«Ne pense plus à lui, tu t'fais du mal, s'te plaît, n'y pense plus. Il a souillé ton âme, toi tu t'es battue.»

Tayc_Cameroonian-French singer

Norabel

I turn off the faucet and lift my head to look at myself in the mirror above the sink. My eyes are still slightly red but there's nothing I can do about it so I reach for a towel and dry my face.

I didn't expect to get so emotional when Ethan decided to tell me the story behind how he got shot. But I guess it triggered my memories about constantly hearing gunshots and wondering if the next bullet was going to come for me.

I get out of the bathroom and while crossing the hall leading to my guest room, I spot Ethan about to open the door to his bedroom. He halts when he sees me. For a brief moment he seems about to say something but seconds pass and he remains silent.

"Are you feeling better?" I ask. We finished lunch not long ago and he seemed to be in better condition than when I had just arrived.

I didn't recognize the names of the medication he asked me to bring so when the pharmacist asked me if I was buying them for someone with a heart condition, I texted Ethan who then sent me a picture of his signed medical prescription. Thankfully after showing the picture to the guy behind the counter, he handed me the pills.

"I am," Ethan says before asking right away, "Are you free this afternoon?"

For a brief moment, my mind goes completely blank. I can't make sense of his words so I find myself repeating his question.

"Am I free this afternoon?"

He nods.

"I've noticed you're always in your bedroom and it's been already five days since you moved in. I wondered if you were getting bored. I could take you around the neighborhood to get some fresh hair and relax a bit. It's your last year at uni I know how stressful it can be."

I mentally review his suggestion. After the mock presentation of my thesis, I have less work to do now and could use some distractions. I spent half of my week focused on memorizing my presentation until I could say it in my sleep and the other half throwing myself a pity party about missing home.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to go out.

"I'm free," I say. "It would be nice to get familiar with the neighborhood."

An unexpected grin lightens up Ethan's face and my heart does a weird somersault. I decide to blame it on my fragile emotional state after hearing his story.

"Let's meet downstairs around 5 PM then. Does that work for you?"

"No problem."

"Perfect. And we won't need a car this time."

He disappears inside his bedroom and I head toward mine.

I can't help thinking about the irony behind the fact that not too long ago I'd promised myself to avoid talking to Ethan but now that we've cleared up the air regarding what happened in the bookshop last Sunday he seems to want to start over on a better note. I think it's a good idea. After all, we're living in the same house so it's best to be friendly toward each other.

That's right. Ethan and I could eventually become good friends.

***

As we walk on the sidewalk of the cobblestoned street, we pass by houses with huge gates and high walls enclosing their properties. I can't help but notice the difference between the houses here and those from my former neighborhood in Croix-des-bouquets.

Back home you would often notice people sitting on their porch, usually with a radio blasting some popular political show, you would hear the gleeful shouts of children playing on the streets or catch neighbors striking up a conversation with each other when they walk past someone's home and saw them in their front yard.

Around here the streets are quiet and you see nobody when you pass by those houses except for the ones that have security guards stationed at their entrance. It's not hard to realize that the kind of people living in those heavily guarded properties belongs to a certain economic status.

I wonder if Ethan is taking me somewhere in particular or if we're just walking. Either way, I don't mind. It feels nice to be out.

I can't help coming back to the conversation Ethan and I had earlier. I hadn't expected him to share something so personal with me. As he talked I could see that a weight lifted off his shoulders. I'm guessing he's never had the occasion of talking about what he experienced that night in full detail.

Ethan wouldn't want to worry his mother more than necessary so I'm pretty sure when he talked to Jasmine about that night he glossed over the real terror of what he went through. And if he went to the police afterward the conversation he must have had with them was probably more mechanical than anything.

Talking to me about what happened might have been the first opportunity that Ethan had to fully express the emotions he kept inside after going through such a traumatic event. I sincerely hope he felt better afterward. He did look relieved. I'm glad I was there to listen.

As peculiar as it might seem, the fact that Ethan shared a piece of himself with me makes me want to do the same. There are some emotions that I've bottled up for eight months. It's time to finally let them out. Before I have a chance to think it over and change my mind I start telling Ethan what happened between my ex and I.

"I met Carl during my sophomore year at uni," I begin as we keep walking. In the corner of my eyes, I see Ethan turn his face in my direction. After some consideration I add, "He was my first boyfriend."

This time I look straight at Ethan to see his reaction. He looks baffled.

"How in hell did you manage to stay single until your second year of university?"

I let out a small laugh before shrugging.

"It wasn't that I wanted to stay single. I never had the occasion to date before. I spent my primary and secondary education at a private school for girls. Since my mom was a single parent she became overly protective. She had a bunch of strict rules that made it impossible for me to encounter other guys my age. I couldn't go to parties, not even those at my school, and I couldn't go out with my girlfriends either. It was just school then home."

We're silent for a while as we cross the street and I notice how this new road that we're on is leading us uphill. Ethan is the first to break the silence.

"At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I have to say that your teenage years were extremely sad. Not because you didn't get to be around boys your age but you missed having a lot of fun with your friends."

I don't hold that against him.

"I admit that it was kind of lonely but I got used to it because it was all I ever knew. Then fast forward to university. During my first year, I didn't make friends. Nobody connected with me until sophomore year when I met Keisha, my best friend."

"The romance novel addict?" Ethan asks with a hint of humor in his voice.

I smile. He remembers our conversation in the bookshop.

"That's her," I answer. "When I met Keisha she was a freshman but the way she carried herself around campus you would've thought she was a senior. She had connections in many departments. People were simply drawn to her it was mesmerizing to witness. As we became closer she started asking me to come with her to the parties she got invited to. That's how I met Carl, he had a friend in common with Keisha and she made the introductions."

There are fewer houses in this new area that we're walking on. Nature seems to have taken over as we walk past fields of bamboo. There are also pine trees shooting high up in the air that cast a shadow on us. The melody of birds chirping all around us is something I haven't realized I'd crave to hear up until now.

"Let me guess," Ethan says. "You guys instantly clicked and it was love at first sight?"

I recognize his teasing tone but I don't take offense because I can tell that he's not trying to mock me.

"We did instantly click but we spent a lot of time trying to deny our mutual attraction even if his friends and Keisha on my side could see that there was something more than friendship between us. Eventually, we started dating, and well... As I've told you it was my first relationship, so I was floating around on a pink cloud living in unicorn land."

I'm aware of the bitterness in my voice, there's no way Ethan missed it.

"What happened?" he asks softly.

"One year later, during our junior year, he applied for an immigration program and it worked out for him. I remember spending a week with Keisha planning out different couple activities that Carl and I could do because I wanted him to fully enjoy himself before he left Haiti."

I pause as memories flood my mind. It hadn't been easy for me to come up with original ideas because we'd already done so many fun things in our relationship and I wanted to surpass all of those previous memories. Eventually, my stubbornness and Keisha's knowledge of the best places to hang out in the metropolitan area won out. I came up with a list packed with awesome date ideas.

"He didn't want to take part in those activities?" Ethan asks apprehension in his tone.

I shake my head.

"On the contrary, he was very enthusiastic about all of them. It took us twelve days to complete everything on my list. I knew I would cherish each of those twelve memories with all my heart when the long distance was hard to bear. On the last day of our activities, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me our relationship was over."

"He did what?"

Ethan looks so scandalized that I would laugh if it didn't sting whenever I think of that moment.

"Trust me I also had a hard time believing it. He didn't even wait for the date to come to an end. It's like he'd been dying to say it all along and couldn't wait to get it over with. He didn't stammer, nor did he look embarrassed or conflicted like I suppose people do when they break up. His face was perfectly composed as if he had time to think it over and make peace with the fact that I was no longer a part of his life. He threw it casually in my face and said "You're going to stay here anyways, so there's no point keeping this up when I'm in a different country." Then in the same breath, he asked me if I wanted to go back home now."

"Wow."

That was my exact reaction back then.

"I know right."

"That guy is an asshole."

The venom in Ethan's voice is so sharp that I can't help the smile stretching my lips. 

"I don't disagree."

"No seriously, he's a piece of shit."

"Well, too bad he didn't wear a sign with that label on when we first met."

There's a short silence before Ethan asks calmly, "I hope you're not blaming yourself for any of what happened?"

"Not anymore. But shortly after the breakup, I kept wondering if I was too naive for assuming that a guy would want to do a long-distance relationship after we dated for only one year. Maybe I had too many expectations especially since we've never..." My trails off and I shake out of my trance. "Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Hey," Ethan calls out softly.

When I look at him I see that he's stopped walking so I do the same. We're now facing each other.

When I spot the empathy in his eyes I almost expect Ethan to break out in a pep talk about how I'm better off without my ex but what comes out of his mouth next is nothing I could have imagined.

"Do you want a hug?"

I almost ask if I've heard him wrong but his genuine expression tells me that this is a serious proposition. I realize on the spot that during those past eight months, I haven't allowed myself to feel the need to be comforted. I endorsed this whole persona of trying to be "mature and move on". I refused to cry. I even put on an act with my best friend. I knew Keisha would have been there for me if I showed her that I was hurting but for some reason, I felt ashamed that I couldn't get over my first breakup. Now that months have passed I can see how absurd those reflections were.

Ethan is offering me the chance to be comforted even for a little while and even though it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to I don't want to reject his offer. When he opens his arms expectantly still waiting for my answer, I don't hesitate.

"I do need a hug," I say and cross the short distance between us.

Ethan holds me tightly against his chest. In an instant, I'm engulfed in warmth, understanding, and something else that I can't quite put a name on yet. It feels like a timid ray of sunshine peeking through dark grey clouds. The threat of a storm has now subsided leaving place to the hope of beautiful weather.

***Chapter End Notes***

"Don't think about him anymore. You're hurting yourself, please don't think about it. He defiled your soul but you put on a fight."*

Song: "N'y pense plus" by Tayc released in 2020.