Long rant about why I wrote this song ahead so skip over it if you aren't interested...

So I wrote this yesterday as a means of venting (which most of my songs are). I'm pretty much an entirely different person in front of people- crazy, loud, energetic, short-tempered, hyperactive and seemingly hiding nothing. But no matter how much I love that persona, it's not really me. I've been playing that character for so long that it feels like a second skin and I've really come to favour her, even though my characteristics differ from hers, which feel natural by now.

In reality, I'm not particularly shy but still sometimes shy and fear the littlest of things while she's fearless. I very easily take offense and am saddened by the most trivial things, it's just who I am even though I've come to be able to mask my disappointment with little effort.

I feel lonely even in a room crowded with people I know. She makes sarcastic comments and quips easily and never gets tired of talking loudly while I'm scared of how anyone can take any of my words. I bottle up a lot of my emotions that no one realizes and let it all out through writing, music or, my personal favourite lol, bawling my eyes out behind locked doors because God forbid anyone knows I'm hurting (geez, I criticize and justify myself way too much!).

It's so weird because I want someone to know but I don't at the same time. Sure, I have way more than the basic necessities thanks to my loving parents and their hard work so there must be absolutely no reason for me to be so disturbed. But I am, and if you can't get over the fact that I'm not who I am or come to the conclusion that I'm seeking attention, you can go and bash your head on some sense. I hate myself but that doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself. I'm a very confusing person, true, but it's the truth. Full stop.

So anyways, long rant over and now read ahead!

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The Lone Boat:

Smile like a bright light, I laugh a hundred times a day
Guess there's no one who expects me to just wilt away
I seem fresh, hyperactive, energetic, on top of the world
But all I want to do is crawl into a corner and stay curled

Stay away from all of these things that terrify me beyond belief
The air is charged with hate and anger, there's no breath of relief
Desperation pushes me with fervour to seek a lit lantern
I may succeed, but the light blinding me is my concern

I'm at home nowhere
I've been donning a mask so long
The lines have blurred
What's real, what's me, I don't know

I pray, pray for release
I'm sick of this lease
Holding me by my throat
I've capsized the lone boat

Nobody knows the real me, behind all of the flamboyance and energy
I'm but the product of conflicting things that have undergone synergy
A lonely introvert stuck in the body of an outgoing social monster
All feelings thrown out into a dumpster, gun's out of the holster

There's far too much to live for, and that's how I reason with myself
The outer half of me, she won't let me throw it all away, shoves it in a shelf
The inner half fights for her life but she's puny against the sheer might
Of the crazy girl everyone envies, pities, and hates all at once, alright

I don't like myself
Then I love myself to purgatory
I hate all that I am
And love everything about me too

I strive, struggle for release
I've been fighting this lease
With all I have for far too long
Now I'm just holding on

Yin and yang twirl in my blood
As it integrates into the mud
Who would've thought this would be?
Until of late, I never thought it'd be me

You say I'm but a liar
But the truth seems so improbable, no chance
The truth is far from roses
I rip apart my heart behind locked doors

Perhaps, it is truly for the best
Maybe I ought to take it in all zest
Forgive me if I've been a pest
I unravel my guise within my nest

If I've hurt you, I'm sorry
Sorry for the sob story
Step away, it's quite gory
I've never fit in a category

Remember that I still love you
Even though I've lost it for me
Remember when I told you I'd fly?
Well, watch me soar now and drop down

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As usual, thank you for reading 📖 and let me know what you think!

Still think I'm one big drama queen? Okay then, go 'head.

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