first one to dash out.

"Woah, cool your jets," Annikah grinned as I crashed into her, but the grin wiped off when she saw my face.

"What's wrong?" I showed her the texts and her lips thinned, doubt rising in her earthy brown irises.

"Travis skipped last class too," Bree announced flatly, appearing beside me with a grimace. The three of us glanced at each other in suspicion, knowing this reeked of a set-up.

"Those fuckers." The sharp curse fell from Bree's lips.

At that moment, Jonah appeared around the corner and when he saw our enraged faces, he pivoted on his heel and bolted the other way.

"Jonah fucking Alston, get back here." Annikah raced after him and heads turned as she finally caught up, grabbing the back of his jumper.

"You're hurting me," Jonah muttered, trying to unclasp Ann's fingers from his wrists but she glared.

"Where are they and what the fuck are they doing?" Bree narrowed her eyes and Jonah's Adam's apple shifted against his pale neck.

"I suggest you answer for your own good, Jo." My lips thinned as he glanced at me.

"Guy code, I can't."

"Answer her," Annikah twisted his wrist and Jonah hissed in pain as he shook his head.

"Don't make me repeat myself, it won't be pretty." Terror shone in his eyes as Annikah grabbed the collar of his jumper and pulled him down.

"Okay okay, they were planning to do something to Aiden in the abandoned lot after school because that's where he usually goes to smoke." The confession blurted out from his lips and I groaned. The parking lot in question was a ten minute walk from school, shrouded by a thicket of trees.

"Fucking dumbasses," Ann hissed to herself and let go of Jonah whose pupils dilated in fear.

"Should I drive you?" he squeaked out and a sinister grin extended on her face.

"How sweet of you to offer, of course."

After that, we all rushed into Jonah's car, his fingers drumming nervously on the wheel as Ann snapped at him to drive faster.

"Let's hope Aiden's alone," Bree muttered as we stormed out of the car. Jonah looked reluctant to join us, but he did after a sharp command from Ann.

"If that bastard's got his friends, we're going to have to save their asses," Ann muttered as she cracked her knuckles. Just the thought of her fighting triggered a small smile on my lips. 

However, it fell when I took in the scene before me.

"Just our luck." I saw four of Aiden's friends, including him facing off with only Travis and Rafael. The two of them had bleeding cuts on their foreheads and bruises blooming on their cheeks and jaws while Aiden and his friends looked relatively unharmed.

A guy was holding Rafael back as Aiden's sinister smile curved upwards, a sharp jab to the stomach making Raf double over. Travis wasn't faring well either, two against one making every one of his punches miss and get double the damage in return. The sound of fists slamming against their skin and blood tainting their hands made me wince and I stepped back.

What was this, a damn action movie? Fuck.

"They just don't think shit through," Bree huffed out as she turned the corner towards them, pulling her sleeves up.

"Where are you going?" I hissed out, panic elevating in my veins. How the fuck were we supposed to fight them? The diplomatic, rational way didn't seem to be an option and these guys were rugby players.

"To fight them, of course." With a final grin, Bree jogged over to where one of Aiden's friends was holding Travis back. Without skipping a beat, she kneed him straight in the balls.

The deafening roar that left his lips startled me out of my shock. Who was he, fucking Mufasa?

"You hurt my brother and my boyfriend and call me a bitch? What the fuck did you expect to receive, a gift basket?" Bree sneered as she fisted the guy's hair in her hands and his eyes burnt with rage and agony as he clutched at his groin.

When I looked around, I realised Jonah and I were the only ones left to engage in the fight. Ann was pulling at one guy's hair, eliciting deep threats from his throat as he tried to pry her off his back.

"Are we supposed to... join?" Jonah turned to me, identical horror lining his face and I gulped.

We were cowards, but smart cowards. If all of us were hurt, who was going to help the rest?

"Field medics never actually go to war, right?" Jonah offered jokingly, receiving a slow nod.

However, when I saw Rafael take another heavy punch to his gut, I shook the thought off and raced towards them. My steps went unnoticed by everyone as I sneaked to the edge, my heartbeat slamming against my ribcage.

Upon closer inspection, I saw that the blood on Rafael's skin wasn't all his, the bruises seeming lighter under the sunlight. Travis' face was sharply cut from anger, a major contrast to his playful self and when he landed a punch to Alec's face, I reeled from the cracking sound.

Faintly, I could hear the two guys arguing with Ann and Bree saying they weren't going to fight girls. 

"Bad luck, asshole," Ann snapped as she landed a punch to his face and he reeled back, red spurting from his nose. I couldn't hold back my sly grin as I shot her a thumbs up.

Impulsively, I picked up a large, loose rock and threw it, aiming towards Aiden's neck.

My breath caught in my throat when it hit target and Aiden's eyes fell on me, brown irises ringed with red veins. His steps faltered as he staggered towards me and I cowered away at the deranged look in his eyes.

An arm banded around my waist and instantly Rafael's heady scent of cinnamon invaded my nostrils. My eyes caught onto his and he looked furious as he glanced at Aiden, a sneer painted across his bloodstained lips.

"A fight? What the fuck were you thinking?" I whispered harshly to Raf and he wiped his lips with the back of his hand, crimson trailing across his knuckles and bulging veins.

"I wasn't."

"Leave. Now," Bree gritted out from behind Aiden and he turned around, the gash on his forehead violently throbbing with blood.

Aiden's friends fumed from the corner but they didn't take a step to support him, new bruises sprouting on their tan skin. Cunning smiles served as evidence of Ann and Bree's victory.

"Just go," I stepped out of Rafael's shadow, feeling embarrassed that I hadn't helped in any way. Getting bruises wouldn't help with my triggers, though, especially when I was still reeling from telling Raf about Kiara.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I snapped when he didn't leave, the muscles on his shoulder bunching together. Alec grabbed Aiden's elbow, his black hair sticking to his forehead where blood was slowly crusting. Travis' punches did a good number on him and I smirked internally.

"They're not worth the fucking time." The scowl on Alec's face deepened when I glared at him.

"Actually, you're fucking idiots who just want a fight for no reason. Frankly, it's getting quite pathetic and obsessive." The bitter words burst out of my mouth and when I felt Rafael's bruised knuckles brush against mine, my anger soared.

I should just kick him and get more of those loose rocks to shove down his throat.

Rafael must have sensed my violent thoughts because he locked his arms around my waist, pulling me against his front.

"You should watch your mouth." Aiden's threat prompted sharp glares and angry sneers, Rafael's fingers pressing into my stomach.

"Say that again and I'm going to break yours." Rafael's voice was a low growl, full of promise and I bit my bottom lip.

"Leave." Aiden looked like he wanted to object but his friends managed to convince him. When he finally left with a sneer, I exhaled the breath I was holding.

"You're fucking stupid, you know that right? " Bree gritted her teeth as she ran her fingers gently over Travis' scratched face, various bruises and cuts scarring his smooth, dark skin.

My gaze flitted to Rafael who looked on the brink of another angry meltdown.

"We won," Travis cheered silently, receiving a glare from Annikah.

"That's because we had to save your sorry butts."

"We had it handled," Rafael crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly, shooting a stern glare towards Jonah.

"They ambushed me, what was I supposed to do?" Jonah threw his hands up, looking the most frazzled out of all of us.

"I don't know, maybe not tell them?"

"Sorry, but I told you it was a dumb idea," Jonah muttered.

"Why is violence your first resort for everything?" I turned to Rafael, finally taking in all his injuries. He was bruised and bloodied, but nothing major. His cheek was swelling with a cut that was still bleeding, his knuckles cracked open, showing tender skin.

"It's the only solution with Aiden. What did you want me to do? Invite him over for coffee and talk things out while we discuss the overpriced croissants?"

Rafael's heavy sarcasm made me glare, and he sheepishly grinned.

"Sorry, he just made me so fucking furious."

"Besides, nobody hurts my nugget," Travis shot me a beaming grin and my heart gushed with appreciation.

"You could've told us what you were planning," Bree pursed her lips, running her fingers along Travis' busted knuckles absently.

"Just so you could stop us? Sorry babe, wasn't happening. Aiden was lucky he wasn't alone." Travis muttered, fury lacing his tone.

"No, dumbass. We could've brought crowbars and baseball bats," Ann snapped and everyone turned to her.

"What? Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing," she gestured around our group.

"We weren't looking for criminals charges, Ann." Rafael sounded amused as he tipped his chin on my head.

"You could still be charged with assault," she retorted, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Five of them, two of us. They won't admit to getting their asses handed to them by girls. Looks more like self-defence." A proud grin split across Rafael's sculpted cheeks and I elbowed him.

"Don't do that again, fighting him isn't worth it."

"Everything's worth it for you." The words were meant for my ears only as he dipped his head, my pulse racing as he skimmed our noses together.

"Get a room," Bree cheekily inputted and I glared at her, dragging Rafael to the car after asking Jonah about the first aid kit.

After grabbing the box from Jo's glove compartment, I made Raf sit in the backseat, wiping at the violent streaks of red on his face. My heartbeat soared as his fingers travelled across my spine and over my stomach, hooking into the belt loops of my jeans.

When I was finally done cleaning his injuries, he tugged me closer, our lips brushing marginally together.

The lingering taste of blood stung in the kiss but it was quickly replaced with euphoria as the slight roughness of his lips skimmed against my cheeks and then my neck. His hair tickled my chin as he dipped his head into the curve of my neck, the soft brush of his eyelashes skimming my collarbones.

I love you. The words died on my lips.

"Not in my car." I recoiled as a loud honk rang against the parking lot, Jonah leaning into the driver's seat to press the horn.

"Fuck you Jonah," Rafael cursed, his hot breath wafting across the neckline of my tee and I shifted uncomfortably, my stomach swirling with firing nerves.

His slender fingers reluctantly tore away from my skin and I leaned back, letting him out of the backseat. Everyone else was huddled behind the car and they shot us smug, knowing glances.

"You're coming with me," Rafael tugged at my wrist, pulling me to his car. The others waved sarcastically as they split into Trav's and Jonah's car.

The rumbling of their engines soon drifted away, leaving just Rafael and me in the empty lot. Rafael's fingers clutched my back as he lifted me onto the hood of his car, placing himself between my legs.

"I'm never going to stop fighting for you, okay?" His words pulled me under like a riptide and I nodded, compressing the lump in my throat.

I love you.

I love you.

Say it.

"I love you." The words were a mere whisper, interwoven with relief at finally liberating the leaden confession off my chest. The rhythmic beating of my heart coupled with the slow breeze in the air and Rafael's muscles stiffened in front of me.

Silence trickled into the air, fear escalating in my bones as I got terrified at the prospect of him not saying it back. Maybe I rushed into it and my eyes prickled, my bottom lip trembling.

"I love you, so fucking much." All the air knocked out of my lungs when Rafael mirrored my words, newfound flowers blossoming in my chest as if Spring had befallen a barren kingdom.

Love.

He loved me.

And I loved Rafael. From the occasional dimple on his cheek to the faint scar right near his hairline. The curve of his biceps that fit perfectly against the hollow of my neck. His beautiful, scarred skin, identical to mine that cloaked every inch of his torso, the emotions he fought so hard to cage within.

The rippling muscles underneath his smooth arms and the veins cording his arm like majestic serpents. Most of all, I loved the faded emerald swirls of his eyes, the irises that tugged me in with just one heated look and the crumbling walls that I was determined to shatter brick by brick.

"Fuck, I love you." Rafael nestled his face into my neck, chuckling softly to himself as if the words had surprised him too. The sharp ridge of his nose dug into my hollow collarbones where he placed a fleeting kiss.

My legs hooked around his slender waist, ankles digging into his back as his hot breath caressed the delicate skin of my neck. Rafael's sage eyes were hooded as he glanced up at me, silently asking for consent. A gentle nod later, a rough whisper vibrated against my neck as he inhaled gently.

"I love you, Blaze."

Euphoria spilt from my veins, ecstasy flooding my bloodstream when his teeth gently scraped the thin skin, replaced by his lips. A gentle suction coincided with his hands creeping up the back of my shirt, feverish skin against my spine. He tugged me closer, my legs locking tighter around his back, fire scorching my veins and setting my heart ablaze.

"I love you," I murmured, the silence interspersed with our heavy breathing and when Rafael finally pulled back, his eyes were a few shades darker, desire swirling with affection.

My gaze slowly tracked down to find a red mark blossoming just below my collarbone, a giddy smile plastered on Rafael's puffy lips. It looked out of place on his bruised face, his fingers lightly stroking my waist.

"Goddamn cannibal." The mutter elicited a deep grumble of laughter from Rafael as he grinned at me.

"You're fucking amazing," His nose brushed mine, the feeling of his hands on my skin intoxicating me.

"You too."

Internally, I was repeating his earlier words in my head, I love you. It seemed too surreal, too perfect but I was too heavily gone to overthink.

I wondered if I fell in love with him step by step, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle locking together to form a bigger, grander picture.

Or maybe it was like a freefall, the rush of wind all at once, the exhilaration running high amongst my bones.

The answer was love was both. It was like a gentle, lapping stream gurgling at the base of a vigorous waterfall.

Our love was both the stars and the moon, a sharp blazing and a calm glow.

This was what love was, tender yet violent, soothing yet soul crushing.

I'd have it no other way. 

hi hi! sorry i disappeared haha i was on a break and went back to my parent's place so that was fun lol oversharing much? anyways, this took me way too long to write.

how do we feel about this chapter and the ahem ahem, "i love you"? does it feel rushed idk i feel kinda sorta insecure eek.

updates may be slow cause i have to study a lot these days but i'll try my best to keep it going.

question: do you prefer paperback books or e-books?

love
a