Hongjoong's POV

The minute I woke up, memories of what happened yesterday resurfaced and I held back a groan. What I did was stupid, but I felt that I needed to do it. The thing that made it worse was the fact that the boys saw me in that state. I don't want them thinking any less of me, but I can't change the fact that I got drunk and they saw me. They'll probably think I'm incompetent, and shouldn't be in charge of the Sector anymore. I can't blame them though, I did do a stupid thing. My thoughts were cut off as I felt something move against my side and my eyes snapped open. I glanced down to see that San was cuddled up tightly to my side, his arms around my chest and one of his legs thrown over my waist. I was looked around to see that we were in the loungeroom which confused me. Didn't they put me in bed after my little episode? Why wouldn't they do that? I glanced around and saw that all the boys were laying asleep, piled up on mattresses they must've dragged into the loungeroom. Not only was San tucked into my side, but Wooyoung was also cuddled up to my other side, his head resting on my chest and his hand holding San's. I shifted slightly, trying to move out of their holds without waking up, but that failed when San stirred and tightened his hold around me. He moved his head up and buried it into my neck, his breath hitting it softly. He doesn't know it's me. He wouldn't be so happy with cuddling me if he realised who he was cuddling. I desperately tried to hold back tears as I squirmed and tried to move without waking the two boys on me. I don't want to see their disappointed faces, I don't want them to tell me I'm pathetic. I'll just get up, pack a few things and ask Youngjay to give me a single room that I can stay in until they find a new place for me. I love them with all my heart, but I've shown them weakness, something that isn't fit for a leader. After a bit more of a struggle, I finally managed to slip myself out of Wooyoung and San's grasp without waking either of them. I went to the front of the room before pausing and turning to look at them, my boys.

They were all cuddled up on the floor of the loungeroom, sleeping soundly. How could they be sleeping so soundly? And when they were next to me? The tears slowly begun to fall down my face, and I covered my mouth with my hand to hold back sobs. I don't want to wake them up. They don't need to see me again. Everyone's just going to leave me anyway. Everyone I love get's hurt, so it's only right I leave now.

I wiped my eyes quickly and walked over to my room. I grabbed a backpack and hurriedly piled some clothes into it. I pulled my phone from my pocket and placed it down on the bedside table. Seonghwa can have it, he'll probably be the new leader. I went over to my bedside table and picked up the photo frame that I had there. It was a photo I had taken about a year ago, with all of the boys together and hugging. It doesn't have Yeosang, but it's a beautiful memory. I placed into my backpack and zipped it up. That's all I need now. I can go and leave the boys, let them live, like my parents couldn't.

"Hyung? What're you doing?" I froze at the gentle voice, the grip on my bag faltering as it slipped back to the bed. I spun around quickly to see Yeosang standing in the doorway, his hair tousled as he rubbed his eyes with his fists.

"Um, nothing. Go back to bed Sangie," I told him quickly. Yeosang won't understand as much as the other's. He's not in as much danger because even though I love him, he doesn't love me, I'm merely a friend of his.

"Why're you packing a bag? Are you going somewhere," he asked me.

"Just for a walk," I said quickly, reaching my hand back to grasp my bag.

"But why do you need a bag for that," he asked sleepily, walking closer. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I willed them back, blinking quickly so I wouldn't shed them.

"Just for some snacks and stuff," I lied. His eyebrows furrowed and he seemed to be pondering for a few seconds.

"Hyung, are you leaving," he asked quietly, lifting his head to look up at me with wide, innocent eyes.

"N-No," I said, but my voice broke. I tried to hold back the tears, but they began to fall. In an instant, Yeosang's arms were wrapped around me and I started to sob into his shoulder.

"Wh-Why're you leaving," he asked quickly.

"You won't u-understand Sangie," I said sadly.

"You're right, I don't. HYUNG. HYUNG. SANNIE, YOUNGIE. GUYS," he yelled out. Shit.

"Yeosang stop. Please, they're gonna hate me. Pl-."

"GUYS GET IN HERE," he yelled, ignoring my words. There were hurried footsteps and then the others were suddenly at the door, walking inside. Crap. I turned my head away, not wanting to see the anger and disgust on their faces. Yunho, if you're in my head then get out.

"What's going on," Seonghwa asked.

"He's leaving. I don't know why, but he mentioned something about you guys hating him," Yeosang said. I whimpered and shied away from them, going closer to Yeosang.

"Boys, why don't you go out and get some ice-cream," Seonghwa said quietly. No. No, no, no. I don't want it to be Seonghwa's disgusted face. I don't want him here. He's the person I'm the closest to in this world, that's left at least. If he's here and he talks to me, he's going to try convince me to stay. I can't risk that, I just can't. There was some shuffling, then the sound of the door closing. I whimpered and cuddled closer to Yeosang who tightened his arms around me.

"You can let him go now Yeosang," Seonghwa said. Yeosang hesitated, before his arms slowly left me. I clung desperately to him as he's my last line of defence before it's Seonghwa.

"Hongjoong, let him go," Seonghwa said sternly. I whimpered, but slowly retracted my arms, letting the younger go. I stepped to the side, looking down at the floor and rubbing my arm nervously.

"Yeosang, why don't you catch up with the other's," Seonghwa said.

"But why? I wanna help," Yeosang said.

"Because I don't want you here for what's going to happen alright. Things might get a bit messy and go flying," Seonghwa said. Part of me wants to convince myself that he means he'll be throwing things at me, but I know he means because of my telekinesis. When I get upset and overwhelmed, I lose control sometimes. I can't now though, because Seonghwa will be in the room and I don't want to hurt him. Not long after, the door opened and closed, meaning Yeosang left.

"You wanna talk? Yell? Or just go straight to flinging things around," Seonghwa asked me. I remained silent, looking down at the floor still.

"So, just ignoring me now huh," he said. I let out a breath and wiped my eyes before quickly turning around and walking over to my bag, avoiding looking at Seonghwa. I grabbed it and turned to the door, freezing when I saw Seonghwa standing there with his arms crossed.

"Please move Seonghwa-ssi," I said, averting my eyes slightly.

"I'm not letting you leave, not until you explain what's going on, you're thinking properly, and you've let out your emotions," he said.

"I need to go. Please mo-."

"Hongjoong I love you, with my whole heart. And it's because I love you that I'm not going to let you leave. You aren't thinking properly right now. You're scared and upset and you're going to regret leaving them once you calm down," he said. I mean, he's probably right. But it's the scared part that's making me go.

"Please don't do this Hongjoong. Just talk to me. Tell me what happened yesterday. Talk to me, yell at me, I don't care. Just let it out, please. For me Joong-ah, please," he pleaded, almost whispering at the end. I clenched my eyes closed, taking a deep breath to try and calm down a little bit.

"I need to go Seonghwa-ssi," I whispered, continuing to look away from him. This is for them, to keep them happy and safe.

"If you want to leave, you will have to go through me," he said. Why can't he just let me leave? Why does he have to make this so much more difficult. Why can't he just let me go. I clenched my fist closed angrily.

"Go ahead, get mad. That's ok," Seonghwa said. I finally lifted my head up, meeting his eyes to glare angrily.

"Everything in this room can be replaced Hongjoong-ah. I want you to get angry, let all of it out. Once you're done, you can cry and I will hold you. Then you can decide if you still want to leave," he said. I don't want to leave, I have to leave.

"Can you do that at least, please," he asked quietly. If that's the only way I can get him to move, then I'll do it. I huffed and walked backwards, sitting down on my bed and curling my knees to my chest. I lifted my hand and flicked it back, swinging the cupboard open. I then got a lock on Seonghwa and gently flung him into the cupboard and closed the door. It will stop him front accidentally getting hurt if I do end up losing control. Ok, now I just need to get angry. More like just let the anger out. I closed my eyes and lowered my head to rest on my knees.

I wonder how the other person is doing. The one who's car crashed into my parents. Are they dead? Are they hurt? Will they be going through what they've done to my parents. My parents didn't deserve this. Why is it that everyone I care up ends up leaving. My grandparents, my aunt, my cousin, my uncle, and now my parents. If I don't go, everyone is going to keep getting hurt. Sannie, Youngie, Jjong, Gigi, Yun, Yeosangie. And Hwa. They'll all get hurt. I thought once I moved here, perhaps everyone wouldn't keep on dying on me, but no one's safe. I can't do this anymore. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT ANYONE HURT!

There were suddenly many loud noises, bangs, crashes, shattering and I curled further in on myself. I covered my ears quickly to block out the crashing. After about 10 more seconds, things seemed to calm down a little bit. My breathing was heavy and I let out a breath, slowly lowering my hands from my ears. It was quiet once again and I finally opened my eyes and lifted my head up slowly. I sighed when I saw the destruction of my bedroom. The shelves were broken, all of the content thrown around the room, the tv was smashed by my window, and all the chairs were broken in pieces. I looked to the closet, my stomach dropping when I saw one of the shelves was broken in front of it, a piece stabbing through the door.

"HWA," I yelled, jumping up and quickly forcing the shelf away. I ripped open the door, dread in my stomach but found Seonghwa just sitting there calming.

"Hwa, oh thank god," I breathed out, dropping to my knees and hugging him tightly in relief. I can't lose him too, not Seonghwa.

"I'm ok Joong, you didn't hurt me. You put me here to protect me, I was always safe," he said gently, hugging me back.

"But you're not," I said shaking my head.

"Why aren't I," he asked quietly.

"Because everyone I love, always leaves," I said sadly.

"They always leave," I cried, tears beginning to fall down my face.

"I'm not going anywhere Hongjoong, I'm right here and so are the other's," he said. He grabbed my hips gently and pulled me up and into his lap. I know I shouldn't, but he's warm, he brings comfort and he's right here, so I curled up in his lap and hugged him tighter, crying into his shoulder.

"I won't leave you. The only way we'll be separated, is if you leave me," he whispered.

"I don't wanna," I said quietly.

"I know you don't Hongjoong, I know. So why are you? Why're you leaving me," he asked.

"M-My parents," I said sadly.

"You're leaving because of what happened to them," he asked me.

"Not just them. E-Everyone," I replied.

"They all get hurt, if I, if I love them," I told him.

"Honey, what happened to your parents wasn't your fault. You haven't lived with them for 7 years, you only see them once or twice a year. What happened was out of your control," he said, resting his hand on my neck and squeezing gently. I sniffled and leant back into the hand as he massaged my neck gently.

"Do you want to go to the funeral," he asked quietly.

"There's no point going. Everyone who will be there hates me anyway," I said, shaking my head.

"Sannie can take you if you want," he said gently.

"I don't want to," I said sadly.

"Ok," he whispered, leaning down to place a gentle kiss to my neck. I snuggled closer to him, moving my head to rest closer to his neck.

"Please don't leave us Hongjoong. The boys would be devastated," he said.

"No they won't. They'll be disgusted in me after last night," I said, shaking my head.

"You and I both know that's not true. The boys love you, and seeing you vulnerable for the first time will only make them more protective, not disgusted. You're telling yourself that to try and justify why you're running away, because if you don't then you'll feel like you're letting them down," he said. See, this is exactly why I didn't want to be left alone with him.

"I should leave now, before anyone else get's hurt," I said, moving to stand up. I couldn't though, as Seonghwa tightened his grip around me and held me closer.

"At least say goodbye to the boys if you want to go H-Hongjoong." I froze when I heard the crack in his voice and my head shot up, looking at Seonghwa quickly. My heart broke when I saw the tears trailing down his cheeks silently. I never liked seeing Seonghwa cry, especially when it's because of me. I quickly turned around in his lap so I was facing him and lifted my hands, brushing the tears away hurriedly, but other's continued to fall.

"No, Hwa, don't cry," I said with a sniffle, tears beginning to fall down my own face.

"You're telling me you're going to be leaving us, and you don't expect me to cry about it? Hongjoong you're the closest thing I have to a brother, to family. You've been with me for 7 years. 7 years I have loved you, 7 years you've been my closest confidant, someone I can always go to for comfort. You're leaving me and you don't expect me to be upset about it," he whispered. I choked back a sob and hugged him tightly, burying my head in his neck. His arms wrapped around my back tightly and I felt him crying into my shoulder.

We sat like that for a while, just hugging each other and crying. I don't know how long we were there for but after a while, there was a gentle knock on the bedroom door. The boys are back. Seonghwa let out a sigh and slowly moved his arms away from my body. I sniffled and wiped my eyes as he did the same, before we both stood up. My muscles were a little sore from sitting in the same position for a long period of time, but I just stretched a little bit. Seonghwa walked over to the corner of the room where my bag had been flung and grabbed it before walking back and holding it out for me. I grabbed it quickly and put one strap over my shoulder.

"At least say goodbye to them," he said quietly before he walked over to the door and opened it to show Yunho.

"I tried to keep them away longer, but they're scared and confused," he said quietly.

"It's ok," Seonghwa said. He glanced back at me before ushering Yunho out of the way and walking out of the room. I took a deep breath before following him out. We walked to the loungeroom where the other's were all sitting or standing.

"Hyungie." The minute San saw me, he jumped up and ran over to me, hugging me tightly.

"Hyungie don leave, please don leave. I d-don wan you to go Hyungie," he cried. Shit.

"How long ago," I questioned the other's quietly.

"The minute we left the room. He's terrified you're leaving us," Wooyoung said. His eyes were hard and jaw was set, meaning he wasn't happy.

"It's ok Sannie, everything's going to be ok," I said softly.

"I d-don want you to g-go, p-please don go," San sobbed, burying his face in my shoulder. I clenched my eyes closed for a second and took a deep breath before opening them again. I turned my head around to look at Seonghwa who was just watching us quietly.

"Hwa, please," I begged. He needs to grab San, or else he's going to keep crying and getting worked up. He's in a vulnerable state right now. Seonghwa didn't say anything, just looked down at the ground.

"Sannie, you need to let me go baby. Go give Youngie a hug," I said gently. He sobbed and shook his head, holding me tighter.

"Wooyoung," I said, glancing at the second youngest.

"No. You need to explain what's going on Hongjoong," Wooyoung said sternly.

"I don't need to explain anything. I'm just-."

"Leaving. You're just leaving," Jongho cut in.

"Why," Mingi asked.

"It's got nothing to do with you guys ok. It's just, something I need to do," I said.

"Bullshit. You're just running away because you were vulnerable and now you're embarrassed," Wooyoung said.

"Shut up Wooyoung." Everyone turned to Yeosang in surprise, not used him doing anything that may be seen as out of line. He walked over and gently grabbed San's arms, pulling him away from me. San whined and put up a slight fight before letting go and moving into Yeosang's arms.

"Yunho, can you please hold him for a bit," Yeosang asked. Yunho frowned slightly, but stepped forwards and pulled San up into his arms, letting the younger cling to him. Yeosang then turned to me and hugged me tightly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"Yeosang, what're you doing," Mingi asked, but Yeosang ignored him and stepped back to look at me.

"I know how you're feeling right now Hyung, you know I do," he whispered. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, not understanding what he's talking about.

"It's ok to be scared. To worry about other's getting hurt, but don't let that control you into leaving. What happened with your parents wasn't your fault, even if you may think it was, it was just an accident. You love these guys, and we all love you very much, don't leave in the fear of a what if," he said quietly. My mouth dropped open slightly and my heart quickened. How does he know that's what this is about? Seonghwa has always been the only one who can read me. And wait, what?

"You love me," I asked quietly. His eyes went wide, but he nodded quickly.

"Of course I love you Hyung. You're so nice and kind, and you're patient with me and respect my boundaries. You always come and give me a cuddle if I'm ever feeling down, and you give me advice when I need it. You, you're like a father figure to me in a way. More so than my father ever was, I look up to you. You helped show me what it's like to be cared for, to have people who will accept your faults, and help you when you need it, not shun you out. I've wanted to tell you I love you for a while, but I was too shy," he said quietly, his cheeks turning slightly pink. I hate him so much right now, because I love him and I don't want to put him through losing one of the few people who have showed they care about him. How would me leaving make him feel? How would that make him feel cared for?

"I love you too baby," I said with a sigh, pulling him into my arms. I hugged him tightly, squeezing his waist as tears started to fall down my face.

"I want you to know that alright. I really do love you, none of this has anything to do with you. I just don't want any of-."

"Any of us hurt, I know. That's why I don't touch anyone without my gloves, even when you say it's ok. You just have to learn to live with that fear, and think about what matters more," Yeosang said gently.

"Everyone I love, leaves me or dies," I whispered.

"Not us, we won't leave you," he said.

"You can't promise that," I said, shaking my head slightly.

"But if you go, we're basically leaving anyway," he said. Oh. I guess that's true. But at least they're safe.

"I can live with that, as long as you're safe," I said sadly.

"But we can't Hyung. You're our Hyung, our leader, you need to be here to protect us," he said.

"Think of it this way Hyung," he said as he pulled back to look at me again. I sniffled and nodded.

"If you go, does that mean you'll stop loving us," he asked me. Stop loving them?

"No, of course not. You guys are like family to me," I said immediately.

"Likewise, I'd say for everyone. Which means if you leave us now, it won't make a difference. We'll still love you, and you'll still love us. That means we'll still be in just as much danger of being hurt than we are now. What's the point of leaving? You being here is technically giving us more protection. You don't need to leave Hyung, nobody wants that," he said, cupping my cheek softly. Wait. If I leave, everything is the same. Nothing changes, except I won't be here to protect them. Just like with my parents, I won't be there to help. The realisation came crashing down on me and my legs gave out. Yeosang's arms instantly tightened around me to stop me from falling and he lowered me to the ground. I was about to leave. To leave them alone, when they may already have a death sentence on them. I was going to abandon them. How could I be so stupid? How could I think that was actually an option? It was the last straw for me, and I began to sob once again. There was some noise and then I was suddenly being embraced from either every direction, getting cocooned into a giant hug.

"It's ok Hyung, but please don't go," Wooyoung whispered to my right. I turned from Yeosang's embraced and hugged Wooyoung tightly, sobbing into his shirt.

"Please don't go," he pleaded. I shook my head quickly, trying to convey what I was having trouble saying.

"I w-won't. P-pro-promise," I said. There was suddenly another sob, and it wasn't mine. I realised a few seconds later that Wooyoung had started crying as well.

"You scared me Hyung. Don't do that again. Don't say you're going to leave. Don't try to leave us," he cried. I whimpered and pulled him closer to me. He shouldn't be crying, I didn't mean to make him cry.

"I'm sorry," I said with a sniffle.

"Hongjoong." I turned my head and looked over at Mingi who was sitting to my left.

"We don't want you to go, you mean too much to us," he said gently. I held my hand out desperately to him and he grabbed it instantly, linking our fingers together.

"We don't care how much danger you think we're in loving you, we're not going to stop and we're not going to let you go," Yunho said. I looked over at him, seeing Sannie perched in his lap, still sniffling slightly.

"Sannie. Come here darling," I said quietly, moving away slightly from Wooyoung. San quickly crawled from Yunho's lap and over into mine. I hugged him tightly.

"Hyungie no go," he asked, looking up at me with wide and innocent eyes.

"Hyung no go," I replied with a nod. His eyes lit up instantly and he hugged me tightly.

"Hyungie stay," he said happily. Tears continued to fall down my face as I held the younger boy tightly.

"I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in my entire life," I said, making the other's chuckle slightly.

"And you call me a cry baby Hyung," Wooyoung said with a sniffle.

"My cry baby," I whispered. His eyes went wide, then his face scrunched up and he instantly burst into more tears. See, cry baby.

"Aish, c'mere baby," I said, holding out my arm. He quickly crawled over and ducked under my arm, curling up into my side. He paused before grabbing the strap of my bag and whining as he tried to tug it off. I quickly helped him remove it and watched as he threw it to the side with an angry (cute) glare. I tugged him closer and littered his face with little kisses, making him giggle happily. I can't believe I was actually going to leave that. I was going to go, and never hear that again.

"I love you baby," I whispered. He smiled softly and nodded, nuzzling his head into my shoulder like a cat.

"Can we all get some Hyung love? Or is Wooyoung just going to hog it," Jongho asked.

"Hey, what about Sannie," Wooyoung asked with a pout.

"Sannie is a baby, it doesn't count," Mingi said. Wooyoung huffed, but moved away, allowing Mingi and Jongho to come closer. Mingi hugged me instantly and Jongho just placed his hand on my ankle, giving it a gentle squeeze. That was more than enough for me to know that he cares and doesn't want me gone.

"I love you Hyung, so much," Mingi whispered.

"I know," I replied, hugging him tightly.

"All love Hyung," San said with a giggle. I smiled softly and ruffled his hair, squeezing his cheeks gently. He giggled again and nuzzled into my hand. I squeezed his cheeks one last time before turning back to the other's.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking properly," I said quietly.

"It's ok. We're not going to fault you for being scared," Jongho said gently. I was relieved that they weren't angry with my stupidity. They're not like that though, I know they aren't like that. Now that I was no longer crying and I knew everything was going to be ok, my breakdown seemed to have taken a toll on me and I began to feel exhausted.

"Thank you for not letting me go," I said quietly, beginning to have trouble keeping my eyes open.

"Wooyoung-ah, Yunho-ya, Sang-ah, go take Sannie and play some video games. Jongho, Mingi, go out to the shops and get the groceries on the shopping list," Seonghwa said. My head snapped over to him, having forgotten about him slightly. Yunho quickly stood up and pulled San from my lap, into his arms. The younger wrapped his arms and legs around him, clinging tightly. The other's all stood up as well, saying goodbye and leaving Seonghwa and I alone in the room.

I looked down in shame, not wanting to look him in the eye after being so insistent on leaving him after everything.

"I'm not mad Hongjoong," he said quietly.

"Why not. I would be mad at myself," I said quietly.

"But would you be mad at me if the roles were reversed," he asked. No. I wouldn't. He's got me there. I sighed and lifted up my head, looking over at him. He gave me a small smile and opened up his arms out to me. I quickly crawled over and fell into his embrace. We hugged softly, a lot more gentle than earlier, as it was no longer desperate.

"You know I can't live without you right. I've had you right by my side for so long that I'm conditioned to living with you," he whispered.

"You'd live," I replied back quietly.

"I don't think I would. I need you more than you realise Kim Hongjoong," he said, grabbing my chin lightly and lifting it up so I was looking up at him.

"Some people might call you insane and crazy for saying that," I pointed out.

"I don't care," he replied softly. He leaned down and placed a delicate kiss to my lips before embracing me again. I dropped my head down onto his shoulder, pushing my face into his neck.

"Come on, time for bed. You're tired and need more sleep," he said.

"Carry me," I whined. He scoffed but stood and pulled me up into his arms. I held to him tightly as he walked down to the halls.

"Your rooms a bit of a mess, so you can stay in mine until it's fixed up," he told me.

"Shouldn't be a problem," I replied, kissing his neck lightly. He chuckled and moved to the side so he could open his door before walking inside. He walked over to the bed and placed me down gently. The minute was seated on the bed, I yanked him on top of me quickly, rolling over so he was laying down on the bed and I was laying on top of him. He didn't protest, just hugged me tightly.

"I'm sorry for not listening Hwa. I don't want you to think t-."

"I don't. Trust me Joong, I don't. I'm not upset, I was just scared you were going to leave," he said quietly.

"I'm not, I won't. I wasn't thinking, my brain just went crazy," I replied.

"It's ok, it was bound to happen eventually. You've gone 7 years without a single incident," he replied.

"So when's yours coming," I asked.

"Mine happened 2 years ago. Remember when Wooyoung knocked a glass of milk of the table and I totally broke down and caused you guys to clean the whole house," he said. Ah, right. We call that the day that shall not be named.

"Who's due next," I asked, making him chuckle.

"Dunno, we can think about that later. For now, you need to rest and we can have a proper talk about everything once you wake up," he said.

"Ok," I said quietly, snuggling down in his arms.

"Get some sleep," he whispered, kissing the top of my head. I let my eyes slip closed and felt myself relax. A thought suddenly occurred to me just before I drifted off.

"Can I tell you a secret," I whispered.

"Always," he replied.

"I don't think I could live without you either."

A/N

Here is chapter 19, and it was definitely a bit of a whirlwind. I know Hongjoong's thoughts may have seemed all over the place, but that was kind of the point. Part of him knows the boys love him and wouldn't care about anything, but the other part is lying to himself to try and justify him leaving. 

Anyway I hope you still enjoyed it anyway, let me know what part you liked the most!