Vegas: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

⚠️  THIS RANT CONTAINS MINOR SWEARING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ⚠️

This rant is more about myself...

So here's what's up:

My Aunt is celebrating her 60th birthday in Vegas. I haven't been to Vegas (well, I have, but not post-21st birthday when I can actually have more fun). It's gonna be a loud trip. There's gonna be a party bus involved where the music (which will probably be old people shit or rap crap) will be so loud, I'd feel the vibration in my stomach.

I've talked more about this in Dysarthria (subtle plug *wink* ) that I don't like that kind of environment. I don't like crowds, loud music, flashing lights or any of that shit.

I guess the rant is that I'm too scared. If I don't go on the bus, I'd have to stay back. I wish I didn't have this anxiety crap and ruin everyone's fun.

I wish I had the courage to go out and do that kind of stuff with my family, but I'm too much of a fucking whimp.

I want to have fun with my family, but not THAT kind of fun that involves screaming and drinking and loud ass music. That's the kind of fun they like to do ALL THE TIME so that basically means, I'll never get to go out with them.

I just wish I have fun like them.

Even at her Christmas party that we surprised her at when I was 19 — people were drinking and it was a crowded house and I had to step out on their front porch where I cried for a little bit (not too hard, but my eyes were tearing up). I cry when I feel anxious so in Vegas, I'd be a crying bitch the WHOLE TIME, ruining everyone's fun.

Why couldn't I be more fun like them??