So many things happened this past days.

Almost everyday I have breakdowns. Some are obvious and some are hidden and I am regreting that what was 'hidden' was seen by my child.

Most of my breakdowns were I'm with my Child. I just remember once with my husband.

I do not like what is happening to me. And it is not intentional. I don't really meant and wanted it.

Every night before falling asleep, I am asking God to forgive me for letting my emotions controls me.

I admit being a bad mom at some time, but I know it is not always. I believe I've done good also as a mother to my child.

Some of the reasons why I am having breakdowns is stress. I always have two things in mind when I am doing something and I cannot focus to any of the two things. If I am focus to one, I neglect the other one.

I bring ly child at work because my work place is just a walking distance and in the same compound where I live. Actually our apartment/home is part of it. So it is safe and no worries if I am bringing with me my child everyday. Because we have pandemic, and I and my husband both our families is in far places, my family is in Abra, his family is in Antipolo so we don't have anyone with us to help looking or caring our baby. That's the reason I am bringing my Zechariah at work and he is now 18 months old.

He is an explorer, a super active young man, he holds everything around and he likes containers, stones, and like pressing buttons, or the keyboard. He likes climbing he is not suppose to be climbing and opening cabinets. I am happy and proud that he grew to be a different toddler, not how I used to be. I am a shy and quiet as a toddler and as I grew up.

Now, I have this issue too. I need to work . I am not complaining about having my child or having a job. That's why with all my best I try to do the same thing - a mother and a employee. But it is hard.

There are times my child is grumpy, or clingy. He wants mommy to cuddle him or play with him. And he wants to go outside and play. I pity him for not giving him my full attention. But I need to work and we need income to sustain our living. And my husband is also working.

( ops, this is again a unfinished page 😅)

What I remember when I was writing this is when Zechy had an accident. So much blood comes out from his forehead. When I saw what happened, I immediately grab him but as soon as I lift him up, he was crying and his face is full of blood. I was so terrified at that time, I got panic and my hands are cold and was shaking. Thankfully I have a neighbour who was like a second mom to my child, I asked her to help me. She grabbed zechy and did the first aid. At that moment, I couldn't hold bck my tears and I can't even stare at my child. I was stressed listening him cry. But I couldn't be a help to him. Unless I run away and let my husband and my neighbour do the treating for my child. Yep, it is just a minor accident.

I'm a first time mom, I don't know what to do. And at that moment my greatest fear is running to the hospital. My phobia of hospital has been greater ever since I gave birth to zechariah. I tried home remedies just to skip going to the hospitals. But when it comes to my child, I always do what I suppose to do, bringing him to the hospital when he needed to. I still trust hospital and doctors, I just don't like going there.

Thankfully my child is okay and I don't have to bring him to the hospital.

And then after what happened, when my child is peacefully sleeping. I sit and then flashbacks of what had happened was making me guilty. I know, we cannot control things in our life. There are things that is out of control. But still I felt guilty at that moment. I am again blaming my self for not being a good mom. I should have care more. I should think of that, that my child is still a child and there are still things he cannot do alone.

I cried a lot for what had happened. My husband is comforting but his way is different. That's why we end up fighting, because I don't want to talk anymore about what had happened. I just needed to cry, and I just want to bring out my emotions. While he want me to open up and tell him why I cried at that time.

I thought I cannot get over this. I felt unorganised.

Yep, had happened to me. And I don't want it to happen again.

It is just because of the grace of God that keep me moving forward 😇

This very moment, I'm at my good state of thinking. 😅