f o r t y - f i v e

*

I wake up to warm sunlight pouring through the window, dappled light draped over my woozy body because we forgot to close the curtains last night. It meant the room was never really dark, glowing all night from the city's illuminations, but that wasn't high on my list of concerns when Arjun was keeping me busy.

Now I'm glad we forgot to draw the drapes because it's glorious to wake up like a sleepy cat on a summer's morning, stretched out in the warmth of the rays on my naked body. It's such a relief to be able to sleep naked at last, barely covered by the thin top sheet in the August city heat, with Arjun sprawled out next to me with the sheet across his lower back.

His back is to me with his arms around his pillow, the way we fell asleep last night after we switched roles and someone in the room next door banged on the wall.

He's out cold, still snuffling to himself when I touch the warm skin of his shoulder blade, when I roll closer and press my nose to his neck and drape my arm over him. I guess I really wore him out last night.

I could stay like this for a hell of a lot longer but when nature calls, I have to roll away and drag myself to the bathroom. It's not even nine yet, still relatively early on our last full day in the city: we only have one more night in San Francisco, and then it's time to fly home. That's all I can think about as I stand under the showerhead and let the water run down my back, washing last night off me with a pathetic sliver of hotel soap.

All good things come to an end. I'm well aware of that.

I wrap a towel around my waist and use a hand towel to dry my hair as I peer in a clear spot of the fogged-up mirror after brushing my teeth, teasing at the skin above my upper lip where I have a couple of pathetic hairs beginning to grow. I definitely don't take after my dad in that department: he has full stubble in the photos of him and me as a baby, when he was seventeen, and I can't even grow a patchy moustache.

Not that I want one. There's a cheap razor amongst the hotel toiletries and it takes all of a few seconds to get rid of my body's weak attempt at facial hair, and a few more to stop the bleeding where the crap blade nicked my skin.

When I return to the bedroom, Arjun's still fast asleep, but he's shifted onto his front and one arm is stretched across my empty side of the bed. The contrast of the stark sheets against his dark skin highlights his muscles, one knee pulled up to show off tight quads and toned calves.

I shed my towel and sit down on the edge of the bed as carefully as I can so as not to wake him, until I'm lying down again – until my phone chirps on the side table and I grab it before the sound of a text message can undo my caution.

I expect to see a text from my sister or one of my parents, but it's Lily's name on my screen, a Facebook message asking for my attention.

LILY GUPTA: advance warning: you may be in the doghouse when you get back. im having coffee with tala and flo, and we were talking about you & your trip & arjun, and it seems you updated your relationship status on FB before you told your little sister. she was v upset that i knew you guys are official before she did

I roll my eyes as I send a reply.

ME: please tell flo she's a drama queen, she already knows we're together. i called her 2 days ago!

LILY GUPTA: apparently she knew you were "a thing" but you never mentioned the boyfriend word. idk about you but im a bit scared of angry flo. more like jilted actually. your mum's trying to pacify her with hot chocolate

Lily's not wrong. An angry or affronted Flo can be a bit of a nightmare, though I've had nearly thirteen years to get used to the things that will trigger one of her moods, and I doubt this is a serious grump, because those can be difficult. When she's properly upset, she tends to shut down and close in on herself, and it can be hard to help someone who doesn't know how to vocalise their feelings.

The next message is a photo from Lily, and the knot of unease in my chest loosens when I can tell that Flo isn't actually mad. She's hunched over a mug of hot chocolate, clutched in both hands, putting an exaggerated frown, pushing out pouting lips. I recognise the décor behind her, all comfy armchairs and book-lined walls: they're in my favourite café, the only one we ever go to seeing as Mum's old neighbour owns it.

I have a sudden craving for their hot chocolate, one of many specialties – creamy but not too rich, topped with melting marshmallows beneath a layer of whipped cream – and a pang of homesickness hits hard. I've been away for nearly three weeks now, which is nearly three weeks longer than I've ever been away before, and all the new friends in the world can't make up for the fact that I miss my family.

I want to be there with them, to hug my little sister and wipe the frown off her face, to be a mile from home rather than six thousand. I want to go for a drink with my dad along the riverside; I want to wander around a bookstore with Mum to find my next listen. I even want to take my little brother swimming and go for walks with my dog.

I can't exactly reply to Lily with my own photo, because I'm currently naked in bed, and I doubt she needs a reminder of what that looks like, nor would Arjun appreciate it if I snapped a photo of him sleeping in the nude. So I send a photo from yesterday instead, one from the night bus tour with the city glittering behind us, and she immediately sends back heart eyes.

LILY GUPTA: so jealous. not that i don't love hanging out with my pseudo-family behind my father's back bc that's always a thrill, but i wanna be where you are.

ME: right back at you

LILY GUPTA: let's switch! you come hang out with your fam; i'll go on a roadtrip with your v cute boyfriend – & before you say anything, no i don't mind taking your sloppy seconds. happy to take him off your hands

I'm about to reply when Arjun moves, rolling onto his side and pushing himself up on one elbow, his cheek grazing my arm. His eyes are bleary as he squints at me, rubbing sleep out of the corners and stretching lazily before he drops back down, his cheek on my shoulder.

"Morning," he says through a yawn that takes control.

"Hey, there. How'd you sleep?"

"Incredibly."

"How're you feeling?"

He lets out a quiet, dirty laugh. "A bit sore."

"You'll get used to it," I say, and then I add, "if you want to, of course."

"Mmm." He puts his hand over my chest and rests his chin on top. "What're you up too?"

"I was just texting Lily."

He raises his eyebrows at me. "You're texting your ex while naked in bed with your boyfriend?"

"No! Oh my god, no, not like that, I wa-"

"Hey, hey, I was teasing," he says, cutting me off with a chuckle.

"It wasn't anything weird. She's with my mum and Flo."

"You don't need to explain yourself," he says, lifting himself up to kiss my jaw before he gets out of bed with a groan, the sheet dropping away to reveal him in all his glory. "I know you guys are still friends and I know it's a complicated situation. Text away, all you like." Then he nods at me, eyes dropping. "But save that for me."

A laugh bursts out of me and Arjun grins before he disappears into the bathroom, and only when he's gone can I tear my eyes from him and back to Lily's last text, to which I tap out a quick reply.

ME: no can do, the switch is off. you have fun at the coffee shop and im gonna have wild rampant sex with my very hot boyfriend

A full minute passes. Then her reply pops in.

LILY GUPTA: LMAOOOOOO OMFG I WAS SHOWING YOUR MUM THE PHOTO YOU SENT ME AHAHA you just told your mother that youre fucking your boyfriend jfc march i hope he's worth it

Holy fuck. Oh, god. Crawling under the covers will make no difference when a country and an ocean separates me from my mum right now, but I still feel the need to hide away from the influx of shame.

ME: fuck. im mortified omfg

LILY GUPTA: AHA MARCH IM SO DEAD SHE SAID "WELL AS LONG AS HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME" AHHHHH also don't forget safety first ayeeeee ok imma leave you and the BF to it. if you get too excited, just remember that your mother knows exactly what youre doing rn ;) ;)

What a mood killer.

Arjun pops his head around the bathroom door. "I heard a gasp. Everything ok?"

"I've made a right tit of myself."

"Please don't tell me you accidentally sent a dick pic to Lily."

"Worse."

His eyebrows jump. "Oh, no. What've you done?"

I pass him my phone, scrolled back to near the start of the conversation. At first, he looks a little confused, but I can tell when he reaches the message in question because bemusement turns to a sudden bark of a laugh, his eyes creased and his crooked teeth on show.

"Fucking hell, March."

"I thought I was texting Lily! It was a joke!" I cry out, clutching the sheet around me. "It's not like I wanted to inform my mother of the exact nature of our relationship."

He taps the last message from Lily. "Well, it seems like she's on board," he says. "And whether what you said is true or not has no bearing on them; the image is already in their heads."

"That's not a good point."

"No, but..." He throws my phone on the bed and opens the bathroom door a little wider. "I was about to hop in the shower. Want to join?"

I may have already showered this morning, but I'm no idiot. I know a good offer when I see one. When my sheet hits the floor, I shake off my humiliation and shut the bathroom door.

*

Our bus tour tickets are good for today too so we end up hopping on at the closest stop and riding it to the park, and after plenty of time on my back, my ankle's feeling a lot better today. We wander through the park at my pace and end up in the botanical gardens.

"How much was your ticket?" Arjun asks, frowning at his.

"Six dollars. Why?"

"Mine was nine." A moment passes. His frown melts and he snorts a laugh. "Oh my god. She charged you for a child's ticket."

"What? No! It says youth."

He taps my ticket. "It says age eleven to seventeen." He throws his arm around me and says, "Maybe she thought I was taking my little half-brother on a day out."

"Long way to come for a day out." I pout and tuck the ticket into my back pocket. "In all fairness, I'm nearly nineteen. Which means I'm only one year out of eligibility for the eleven to seventeen. It's not that bad. I definitely don't look eleven."

"You don't. If you did, this would not be a thing," he says, moving his hand between us. "Come on, baby-face. Time to smell the roses."

I have a soft spot for botanical gardens. Whenever we go somewhere new as a family, it's Mum's first port of call – well, after checking where the nearest book shop is – and although I hated it as a kid, I've come to appreciate the art of taking it easy and walking amongst the flowers. Plus, it makes for a whole bunch of photo opportunities that start off candid and end up satirical.

"Beautiful trout pout," Arjun says, his screen displaying a photo he snapped of me crouching in front of Waterfowl Pond, unaware of an egret giving me evils.

I mimic the look, pointedly pursing my lips and batting my eyelashes, and he catches me unaware with a kiss, his hand cupping my chin.

"Beautiful," he says.

We cross over Waterfowl Pond and pass through Australia and Gondwana Circle, clasped hands swinging until we end up in the moon viewing garden, where a quiet wooden platform juts into a pond surrounded by trees. I feel a million miles from the city, as though it's just Arjun and me. This is our world.

I lean against the fence and look down into the water at my murky, rippling reflection. Arjun stands next to me, his arms folded on the wooden slat, and there's a moment of intense peace where all I can hear is his breathing and mine; the birds in the trees and my steady pulse in my ears.

"Hey," he murmurs. I glance over. "What d'you reckon you'd be doing if we hadn't met? Did you have any plans for your time here?"

"Not really." The thought of being here alone is a queasy one. I may have just about managed Los Angeles on my own, venturing a little further from my Hollywood base each day, but for some reason I can't imagine navigating San Francisco solo. I've been spoilt over the past couple of weeks. "I wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge, and I wanted to check out Pier 39, and I wanted to see the wiggly road. And now I've done all of those things, in a much better way than trotting around the city alone."

"Even though you'd have been able to explore without a sprained ankle."

"Except," I say, pointing at him, "I'd have probably ended up in a worse position. Can you really see me having any success finding my way around, especially with all these hills?" I shake my head, envisioning the worst.

"Don't put yourself down. I bet you'd be just fine. You've made it nearly nineteen years." He bumps against me with a smile and holds my gaze.

Somehow, in one of the biggest cities in the busiest state, we're alone. Arjun moves closer so he's half behind me, his arm around me, and rests his chin on my shoulder. When he lets out a long sigh, it tickles my jaw and I feel his stubble against my neck. His thumb brushes my waist and when he hums, I feel the vibration of his chest against my back.

"You know something?"

"Mmm?" I turn my head ever so slightly, so I can just see him out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm not sure I've ever been so happy."

"Really?"

"Really. Yeah, I really mean it," he says. "I've honestly never felt so at peace in my entire life." He sucks in a deep breath and holds me closer as he lets it out. I twist in his grip and snake an arm around his back, pressing my nose into the warm nook of his neck. When I tip my head back, I close my eyes and lean into his kiss, my back pressed against the fence.

This thing better be strong. I don't want to fall into another lake, although at least if it happened again, it would be the result of a successful kiss rather than a catastrophic failure of a first attempt.

"I'm so glad I met you," Arjun says.

"I'm so glad I met you too."

"I was ridiculously nervous before the trek started. Before you turned up that first night, I thought I'd be paired up with Ade or Brannan – which would've been fine, of course, but they were both so silent. I didn't know what to say. And then Sam said we were waiting for one more guy called Marcello, and I was praying that you weren't going to be some middle-aged Italian who didn't speak any English."

"I guess don't really match my name."

"I'm very glad about that. I had a good feeling the moment you walked in," he says. "Even better when you opened your mouth. Even if it did take me a minute to figure out what you were saying."

"Hey." I push him. "Rude. My accent's not that strong. But also ... thank you. I don't know if you noticed my gaping, but I kind of couldn't keep my eyes off you from that first night."

He chuckles and nods. "I may have noticed. But it took me a while to convince myself that it meant what I wanted it to mean. And now here we are. I swear it's been more than two weeks. It feels like a lifetime cocooned inside a bigger reality."

"Isn't everything?" I offer. "I ... actually, no let's not get that deep. My head can't take it."

"We'll stay away from philosophy," he says, though considering he's about to start a degree in it, I don't know how long that will last. Maybe I can get deep if he wants to. But right now, I'd rather relish in whatever little lifetime this is while I'm wrapped up in it.

*

Somehow, at some point, the sun goes down. The light fades on our final full day of this trip and I realise that in less than twenty-four hours, I'll be sitting at the gate and Arjun will be sitting at a different gate, both of us heading in the same direction. We'll fly to London on separate planes and he'll head south, while I'll head north.

Which means that, at some point in the next twenty-four hours, we're going to have to say goodbye, and I don't have the faintest clue how to approach that conversation. Even if it's only goodbye for a week or two, however long it takes for us to come back together on the other side of the Atlantic ... it's still goodbye and I don't know when I'll see you again.

"You're looking very contemplative." Arjun's voice snaps me out of my thoughts as he steals a couple of my fries. We ended up grabbing a McDonald's in Fisherman's Wharf and taking it back to Aquatic Cove, where we're sitting cross-legged on the beach in the warm remains of the day.

"Just thinking about tomorrow. Heading home. Separately."

"Yeah." He sighs. "It sucks. But it's only for the flight." He nabs a couple more chips. "Then we'll both land in London, and maybe whoever gets there first has to wait. I mean, I know I'll be going to Brighton and you'll be going to Farnleigh, but I want to see you in England, even if it's only for a coffee in the airport." He brushes his hand over mine to reach for his Coke and he rests his elbows on his knees.

It's starting to get really dark, dusk deepening to night, but there are enough lights shining all around us that it's hard to believe the sky is black. Maybe just because I'm looking at Arjun and he seems to glow, a light behind his head giving him a halo and the lights in front reflecting off his lenses.

I hold out my little finger. "Promise?"

He loops his pinkie around mine. "I promise."

There's a lump in my throat. It doesn't belong there, it's not like this is really the end, but it feels like an end. It's so nearly the end of everything this has been, and I blink hard and fast with my tongue pressed to the roof of my mouth. It works to abate my swell of emotion.

But not for long. My phone chimes a second before Arjun's buzzes and we reach for them at the same time to see the same message.

We've both been added to a new Facebook group. Just us, and Young-mi. She's changed the group name to #marjungmi and added a photo of the three of us from the Colorado River, and sent one message.

YOUNG-MI PARK: i miss you both so very much. i hope you are having wonderful time in san Francisco. i wish i was with you still.

I'm feeling a little sensitive already so that has the lump roaring up in my throat again, and my eyes get wet. I squint and blink, but it doesn't stop a tear rolling down my cheek. Arjun gives me a soft look and pulls me against him, and he takes a photo to send to the group.

ARJUN SHARMA: we miss you too. america's not the same without you <3

She sends back a teary smile and she looks exactly how I feel right now. Arjun looks from me to the photo and back again.

"You two are a right pair," he says.

I hear the tight hitch in his voice. He feels it too. It's not sadness, per se, but some kind of nostalgic melancholy, an awareness that the past two weeks are irreplaceable, that they can never be replicated; no matter the stories or the photos, no-one who wasn't here will understand this feeling. 

*

it's friday, which means a new chapter! today i also finally managed to finalise my next big trip: five and a half weeks in america! not quite as exciting as the one march has just done as this one is solo (except for a week in LA with two friends i made through wattpad!) but i'm thrilled to be heading to NYC - Portland, ME - Boston - Philadelphia - D.C. - Chicago - Las Vegas - Austin - Albuquerque - L.A. - NYC, and also excited to finally be done with all the trip planning - i've spent over a week booking flights, trains and accommodation so it's a relief to be done! trip booking is one of the main factors towards late updates so hopefully i can be a bit more on time from now on, though i am also working on Where Crows Fly Back, my dark NA mystery/thriller/romance/suspense.

anyway, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!