"are you happy now? huh? DOES THIS MAKE YOU HAPPY?"

it was always supposed to be mikey who pete fell for in the beginning. he was a friend, a summer buddy. someone pete would fuck with, milk his cock dry for a few weeks and eventually it would lead into something bigger. maybe it wouldn't but it was always patrick who helped him along. told him to pursue his dreams. and it was always patrick who had his back when mikey was gone on tour the years after and he felt lonely to hell. it was always mikey who was first. always.

and when patrick and pete fucked one night in 2008, it was just because pete missed mikey. it was mikey's name he called when he came balls deep in patrick.

it was always for mikey.

but it was 2009, their folie tour, mikey working on his band's project in angeles while pete and patrick and joe and andy all tour together. when pete finally found himself. new york one night, orlando the next. dallas after that. it was the night in seattle when patrick and pete were together in the back of the bus, pete scribbling down notes for their next album when patrick parted his lips and said to pete.

"how are you feeling?"

pete, of course, being pete just scratched the surface, "fine. why?"

and patrick had replied, "i dunno, just curious about you and mikey. you haven't called him in a while." pete shrugs, trying to ignore that.

"i don't really feel like it."

"any reason why?" patrick always asked that when pete even mentioned something negative in his life. and pete would always reply, "not really," but patrick always knew there was something because pete isn't the type of person to be bothered by nothing so patrick, of course, prods.

"you sure? you're always up to talking with mikey. you two are pretty much married." patrick replies.

"yeah, i'm sure. i'm fine." and patrick knows if pete doesn't answer with the second question this is going to be a guessing game and while patrick really isn't up to it tonight, he decides he can give enough effort to play along. something is bothering pete. patrick will always, always be there to figure out what it is.

"is mikey bothering you?"

"why do you care?"

"because i'm your friend. i want to see you happy. it makes me happy when you're happy, pete." patrick frowns, "seriously, what's wrong?"

pete sighs, rubs his eyes, and he runs his fingers through his hair and with one last breath he finally sighs, "it's... it's nothing."

"pete," patrick's eyebrows lower further, "pete, what's wrong."

his hand rests on pete's knee and immediately pete shoves it off with a sharp, "don't touch me."

patrick inhales, "pete, talk to me, man. what's wrong? did mikey do something? is it me?"

pete shoves down his notebook and finally looks patrick in the eye. this is the part where it clicks for pete that patrick won't give up and nothing will push him away and then pete sighs out and says in an exasperated voice, "everything is shit right now, patrick. i... i told mikey about what happened in columbus, on the infinity tour. because i thought... you know, i've been holding it in for so fucking long and it's something i think i've finally come to terms with–"

and that's when patrick's heart skips a beat. they haven't mentioned that night since that night. it's something they told each other they'd never talk about again. something they promised they wouldn't discuss again and patrick swallows and decides to just listen because it's something that he doesn't want to discuss, even if pete needed it. it something even he hasn't completely come up from.

"so i told him and i told him about how i thought about him and he said that he was happy i told him except that after that he just said that it was kinda shitty it took so long, and then he said that it's just not going to work out apparently because he doesn't really believe that i was thinking of him because he thinks that maybe i like you more and i'm just repressing those emotions. and that hurts."

pete looks away to the window and sighs, shakily, "so he's moving out and i... we've been together for four fucking years, you know? so i don't know how he can just pretend like it was nothing when it meant so much to me."

"i'm sorry, pete, i didn't–"

but pete just shakes his head, "so i'm not fucking happy right now, because you want to know something?" he looks somewhat hysterical now and he inhales when he says this next part, tears prickling at his eyes, "it was always you who told me to pursue mikey, you know that? it was always you. never anyone else. why did you agree to that in the first place, patrick? why did you refer me off? you were always there from the beginning. you've always been my best friend and i wanna know why you agreed to fuck me when all you really wanted was me to be with mikey? i just. want to know because i don't know if maybe you have feelings for me that you don't wanna admit or maybe you just wanted a quick fuck or maybe you didn't even want it because i don't fucking know."

pete's crying now, tumbling down a hill and hitting every rock on the way down and that's when patrick finally searches pete's eyes and something in there clicks and he searches his own heart. he knows what he wants. he's always known it, but it isn't until he finally leans forward and captures pete's lips with his own when he realizes how much he really feels it.

pete holds it for a second, but he's the one to pull away, and that's when patrick's heart stops and he looks up into pete's eyes, deep beside his own. eyelashes kissing his eyebrow.

pete parts his lips and finally, after what feels like an eternity says to patrick, "is that all you wanted? just me?"

"i... i don't know."

patrick tries to capture another kiss but pete pulls away, "i wasted... away a four year relationship. because you kept pushing me away, patrick." he inhales, clenches his fist and patrick finally pulls away completely.

"you told me that mikey liked me and i liked mikey and i thought, why not? because it was a fling. that was it. but then it became something more. and you kept telling me it was fine. so of course i kept going because it was what you thought was best. so i did it. and you wanna know where it got me? here. pissed and depressed. you could have told me. you could have fucking told me and you didn't."

"i didn't think you had the same feeling so i pushed you away because if i didn't then i knew i would only try to pull you in, and i couldn't do that, pete. i couldn't do that to myself," patrick replies, trying hard to keep his heart of iron, but pete is melting right through it with his anger.

"i lied when i said i thought about mikey that time we fucked, you know that?" pete smiles, then laughs but it's empty and cold, "i called his name because that was what you wanted me to call. you know that? it was a show just to please you. so are you happy? huh? are you fucking happy?"

"pete, i..."

"fuck off, patrick," pete stands up from the bed, "i'm just gonna fucking sleep. fuck you, man, i'm fucking done,"

"pete please don't, i can explain."

pete gives patrick one last deadly look, "you already did. don't try to defend yourself when you already screwed yourself over this much."