Mom: It's Like She's Manifesting It

It feels like I'd been talking about this a lot between on the message board, in the latest chapter in my selfcare book and now (finding out I'm anemic and have high cholesterol) but it's scaring the effing shit out of me!!!

And my mother?

She's only making me feel worse.

"If you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen."

That's what my mom said to me when I was sick with a bad cold and you know what he said to me?

...

Why am I asking you? Of course you wouldn't know, but the point is...

She kept saying shit like: "We knew this was coming. We saw this coming."

And my sister wasn't making me feel any better: "At this rate, she's gonna have diabetes in five years." "That's what you'll be doing when you're dying."

Doesn't my family have the MOST faith in me?

*wears a fake ass smile*

Seriously, I feel so overwhelmed by their positivity.

*fake smile drops and I shoot daggers with my eyes*

It's like they're putting these thoughts in my head! Just yesterday when I was crying because I was scared, they were encouraging. "You can reverse it" "There's still time for you." "He (my brother) had higher numbers than you." "Don't be scared" "Don't worry about it"

24 hours later...

They're as discouraging as shit!

You call this incentive??

Shit!

If anything, I'm back to being as scared as fuck!

That's right! I said fuck! I know I said I'd stop using that word in this rant book, but at the moment, I don't care!

I DON'T WANNA DIEEEE!