Paano ko ba maiintindihan ang sarili ko?

Gusto kong ma-gets kung saan ako nanggagaling, bakit may mga ganitong emotions ako. Minsan naiisip ko na makipag-usap sa psychologist to understand myself.

My inner child is so sad.
My inner child is hindi pinipili. Noong highschool ako may circle of friends ako, and everyone mayroong main bestfriend ako lang ang wala, kasi yung pinipili kong maging bestfriend may ibang mas close na friend. Ganoon din sa bestfriend ko noong elementary, friend lang ako kapag may kailangan. Sa lola at mga kamag-anak ko, kami ang nasa least sa family. Parang mainit ang dugo nila sa amin. Sa mga contest, I heard my teacher na instead ako, iba nalang ang icocontest kahit napanalunan ko pa ang elimination round. My parents choose to stop us from our schooling kasi wala ng pera, though I understand naman kasi matatanda na sila. Siguro hindi lang inner child ko maging sa present self ko. Sa work place ko, I'm aware of the unfairness of treatment, and I just accepted it and keep going on.

Sa part na tu, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit masyado akong masaya kapag pinapriority o pinipili.

My inner child is sad kasi no one believes on her. Yun na nga, gusto ko mag-aral but my parents choose to stop us kasi nga magagaya lang ako sa mga ate ko, mag-aasawa lang din. Sa contest sa school, sa dance troop na gusto ko sumali but no one believes that I can.

That's why wala akong confidence and I always thought na I cannot be good enough kasi mayroong mas magaling sa mga larangan na gusto. I cannot be the best. Kaya siguro, masaya ako kapag may nagcocompliments sa akin at naniniwala. Minsan din napepressure if may nagtitiwala sa akin kasi feeling ko Madi disappoint ko lang sila sa expectation nila that's why mas pinipili kong lumayo o maglagay ng boundaries.

My inner child is fearful because no one defended her. Naalala ko yung kuya ko noon nagpapatulong ako ng assignments, sabi niya palaasa ako sa kanila. Si ate ko din, tapos malaman laman ko tinulungan niya yung kaklase ko sa assignment niya. 5 years old and was bullied, lahat sila ng mga kaklase ko against sa akin even yung kababata ko di ko kakampi sa school pero friends kami kapag nasa bahay na namin. Even my advisor doon sa pinuntahan kong contest kahit alam niya kung sino ang salarin at nagnakaw ng crucifixion she still pointed the blame on me.

Kaya siguro I always felt helpless and alone. Kapag may nasasabi sa akin na negative I can't fight back dahil minsan nagrereflect ako baka nga mali ako or I acted that way. Or minsay I choose not to tell excuses kahit minsan tama ako because no one will believe.

I always felt the world is so cruel to me. Pero I need to think also that the world do not turn only for me.

And not because of what happened on the past hindi ako magiging ako ngayon.

Lahat nang mga bagay na ito ay dahil gusto ng Diyos na hubugin tayo into a person He wanted us to be. It is because of His grace na nakakaya natin lahat ng ito at nakakabangon at nakakapagpatuloy sa buhay.

Lately I can't stop thinking na "I hate my self" especially kapag may mga flashbacks ako, to the point na nasasabi ko na yung nasa utak ko ng di ko namamalayan.

Yep, if this mental health issue I am hardly fighting for it. I am hardly fighting for my peace of mind and sanity.

There are times talaga na I choose to be alone at not to be in the crowd or group of people. I stopped connection with people. Yung asawa ko nalang ang kakuwentuhan ko. I am protecting my family and my kids and myself in that way.

I hope someone with understanding could read this chapter and help me realize what I need to know in my life. Something different from what people will always say na Christian ka, you don't have to feel that way. Because I also knew I shouldn't. That's why I am trying so hard to understand 'me'.