Pleasurable fire. I had been thinking all night and all morning about how to describe a kiss, but I couldn't get close to expressing the burst of blinding fireworks, magnificent butterflies, and searing sensations exploding inside me as Finn leaned down to touch our lips together.

I pressed two fingers on my mouth with drooped eyes, trying to focus on the board in front of the classroom, pretending like I could hear the words the teacher was saying. But the only sounds I heard were the quickened beating of my heart, the heaving of breath in my lungs, and the soft puckering sounds made by our lips. It was all in my head now, but I felt like it was happening again.

I blinked the daydream from my eyes, hoping no one noticed my deadass dorkiness.

Glancing at Lotty beside me, she seemed oblivious to the heat emanating from my cheeks. Until now, I hadn't told her about Finn and me. It would get more painful as I prolonged it, but I couldn't find the right time.

I turned back to the front of the room and couldn't help but think about Finn's lips again. Right now, kisses trumped the smell of books. That was an unfaithful thing to think, but he was such a good kisser. Not that I had any experience to compare.

Finn was my first.

Oof! Why was kissing so spellbinding?

I hadn't had much sleep last night because I couldn't stop replaying it in my head. But instead of tiring, it rejuvenated me. Even with the lack of sleep, I had the energy to walk to school and smile as if I had the most restful slumber.

The bell for lunch period rang, jerking me out of my euphoria. I swallowed before turning to Lotty.

"So, lunch?" I asked her. This might be my chance to finally tell her.

"Sorry. I'm skipping lunch today," she said as she got up from her chair and slung her bag over her shoulder. "I'm going to the principal's office."

"Again?" I asked, trying not to sound worried.

"Yeah. I'm just going to ask if there's an opportunity for me to join the organizers for December events," she explained.

"Okay?" I didn't mean to sound doubtful, but Lotty had never volunteered to organize any event in the many years that I had known her.

"I'll see you later," she said and left.

If I was keeping a secret from her, she sure was doing the same with me. I wondered what was wrong. Maybe if I opened up to her, she'd also do the same.

I decided to look for Finn, and maybe finally eat lunch with him. I had seen him in the hallway for only a couple of minutes before the first period. He hadn't attempted to kiss me or take my hand. He only greeted me good morning, and I kind of regretted keeping him at bay.

As I stood up from my seat, I received a message from Finn as if he sensed I was thinking of him.

I had a thought that maybe I could go there and eat lunch with them. Would he introduce me as his girlfriend if I did? But I didn't want his teammates to know first before Lotty could.

Then I had a great idea. Maybe Finn and I could tell Lotty together. That way, I wouldn't be so scared.

The discussion couldn't wait any longer. I mustered up the courage and went to the field.

Treading across the dried grass and walking up to the bleachers, I glimpsed a couple of boys—some in their varsity jackets—eating finger foods. Among them, Dave's blond hair was a perfect match for the autumn browning-orange of the surroundings. But I couldn't spot Finn.

As I approached, Dave's eyes turned up and he smiled.

"Hey. Is Finn here?" I asked.

"I haven't seen him," he said. "'Sup?"

"Nothing. I just need to talk to him about something." I had planned to wait until Finn showed up, but what Dave said next shocked me.

"He usually hangs out with Lotty on the roof."

On the roof? With Lotty? "I thought he was going to hang out with you guys during lunch period." My voice shook.

"He didn't tell me he was going to join us," Dave responded. "Are you okay?" He furrowed his brows, staring at my face.

I might have been red and gawking because of the news. "I have to go." Turning, I strode back to the school, my pace quickening. Jealousy crept over my back.

No, Finn wouldn't lie, would he? And Lotty would never.

She was probably at the principal's office by now, and he was likely running late. I could bump into him in the hallway—I desperately wished.

As I entered the warmth of the building, I walked past the lockers, dropping by Finn's and hoping to see him there. But like at the bleachers, he wasn't there.

I was about to head to the stairs that led to the roof when I noticed his locker door was skewed. Dropping by, I pushed it closed but it wouldn't shut. I opened it with the intent to check what was blocking the frame. I shouldn't have done it.

A couple of pieces of paper poked out at the bottom of the locker. But they weren't ordinary paper—three bundles of the infographics I had given Finn was sitting there, mocking me as if I had been duped.

"What?" Confusion formed in my head.

Finn had said he'd given all of his copies away. I only gave him a single bundle last weekend.

It didn't make sense. Why would he lie?

Was he only helping me to get under my pants? Nasty thoughts started to cloud my mind. In novels, the popular guys were the villains—the ones who tortured innocent girls, deceiving them into doing degrading acts. But Finn hadn't done that to me... yet.

My lips quivered. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or scream, but I fixed the bundles inside and closed the locker door before rushing to the stairs that led to the roof of the school.

I hadn't been on the roof many times. It was supposed to be restricted, but some students broke the rules, and those students included Lotty and Finn.

Pushing down on the vile thoughts, I climbed the stairs, but my heart pumped harder as I neared the top. When I reached the door with an Emergency Exit sign at its top, I took a deep breath, wishing I wouldn't see my bestie. Please, not Lotty. Or at least they weren't there alone—they'd be standing four feet apart, only talking, being friends.

And there had to be an explanation why Finn still had three bundles of infographics hidden in his locker when he told me he'd been handing them all out. He said he'd done it for me.

When I slowly opened the door, through a small crack, the first thing I recognized under the bright noon sun was the back of Finn's Harrington jacket. Arms encircled his waist, and brunette hair—too familiar—tucked under his chin.

Lotty in Finn's arms. Finn in Lotty's arms.

They were in an intimate embrace, whispering to each other.

I stepped back, letting the door close in front of me. My breath caught in my lungs and my chest ached. Tears blurred my eyes. I couldn't continue to see it, and I couldn't confront them.

I ran down the stairs, almost tripping at the bottom step in my rush.

Finn was a liar. He was with Lotty after all.

"That two-timing jerk!" I cursed as I reached the hallway that was now filling with students going back to their classrooms for the afternoon periods.

I couldn't believe he did this to me.

And did Lotty know? She couldn't. She would never do this to me. My bestie wouldn't be with him if she was aware I was dating him too. She was likely ignorant to this as I was.

I walked through the hall, fighting the tears that threatened to fall, but as I pushed out the main exit doors, heat rolled down my cheek as if my tears were scorching. I stopped as soon as I was met with a cold gust of autumn wind, but I didn't shiver, standing there and trembling with fiery resentment.

Someone like Finn—popular, cute, and smart—could never have been attracted to someone like me. For days, I'd held my shame for my race and culture, and now all that indignity kept at bay came rushing like a hard rock smacking me in the face.

Finn could never like a half-Filipino half-American book nerd like me. Or maybe it wasn't my features, not my face, my height, or my skin. Maybe it was because I was a nerd.

I detested how he'd ignited my self-loathing—how I was pushing myself down to excuse him from cheating on me. An entitled, self-serving AI lover like him did not deserve it. He did not deserve me or Lotty.

I ran out though I knew I'd get in trouble at school for skipping the afternoon classes, but I wanted to bury myself in a hole somewhere and cry until these sickening feelings went away. My legs guided me as if I had no strength to make any decisions on my own, and I found my way to the library, the only safe place that could keep the emotions at bay. 

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Oh no! What have you done, Finn!?

Not the best time to say this but I'll say it anyway. Happy Reading!

Hi_D

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