Done so much overthinking after giving birth. I had already mentioned it here a couple of times and now they are so huge to handle, I'm afraid of going crazy because I cannot control it anymore.

So why not put it into words. Write it. Be realistic as I always be but maybe for this time it is more crazy and not much of value.

Before telling you all what I have in mind, just want you to clear out about the last page -yep it end up alright, it's just me again my thoughts or should I say my overthinking. That gloomy feelings I felt was just the result of that thing. You can tell me, it is no good and yep I agreed.

Did I told how many times I thought that I am not a good mom?

There was some time a couple of days ago when I hit my son a toy, well accidentally. I was supposed to get off his toy on the table and let him eat but  as I did that it hit my son's face. I immediately run to him ang hugged him and told him sorry I was. He might not understand well but I know what he feels. And I don't want him to feel that mommy will hurt him. I don't want that. I really felt sorry even now I am writing this. You know what, when I'm trying to calm him down, he saw oir neighbour which I told you before like his second mom. He called her 'mama', so he went to her and they played. When it's time for me to get him he doesn't want me anymore, and it's hurt. Yeah, it is.

But although how many times he hesitate to come to me, I mange to get him. Then he went back to his sad mode. He was so quiet that again made me felt guilty.

Then there this one morning, my husband is already woken up and even my son and I was still in the bed, sleeping hard. I woke up with my son brushing my head like what I do to him always. It is so sweet of him, my heart really melt at that moment.

I confess that I do sometimes hurt my son, not as hard/bad as you think, I never get to that point and I won't. Those are always put of frustration, my stress are triggered with those uncontrolled tantrums. And my emotion just wanted to burst out like I cannot control it anymore. I used to be quiet and alone when I reach that point. I need to put myself pieces to pieces again. To think straight.

If this is post-partum, I don't know anymore.

I just want to love myself, give my best to him. I hope I can make him feel my love and how much I care for him.

But I do feel to be a failure of showing it. I cannot dictate my action so well, get unorganised with my plan and schedules. I have many ideas in my mind but some are done but many remain only as ideas.

One factor is I used so much time on  social medias. because I need something to occupy my mind. I watch videos or just watch people's post. I am lacking time for my son or I felt I not giving enough yet.

Yep, this is super duper real.

Being a mother is a big responsibility and a big challenge to every lady who is blessed to have kids. Also as I mentioned 'blessed', being a mother also is really such a blessing that we cannot compare to anything else in the world too.

Having my son is such a great blessing to us. I thank God that He gave him to us. Now, I am praying to taking care well of this blessing. To loved him and to mold him into a person he was purposely plan by God to be.

And above all of that, I am praying also to win with all these thoughts that bothering me, making my self confidence low, dictating me things 'I can't', and making me do things that not how God molded me. I believe God is bigger than all these countless thoughts and I am asking Him to be in control of everything in my life especially my thoughts.

This is not how He plan my life. Jeremiah 29:11 it is. And also this is His plan for my child and for this family. And for everyone else.

Yea, I maybe said empty words to encourage everyone but not meant it. But I am encourage that I am saying all these things to you meaningfully. I mean it.

God has a greater picture of our future and who we become. And He said to us to be still and know that He is God. It means 'I got you, child. " we may not understand the process but if we keep our faith to Him and keep believing on His way, unshakeable I believe we will meet the victory, the answers of all our prayers that was already planned for us.

As I always leave you a short message: 'Jesus loves you.'

Ans that love is dependable.