DISCLAIMER

This is, in NO way, a cry for attention. Everything written in this rant is true and genuine. PLEASE DO NOT COME AT ME WITH UNTRUE ACCUSATIONS. I simply need to get this out because I can not talk to anyone else about this.

Depression: It's A Silent Killer

A while back, I mentioned on my message board that my mental health hasn't been the best.

That hasn't changed.

There are a couple of things that have caused me to fall into a pit of depression.

#1. I have no friends. I hadn't had a single friend since high school and that was almost 6 years ago. Even then, I only had one best friend and I feel like I cared more than her to maintain that friendship.

Of course, I consider many of you my friends and my supporters. I'm talking about a group of friends I can hang out with in person. Every time a friend group comes into my work or mom and I are out and I see a cluster of girls giggling and hugging, I feel a pang of jealousy hit my chest.

I almost used Bumble For Friends — TWICE.

The first time, I finished writing out my bio, twelve hours later, I deleted my account.

I tried again. I finished everything up to my bio before deleting the app. Something was holding me back from evening trying. And that was the possibility of the friend and I meeting in person, they take one, long, judgemental look at me and run off.

Who'd want a couch potato, home body, 'still lives with mommy and daddy', 'can't drive myself anywhere', 'can't take care of myself' freak as a friend?

That was when my social anxiety kicked in. My mom would only chalk it up to me being overdramatic. That's why I can't talk to her about this.

#2. I'm a burden on my parents — more specifically, my mom. She has to make my appointments for me because I'm too awkward on the phone, she has to cook for me because I can't cook to save my life (one of my NY resolutions was to cook more. That was it last year too, but that never worked out) and she has to drive me to work.

She can't visit with her family in CA or go to any family function there because I don't get my schedule until Wednesday. We don't know what my schedule will look like until two days before the weekend. Mom would have to take me to work.

Of course mom doesn't want me to drive where we live because they drive like ABSOLUTE IDIOTS! But I still could've started using Ubers. Sure, they're expensive and I might get a creepy driver, killed or kidnapped.

I just think that their lives would be so much better if I didn't exist. There are SOME nights when I fantasize about ending my life.

I NEVER SERIOUSLY THOUGHT OF HURTING MYSELF! THESE WERE STRICTLY FANTASIES.

I'd cry myself to sleep some nights. I wish life would get better for me, that God would guide me to the light at the end of the seemingly endless dark tunnel, because right now, it doesn't feel like it will.