The following chapter is based off of true events.

Ezra kicked his legs back and forth in anticipation. The noise and voices around the cafeteria had faded into a small buzz in his ears as he gazed, on the far off table, right next to the window.

"Ezra?"

Ezra laid his head on his hands, still looking across the cafeteria.

"Hmm? What?" The boy turned his attention back to Sabine. She was looking at him expectantly.

"Uhhhhhhh... It's your move" she said eyeing the chess set in front of her.

"Oh, right" he said moving his pawn a block. Then he resumed his gaze to the table next to the window. The boys that were there were getting up and leaving. The boy Ezra had been looking at from the moment he had set foot on the store was looking at his receipt.

Then he reached in his pocket and placed a few dollars on the table, obviously paying for his friends drinks as well. As he followed his friends outside he froze at the door, hand in handle. He suddenly looked over his shoulder and Ezra quickly adverted his eyes and glued them back in the chess set.

He heard the bell jingle as the door opened and closed.

"You okay?" Sabine asked eyeing him carefully.

"Yeah, I'm... it's fine. I'm fine. Did... umm...do you happen to know who was sitting on that table?"

"Ummmm...yeah. They are some kids from up town. They're going to the same school as us but their parents are paying. You know, the rich kids" Sabine said rolling her eyes.

Ezra looked back at the close door, they had left. There was no one outside other than people passing by.

"Does Kanan know?" Sabine asked moving one of her pawns.

Ezra frowned looking back at her. He moved his queen to the side. "Does Kanan know what?"

Sabine bit her lip as Ezra's move probably foiled her plans. "You know, that you like boys"

Ezra thought that he would die as soon as the words left Sabine's mouth. He froze and looked up at her, his face whitening and his breath caught on his throat.

"I-I...what...you..." He tried to speak but his eyes burned as tears started to form.

Sabine felt her blood ran cold with how upset Ezra was. She moved her chair next to him and patted him on the back.

"Hey, hey, it's okay... I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Please don't tell anyone" Ezra whispered as the first tears started to roll down his face.

"I won't...I won't" she said gripping his shoulder. "It's okay. I-I thought that... I'm sorry"

Ezra didn't answer. He raised his legs in his seat and hugged them tightly, wiping the tears on his knees. "I've never told anyone. I thought I never would. I'll understand if you don't want to be friends anymore but please don't tell-"

"Why wouldn't I want to be friends?"

"Because I'm...wrong" Ezra said confused, as if he was stating the obvious.

"What do you mean?" Sabine was now sitting straighter, trying to wrap her head around what Ezra was saying.

"I like boys" he said growing more confused as the conversation went on.

"So?"

"Well, I'm not supposed to"

"Why?"

"Be-Because boys are supposed to like girls" Ezra said surprised with Sabine's questions. Didn't she get it? Didn't she get how much of a freak he was.

"Says who?" She asked again. Ezra was dumfounded.

"Everyone" he hissed. "Like, my dad likes your mom who is a woman. And in the fairytales the man always falls in love with the girl and in the movies, and, well, the entire world"

"Ummm, no? What kind of movies do you even watch?"

"Some movies that Kanan has"

"And there were no gays in those movies? Don't you guys have Netflix?"

"What? No. You have to pay and we don't watch much TV anyways. What do you mean gays"

Sabine raised her hands to her mouth to silence a sudden laugh.

"Sa-Sabine?!"

She waved him off and reached gor her phone. "Come on, I'll show you"
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It was when the movie ended that Ezra realized how hard his was gripping his pawn.

Sabine smiled setting her phone at the table. "So...still think you're wrong?"

Ezra didn't answer right away. His eyes were fixated on the pawn in his palm. "I... I'm not...the only one?"

Sabine chuckled. "You really thought it was just you?"

"No one had ever... I've never-"

"Ezra! Start getting ready. We're leaving in ten!" Kanan said from behind the counter. It was Hera's time to close down shop today.

"Can we still keep this between us?" Ezra sked turning to Sabine. "I'm not ready for other people to know"

"Yeah. Don't worry. I wouldn't tell anyone anyway. It's your choice who to tell and when" she said and Ezra smiled.

He started putting the chess set back in his backpack.

"I'm sorry if I upset you before. I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine. At least I found out...that... I'm not alone. And it means a lot, it really does"

"What means a lot?"

Both Ezra and Sabine jumped as Kanan came up behind them.

"Eh...we..." Sabine struggled.

"She let me win so I wouldn't feel bad" Ezra said zipping his backpack, looking at Kanan dead serious and Sabine was impressed with his ability to lie that easily.

"I see" Kanan said smiling. "Well next time don't hold back Sabine. I'm sure Ezra will be fine" he said ruffling the boys hair and Ezra smiled. "Take your coat, let's go"

Ezra waved at Sabine and walked with Kanan, the weight of his arm soothed some of the tension off his shoulders.

"My lady" Kanan bowed as they passed through Hera "I hope I live to serve with you another day" he said smiling.

"Dear sir, I hope you manage to live in general" she said bowing too and winking at Ezra, who was trying hard to contain his laughter at his father's sad excuse of flirting.

Kanan realising that patted him on the head. "Brat" he said fondly and Ezra smiled.

Ezra thought back to the movie they saw with Sabine. The boy told his parents and they were actually okay with it. At that moment Ezra thought that maybe it would be okay with Kanan too. But now as he looked at him, tired, his hair falling on his shoulders after taking the hair tie off, smelling of chlorine and coffee and yet still smiling, still having an arm around Ezra's shoulders keeping him close he couldn't. He couldn't do it.

Ezra knew that Kanan had planned every part of Ezra's life in his mind. He had never said anything but Ezra knew that he certainly had dreamt of it. Ezra going to a good college, finding a good job, getting a house, building a family, marrying...a woman. That's what Kanan wanted from him. Not this...this mess.

And Ezra would do it. Even if it meant he could never be happy, he would. Because Kanan had given him so much. Now it was his time to give. And in order to do that he had to give up this part of himself. This little piece. He had to lock it away and never let anyone see.

"Something on your mind kid?" Kanan's voice interrupted his swirling thoughts. Ezra hadn't noticed but they were already close to home. He could lie, he could...but he didn't want to. He knew Kanan would be able to tell this time. It was too big to hide.

"Dad, you like Hera, right?"

Kanan blushed and chuckled. Ezra smiled. "You-you can say that, yeah"

"How do you know if you like someone?" Ezra was curious. Maybe he had gotten it all wrong. Maybe he hadn't really liked that boy. Maybe he was just...confused.

"It's-It's ummm hard to explain. You feel that anxiety, but...but good anxiety? It's complicated. It's like you have butterflies in you stomach. It's a tickling sensation and you want to go closer, want to talk to them. You want them to look at you...even if just for a second"

Ezra felt the bundle in his stomach tighten. That was...pretty much how he had felt. He had felt it again, many times over the past couple of years. So he really was...

"Why are you asking?" Kanan was smiling, eyeing at him with suspicion.

Ezra felt a sudden need. A need to tell him. A need to come clean and for once show his father who he really was. Tell him about the shoplifting, tell him about the times when he can't breathe and he feels like he's going to die...tell him about that boy. But he couldn't. He had promised a long time ago that he wouldn't be selfish. And that included protecting his dad of all the bad pieces of himself. All the pieces that could hurt him. Keeping the image of the perfect child intact.

"There was someone...at the cafeteria. I think- I think I liked them. I felt like you said"

Kanan gave a sharp laugh and cupped the back of Ezra's hair.

"Oh, your first crush. Never thought the day would come but...really glad it did. That's what you and Sabine were talking about right?"

Ezra opened his mouth to deny it but Kanan waved him off. "You know very well I can tell when you're lying. So, do I get to know who your crush is?"

Ezra turned red. Frick. Of course Kanan knew he was lying. He always knew. Ezra regretted starting this conversation. He should have shaken Kanan off. Should have told him he was just tired. But it was hard to lie to Kanan. Ezra didn't want to. But he felt like he had to. As if those lies were the only thing keeping them afloat on a stormy sea, threatening to drown them. Kanan ruffled his hair laughing. There was no going back. Maybe he couldn't lie about it, but he could still hide it.

"They...they...they will be at school with me. I don't really know them. I don't even know their name" Ezra said, struggling to find the words, praying Kanan wouldn't be able to tell that something is up.

Kanan just shook his head. "Ezra" he said tired out. "I'm really glad you like someone. You should talk to her at school. Ask her out for ice cream or something. I think it could be good for you" he said. "But nothing more than ice cream,ya hear. You're too young for anything else"

Ezra rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes. It would be shameful to go for burgers. And don't even get me started on pizza. Unholy"

"Extremely unholy" Kanan agreed suddenly serious. Before he smirked at Ezra who smiled back.

"Well, whoever she is, she's a lucky girl" Kanan said as they walked up at the buildings entrance. Ezra looked at him as he fought to find the right key. He felt extremely tired. He had told Kanan. Well, Kanan assumed he was talking about a girl but it didn't matter. That night Ezra's shoulders felt a little lighter.

So, I took inspiration by a conversation I actually had with a friend of mine. I knew he was gay but he had never told me and when I told him he should ask his crush out he was as surprised as terrified. I was surprised he hadn't told anyone yet. Anyways we were talking about it the other day and I thought it would make good content.

I want to say that if anything I've written offends anybody I am really sorry, I understand that some of the things that Ezra thinks about himself can be considered as homophobic. Those are definitely not things that I believe and I am a big supporter of the LGBTQ+ community. These thoughts are just part of Ezra's need to be perfect, fear of disappointing those around him and already existing self-loath and merely used for fictional reasons.

If you have any recommendations or complaints about my content or just want to say something about the story leave a comment or message me if you prefer a more private discussion.

If any of the themes this story or any other of my stories deal with are affecting you in any way please contact a crisis line or emergency line of your country.

May the force be with you! Love you all 💗😚💗😚💗😚💗😚