Ship: Gerard/Patrick
Words: 924

I broke down. Patrick is me. I just put my words through him. I don't care anymore. This helped. I'll probably add this to Girls/Girls/Boys 2

"You don't understand!" Patrick screamed from where he stood by the door, "You don't fucking understand what it's like to be called by a name you just want to forget about every single day! You don't understand what it's like to try to avoid yourself in the mirror because you're so disgusted with how you look and you would give anything just to have the fucking genitals you want! You don't fucking understand what it's like to hate yourself and to look in the mirror and to hate what you see! You don't understand anything!"

He shoved Gerard back against the door, tears streaming down his feminine face and he was in so much pain and agony and self-loathing that it made Gerard's heart begin to break inside his fragile, glass chest.

"You don't fucking understand what it's like to see everyone else so fucking happy with how they look! So self confident and you don't understand what it's like to want to die! To be so fucking ashamed of who you are! Of how you look! Do you know how much it fucking hurts? No! You don't understand! You don't understand shit!"

It was all the red haired boy could do to just take a deep breath and whisper in the pained boy's ear three soft, delicate words that the world could have taken from them if it just so chose.

"Help me understand."

Patrick only gripped Gerard's wrist harder before he pulled him away from the door and lead him up the stairs to his bathroom where he slammed the door shut once the both of them were in and the light was on.

"Help you fucking understand." Patrick mumbled as he threw off his shirt, revealing his binder.

"This is disgusting because it's a reminder of what I really am under all these fucking clothes." He said, then threw off the binder, leaving his breasts exposed for Gerard to see, "Both of these are also disgusting because it's my skin and it's something I'll never be able to just get rid of like my hair or my clothing style. It fucking defines me."

He unbuckles his belt and throws it to the counter, "This is also disgusting because it's just trying to cover up what I really am. A monster. A freak..."

"Patrick, you're not a freak–" Gerard started but Patrick immediately blew up all over again.

"Not a freak, not a freak. Not a freak! NOT A FREAK! You think you can just say that and expect me to believe you? No! That's not how the fucking world works, Gerard! The world turns its fucking back on you when you most need support! The world fucks with you until you don't know who you really are! You think you can just say something and expect me to go, 'oh wow, he must be right. I'm really not a freak.' No! If I did or believed what everyone said, I would have died forever ago! The world doesn't just work like that! Quit it!"

Gerard squeezed the knob as Patrick yanked off his pants and yanked open his bathroom drawer, immediately grabbing a razor blade.

Gerard didn't stop him.

"These are disgusting." Patrick said as he positioned the blade at his hips and cut them with a quick slide.

It hurt Gerard but he tried not to let it get to him.

"These are disgusting,"

Another slice along the scars on his thighs.

"These, too."

One across his wrist to add to his other collection.

"This is disgusting, too." He says as he throws down the razor and grabs a pair of scissors, pulling up his hair and with one quick cut, a whole chunk is gone, falling to the floor with just enough length to style it if he so chose.

The hair keeps falling to the floor and Gerard can only watch with wide eyes as Patrick mutilates himself in self-hatred and a rage that doesn't seem to leave.

Once all his hair is shortened, he throws the scissors in the trash and with tears still running down his face, he collapses, screaming.

That scream sends chills up Gerard's bones, into his very soul because it's filled with so much agony, so much hate. So much confusion that it doesn't even seem human.

It's so depressing.

Gerard fell to his knees, pulling Patrick close and shushing him but as soon as he's stopped screaming, he pulls away from Gerard and points directly into his chest.

"This is your fault, too."

The red head didn't think he'd ever hear those words and they broke him far beyond repair.

"Why?"

Patrick only shook his head.

"You're so... perfect. You have the jawline. You have some facial hair. You look so... boyish and me? I'm just... girly... I'll always be girly. It hurts that I'll never look like you. It hurts that no matter how hard so try, I'll never look like you! I look at you sometimes and it's hard not to break down...

"It's hard because I'll never have what you do...

"I'll always be Patricia..."

But Gerard only pulled the confused boy closer until they were leaning against him the wall with Patrick in Gerard's arms, sobbing while Gerard just hushed him and rocked him.

And he thought he might understand.

Just a little.