It was Christmas, and Dan was pissed. He was pissed because he’d been dragged along to the ever pathetic excuse for a Christmas Party that his school threw every year by his two best friends; Chris and PJ. He was pissed because they’d abandoned him within the first five minutes to sit disgruntled and alone on a frilly table at the edge of the dance floor. And he was pissed because he’d maybe had a little too much of the complimentary punch.

Chris was making a scene as always in the centre of the floor. He had his arms draped around PJ and he was singing loudly along to Whitney Housten’s warbling rendition of ‘I Will Always love you’ with glazed eyes and stumbling feet.

“Oh Peej I love you!” He bellowed as the song faded to a close.

The hall tittered appreciatively – most of the school was used to this by now. Chris sucking up the attention as he tried to press a sloppy kiss against PJ’s protesting mouth. The girl Peej was supposed to be dancing with rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. It was all a show that Chris thought was hilarious and PJ grudgingly yet fondly went along with, but personally Dan thought it was getting a bit old.

He groaned into his hands as Chris jumped theatrically into PJ’s arms – nearly toppling the pair of them to the ground. Despite his annoyance he wanted nothing more than to be up there with them – having fun and making the most of the terrible 90’s music now playing. He wasn’t confident enough to get up there and join them; the circle around them was too thick and he’d just be third wheeling anyway. If this was a movie he’d steel PJ’s exasperated date and whisk her off to his car while Peej wasn’t looking; but he was an awkward virgin and this wasn’t an American high school movie where 16 year olds could own flashy cars and sport stubble.

He tried to catch PJ’s eye. Even in his drunken state Peej was always more conscientious than Chris and maybe he’d take pity on him and come over or call him out to dance. His attempt was interrupted though by the DJ (Mr Martin the PE teacher) announcing that it was time for the couples’ dance.

“Grab your partner! Everyone has to get up and dance, I’ll be coming around pairing up all the spoil sports so better get a move on or you’ll be dancing with Mrs Fellatio!”

Dan gasped in horror, staring frantically around the gym. Chris had claimed PJ instantly of course – to a scattering of laughter from the onlookers. PJ’s date had grudgingly paired up with one of her friends and wandered off and as Dan searched desperately for a friendly face the mass of people around him flowed towards the centre of the room with an excited buzz of chatter. Everywhere he looked couples were holding hands and clinging to each other’s arms. One group had a polygamous lesbian waltz going on and he even saw a boy from his maths class take a mop fox-trotting down the aisle.

Quickly he pulled himself up and tried to blend in to the throng of people, whilst subtly keeping tabs on Mr Martin as he weaved his way in and out of the tipsy students.

“Philip my Boy! Are you all alone tonight? Well we’ll have to fix that! Come on, I’m sure we can find someone – and if not there’s always the Delights of Mrs Fellatio.” He boomed.

Dan cringed for the unknown boy and made a beeline for two girls he recognised from his chemistry class, only just holding himself from breaking into a sprint.

“Howell! You single too?”

He froze, eyes snapping shut in pain.

“Well that won’t do will it! Not to worry, I’ve got a partner for you. He’s very clean. Now is that everyone?” Mr Martin turned his eyes back to the room, apparently oblivious to the sniggers that surround Dan and Phil where they’d been pressed together by huge, meaty hands.

Dan’s face burned as he glanced up at his new acquaintance from under his lashes. Phil looked even more unhappy than him, staring at his toes with thick, black hair falling in front of his eyes. Thankfully PJ and Chris had heard his name being called and tangoed their way to his aid with apologetic eyes – effectively dispersing the crowd and trying to make him laugh.

“Phil’s in my art class.” Chris grinned. “Trust me, you could have got a lot worse. Don’t worry everyone will have forgotten all this rubbish by tomorrow. Seriously like I know it’s shit but for them it will barely have registered in their tiny minds; they’re all drunk anyway.”

PJ shushed him, chastising him for talking over the instructions and Dan flashed them a weak smile as they took their place defiantly by his side. Sure enough, Mr Martin had grabbed hold of the crackly karaoke system once more and was attempting to explain the basic principles of a waltz to a horde of rebellious and sugar fuelled teenagers.

“Place your hands on your partner’s waist – her waist Michael. Higher. Higher. That’s the spot, now stick to it. You too Thomas. Now...”

Dan’s face flushed crimson as he glanced awkwardly at Phil before hovering his hands loosely around his back.

Phil copied – still careful not to make eye contact – and they stood as they were; staring determinedly at the walls over each other’s shoulders. Dan was taking steady breaths and repeating a mantra in his head - It will all be over in two minutes. No one cares - when his thoughts were interrupted by a voice that made him jump then burn with shame.

“Come on now you two at the back, grow up. It’s just a bit of fun! Give those waists a good squeeze like the contemporary, modern day people you are. We all know Phil’s about as straight as Christopher Kendall.”

The hall laughed and suddenly all eyes were on them and there was nothing PJ or Chris could do to block them out. Dan didn’t look at Phil – saving him that indignity at least – staring instead at the garland strewn ceiling and counting the tiles with his jaw set firmly. Phil was shaking silently in his arms and finally Dan made contact, squeezing his arms around his waist briefly in what he hoped was a sign of solidarity.

As the crowd’s attention was drawn once more back to the stage Phil returned Dan’s squeeze and they finally looked one another in the eye.

“I’m sorry.” Phil mumbled unhappily. His skin was pale but his cheeks resembled the berries that littered the wreathes of holly.

Dan shook his head. “It’s fine, we can get through this. Don’t be stupid.” He muttered.

Phil smiled weakly in gratitude. “I’m not actually gay by the way so like don’t worry. It’s been a running joke with that dickhead since he convinced himself that I was staring at him when he took his top off to show us all that bloody wrestling scar. I wasn’t.  I was actually staring at a cloud that looked like a penis right behind his head; but I didn’t think telling him that would exactly help my case.”

Dan snorted. “No. Somehow I think not. Oh god.” He took a deep breath, shaking his head as the music started and they began to revolve slowly on the spot.

“I’m not either, gay that is. You know, so like, no homo and all that.” Dan grinned, gesturing to the position of their arms and the few small centimetres between them.

“Really, I’d have thought hanging round with those two would have rubbed off on you.” Phil grinned back.

“Hey I heard that!” Chris called from the elaborate and enthusiastic circles he was weaving with PJ. “It’s not infectious you know. Jesus.”

They both laughed, falling silent for a minute to focus on their stumbling feet. They were stepping on each other’s toes more than the floor and somehow Dan didn’t think either of them were destined to be ballroom dancers.

“They’re not actually gay either though.” He said after a moment. “Chris just plays it up for the attention and PJ doesn’t mind because I guess it’s made them closer.”(Chris pressed his body to PJ’s; running his hands down Peej’s back all the way to his thighs and sighing loudly.) “In every possible way.”

Phil was laughing along with the rest of the hall. “I know – no one actually thinks they are but then every now and then they’re just so gay that you can’t help but question it.”

“Tell me about it.” Dan rolled his eyes. “There’s so much sexual tension, they should just fuck and let it all out.”

Phil sniggered. “Maybe they do already.”

“Nah.” Dan grinned. “I wouldn’t put it past Chris but PJ’s definitely straight. He’s too charming not to be – with all those girls fawning over him and his husky voice.”

“Are you sure you’re not gay?” Phil raised his eyebrows with a smile.

“Maybe for PJ a little.” Dan giggled.

They’d both forgotten about their embarrassment by now, holding comfortably to each other’s waists and wandering in a small circle inside Chris and PJ’s elaborate arc. They talked easily – starting with the basics like classes and teachers and friends and then progressing to Pokémon; films and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. They had a lot in common, and Dan was really starting to enjoy himself.

The song stopped and they let go quickly, hands snapping to the safety of their sides.

“So. Um, who are you with? Because I was with those two clowns and they’ve kinda abandoned me.” Dan rolled his eyes.

“I was third wheeling too; let’s stick together for moral support.” Phil smiled. “Want more punch?”

~

Three hours and several gallons of punch later, a very drunk Dan and Phil sat collapsed against a wall in a corner giggling into each other’s arms. Most of the hall had either dispersed into couples or retreated disgruntled and barefoot to the tables with blister-inducing-heels dangling off their arms. PJ and Chris were slow dancing in the middle of the hall and struggling to stay upright – murmuring slurred words of love and adoration into each other’s hair.

“Christ it’s hot.” Dan sighed, after finally catching his breath from their latest bout of laughter.

“Let’s go outside it’s just depressing in here anyway.” Phil agreed. “We need to check out the ‘Winter Wonderland’ they promised us!”

“Ooo yes!” Dan squealed, jumping to his feet and pulling Phil up afterwards. He may have misjudged the leap a tad though as he over balanced – swinging round and toppling them both back to the floor in a heap of hopeless laughter.

~

It took them nearly half an hour to make it outside, but once free the cold air cleared their heads a little and they set out in a vaguely straight like to search for wondrous winter.

“I see fairy lights.” Phil giggled. “I think we’re close I- ooo Dan look at the stars!”

He tugged on Dan’s arm, pulling him around and forcing his head up to the sky.

“Aww so pwetty.” Dan slurred.

“I love stars.” Phil smiled happily.

“I know!” Dan cried. “Stars are so cool.”

“They’re like burny though. Pretty stars. I love stars.”

 “The fucking streetlamps are always getting in the way though. I fucking hate streetlamps.”

“Me too.” Phil nodded earnestly. “They should just burn.”

“Burn all the streetlamps.” Dan agreed.

“Yeah. Burn the streetlamps.”

“I know. Like fire and flames and POOF no more fucking streetlamps.”

“All gone!”

“Vamooshyywooshy!”

“Then they’ll explode and there’ll be more stars!”

“Yeah!”

The conversation continued in its intellectual and philosophical timbre all the way into the bejewelled trees that glistened with hundreds of twinkling lights.

“Aww Dan it’s even prettier close up.” Phil crooned.

“It’s like a proper winter wonderland.” Dan turned to Phil with a smile. “Hey! It’s all sparkling in your eyes!”

“Yours too!” Phil squeaked excitedly.

“Yeah but yours are so blue and pretty. They’re like a winter wonderland.” Dan placed a hand clumsily on Phil’s shoulder.

“Winter wonderland.” Phil giggled.

“Yeah.”

“It’s wonderful and wintry and landy.”

“Landy’s not a word.”

“Yes it is.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then.”

They collapsed into giggles, clutching at each other’s shirts.

“Dan the lights are spinning. I think I might maybe need to sit down a little bit.”

“Sitting is good.” Dan agreed, and they fell with a collective thump behind a bush, falling back on the grass and staring up at the stars once more.

~

It was only as Dan rolled over to face his new friend that he got a chance to really stare into those glittering eyes that reflected the night and the stars and the fairylights back at him. He touched a finger to Phil’s translucent check.

“You’re so pale you’re like a ghost.” He giggled.

“And you’re like honey. It’s not fair. You’re all brown and warm and cuddly like caramel and chocolate and sweet things. I think I’m actually starting to forgive Mr Martin for doing that now otherwise I would have just sat on my own all night.” Phil smiled serenely.

“Yeah me too.” Dan stroked Phil’s cheek absentmindedly. “You’re like soft, warm ice. You’re like a teddy with a cool fringe. Literally how do you make it do that.”

“That feels nice.” Phil sighed.

“Not homo at all.” Dan giggled.

“You started it. But anyway, I straighten it and dye it so I guess that’s a little gay.”

“Nah it’s not I straighten mine.”

“Really? What’s it like naturally?”

“It’s really curly and disgusting.”

“What, like hobbit hair?”

“Yeah oh my god.” Dan laughed. “That’s exactly what it’s like.”

“I can’t imagine you with hobbit hair.” Phil giggled.

“Trust me you don’t want to.”

“Yes I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“I’m imagining it right now.”

“Stop it!”

“No it’s cute.”

“You’re so homo Phil Lester.”

“Says the one stroking my hair.”

“Shit!” Dan giggled. “I didn’t even realise I was doing that.”

“That’s okay, it feels nice in the least homosexual way.”

“Oh god. We’re so single and alone.”

“I know. I’m craving human touch right now.”

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes please.”

“Okay let’s hug the homo out.”

Dan was warm in Phil’s arms and they held each other tight in blissful, hazy silence.

“It’s not gay if we’re drunk.” Phil mumbled into Dan’s shoulders. “Everyone’s all loving when they’re drunk, it’s the only time we can.”

“Getting deep.” Dan grinned, burrowing his face into the warm spot in Phil’s neck. “You’re right though. It’s not fair because this is so nice I wanna hug you all the time.”

“Let’s be hugging buddies.”

“It’s a deal. Totally not homosexual hugging.”

“Exactly. You’re like the least gay person I’ve ever met anyway.” Phil winked, and Dan punched him playfully in the arm.

“Says you.” He muttered.

“Hey! I’m like super straight. I have a poster of Sarah Michelle Geller above my bed.”

“That’s like 20 straight points. I have one of Matt Bellamy, what’s that?”

“Like minus 30.”

“Hey! Why’s he more?”

“Because he’s hot but you can get off to his voice as well as his face.”

“PHIL.”

“What?”

“Minus a hundred for you for that sentence.”

“Don’t try to tell me you haven’t.”

“Okay. Maybe more minus for me.”

“You realise we’re both negative now.”

“Nah. I held hands with a girl once. That’s got to be like plus 50.”

“Still minusy.”

“You’re minusy.”

“Your mum’s minusy.”

“That would be cool, then I’d be like biologically impossible and experimented on by scientists.”

“How is that cool? They’d all cut you up and stuff!”

“With giant scissors.”

“Huge blue scissors right through your bones.”

“Why are they blue?”

“They are.”

“Okay.”

“Blue like your soul.”

“I thought you said I was brown?”

“Brown on the outside. Blue on the inside. What shade of blue though it’s really important.”

“It’s the colour of your eyes.”

“I can see into your soul.”

“Jesus I’ve only just met you.”

“Your fault.”

“Do you think bushes have souls?”

“Yes.”

“So is there like a bush heaven? Where all the bushes go to meet their family and chill with bush god?”

“And there’s angel bushes that float around on clouds playing harps.”

“How does a bush play a harp?”

“Magic. They have lasers and an onboard bazooka. Also dragon flames shoot from behind they’re fire resistant obviously because they’re dead. And they go nyooooom and charge at each other.”

“That sounds like a badass heaven I wanna go to that heaven angelic singing and eternal peace is way too boring.”

“So you want to be a bush.”

“Yes. It is my new life goal.”

“That’s why we’re here, to observe them and take on their habits and learn their ways and become more bushy day by day.”

“And then we can grow a big bushy beard.”

“We’ll be bush people.”

“Winter wonderland fairylight bush people.”

“We can grow broccoli to live.”

“Then we’d be eating ourselves.”

“No, we could eat each other.”

They lapsed into giggles once more, doubled over at the waist. Eventually they calmed and Phil took on a sombre expression as he turned to Dan.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He murmured.

“’course.”

“I’ve never actually kissed anyone before. But I’m 99% sure I’m straight.”

“Me neither.”

“Really?!”

“Really really. It’s embarrassing isn’t it.”

“Tell me about it. I- I just thought you would have, I mean you’re really good looking and stuff. No homo.”

“Absolutely no homosexuality here. You are too though, I mean it.” Dan poked Phil lightly in the ribs.

“I’m not nearly as pretty as you are.” Phil slurred, catching Dan’s hand and pulling gently at each finger in turn – bending and straightening at the joint and running his nails over the smooth skin.

“We’re cuddle buddies though. We’re allowed to tell each other you’re they’re hot.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Your face doesn’t make sense.”

“Your mum doesn’t make sense.”

“That’s not what she was screaming last night.”

“You fucked your own mum?”

“No that’s not what I said.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it’s not! Wait, is it? What did I say...?”

“That you had sex with your mother. Daniel I’m appalled to be your cuddle buddy.”

Dan buried his face ashamedly in Phil’s jacket as they laughed. The scene was swimming before his eyes and as he looked up he caught Phil’s stare.

“Your eyes are so pretty.” He sighed. “You could go swimming in them. They’re like a lake of beautifulness.”

“Please don’t swim in my eyes that would hurt.” Phil ran his fingers fondly through Dan’s hair. “We need to stay friends. We’re cuddle buddies now it is law.”

“Yes. Friendship. Need more of it. No, what I really need is a girlfriend.” Dan sighed dramatically. “I’m so lonely.”

“I’m scared of getting a girlfriend.” Phil admitted.

“Me too. What if I’m awful at kissing? No one’s lame enough to never have kissed someone at 16 so she’ll be all awesome and tongue-y and I’ll be like just poking her with my mouth or something.” Dan tried to sit up but rolled backwards onto the grass with a soft thump and here he remained, staring up at the night’s sky. It was littered with diamonds that twinkled comfortingly down at him and the alcohol was making him feel very warm.

“Same.” Phil agreed, laying down next to him. “Kissing’s really weird when you think about it. I mean surely it will be all wet and ewey? And what if you like headbutt them or- Dan, where do the noses go?!”

“Oh my god. I didn’t think of that!” Dan gasped. “Surely you’re like, rubbing nostrils and breathing all over them. What if you have a cold?!”

Phil stared horrified back at him. “Dan. If your eyes are closed, how do you aim?”

They were rigid on the grass now, staring at each other with panic in their eyes.

“Shit Phil.” Dan whispered. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Phil wailed. “This is disastrous.”

“It’s a catastrophe.”

“A cacophony.”

“Cataclysm. Ism.  Calamity.”

“You can’t speak.”

“Your mum can’t speak.”

“No but she can kiss, unlike you. I should know.”

“Ohhh boom.” Dan grinned, the woes of misfortune momentarily forgotten.

Phil pulled himself up to a sitting position, swaying slightly. “Dan I’m serious. What do we do? This could go so horribly wrong.”

“We need like a kissing buddy that we can practice on.” Dan frowned.

“Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” Phil squeaked.

“I think... maybe? I mean we’re already cuddle buddies it’s not much of a step further and hey I’ve only just met you. We don’t ever have to talk to each other again.” Dan puckered slightly at the thought.

“I want to be your friend though. I’ve never had a friend that I’ve got on so easily with as you. Like, I know you probably do but I don’t have a best friend. I know we’re too old for best friends but you know what I mean – someone I have loads and loads in common with. Is that gay?” Phil stared anxiously at Dan.

“No I know I don’t have a best friend either. Phil let’s be best friends because best friends can have secrets and stuff so we can like screw our eyes shut and practice and think of Sarah Michelle Gellar.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re still pretty drunk we probably won’t even remember it in the morning. And no one will ever find out - we’re in a fucking bush for Christ’s sake.” Dan was mumbling now, tripping over his words in a rush to get them out.

“Are you sure though? I mean do you really want your first kiss to be with me?” Phil frowned.

“First kisses are overrated. Let’s just get it over and done with it’s getting awkward now.”

“Okay.” Phil agreed.

Neither of them moved.

“Well?” Dan raised an eyebrow.

“I was waiting for you.”

“It was your idea.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.”

“Definitely wasn’t. Let’s do heads or tails.”

“Oh this is stupid. Just kiss me already.”

Phil took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and leaned tentatively forwards.

“Don’t close your eyes now you idiot! You were about to snog a fucking bush.” Dan snorted as he pushed Phil backwards.

As he did, he closed his own eyes and pressed his lips against Phil’s. It wasn’t nearly as wet as he was expecting; then again he was only on the outside and it was cold and his lips were chapped. As he moved to open his mouth slightly their noses bumped and confirmed his initial hypothesis of nose sex when attempting to kiss. Inside was a little wetter but thankfully Phil made no attempt to stick his tongue down Dan’s throat and they cautiously began to move with one another.

There’s was just so much to think about. What did he do with his hands? They were floating awkwardly over Phil’s shoulders but moving them would break the contact and that wasn’t allowed, was it? He was focusing so hard on not bashing their teeth together that he completely forgot to breathe and pulled back suddenly – sucking in a lungful of air.

Phil’s eyes were wide. “Okay. Kissing.” He huffed.

“What do you think?” Dan asked.

“It’s not as good or as bad as I expected it to be.”

“Same.”

“Wanna try again?”

“Okay.”

~

They were making out lazily in the grass with stars as their backdrop and a veil of twinkling lights to keep them warm. Dan wasn’t sure exactly when he stopped cringing and started enjoying it, but he found himself automatically snaking his hands down Phil’s back and through his hair and up his thigh. And Phil was responding; pressing gentle kisses against Dan’s lips and over his jaw when they stopped for a moment. Dan’s legs were twisted between Phil’s and his hand cupping gently at the base of Phil’s face when they were interrupted by a crash, a thud of feet and the sound of heavy breathing.

They froze as PJ and Chris sprinted into the clearing gasping for air and clutching hungrily at each other. PJ pushed Chris heavily up against a tree and crashed their lips together; his hands already at his shirt buttons – ripping and tearing at the fabric.

“I’m going to fuck you right here and I’m going to make you scream.” PJ whispered; his lips pressed to Chris’s cheek.

Dan and Phil lay as they were behind their bush, frozen to the spot with identical expressions of horror. Phil pulled his face away and turned to Dan.

“What do we do?” He hissed. “We can’t let them know we’re here.”

“If we get up they’ll see us, they’re gonna find us anyway we’re not exactly hidden and I’d really rather not stay to see the finale.” Dan whispered back.

“Fuck, Peej.” Chris moaned.

Dan and Phil simultaneously screwed their eyes shut and gasped.

The clearing fell silent.

“Oh. Um, hi guys. We didn’t see you there.” PJ mumbled.

“Obviously.” Dan said, his eyes still firmly shut.

“Looks like you got friendly with Phil after all.” Dan could hear the grin in Chris’s voice.

“Looks like I’m not opening my eyes until your dick is firmly back in your pants.” Dan said acidly.

“Alright alright I’m decent calm down.” Chris breathed deeply. “Okay. We’ve both seen something we shouldn’t and we’ll all suffer if this gets out so let’s just take the vow of silence okay and maybe one day we can have a truly fantastic foursome. For now though it’s clear this spot is taken and we’re terribly sorry, we’ll relocate. Enjoy your evening boys.”

“Oh Jesus.” Dan said.

~

Phil and Dan had almost completely sobered up as they sat on the wall outside the school in the early hours of the morning; legs swinging in time over the edge.

“So. What now.” Phil mused.

“I don’t really know.” Dan confessed. “I’ve only just met you and we were really drunk.”

“I know. But like, not really really drunk. You know?”

“I know.”

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we’re gay?”

“Maybe a little homo after all huh.”

“Just a little. By the way, Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas. Ho ho homo.”