Valarie

Trapped in a corner,
unable to hear my voice.
Waiting in horror
as the darkness destroys.

Javier's words come crashing back in waves, and each wave drags me deeper into the darkness of grief. But it leaves me with a strange sense of serenity. It feels like the calm moment before someone does something stupid. She died exactly on the seventy-second hour of playing the game.

I feel better I don't have to go to school though. Apparently the missing-your-dead-best-friend is a perfect way to skip school but missing waffles isn't a good enough reason. I leave a sigh and turn away from the window, it’s probably a little after noon but I have neither appetite nor the mood to force myself to eat.

Mom and dad are worried more than usual, I wish I could pretend to be normal. But I guess being normal is more crazy than being sad right now. I notice my hand automatically scrolling to the gallery in my phone. I click on the screenshots folder instead of the photos. I can't relive all the happy memories with Aria, not when they are tainted with grief.

The warning from last night fills my screen again. Those words seemed to snap be back to reality. A girl I loved supposedly died from that and my brain tries to show me the same fate. But I have to wonder what my mistake was. Perhaps there was something in those flashing images?

A knock on my door makes me drop my phone so fast like I was committing a crime. It should not be embarrassing that I was looking at a screen shot from a game, but it leaves me flustered anyway.

“Javier is here to see you.” She notices that I’m still covered up in my favourite blanket while the fan spins on full speed, the usual on my bad days. I wonder if the guy supplying electricity would go crazy when he comes to know how I use it. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not really.” I mumble.

“Oh, Valarie,” she starts. I manage to throw the best smile I can muster, but I know she sees my sadness in it anyway. Either way, Aria is not a person I can talk about now. “Should I tell him to come back later?

“No, it’s alright. I’ll be down in a while.” The last thing Javi and I need is ghosting each other. Aria's ghost would kill us if we did that. I get into an old light blue hoodie and jeans, which is basically the extent of my fashion knowledge. I pull my hair back into a messy bun so I look more human than a cat with a bad hair day as I walk downstairs.

Javier looks much worse than I do. I know he cared about Aria, but I didn't know it was this serious. As far as I know, they never even went on a real date. I was always a thrid wheel on Aria's request.

The three of us were close as friends and there was the occasional flirting and teasing; but it was never real enough. As soon as he notices me, he gestures me to follow him and moves out without a word. I sprint behind him as I yell goodbye to my parents.

I notice my mom smiling from the corner of my eye, glad that I’m at least getting out of the house. Dad squeases my mom's hand, and tells her something I don't quite catch, but the show of affection somehow calms my nerves down too. Not everything is falling apart. It will be okay. Someday. Somehow. Someway.

Suddenly Javi turns back and looks at me with that crazy face he has whenever he realizes he did or said something stupid. “Right, I forgot to ask you. Are you free right now?”

My lips betray me as they pull into a smile. That was the first line Aria said to us. We were so young back then. Barely seven years old. Javi and I were fighting over something silly when Ari randomly comes over and drags us to the basketball court. A squirrel had settled on some older kids head and some students had started feeding it something. For some reason that made Ari giggle, and at some point all three of us were laughing and fighting about who would feed the squirrel first.

Javi smiles at me as if he knows exactly what I was thinking. “Now you are.” We both whisper together. Aria may be gone, but I know we will never really let her go. The memories may be tainted, but they were and always will be one of the most beautiful part of us.

We get in the car and for once I don't take the back seat. I wonder if I should use my new found freedom to play a song, but the need for answers feels more important.

Javi starts the car and gets it on the road before we change our mind about not pretending to be hibernating chipmunks. “Where are we going?” I ask, unable to take the suspense anymore.

He shoots me a concerned look which screams ‘please don't jump out the car the moment I answer that’. I roll the window up, just in case I do get the urge to jump out.

“Let’s just say it is a surprise.” he replies with an unconvincing chuckle.

All the places we pass by are familiar. The coffee shop where I dared Ari to hand a measuring cup to the barista and asking him to fill it with sugar. When he was done, we dumped all of it into one cup of coffee and yelled “That’s how you get diabetes!” before we ran out.

We also pass by the bright pink and purple bakery where Javi and Aria tried to work at. They got fired the very next day but they never told me the reason. The only information I have is that we are banned for life from there.

Minute by minute, we pass by more and more memories. Each one seems to fill a hole in my heart. By the end I’m smiling. It feels like Aria is right here with us, annoying us with her ever changing taste in music and her endless supply of waffles. But when I look outside after the car stops, I realize Javi was right.

I do want to jump out out the window.

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