Without You I'm Nobody Killing Time

Notes

- part 6 of 19 ( since Sounds Good Feels Good has 19 songs total )

- part 3, following Permanent Vacation and Vapor

- unedited bc I'm tired and it's 3am

Luke's point of view

I couldn't take this.

I needed Michael. I felt empty and I felt like nobody without him. I'm just... I'm plain. I'm boring. I'm not me when he's not here with me.

Maybe it was wrong of me to leave him all alone for a while, multiple times, but he just makes me feel so alive and so happy that it scares me sometimes and I need space.

I'm not used to these feelings. I didn't even know happiness existed until Michael sat me down, shared a cigarette with me, and asked me why I smoked. I didn't know what love was until I had him in bed with me while listening to Nickelback and eating pizza at four in the morning.

I didn't know what anything was until he came into my life. He brought color to my life and now... now it's all grey.

I slammed my half burned out cigarette on the concrete sidewalk and then stomped on it with my converse. I took a deep breath and then began to walk the direction I knew all to well.

On the way, I found a couple arguing. She was claiming he didn't spend enough time with her and he was claiming that he's too busy too. They seemed so angered and so upset, and then it all disappeared when she claimed they needed a break.

I slowed my pace down and it hurt my heart to see the man who was just yelling and just screaming at her, fall to his knees and beg for her to not do this. He was begging for her to not give up all they had, what little they had, and she shook her head.

"I can't do this anymore. You're... You're never there with me and I love you but... but I don't even know if you love me anymore." She told him and it was faded since I couldn't just stand and watch hearts break.

"I do love you! I love you so much! How could you question that? How? You know I love you." The man said and I hung my head low as I stopped, waiting for cars to pass.

My eyes blurred with tears and I wiped them away immediately. It was all too much. That conversation, that argument, it was all too much for me.

I looked up and immediately walked as the cars stopped. The cold, nearly midnight, air bit at my wet cheeks and exposed skin, but I didn't care. It made my face numb and my arms heavy and full of goosebumps, but I just kept my hands in my pockets as I walked.

I heard laughter come from a nearby couple. They sat on the steps to their house, cigarettes between their fingers and a bottle of what looked like vodka between them.

They gave each other promises waiting to be broken and sweet nothing's that the other needed. Or maybe they were heartfelt and maybe they meant it, but you'll never know.

"I promise. I promise that I'll never leave you. I love you babygirl." He said and you could hear her giggle.

"I love you too baby." She said, clearly believing him. Maybe she made a mistake by doing so, or maybe she didn't, who knows.

I sighed and pulled my beanie more on to my head. I dug my fingers into my pockets and looked at the apartment room I knew so well.

The lights were on and at the end of the balcony, you could see the cherry of a cigarette. I watched as the smoke evaporated into the air and I immediately made my way into the building.

I went to the elevator and pushed the button, my hand shaking because of how cold I was. I waited patiently beside an elderly couple, and it made my heart sink to my chest.

I wanted that.

I wanted to be eighty years old with the love of my life beside me. I wanted to have someone to call me when I can barely remember the present I got on my twelfth birthday. I wanted the happiness they had and I wanted the long lasting love.

The elevator dinged and I let them in first. "What floor son?" The woman asked and I shook my head.

"No, you first. I insist." I said and she nodded, smiling as she pressed the button of the floor Michael lived on.

We waited patiently and I nearly went crazy as I heard how sweet they were talking and saw how smiley they were. It made me feel like a douc.hebag for what I did to Michael.

And I was.

I stepped out after them and walked down the all too familiar corridor. I stood outside of his room and then knocked on his door, my heart beat heavy and my breath caught in my throat.

I started counting each second it took him to open the door. Each second was filled with nerves and slight anxiety.

At four, he was yelling that he was going to open the door.

At ten, there was running water and the sound of pots clinging.

At sixteen, I heard him swear and it made me chuckle slightly.

At twenty-two, the lock clicked.

At twenty-four, the door opened.

At twenty-five, my god, at twenty-five I was face to face with him, our noses nearly touching and the warmth of his room hitting my body. The smell of cigarettes and peppermint radiating off if him.

"Please." I breathed out, setting my hand against his door, preventing him from closing it. "Michael." I said and I could see his adam's apple bob.

"Leave. Please." He said and I shook my head, my vision going blurry a few seconds after I stopped. "Leave. Please." He repeated, a little more firm than before.

"Michael, hear me o-out." I stuttered and he blinked. He reached for my wrist to move it, and all I could feel was the beat difference in our bodies.

Or maybe it was just the feeling of finally seeing him after so long. Five months, two weeks, and four days to be precise.

"You're freezing." He said and I looked at him, his eyed wide and his bottom lip between his teeth. "I... come inside." He said and I stumbled in as he yanked me into his apartment. The door closed and he locked it before turning to me.

"I missed you-"

"Save it." He said and nodded. "Just... Just sit down. I'll make some coffee and bring you a sweater or something."

"St-"

"Right, straight black coffee." He said and nodded. "I know. Just sit here. I'll crank the heater up a bit." He told me and then left.

I wanted you to stay... I don't want to coffee.

I watched his retreating figure as a heavy feeling fell in my stomach. I didn't want to see him walk away, I couldn't bare it.

I stood up, my knees wobbling and my arms numb from the cold. I walked towards him and grabbed his hand, making him jump as I turned him around. "I thought I said stay there?" He asked, his voice shaky as he looked at me.

"Mikey," I whispered and touched his face, cupping his cheek in my freezing hand. "I-I missed you." I told him and he looked around.

"You're cold." He said and covered my hand with his own. "I'll let you borrow a sweater and some sweats and-and after you're coffee is done, we'll talk. Please. Just go wait." He told me and I nodded.

"Don't think I forgot, I know that's my shirt." I whispered, my hands falling down his shoulders and grabbing his biceps. My thumbs traced the white stars on the black sleeves of the baseball shirt and he blushed.

"Go get changed. Please." He said and grabbed my hands, backing me up slightly.

"Okay." I agreed and went to my room once he turned his back. I opened the door and walked in, his room neater than it was when I left.

Last time I was here, there were bottles and cans of alcohol everywhere. Now? There was barely anything on the floor, give or take a few items.

Last time I was here, he had empty boxes of cigarettes and my clothes all over. Now? You see a nice little set of weights and his box of cigarettes lying neatly by his bedside dresser.

I walked in slowly, guilt filling my veins because maybe.... maybe he got his life together.

As I opened the dresser underneath his television, I gulped back my old sense of confidence as my doubts clouded my mind.

Maybe he got his life on track. The house is nice, his clothes are clearly ironed and washed. He's gotten more muscle and looks healthy. He looks better than ever and maybe he doesn't need me to pull him down.

My fingers curled around the fabric of dark grey sweats and I picked them up, my eyes catching a tag that had yet to be ripped off.

These costed over thirty dollars. When we were together, we'd shop lift because we didn't have the money to buy them.

My heart ached as I set them back down, starring at them all. He's clearly got his life on track. He doesn't need me.

I closed the drawer carefully and stood up. Before I could turn around and leave, my eyes caught sight of an old black binder with a pokeball on it.

My fingers brushed over the ripping plastic covering and I grabbed it. I pulled it close, my heart beating rapidly in my chest as I flipped it open carefully.

A smile tugged on my lips as I looked at the first page, memories flooding my mind. My finger ran over the edge of the lamented page and I flipped it, eyeing the photos I had taken of Michael when he didn't know, when he was at his peak of perfection.

'I love your messy morning hair Mikey' Was written under a picture of him with his back to me as he drank coffee in his kitchen. Faded pink lines marked his back and I chuckled.

I turned the paged and looked at the other pictures I took of him when he wasn't looking. 'You're so beautiful when you're laughing baby' Was written under one where he was laughing at something on his laptop.

A drop of water fell on to the page right on the screen and I wiped it away with my thumb slowly.

The picture under it was when Michael was upset with me. He sat on the opposite side of the couch at my apartment with his headphones with in and his phone in his hands. His face was slightly red and his eyes were a bit glossy. The caption read 'I hate when you're mad at me, even though it fu.cking hot'.

"I remember that." Michael's voice rang out and his hand pointed at the picture. "You broke a string on my guitar, the A string." He said and I smiled smally.

"I'm sorry Mikey-Michael." I said and gulped as he carefully set the mug down. "I'm sorry for coming by. I just... I missed you but it seems your life is on track. You don't need me here." I said, my heart falling to the pits of he.ll as I said the words outloud.

"Yeah, I do." He said and smiled. "I have a nice paying job down at an office and I always have the money to pay rent. It's nearly perfect." He said and I nodded as I looked down.

"I-I see. I guess I'll just uh... I'll leave." I said and looked at him, his body blurry because of the tears pooling in my eyes. "I'm sorry." I said, my voice soft and shakey.

"Luke," he said and grabbed my wrist. "It's freezing outside and you don't even have a sweater. Please. Just sit down, drink your coffee, and stay here for the night." He told me and I shook my head.

"I can't Michael. I-I can't do that to you. I can't ruin your life again. I'm... I'm sorry. I can't stay, I'll f-fu.ck up, I know I will." I sajd and walked away from him, my hands immediately reaching up to wipe my tears away.

"Luke," Michael said but I didn't stop. I continued walking, my hands fumbling with the various locks on his door. "Luke stop." Michael said and I banged my fists on his door as I cried.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed, turning around and sliding down his door as I ran my hands through my hair. "I'm so sorry Michael." I said as I looked at him.

"I fu.cked up so badly." I cried, my shoulders shaking as I sobbed. "I-I was stupid. I was scared. I thought I could maybe-maybe see if you still love me but I'll just-I'll just fu.ck up again. I don't want to do that to you, n-not when you're life is perfect." I told him and he bent down.

He spread my bent knees apart and got between them. He set his hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look forward and at him. "I'm sorry." I said shakily.

"Shh." He told me and he wiped my eyes. "I never said it was perfect." He said softly and I looked at him as I sniffled. "I said nearly perfect." He told me and cupped my jaw.

"What-What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him and he chuckled.

"It means I'm missing you in my life." He said and kissed my forehead. "It'll be perfect once you're mine again." He told me and I buried my face into his neck.

"I missed you." I whispered to him as he rubbed my back. "I missed you so much Mikey, you have no idea how sorry I am."

"I forgive you." He told me, his hand running through my hair and his other rubbing my back. "I missed you too Luke, I've waited so long for you to walk through that door and come back. I thought you'd never do it." He said and I sniffled again.

"It's so sorry I didn't do it sooner. I thought you were over me." I told him and fisted his shirt in my hands. He kissed my jaw and I shuddered at the action, not used to the feeling because it's been five months without someone showing any sort of affection ot want towards me.

"Don't ever walk away from us again Luke, please. It hurts way too much. Even if I ask for it, I can't stand it. I need you." He whispered to me and I nodded.

He kissed up my jaw and I pulled away slightly. He pressed his lips against mine and I kisser him back. "I won't. Never again Mikey." I told him and he too my lip ring between his teeth.

I moaned breathily and he slid his hands up my shirt. His hands were hot against my freezing skin and goosebumps rose on my arms as the touch warmed up and made this tingly feeling erupt in my stomach.

I parted my lips and our tongues made contact, intertwining. The faded taste of peppermint and cigarettes lingered in his mouth and though the cigarette wasn't appealing, it was comforting. It was Michael and I loved it.

His fingers pinched and pulled on my nip.ples slightly and I let out a heavy breath against his lips. He ground his hips lightly against mine and I pulled away, letting my forehead rest on his shoulder as I gasped.

"I missed the way you felt Luke." He told me and I gulped. "The way you'd run your hands down my chest, feeling every curve and every dip. You're chest pressed against mine and hot breath against my neck." He whimpered, taking my hand after sliding his hands out from under my shirt and putting them under his own.

"Yeah?" I asked heavily, feeling myself harden as he spoke. "What else do you miss Mikey? Cause', I really missed the way you'd scratch at my back and mark me as yours." I told him and he tilted his head back as my fingers plays with his nip.ples.

"Missed-Missed when you're hand wrapped around my neck," he gasped, taking my free hand and wrapping it around his throat. "And when you'd kiss my jaw so lightly, whispering dirty words into my ear." He gulped and I pressed my lips against his jaw.

"Yeah? Did you miss when I'd spread your legs wide open so I could take you? Fu.ck you into next week?" I whispered and he rolled his neck to the side. "Did you miss the way I knew your body better than you did?"

"Yes." He said as he grinded harder against me, his arms wrapping around my neck. "Please Luke, can we take this to my room?" He asked and I nodded.

"You sure you want to Mikey?" I asked carefully and he hummed, rolling his hips against mine, making my jeans so much tighter than I liked.

"Yes. Luke, I want this, so badly. Please." He said and I pulled away. He looked me in the eye and nodded. "I want to be yours again." He told me and I gulped as I let go of him.

"I want to be yours again too Mikey." I said and kissed his lips quickly. I stood up and he did the same. "Let me carry you baby. You're not going to lift a finger." I said and he chuckled.

He wrapped his arms around my neck and I wrapped his legs around my waist. He kissed my jaw as I carried him, whispering about how much he needs me and he needs this to work out.

"I promise, I swear I'll be better to you." I said and laid him on the bed. I crawled on top of him and he pulled my shirt over my head, my silver necklace freezing against my warmed up skin.

"I promise I'll treat you the way you deserve." I said and gulped as he unbuckled my belt. I grabbed his wrists and looked at him. "Baby, just lay down and let me." I sakd and he nodded, not fighting it.

He laid down and I undid my own belt, throwing it on the floor. I slid my fingers under the waistband of his black joggers and then pulled them down his legs.

When they came off, I set them on the floor and slid my hands up his stomach, the shirt riding up. "I can't believe you still have that shirt Mikey." I said and he chuckled lightly.

"I wear it all the time when I'm at home." He said and I nodded, the sudden image of him wearing the baseball shirt as he touched himself.

A low groan escaped my lips and I looked at him. "You're killing me." I said and then took the shirt off of him, tossing it on the floor.

"Your jeans-"

"I was getting there." I said and he nodded. "First, I need to worship and think about how such a perfect boy like you, settled for a piece of cr.ap like me." I said and eyed Michael, setting my knees between his legs.

"You're not-oh," he gasped as I kissed his collarbones. I parted my lips and sucked lightly, humming as his hands ran through my messy blonde hair, tugging on it. "You're not cr.ap."

I stayed quiet, kissing down his chest, leaving hickies and lovebites along the way. I reached up and grabbed his hands, intertwining our fingers as our hands laid on his sheets.

I kissed along his hipbones, knowing he is, or used to be, super insecure because they weren't sticking out and because he had a little bit of fat around the area. "So beautiful baby." I said and he hummed.

He gasped as I took the waistband of his briefs between my teeth, pulling them down without my hands. I crossed my arms along his waist, our hands still laced together and keeping his hips still.

"Luke," Michael hummed as I let the soft fabric rest on his thighs. "Please." He said as I licked up the length of his semi hard co.ck.

I hummed as I swirled my tongue around the tip, savoring the small sounds that escaped his lips. "Please Luke, suck my co.ck, please."

"Yes baby, anything for you." I said and wrapped my lips around the tip, sucking on it lightly as I bobbed my head. I traced the tip of my to guess around the slit on the tip and he moaned quietly.

"More Luke, please." He begged and I slowed took more of him into my mouth. "Oh my god." He breathed out and I tightened my arms around his hips, keeping them pressed against his sheets.

I hummed and he panted lightly as I deepthroated him. I stayed still for awhile, my eyes watering after I hit ten seconds. I pulled my mouth off of him and then looked up at him as I toyed with the slit.

"So pretty Luke," he said and he looked at me as I took him deep into my mouth again. "So pretty when you're sucked my co.ck." He told me and I hummed.

I took all of him into my mouth and my throated contracted around him. "Fu.ck, c-cr.ap, Luke," he whined as I bobbed my head, breathing through my nose the best I could so I didn't have to pull away so quickly.

"Yes, y-yes Luke I'm so close." He moaned and I let my teeth lightly, carefully, scratch along his skin, making him groan loudly. "Sh-Sh.it." He whined and I could feel his co.ck twitch lightly.

I pulled my mouth off of him and he looked at me. "No coming yet baby, I'm sorry." I said and he sighed.

"Come here." He said and I leaned up pressing my lips against his. "You're so good with your mouth." He said and I chuckled.

"That's good for you eh." I said and he nodded while chuckling. "Where's your lube and con.doms?" I asked and he patted the nightstand to the right of the bed.

I opened it and then reached around, stabbing my hand twice on the edge of what felt like picture frames. When I finally grabbed ahold of the items we needed, I closed the drawer and set them on top of the nightstand.

"Get those jeans off." He said and I nodded, immediately taking them off. I let out a breath of relief as I tossed the denim on the floor and then threw my boxers on the floor aswell.

My fingers curled under the fabric of his own and I pulled them down his legs. I threw them aside and then I crawled between his legs. "No second thoughts?" I asked as I grabbed the lube and con.dom.

"Not at all." He said and smiled as I opened the packet, rolling the con.dom on and then smeared some lube on my fingers.

"Spread your legs for me baby, nice and wide." I said softly and he did as I side. I slid my lubed up fingers between his legs and he gasped as the cool liquid hit his hot skin.

"Hurry Luke." He said and I chuckled as I nodded. I slowly slid my middle finger into him and then squeezed my eyes shut.

"You're so tight around my finger." I breathed out as he rocked his hips against my finger. "Have you slep-"

"No." He said and I nodded as I curled my finger. He grabbed the sheets in his hands and I bit my bottom lip as I eyed him. "Another one, please Luke." He said and I nodded.

I pulled my finger out and slowly pushed two into him. I curled them and pushed them against his pro.state, knowing he'd enjoy it.

The moan that escaped his lips made me chuckle and I grabbed my free wrist that was rested on his thigh. His fingers were tight around me, sure to leave a mark if he kept it there and I was positive he wasn't moving soon.

"Like the way my fingers feel inside of your tight little a.ss Mikey?" I asked him and he nodded asked he panted, pushing against my fingers as I scissored them apart.

"Yeah-Yeah I love it Luke." He said and I nodded as he gasped. "Please, fu.ck me already a Luke. Please." He said and I chuckled.

"Of course Mikey." I said and slipped my fingers out of him. I wiped my fingers on the sheets that will have to be washed regardless and then opened the lube again, smearing all over my co.ck.

I wiped the extra on his sheets and then tossed the tube on the floor. I scooted close to him and grabbed his thighs, runni ng my hands up and down then softly. "Ready?" I asked and he nodded.

I took ahold of my co.ck and slowly, very slowly, pushed into him. I groaned lowly, and he gasped, his hands grabbing my biceps this time rather than my wrist.

"Oh fu.ck," he muttered and I stopped, looking up at him. I slipped my hands under his back and then ran my hands through his hair, leaving his body pressed against mine.

I gave him a kiss and he returned it, his lips moving against mine and sending shocks in my veins. I slowly rocked my hips as he bit down on my bottom lip and he clawed at my back.

"So perfect Mikey." I whispered to him and he hummed. We pulled away and I buried my face into his neck, sucking and biting on the skin.

"Luke, Luke fu.ck," he moaned and I groaned lightly as his nails dug deep into my back. "Harder please."

"You're so tight Mikey," I said as I thrusted harder into him. "Fu.ck, that's not right baby. I should have been there to fu.ck you nice and good, I'm sorry."

"Make up for it now." He breathed out and I chuckled as I felt one of his hands slip between is to jerk himself off.

"I will." I said and nibbled on his earlobe. "Mark me baby boy, I'm your's, all your's, only your's." I told him and he nodded.

"I hate sharing." He said and I chuckled as I pressed my forehead against his. "Now less talking, more fu.cking."

"Bossy," I commented as I took my srms out from underneath him. I rested my forearms straight against the bed and he rolled his eyes. "I like it. Tell me what to do Mikey. Make me your bi.tch." I said and he chuckled.

"Another time." He said and I nodded. I lifted on of his legs on to my shoulder and he groaned at the new angle. "Oh god."

"That's not my name baby." I said and thrusted harder into him. "What's my name? It's not god." I said and he buried his face into my neck.

"Luke. Fu.ck Luke," he whined and I nodded. "Right there." He told me and I chuckled lowly.

"I know baby, I know what makes you feel good." I said and wrapped my hand around his bitten up neck.

"Yes," he gasped and looked at me, his red hair matted against his forehead with sweat. "Just like this." He said and squeezed his eyes as I slightly tightened my grip on his neck.

"Keep your eyes open Mikey, wanna see those beautiful eyes of yours." I told him and he looked at me. I smiled and he dug his nails into my bicep as he continued to jerk himself off.

"What happened to me not having to lift a finger?" He teased and I chuckled as I shook my head.

"You didn't tell me what to do, if you did, if have my hand around your neck and your co.ck." I said and he nodded as I kissed his jaw.

He moaned and I looked down at his comck, watching the way it'd disappear into his fist. I groaned and looked at Michael, feeling myself close to coming.

"Luke, I'm gonna come." He said and I nodded. "C-Can I? May I?" He asked and I nodded as I chuckled.

"Yeah, come for me Mikey. Come on." I encouraged and he threw his head back as he grunted loudly, making me tighten my fist around his neck. "You look so se.xy when you come baby." I said as I snapped my hips up to his.

I let go of his neck and sat up on my knees. I slammed into him and he groaned loudly as I threw my head back. "I'm gonna come Mikey," I said and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Yeah? Come on Luke, come for me." He said and I looked at him. Just looking at him coveted in sweat and come was enough to make me do the same.

I stilled my hips and grunted loudly as I came into the con.dom. I looked at Michael and he sat up, pressing a kiss against my lips.

"How about I-I let you borrow some clothes and you stay the night here? Me, you, some beer, cigarettes, and 2000's rock music? Like old times." He asked and I gave him an exhausted smile.

"I'd love that Mikey."