"Now don't lose your fight, kid,
It only takes a little push to pull on through"

I can't do this anymore.

I just can't.

Those are the same old words I keep thinking and saying to myself. My smile, it hides the hurt from within. My joviant personality, it shields the deep sadness I've been holding onto. My positivity, it protects the negative and dark thoughts growing inside my head.

And all of these is for the sake of my brothers, for the sake of Tok Aba, Mom, and Dad . . . and everyone I know.

I want them not to feel sad over certain things happening and happened to them. I want them to know those mistakes they've done are just creating little errors to show that we can better and learn our lesson, hopefully not to repeat it again and again in the future.

But guess that my mistake is to never tell my family my real problem. It's getting too bad and I feel rather sick in the head and chest for keeping it too long.

Sooner or later, I need to let it all out. But I just can't seem to be able to do it.

But at least, my brothers let their feelings out, spilling the beans about their problems to one another. Even Tok Aba tells us his issues as well, especially maintaining the customers' satisfaction for the best drinks and meals he has to offer to them. He even mentioned to Ice once in his first tier form, that peace isn't always in the surroundings but from the inside---whatever that means.

Right now, we're on a camping trip, and of course, Tok Aba and Ochobot come along to escape the reality for once in a life. And boy, our grandad really misses the outdoor world, and he can't stop telling stories of his younger days when he was part of the Boy Scouts, with all the lessons of knotting, bearing, setting up tents and survival fire, and his group of friends nearly being attacked by a wild black panther, he is surely excited to show us what he remembers from those old days.

"Hey, Gempa! Are there yet?" I hear Blaze asking our eldest brother, and I can see on the look of Ice's face turning red and panting very hard. He isn't the sport type, but for a family getaway, he's always on.

"Almost! Five minutes 'till we reach pur goal!" The earth elemental responds, and I know too well what that means---especially when you have experiences hiking with a professional guide, and our professional guide at the moment is Gempa himself.

"You said that for like a hundreth time, Gempa! Are you sure where we're nearly there?" Solar complains in irritation from behind, only to get a smack on the back of his head by Halilintar, who is at the furthest back of the line since he'll be our sweeper-in-charge for this trip.

"Yes, yes. Just don't complain too much, the jungle belongs to the 'others', and we're passing through their home," explains Gempa, "and the more you make noises, the more they get mad at you."

And so, we keep quiet, with Tok Aba only giving a short chuckle and patting our youngest brother's shoulder. I must admit, for an elderly man, in his 60s, he sure as heck can go up for a hike. And the trail for Mount Stong is quite a challenge.

And yes, the evil leeches are a must to stick around your legs, sucking down your blood until they grow fat and full and un-stick themselves from your skin.

Just wish my deep sadness could un-stick off of me with ease like those leeches. And the negative thoughts too . . . And the urge to feel like jumping off a cliff for no reason.

The feeling like you're dying inside is haunting me right now, and I am hearing things that I shouldn't. I need to focus, not thinking too much of what I'm feeling at this very moment. I really need to let this out when we finally set up with everything.

The main attraction of this Gunung Stong State Park is the Jelawang Waterfall, another objective to reach for our special family bond hiking trip. And speaking of waterfall, I can hear the sounds of water splashing from up ahead, and see the most magnificent waterfalls I have ever seen.

Blaze and Thorn are so excited, they just put down their bags and stuff and change their clothes, jumping into the waters without any hesitation. And poor Icy being dragged by his brothers to join in the fun. But at least he's enjoying the moment.

Tok Aba needs to have his rest first, and then he can continue joining in the fun. Solar can't stop taking pics, probably going to upload them on his IG stories or posts once the internet line is clear. Gempa keeps a close eye on the two, and Hali is with the three splashing waters at their faces.

And me? I just sit on a rock. I'm not feeling like I wanna jump into the waters, but I will anytime soon. I'm still thinking of my decision to let this absurd feeling of dying out.

It's six in the evening now, and we're heading to Baha Camp to spend the night there. Upon arriving the campsite, we set up our fly sheets, having one for the kitchen team and another for our sleeping ground. Solar, Ochobot, and me to be in charge with cooking the meals, and the others get ready for dinner.

With a little help from Blaze, as you know him having pyrokinetic abilities, sets up the fire of our campfire, and all nine of us gather around the warmth of the flames and begin telling stories and random incidents that have happened to them. At the same time, I've finally made my decision: it is time.

As it's my turn now, everyone keep staring at me, maybe waiting to hear my jokes or funny stories I always come up with. But my smile changes into a frown, and now I got them all worried about my sudden change of mood.

"Everyone, I need to tell you something. And it's not that typical 'I-like-someone'-story, but it's just me . . . not feeling myself . . . " I let myself be brave. "For the past few months, I have been hiding my true feelings inside, and my head has gotten messier as the day passed by".

"Taufan . . . " Ice puts his ice-like hand on my shoulder.

"I haven't been feeling well ever since people made fun of me for being weak---no, the weakest elemental among you guys. And Tok Aba, you saw what those kids did to me, I couldn't even fight back," I continue.

"Yes, Taufan. I remember it very much. Those were some nasty kids of the neighbourhood who are way worse than Blaze's terrible pranks and humor," Tok Aba says, shaking his head at the thought of it. The others can only look at me with pitiful eyes.

"Ever since that day happened, I keep thinking to myself: What is my real purpose anyways? If I can't even defeat the bad guys with just a little gust of wind, how am I gonna help protecting all of you?" I feel my eyes getting warm and teary. "I question this a lot, and the nightmares are getting worse and real. I don't think I can help anyone only because I'm a weakest weakling there is to date."

"What are you trying to say, Upan?" Thorn asks, his voice is rather shaky.

"I---I---" I pause and take a huge breath. "I have been suicidal ever since those kids calling me names. They threw a lot of stuff at me, and calling me a 'loser' and 'weak baby', and many more. I tried so many ways to end myself but I kept thinking about everyone will be so upset seeing me gone for good. And surely everyone I love will miss me dearly".

"Taufan, you may be called the weakest among our brothers, but you are by far the strongest and bravest to tell us this," Gempa scoots over to me and gives a bear-hug. "You're not weak, you're special. And I'm happy that you're finally opening up yourself."

"Yeah, because so far, you're the only one who seems to tell things out of topic whenever this sort of moment happens," Solar adds in. "It's too obvious to the point that we knew something's awfully wrong with you."

"And glad that Tok Aba had told us about the bullying, so I scared the kids away and told them not to hurt my brother again," Hali mentions, being proud of himself of his deed. "Everyone has insecurities, Taufan. You have it, I have it, we have it---even those kids too."

"Really?" I say in disbelief.

"We all are struggling with something deep down. But we choose not to show it," Ochobot continues. "In the end, it's how we control it, and not letting it overpowers us---like what you've been dealing this whole time."

"I---I guess so . . . Maybe I should've told it when it happened, but I was scared I might be pushing too much on all of you," I sniff, wiping the salty tears running down my cheeks.

"Hey, at least you let it out. There are some of mine's that I've never spilled it because I'm scared of what our family thinks of me too," interrupts Blaze, hugging me as well.

"Thinking of dying is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone close to us or any person out there. I even nearly fainted after throwing up a lot of food I just ate after accidentally thinking of those same kids calling me 'fatty'," Ice finally speaks up, and I never knew he actually feels that way.

"I actually hurt myself a lot---I'd been bitten by a cobra once, but my so-called 'friends' laughed at the sight of me panicking about death---I got scars and bruises around my hands 'cause I can't let my anger out in a proper way---I thought I was the only one who gets called 'weak'---I question my obsession for experiments everyday! And it's gotten worse somehow . . . "

Guess everyone will have that feeling of their souls 'dying' deep inside . . . And never give up yourself because there's so much to do in this world, and hey, there will be people missing you. So, please, stay strong and hang in there.

× × × × × × × ×

Gunung/Mount Stong and Baha Camp are real places, if you guys wanna know.

And talking about hiking, I really miss the outdoor world, somehow...

And hey, another 'emo me' time.