"Oh ma douce souffrance. Pourquoi s'acharner? Tu recommences..."

Indila_French singer

Norabel

On Monday my world would be turned upside down once again but this time I received absolutely no sign from the universe. I woke up with an unusual smile and daydreamed for about twenty minutes before I got up to do my mourning routine.

It took me probably twice the amount of time to brush my teeth as it normally would. As I stood before the mirror above the sink I caught my faraway gaze reliving the delicious fire that almost consumed Ethan and me last night.

I didn't expect our movie session to take such an R-rated turn but far be it from me to complain. My lady parts have come alive after months of solitude. To be honest I might have gotten a bit addicted to the preview that Ethan gave me about how intense he could be in the bedroom.

I need to find a way to get back to him though. He completely reduced me at his mercy last night and while my lady parts thank him for his service, I can't let the man have the upper hand all the time. I will need to have a special coaching session with Keisha to be prepared the next time things get heated between us...

I spit the paste, rinse my mouth and look back into the mirror to analyze my expression. People often say that there's a noticeable change in your eyes when you start to feel deeply about someone. Do my eyes look brighter than their regular calm brown?

I refuse to dwell on this interrogation and trade my satin sleeping bonnet for a plastic shower cap before I undress to get in the cabin. I've never made a habit of singing when I'm in there – what with my terrible voice that even I can't listen to – but today is an exception. I find myself channeling my inner Beyoncé and then start to voice the beginning of "Halo". My vocal cords have decided not to be wobbly in honor of this memorable rendition of the iconic lyrics "Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumbling down..."

By the time I finish the song, I've convinced myself that I deserve a Grammy. This delusion can be blamed on the fact that I had two orgasms last night that I haven't recovered from.

When I get back to my bedroom I take extra care choosing my outfit. Even if I always pay attention to what I wear, today I want to stand out more because it is day one of this brand new unlabeled situation between Ethan and I. Feeling sexy is definitely on the menu. The summer heat justifies my choice for a light brown crop top, and I swear I'm not only motivated by the fact that it puts my chest at a good advantage. As for the rest, white jeans that give my butt a peach-perfect look and nude flat sandals will do.

My natural hair didn't survive the twist out after the wildness of last night so I hydrate them to get the compliance I need for a new hairstyle. I also apply some strong hold gel to serve as the foundation for a sleek result on my scalp. My favorite go-to style when I'm in a rush is a high puff. I realize it in five minutes. My Afro bun thrones on top of my head, a luxurious bouquet gleaming thanks to the right spray.

I send myself a flying kiss in the mirror.

Looking good mama!

As I leave my bedroom with my bag over my shoulder all of my thoughts are directed to Ethan and his reaction when he's going to see me. At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful ass, I hope that Jasmine hasn't woken up yet. Maybe I could get a little moment with Ethan before heading out to school...

My legs carry me down the stairs in hurried footsteps. This now familiar thrill of excitement warms up my blood the closer I get to the kitchen and I hear noises coming from there. I round the corner with a smile plastered on my face and walk in. I already have all sorts of improvised ways to say "hello" to Ethan the second our eyes meet.

Jasmine turns around alerted by my presence and greets me with a cheerful smile.

"Good morning, Norabel. Did you have a good night?"

A quick survey of the kitchen confirms that Ethan isn't here. I drag my feet to the table battling to not show any hint of disappointment on my face. No need to tip off Jasmine that I was hoping I'd find her son in the kitchen to have a hot make-out session before I leave for uni.

"Morning Jasmine, my night was great thanks."

I eat the breakfast she's prepared for me while we talk about mundane things. My eyes keep glancing furtively outside the kitchen in the hope that Ethan will come down those stairs any second now. I finish my plate and then wash my dishes as slowly as I can to make time for him to show up before I leave but there's no sight of him.

What the heck is doing upstairs? Did last night drain him so much that he had to catch up on his beauty sleep to regain energy? An unexpected giggle bubbles out of my throat at the idea that what we did last night KO'd him.

I snap back to reality when I notice that Jasmine is looking at me with an intriguing look. I might be too late but I try to disguise my not-so-subtle outburst behind a cough.

"I'm sorry you were saying?"

"Nothing much darling," she answers with a happy intonation that puts me on guard.

My task completed I wish her a good day, taking note of the mischievous glint in her eyes when she tells me, "I'm sure Ethan will be bummed out that he missed you this morning."

I fidget a moment about what would be an appropriate answer before I let out a small, "It's not a big deal," and then bolt right out of the kitchen. I swear I can hear her laugh discreetly in my back.

Is Jasmine onto us?

***

On my way to uni, I exchange a few texts with Keisha who informs me that she'll be skipping school today. She slept over at Kadrick's last night and of course didn't bring a change of clothes since it happened "unexpectedly".

Her last message is so hilarious that I have to clasp my hand over my mouth to avoid laughing out loud inside the bus.

Starting to think I should get into more fights with Kadrick. He dicked my brain out last night. Not sure I'll be able to walk normally until the next full moon.

My shoulders are shaking as I silently laugh which earns me a glare from the woman sitting next to me that I pretend not to notice.

Another text from Keisha comes in.

What about you and Ethan? Did you eat that lollipop???

I type my reply with a satisfied grin.

Before we get to that part I need to share the tea about everything that happened at Kole Sere ;) I'll call you later today.

She answers right away.

OMG CAN'T WAIT!!!

My best friend is about to have a heart attack later and I'm ready for it.

Due to the insane Monday traffic, I arrive at school fifteen minutes late and find myself running through campus. I happen to have a lecture with the world's most obsessed professor about early attendance. I bump into a few students in the hallway who retaliate with irritated grunts. I throw some quick apologies because there's no way I'll slow down.

When the class finally comes into view, relief washes over me when I spot the open door. If it were closed it would mean that the professor wouldn't allow me inside. I slow my pace a little and quickly run a tissue over my face and pat my hair to not appear all sweaty and disheveled when I walk. The worse thing right after being late is to draw unnecessary attention to you.

My last-second effort at trying to make myself presentable proves to be of no use because when I walk in the students are all gathered in a tight circle and the professor is nowhere in sight, a premiere for him because he's never late.

I walk up to the students, unease settling in my gut while taking note of the heavy atmosphere, not only are they talking in hushed voices when they are usually very loud, but there's also a grim look on their faces that adds to the somber ambiance hovering in the room. Despite not knowing what's going on yet my senses stand on full alert.

"What's going on?" I ask as soon as I reach the group.

The conversations cease instantly and one of the girls looks up to me with tears brimming in her eyes. In this brief moment between the second, I've asked, and right before I get the answer, time becomes a distorted version of reality, blurry and out of focus. The girl's mouth says the words and my ears have heard them but my brain refuses to process them.

"I'm sorry what?"

"Henry's dead."

I shake my head as if to rebuke the harsh cold reality.

"What do you mean? I was with him on Friday." But even as I say this I'm suddenly reminded of the messages I've left this weekend that were unanswered. Yet I refuse to believe what I'm hearing. "He was fine when we parted ways," I finish weakly.

"It happened on his way home," another guy says. "I've got a cousin who lives in the same neighborhood. He told me they found Henry on the streets beaten and shot dead."

My hand shoots up to my mouth as an animal cry rises from my throat. My world tilts on its axis and I don't realize that my legs are about to fail me until the student who has just spoken leaves his seat to come hold me upright.

"You might be in shock," he says. "Try to take a deep breath. It's gonna be okay."

When I look up to him it's not his face that I see but the soft features of Henry who repeated this same sentence to me last Friday when we were stuck in front of the gates waiting to be let out.

"It's gonna be okay," he said.

How can it ever be now?

The rest of the morning up until lunchtime is a blur of lectures that I tune out as I keep reviewing in my mind what little interactions I've had with Henry in four years. The biting grip of regret wraps around my throat leaving me in a permanent state of holding back tears. When I finally get my break of the day I gather my things in haste and storm past the students crowding the hallways in the direction of the closest restrooms.

Once I'm inside the privacy of the lady's toilet I bend over the countertop, mouth above the sink, and chest heaving. I close my eyes to avoid seeing my regurgitated breakfast. When I'm sure my stomach has nothing more left inside, I turn on the faucet to wash it all away, rinse my mouth, then my face.

I receive a text from Ethan asking how my day is going and I type an honest answer which is horribly. I'm surprised when he tells me that he's also having a hell of a day. He doesn't go into details but he promises that we'll talk at home. Apprehension curls inside my gut at how ominous his text sounds.

***

This afternoon I come back to Jasmine's house to find Ethan sitting in the living room with his laptop on his lap. There are a bunch of discarded envelopes on the coffee table and also many papers placed haphazardly on its glass surface.

I get a sense of déjà-vu from the day I moved in. Back then Ethan had been working right there before I came down the stairs to ask him for the Wi-Fi password. Has it been just a week since it happened?

Ethan glances toward me. His face begins to brighten up before his expression falls. He must realize how terrible I look because, in a matter of seconds, he stands from the couch and crosses the distance between us.

Without a word, he opens his arms and I fall right into his embrace.

"You heard the news about your friend," he says.

It's not a question but an assessment. I suppose a journalist would already have that kind of information.

"Henry's death is on the news?"

"Not that I know of but I received the tip this morning. I also met with his mother today for a brief interview. I might cover what happened to him."

We stand there for a moment without words, holding onto each other as if holding onto a lifeline. After a while, Ethan guides me back to the couch. I let him take my bag as we sit down. I bury myself against his warm chest. He probably took a shower right before my return because when I inhale, I breathe in the faint scent of his soap, his cologne, and something else that's simply Ethan. I let my eyelids shut, allowing the smell of him to nurture my bleeding heart. He begins to make soothing motions on my back.

I push back the tears that I've been fighting all day and decide to speak to keep them away.

"Why do such horrible things keep happening?"

"I wish I had the answer to that," Ethan answers defeated. "There's no end in sight to all this violence."

"He didn't deserve this," my voice breaks and I bite my lips.

Ethan places a soft kiss on my forehead.

"I know sweetheart. I know."

It might be best to ask him about what he's been working on before I arrived. Maybe he's learned more than I did at school.

"What are all those papers?"

"Twenty-four letters from kids that Henry taught at a catholic center in his neighborhood."

Ethan tells me about his visit there and the nice nun who received him. The more I hear about the kind of person that Henry used to be I realize that our community has lost an angel.

My phone rings in my pocket. I sit up from Ethan's embrace to reach for it. My heart swells inside of my chest when I see the contact name, the person that I wanted to hear from right now.

"It's my mother. I'll take the call upstairs and let you get back to work."

"Okay, sweetheart."

I stand up and lean over Ethan to grab my bag. My position over his body creates the opportunity for him to grab my neck and pull me in for a stolen kiss. It's nothing passionate or hungry like the kisses we exchanged last night. That one is serene. His lips take me on a trip along a meandering river that follows a meadow above which a twilight sky glitters in fiery hues of orange and pink. I find peace in his lips. My grieving soul settles down for a nap.

When we break apart his heart is looking at me through his eyes.

"I'm here if you want to talk about this okay?"

"Thank you," I breathe out.

I can't resist giving him a final peck before picking up the call and making my way to the stairs. Right after I greet my mother I hear Ethan call out my name and turn around.

"What is it?" I mouth as Mom begins to talk about her day.

His volcanic gaze travels over my body. I remember now that he didn't get to see me this morning before I left for uni. When his eyes settle back on mine after their exploration he speaks to me with the intonation of a man ready to savor me on the spot, phone calls be damned.

"You're other-worldly exquisite Norabel."

My heart makes a million leaps out of my chest to go dive right into the ocean. I would love to stay there to explore the simmering electricity that has started to arise between us but I need to talk to my mom.

Ethan seems to understand my struggle and simply winks at me before going back to his work. I quickly go to my bedroom before my hormones get the best of me. I close the door, take off my sandals then throw myself on the bed. This new heaviness inside my heart provoked by the tragic news of today makes me sink further into the mattress.

When my turn comes to tell Mom about my day, I hesitate to mention Henry's death, afraid that I'll get overwhelmed by emotions. My despair is a living entity that stands guard at all times, ready to squeeze every bit of oxygen out of my lungs until I suffocate. I don't want to let it overpower me.

Deep down I know that talking about what happened with my mother will lighten my burden. I contemplate the ceiling in the hope maybe that the words to express my rage will magically appear above me. When I muster enough courage to start talking about Henry, everything pours out of me at once. Mom listens patiently without ever interrupting until the silence falls between us and she understands that I'm done talking.

"Did I ever tell you about the most terrifying moment of my life?" Mom asks with a solemnity that awakens my curiosity.

"I don't think so."

On the other line, I hear them take in a deep breath before she begins to speak.

"It was after your father and I got divorced. I remember that it dawned upon me that the person who I thought was going to be the love of my life was suddenly gone and I felt like an imposter at the idea that I would have to raise you by myself. Didn't feel qualified for the job at the time."

"I think you did great Mom."

"Now in hindsight, I can see that. But you wanna know what kept me going back then?"

"What did?"

"I had to find myself a purpose. I realized that I needed a compass to keep my life on track so I focused on the only goal I could dedicate my time to giving you the life that you deserve. From the moment I took that decision, every day when I opened my eyes and sensed the weight of the world sitting heavily on my shoulders, I shook myself and remembered that I had a beautiful baby girl to raise. I had to be strong and do the work. And from experience, I can tell you that it's often when you feel at your lowest that you'll find out how much strength there is inside of you. Use that strength to find your purpose and eventually, it will lead you out of the darkness."

By the time she's finished talking, tears are streaming down my face. I don't try to hold them back this time.

My mother's words find their way inside of me, mending the fissured part of me that hopelessness tried to infiltrate. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes, letting a sense of calm take command of the thoughts running wild inside my head. For a moment it's completely quiet. Then I hear the words of my mother echoing once again.

"Find your purpose. Find your strength."

When I open my eyes a cold determination is now flowing alongside the blood in my veins.

"Thank you, Mom, your advice helped me gain a new perspective."

"I'm happy I could help my love."

That night I don't go to sleep and spend the entire time working on the plan that I have in mind. I refuse to let Henry become another forgotten name in the long list of victims of gang violence.

It's gonna be okay Henry. I've got you.

***Chapter End Notes***

"Oh my Sweet suffering. Why do you keep  coming back?" (I took the liberty to paraphrase this) Song: "Dernière Danse" by Indila released in 2013

Bonus Picture 

 Norabel deserved an aesthetic for this chapter! (I took the picture of the sky from home!)