Eclipse Of The Moon ~ Book 1 of Aaron
Chapter 15
F*ck You, God!

Saturday 12 October 2002

At this stage, I know I'm not having a nightmare. This situation is worse than a nightmare.

It was supposed to be a great day. Our annual birthday celebration always makes a great day. It's never been much, just four best friends gathering as they do almost every day. Four best friends who share a cake that one of them made and sodas that the other three brought. Four best friends who spend a few hours together, talking, and laughing at crude jokes.

Today wouldn't have been much of an exception.

Since they are turning 17, and recently became young adults who discovered sex, they might have lurked at sexy pictures and given head to each other as birthday presents. Nothing much more than what they usually do in the end, but still with that idea of a celebration, knowing it would be their last one as such. Next year, they will all be in different places at that period of year, so it wouldn't be possible.

This was going to be their last childish celebration, and they were eager for it. A delightful afternoon at their shack, their safe place, their haven. But it turned into a disastrous drama as two strangers decided to ruin the party by sexually assaulting one of them.

This one is me. Honestly, I don't want to think about this awful experience right now because I don't know what to feel about it. There are more urgent matters at hand and for now, I am more shocked by Camden's distress and anger. One of his feet is trying to reach for the assaulter's hand while Mark is doing his best to hold him.

As the motherfucker loses his grip and lets himself fall on the ground, it seems like it releases a bit of pressure on the shack which finally stops shaking.

"Fuck!! He's going to run away!" Joshua growls as we hear the man yell and curse down the tree and indeed, his footsteps soon begin to fade away.

"Cam, stop fucking moving! You're gonna make us fall!" Mark yells as he is trying to hold our writhing friend with one arm and his legs, gripping a branch of the tree with his other hand. They are in a worse position than Joshua and me since we are closer to the ladder and further inside the shack.

"Ron, I'm going to try and carry you down... so I can go and help Mark, okay?"

Still gagged, I nod and let Joshua drag me to the ladder the best he can. I don't care that my sweatpants and underwear are still at my ankles, I am way past beyond modesty around my friends. Joshua is well-built from regular physical exercise, but I am tall and almost a dead weight for him, so it takes him a good five minutes to cautiously drag me to ladder and carry me down.

"Josh... Try to hurry..." Mark utters painfully just as we reach the ground, so Joshua drops me there and climbs back up the ladder to go and help Mark with Camden.

That's when I see it... The other man's body lying on the ground, in a weird position that doesn't allow me to see his head. The other guy has fled already but this one doesn't seem to move at all. I don't dare reach for him, not for fear of what he may do to me, but I am scared to discover a truth I don't want to hear or see.

Please God... Don't tell me he's dead...

I have never had a problem with disrespecting some of the Commandments, but not the one that says Thou Shalt Not Kill. I don't care being a sinner for my lies, my lust and what's not, but I can't be a murderer.

"Hey Ron... How are you, Bro?" Mark suddenly asks me softly as he removes the tape and the gag in my mouth before he frees my wrists. I realize that I have curled up with my legs pulled up against my chest, staring in emptiness. This pulls me out of my daze, allowing me to see that my three friends are now all on firm ground.

They're safe. It's all that matters.

"Okay..." I breathe out, peeking up at the shack up there.

"Mark, help Aaron a bit further away! Let's not stay here in case more planks fall!" Joshua calls out while he is tugging on a fiery Camden.

This definitely wakes me up from my daze and once Mark has helped me to stand up, I quickly pull up my pants and rush to Cam's side. Our friend seems to be in some sort of trance, writhing within Joshua's hold and growling through his gag that I remove for him.

"Detach me! Detach me!!!" he yells! "I'm going to go and hunt that fucker! I'm going to kill him!!!"

"Don't, Ron!!! Don't detach him for now!!" Mark screams.

"What!?" Camden yells in answer. "Ron, remove that fucking tape!!"

"Don't do that, Aaron!" Joshua concurs with Mark. "We can't let Cam go away in that state! He's going to do a mistake!"

"The guys are right, Cam... I'm sorry..."

"Ugh NOOOOOO! LET ME GO AND HUNT HIM DOWN!!!!" Cam yells, his bloodshot eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

"Cam, Cam, Cam... listen to me..." I say, cupping his face and pulling him down on the ground. Fuck! My backside is so sore!!

"Oh my God... Ron..." Cam whispers when he sees me wince in pain.

It seems to bring him back to his right mind as he takes in the situation and immediately calms down. Somehow. Not really. He just goes from a fiery extreme to a panicking other.

"Please forgive me, Ron... I'm so sorry... I tried... I really tried... I'm sorry I was so weak... I'm so sorry I couldn't help... I just couldn't fight that bastard... I'm so s..."

"Stop, Cam!!" I interrupt him. "It wasn't your fault, Bro... You couldn't do anything..."

"I should have been able to do something! I should have prevented that..."

"They caught you by surprise!!!" I argue.

"He caught me by surprise, Ron. He! There was only one guy and I should have been able to fight him... If I had been stronger and not so..."

"Shut up, Cam! Shut the fuck up! I don't need your guilt now! There's nothing you could have done, I'm telling you, so stop it!" I yell, much louder than him and he finally quits his rant.

"Damn, Ron... I think you were bleeding... How much are you hurting?" Mark asks warily, pulling me back to my feet.

"I'm okay, Mark... I'm okay... How are you, guys?" I ask when I eventually notice Mark is bleeding a bit at the corner of his lips and Joshua has the beginning of a bruise on his cheek.

"We're all good, it's you who matter for now..." Joshua replies. "Fuck!! What happened? Who were those guys?"

Once we have finally freed Camden, I tell them briefly what happened before Cam arrived, leaving the gross details out but they understand.

"I don't know who these guys were... All I know is that they were after me... with what they said..."

"Okay... We'll think about that a bit later, we need to take you to a doctor, Ron..." Joshua says but I cut him.

"No!!! No, doctor! My parents can't find out about what happened!" I breathe out as I peek toward the still corpse a bit further away from us. "Oh fuck... Is this guy dead?" I mumble, collapsing on the ground.

"What do we care, Ron?" Cam asks, kneeling beside me.

"I care!! I don't want to be a murderer!!"

"It was an accident, Aaron!!" Joshua intervenes.

"I pushed him!! I almost killed us all!"

"The shack moved, Aaron... He lost his balance... It's not your fault!!" Mark adds softly but it doesn't really ease my guilt.

"Seriously, guys... We need to decide what we do... Aaron, I still think you need to see a Doc..." Joshua insists.

"No! I don't want to see a doctor. They'll call my parents... and the police... and when they find the guy's body, I'll go to jail!"

"You're not going to jail, Ron!" Camden shouts. "We'll say I did push him. I can easily pass off as mentally-deranged anyway..."

"The heck, Cam?" I argue. "You're not mentally-deranged! And think about, Sony! Who's going to take care of him if you go to jail? What if your father is released and returns to live with your mother!?"

"Will you two shut up!? No one would go to jail! Don't be silly! It was a fucking accident!" Mark groans as he crouches in front of me. "In any case, it was self-defense... Now Joshua is right... I get you don't want to see a doctor, but you're bleeding, it would be more serious... And we definitely need to decide what we do now. We're all in it, it's not just you, Ron... It's all for one and one for all. Agreed, guys?" he then asks, glancing at both Camden and Joshua.

"Obviously!" they both answer.

"I don't know what to do..." I mumble. "All I know is I can't let my parents know... If the guy's really dead... and even about the rest..." I trail off, peeking again in the man's direction.

"We need to make the corpse disappear. It's as simple as that," Cam states with determination as he stands up and walks to the body. "Motherfucker!" he growls as he spits and begins to kick the man with rage.

"Cam!!!" Joshua yells. He hurries over there and drags our friend back to where we are. "Stop that!" he shouts, pushing him down to make him sit beside me.

"I wish I could get the other one!" he seethes.

"Forget it for now, Cam..." I say softly. "How do we make a body disappear...?"

"We could bury him here... No one ever visits that part of the woods..." Cam suggests.

"Impossible. I heard the city has plans to raze some of this area in the next few years to construct buildings or whatever. We can't take that risk..."

"There's the cemetery just over there..." I propose in my turn.

"Yeah great idea, Ron... And when they find him while digging a new tomb..." Camden replies.

"Okay, okay that was stupid..." I admit.

"Josh...?" Mark calls out. "Don't you think... Tony could help?"

"There's an idea!" Joshua cheers just as I speak the contrary.

"No way!! You know what Tony will do! He'll just call the police and let them deal with this!"

"Not if we give him the right arguments..." Josh says knowingly, his neurons already working at full speed.

When I try to protest again, he just shuts me with a sign of his hand, indicating that he needs to think this over quietly. And in these moments, we know better than to disturb him because this is just Josh.

However, I don't like this idea at all. I don't know Tony Jacobson that much, but from what I have seen on the occasions I met him and from what Joshua often tells us, Tony is not the kind of man who could help us concealing a corpse. The man is an ex-soldier and he works as a bodyguard for important persons who have a lot of influence. I heard he has contacts with the police and he also knows a few persons working for the FBI. This is screaming honesty to me and definitely not someone who would go around the law.

"Aaron," Joshua says with firm resolve after two long minutes of reflection. "Just shut up and trust me."

I open my mouth to protest again but Mark covers my mouth with his hand, scowling at me with a meaningful expression that says Trust him! Meanwhile, Joshua fishes his mobile phone from his pocket and dials a number.

"Hi, Tony... This is Joshua... Hmm... We have a problem here... And we need your help..."

".........."

"I can't tell you over the phone, it's too serious... but I need you to promise something. Please don't get mad and don't call the police..."

".........."

I can't decipher what Tony replies, but I can definitely hear him shout on the other end. This doesn't smell good, so I gesture for Joshua to cut the call, but he just keeps on.

"Please Tony, I can't tell you like this. I'd rather you see for yourself..." Joshua pleads.

".........."

"At the shack... We're at the shack," he finally sighs before he hangs up.

There is a long minute of silence during which we all stare at each other with a bit of fear.

"He's coming. Guys, just let me deal with him. I know he looks like a bear and he can be scary, but trust me I've gotten to know him well over the years and I know he can help us," Joshua eventually says before he crouches in front of me. "Are you okay, Ron? I mean... physically speaking... The blood's worrying me..."

"I'm okay, Josh... Don't worry," I reply with the best confidence I can muster.

The truth is that it stings a bit, which is why I am sitting more across my right hip and buttock, but it's not that bad for now, and to be honest, the other aspects of the events are more worrisome than this.

I guess Tony must have been at Joshua's place because less than ten minutes later, we see a man running in our direction, and my heart starts beating faster. Tony is tall although we are close to overgrow him. His buzz cut gives him a strict aura, just as much as his athletic and powerful build, his authoritative stance and his severe expression. He can be scary, but at the same time, as he takes in the scenery, he quickly understands that Josh wasn't kidding when he said things were serious and deep concern displays on his face.

"Fuck..." he mutters when he notices the corpse by the tree where our shack is threatening to fall off.

Tony peeks up and cautiously stops by the man on the ground. I assume he is searching for his pulse, but he soon stands up and walks to us, his expression full of questions. However, he doesn't shoot them right away and takes a whole minute to gauge the situation with me painfully curled up on the ground and protectively surrounded by my friends.

"What the hell happened here, Joshua?" he asks before he focuses on me and cautiously kneels in front of me. "Aaron... Are you in pain? What happened, Boy?"

"Is he... dead?" I ask in a barely audible voice and Tony slightly nods in answer. "Oh God..." I squeal, tears filling my eyes again. My hands start shaking and Camden immediately reaches for me to try and soothe me.

"Boys, I need explanations," Tony states firmly and as agreed, we let Joshua speak.

"Aaron was raped," Joshua announces bluntly and Tony's head immediately flicks back to me with horrified eyes and sincere compassion before Josh continues in a dull voice. "We were supposed to meet here at 2:30pm as usual. When Mark and I arrived, there was this guy over there pinning Cam on the floor in the shack. He was tied up too," he clarifies when he notices Cam tense beside me. "And there was another guy... assaulting Aaron. We fought and at some point, this one here lost his balance and broke through the wall. It was an accident, Tony... But then the shack began to fall apart. The other guy managed to escape while Mark and I were trying to get Cam and Aaron back to the ground. Tony, we need your help... How can we get rid of this corpse?"

"What!? Are you kidding me, Joshua?" Tony exclaims, exactly like I expected, but he returns his attention to me with wide opened eyes. "I'm going to take you to hospital first, Boy..."

Now, this is exactly what I feared.

"Noooooo!!! I'm not going to hospital!!" I breathe out, trying to scoot away from him but Mark is blocking me on the right, Camden on the left and Tony has no difficulty sitting me back against the tree.

"You need to see a doctor, Aaron! They need to take samples and do tests... They need that to press charges!"

"No!! I can't press charges! They're going to involve my parents and I don't want them to know! That would be a disaster!!"

"This is already a disaster, Boy, be reasonable, you need to be checked up!!"

"No, I'm okay! And the guy used a condom! So they won't find anything!"

"They could get his DNA in hair or sweat..."

"I don't care, I don't want to press charges!"

"Your parents should decide for that, you're a minor!"

"Ugh!!! I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T CALL HIM!!!!" I shout angrily at Joshua.

"Tony, please..." Joshua begs. "Aaron has his reasons to not involve his parents..."

"What reasons?" the man asks, giving me the cold look.

"My reasons..." I just answer. "Besides, I don't want to go to jail! I'm the one who pushed the guy before he fell. I kicked him!"

"This was self-defense, Aaron. You wouldn't go to jail!"

"As far as I know, justice doesn't always play fair, so I'm not taking this risk. Either you help us, or you can go away and do as if you hadn't seen any of this, Mr. Jacobson!" I reply with determination.

His scowl only deepens but I don't want him to see that I am impressed, so I force myself to hold his look and scowl back at him.

"What's with your parents? Are they... violent?" he asks, briefly peeking at Camden.

"It's not really about that," I reply sternly. "My parents are very religious people. Not the kind you see everywhere, sadly. They're among the most zealous, practicing their religion in the most extreme way. They are huge homophobes. You have no idea of what they're going to do to me if they hear about this... They're sick about this!"

"You were raped, Aaron. This is not your fault... Your parents wouldn't react badly..."

"THEY WOULD! They recently found out I'm gay... They'll say it's my fault. They'll say I probably lured these men to fuck me! AND FUCK!! I JUST DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW! IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!" I scream in anger.

"Aaron, if you think your parents are going to react badly, there are other solutions. You could be placed in a foster fam..."

"NOOOOOOO!" I rage, standing up painfully and taking some distance. Anger and frustration are filling me now, and I am about to lose it. "FUCK! I'M GOING TO MAKE IT CLEAR: I'M NOT GOING TO SEE A DOCTOR! I'M NOT GOING TO THE POLICE! I'M NOT PRESSING CHARGES! I'M NOT TELLING MY PARENTS!!"

"Ron... Calm down, Bro..." Joshua whispers as he reaches and pulls me into a hug, allowing me to break down this time.

"I swear I'm going to run away..." I mumble in his hold.

"I'm not letting you run away, Ron... No way..." he whispers before he pulls back and turns to Tony. "I'm the one who pushed the guy, Tony. I'm the one who will be in trouble if we call the police..."

"Stop your bullshit, Joshua! I know you're lying! And anyway, it doesn't matter who did. The police need to deal with that!"

"Then go away, Tony. Let us deal with it! Do as if I hadn't called you! And we'll manage on our own!" Joshua replies with anger, obviously disappointed.

"Don't be stupid! That's no movie! Bodies don't disappear just like that!!" he argues. "We don't even know who these guys are!!"

"ENOUGH!!!" I scream. "I'll make it simple: if my parents find out, they are going to make my life a hell. Worse than it's already been so far, and I won't deal with that! I'll either commit suicide or run away from here. And I'm not kidding, Mr. Jacobson! Now that's not complicated. Either you help us to conceal that body under these conditions, or you go away and let us deal with this on our own with the risk we won't do it so well... But know that I am not joking here."

Tony passes his hands over his face in frustration and kicks some leaves in anger. I can see he is fuming inside, and I am sorry we got him into such a situation. I can only imagine the conflict within him. On their sides, my friends are dumbfounded by my words, fear is displaying on their faces.

"You're not serious, Ron... Suicide? Running away?" Camden whispers.

"I've never been so serious, guys... You don't know how my life would become hell if my parents ever learned about this... That's just..."

I can't finish my sentence and break down again, feeling oppressed at the thought of what could happen to me. Rape or not, this is male on male intercourse, and that's a deadly sin. Mark is already by side, hugging me.

"This is completely insane..." I hear Tony grumble.

"Tony... I'm sorry I got you into this, but I know Aaron... You can trust him... And I don't want him to do a mistake..."

"There are other solutions, Joshua," Tony whispers back to him.

"No, there aren't... Now please go away if you don't want to help us, and we'll do as if this conversation never happened."

"Ugh, just shut up! I can't do that. I can't ignore it happened!"

"You'll have to... It's either that or..."

"Shut the fuck up! And let me think!" Tony growls.

The guys and I gather and sit on the ground, then watch Tony pace among the trees, obviously furiously thinking. He sometimes grumbles a few incomprehensible words that we can't decipher, but none of us dares to interrupt him. He looks like a lion in a cage, trying to weigh the pros and the cons. I can totally imagine the conflict in his head and I understand how difficult this is for him.

On one side, there are four teenagers with a crazy idea after one of them was raped and accidentally killed one of his assaulters. On the other side, there is him, an adult with a mature and responsible mind. Yet, I think he has understood that I am serious with my threats and this is scaring him.

"I'll help you," he declares sternly after a good ten minutes as he comes to stand in front of our group, towering us. His expression is determined and severe, and I'm afraid there will be some compromising to do. "I'll help you under certain conditions. And they are not negotiable, is this clear?" he asks and we all nod in answer.

"First thing, I'm going to drive you to the Pierces'. You don't want to see a doctor, fine. But you need to be checked up. Liz has a first-aid certificate and you will let her examine you!" the man tells me firmly. I want to protest, but his tone leaves no place for argument and his dark look shuts me up. "Then what happened here shall remain between us, and only us. I'm not even sure I'll tell Liz about the details. I'll convince her not to call the police or whatever. But let it be clear! No one shall ever know about that corpse, am I clear?"

"Yes, Tony..." we all reply in unison.

"I'm serious about this, Boys! I really hate you for making me do this, but I don't want to have a runaway kid or a suicide on my conscience all the same. So I'll repeat myself again: this can't be known to anyone in the future! NEVER EVER! That would get us in far too many problems! Last point, I don't want any of you involved in the concealing of this body, so I'll drive you all to the Pierce's mansion and I'll deal with this on my own."

"What are you going to do with..." Joshua begins to ask but Tony interrupts him.

"You don't ask! That's none of your business!" he scolds him. "Don't ever ask me. ANY OF YOU! And once that's done, I don't want to hear about it again. This story will remain between us. Official version for Liz: Aaron was raped, you guys fought with the assaulters, but they escaped and since they wore masks, you don't know who they were. Period. Official version for anyone else: nothing happened. Are you sure you can deal with this, Aaron?"

"Yes, Sir..." I reply in a small voice.

"Still..." he says more softly, crouching in front of me again. "You might need professional support in the future. I know you're a strong boy, but a lot of rape victims need therapy..."

"I'm a survivor, Mr. Jacobson," I reply firmly. "I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor."

"I know you're a brave boy, but if you ever need an ear, you have your friends, you have me, and you have Liz, understood?" I nod and he recovers a more serious expression. "When you're ready, I'll want a description of the other guy. This one doesn't seem to have an ID on him, no wallet or whatsoever. I'll still make some research if I can. You sure you don't know them?"

"Their voices didn't ring a bell at all. And I can't give you a physical description, unfortunately. They were wearing balaclavas. All I know is that that the guy who escaped had deep blue eyes..."

"His wrist... His left wrist..." Mark whispers. "He had a tattoo... It looked like an S..."

"Nice catch, Mark!! Now that you mention it, you're right, I saw it too!" Joshua concurs.

"That's a start..." Tony sighs. "Okay, let's go now."

Before we leave the woods, Tony and the guys conceal the body underneath planks, and it is just after 3:30pm when we reach Joshua's house. Tony takes Liz aside to talk to her briefly, giving her instructions before he leaves again.

When she returns to the living room, Liz tenderly reaches out for me, pulling into a motherly hug, but I'm grateful that she remains silent and doesn't ask questions.

"Let's go take care of you, Sweetheart," she simply says as she leads me upstairs and into one of the guestrooms while my friends wait in the kitchen.

The next half-hour is a mix of pain and embarrassment. I have known Liz for years and grown comfortable around her – like I am around Mr. and Mrs. Murray – but not to the point I would easily hang around naked in her presence. And yet, I find myself lying on my hands and knees, my pants and briefs pooled at my ankles, so that she can tend to my most private parts.

"The cut doesn't look too bad, Aaron," she reassures me with her soft and compassionate voice as she cleans up the blood between my buttocks. "It's swollen, but it has stopped bleeding."

While she uses sterile pads and disinfectant, I shut my eyes and try to suppress all the flashbacks of what happened this afternoon. The pain is something, but Cam's distress and fury are another, so I strive to focus on more positive thoughts. It could have been worse. It could have been much worse. We owe so much to Joshua and Mark. Hadn't they reacted promptly, restrained as we were and unable to use our arms, Camden and I could have died from the fall, like that motherfucker who crashed to the ground.

"Thank you, Liz," I say shyly once I have dressed back.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart. Be careful in the next few days, as it might bleed again when you use the toilets. I'll give you painkillers from the Pierces' pharmacy, and an ointment that you can apply three times a day. It's used to treat hemorrhoids, but it'll help soothing the pain."

"Thanks so much, Liz..."

"Oh, Sweetie," she coos, pulling me into another tight hug, "I'm sure Tony told you already, but if you ever need to talk, you know we're here for you, right?"

"Yes, thanks..." I reply, fighting the tears prickling my eyes.

I'm glad she doesn't insist more than that, though. I was afraid she might try to pry information or to convince me to press charges, but she doesn't and I'm thankful for her discretion.

When we get back downstairs, Josh and Mark are sitting at the island counter and obviously trying to reason Cam who's grumbling, pacing like a lion in a cage.

"Hey, Cammy," I whisper, catching his attention, and the next second, the usually-distant teenager is all over me, hugging me so tightly that I might suffocate. "I'm alright, Cam, stop freaking out, please," I beg him, but it takes a few minutes before his sobs quieten.

All the same, the tension doesn't leave his body and the guilt creeping up his head is pure torture. We will have to talk it through in the next few days; I don't want this incident to enhance further problems or violence issues.

There are more silent hugs from Josh and Mark and through their embrace, I can feel all their compassion and love. The four of us are a whole, and that's why we will overcome what happened. As Mark said earlier, it's all for one, and one for all.

Once Liz has taken care of Mark's slightly swollen lip, Joshua's bruise and a few scratches on Cam's hands – and I'm glad that there wasn't more damage on their side! – she prepares hot chocolate for the four of us. The warm and sugary beverage makes me feel a tad better, reminding me of good old times when we had some either at the Murrays' restaurant or here.

Time is flying, though, and as much as I would have liked to see Tony to find out how things went, we all have to head back to our respective places. Anyway, he probably wouldn't tell us anything. Joshua promises to keep us informed in any case and kindly offers to call Danny to cancel our plans for tomorrow afternoon. For obvious reasons, none of us is in the mood and might not be for a while.

There are more hugs as we part, and Camden insists on walking me back to my place – or at least to my street – just in case. Just in case I suddenly feel unwell, he says, but also just in case the other assaulter resurfaces, I think. I doubt this is going to happen, but there is no point trying to reason Camden when he is fixed on an idea.

"You're early, Aaron!" my mother cheers when I walk in at barely 5:30, certainly surprised not to see me show up at the last deadline.

"Yes... Good evening, Mom," I greet her, peering around the living room for my father. "Where's Dad?"

"He is at church," she replies in a weird tone, "but he will be back shortly, I guess."

At church? Again?

I don't dwell on this because all I need right now is a long and warm shower, so I quickly head upstairs and lock myself inside the bathroom. Once under the hot stream of water, I let go of all the tension I have accumulated over the past hours and break down in tears. With my sobs muffled by the noise of the shower, I allow myself to release part of the soreness chafing my entire body.

My ass is throbbing. My muscles are sore. My heart hurts. My soul is aching.

I'm crying because I can't see clear through my emotions and there are so many thoughts confusing my mind!

Am I feeling dirty? I can't be sure. The bastard did invade my intimacy and yet, I can't help but think that he was wearing a condom and didn't even have time to reach an orgasm. Such a poor reasoning, though.

Am I feeling soiled? Yes, definitely, but it's not even what bothers me the most. There's something else. Something nagging at the back of my head, and I just can't pinpoint it.

Am I physically aching? Undeniably. The soreness between my buttocks is real, but at the same time, the pain makes me feel alive.

There are too many emotions filling my head right now and I am so confused. I know something is trying to stick out among everything, but I just can't define what it is exactly. My head is such a huge mess that I end up scratching my arms with rage. I'm so furious!

How could you let this happen, God!?

"Aaron? Are you still showering?" Catherine calls out from behind the door, making me startle.

"I'm done," I reply in the steadiest voice I can manage, switching the tap off.

While in the bathroom, I use the medication Liz gave me. I swallow a pill and apply the cream all over my anus, hoping it will soothe the swell and pain. Wincing a bit, I put on my pajamas and go hide everything under my mattress: the cream, the painkillers and my soiled briefs. My sweatpants were black, so I put those in the hamper.

Once ready, I head back downstairs to meet everyone in the living room since it's time to pray the rosary. Noelly, Catherine and Ananie are on the couch while my parents use the two armchairs, so I greet them briefly, grab my own rosary and kneel by the low table. I don't think I will like to sit for a while anyway.

The atmosphere seems a bit tense tonight though, with my mother wearing a worrisome expression and my father looking upset, but I don't really care right now. My own head is populated with too many painful memories of this afternoon and non-less painful emotions that are mixing up there and creating a confusing mess.

Since it's Saturday, we are going for a full round of the rosary, which means it'll take us an hour to complete all the prayers. In the beginning, I don't really pay much attention to what is being said, and my own voice sounds distant as it automatically joins the other's voices, but as we enter the third decade of the rosary, I suddenly feel a terrible wave of nausea washing over me when the emotion I couldn't pinpoint earlier finally overcomes all the others.

Just after my father announces the third mystery, all the words become clear in my ears.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen."

Deliver us from evil.

See how your dirty fag of a friend is learning his lesson?

Deliver us from evil.

The words aren't meant this way, but I find a whole new meaning in them.

Betrayal.

I feel betrayed.

This is what I feel the worst. This is the emotion that has been creeping at the back of my head for the past hours, trying to hide among others, but it is clear now. Crystal clear!

I can remember my screams for help this afternoon, all of them incomprehensible because of the gag I had in my mouth. But I can also remember my prayers to God, begging for His help. The way I called for Him to stop this nightmare. The way I pleaded for His mercy. How I couldn't understand why He would let this happen to one of His children. I begged Him to spare my friends from witnessing this.

He didn't listen.

He ignored me.

He left me to endure this hellish situation.

He betrayed me.

My chest suddenly starts heaving as the nausea comes full force. I can't speak anymore as the lump in my stomach begins to head up toward my throat. With a hand over my mouth, I pull myself up and scamper to the restroom where I just have time to kneel down before my stomach releases its contents in the bowl. My mother is by my side within the next few seconds, brushing my back with her hand, and I hate the contact. I want to be left alone, yet I let her stay, accepting the glass of water she is handing to me and cleaning my mouth once it's over.

"Are you alright, Darling?" she asks warily.

Yeah... I'm feeling perfect, Mom! That's why I just vomited!

"No... I think I caught a cold or something..." I mumble, avoiding her eyes.

"Go rest in your bedroom, Aaron. I will bring you soup a bit later if you want," she offers and I just accept because all I want now is peace and loneliness.

Once in the darkness of my bedroom, I shut the door and go lie on the bed, rolling myself in my comforter.

It was supposed to be a great day. Our annual birthday celebration always makes a great day. It's never been much, just four best friends gathering as they do almost every day. Four best friends who share a cake that one of them made and sodas that the other three brought. Four best friends who spend a few hours together, talking, and laughing at crude jokes.

Today wouldn't have been much of an exception.

Since we were turning 17, and recently became young adults who discovered sex, we might have lurked at sexy pictures and given head to each other as birthday presents. Nothing much more than what we usually do in the end, but still with that idea of a celebration, knowing it would be our last one as such. Next year, we will all be in different places at that period of year, so it wouldn't be possible.

This was going to be our last childish celebration, and we were eager for it. A delightful afternoon at our shack, our safe place, our haven. But it turned into a disastrous drama as two strangers decided to ruin the party by sexually assaulting one of them.

This one is me.

Me, one of God's children.

Me, who prayed God to end this nightmare.

Me, whom God betrayed.

I just don't understand. How could He let this happen? Was it some sort of trial? Was it my penance for all my sins? Was it His sanction for all my lies, adultery and yielding to same-sex attraction? Would God go as far as punishing me with being raped? Is this His way to show me how a bad Catholic I have been for the past years, but even worse over the last months? Is it His Revenge for my lack of faith in Him and the way I have been faking around church?

But revenge is not tolerable in our religion. Good Catholics aren't supposed to seek revenge or kill. Catechism taught me that to desire vengeance in order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit. God is supposed to be perfect... not evil... Yet, what he made me and my friends endure today... This is just evil...

Now everything has become clearer in my mind and I can only see two options.

One is that God doesn't exist and I have been fooled by legends, myths and superstitions ever since I was a kid, because God wouldn't let such a thing happen to one of His children, no matter how unfaithful this child may have been; he wouldn't have abandoned one of his children in such a situation, ignoring his pleas.

The other one is that God does exist, but in this case, he is just as evil as the Devil, and I have all the right to hate him from then on. Either way, this is the last straw for me.

The last bit of faith I had in God just vanishes in this instant.

I was drowned in religion from my birth. My faith was solid until I reached the early stages of adolescence, but it kept diminishing from then on. I feel like I was some sort of puppet played on by a Master and His disciples.

However, the strings I was attached to have been eroded over the past years, growing as thin as hair and making it harder for them all to manipulate me.

The puppet has slowly become less controllable; its awkward moves have strained the solidity of the strings, and today's events were like scissors that cut through them.

The puppet just broke free.

I am breaking free.

This is the last time I am addressing you and you'd better hear my message...

FUCK YOU GOD!

Published on 30 July 2019

Now you've just had the final word of these tragic events that happened in their youths, or at least part of the final word. I'm going to be honest with you, you won't get to know who commanded Aaron's rape until the end of the series. Of course, Aaron will question this in the next few chapters, but he won't get an answer himself until several years, and if you've read all the previous books, especially one of them actually, you could easily put 2 and 2 together and guess when it'll happen.

That's it for today's A/N, but if you're interested in a bit of boring history and pointers, you can carry on reading.

Since a few readers asked what were the hints dropped in the first four books, here's a little help with a selection of passages from the other stories.

When I started I Was Shooting For The Moon, I Hit Two Stars more than three years ago, without intending to ever write Aaron's story, I had vaguely imagined something terrible that had happened to him and his friends, some sort of trauma, and what you've just read is more or less what I had in mind. Along the following books, while defining all the main characters' personalities, more and more details stemmed in my head, slowly creating what would be a complicated imbroglio. It started with the idea that the guys would stop organizing parties for their birthdays. It continued with Aaron refusing to ever go back to NJ (though as you'll see, it's not really linked to this), then involving Tony, etc...

(Since I'm currently rereading the four first books, I'll add more for future readers as I find them)

In I Was Shooting For The Moon, I Hit Two Stars:

There are mostly references to the fact that Mark won't celebrate his birthday, but there's also this little reference in the epilogue when Josh calls and says they have a problem. Mark says that the last time they said that sentence, it was when Alex ran away, and that there had been two more occurrences. One was Liam, and the first time was in their adolescence, so that was it.

In I Would Give Him The Moon:

Chapter 69 (The Lifesaver): that moment when Josh wants to beat down the guys who assaulted Liam, and Tony tells him he won't do a repeat of the past. And that's why Aaron has a quavering voice at that moment.

In Twisted Moon: (by then, I had decided to write Aaron's story, so there are more references)

Chapter 4 (The Call to Order): During the punishment, just before the whip, Cam remembers that evening he messed with Corey and his memory shifts to that afternoon at the shack when "one of his friends was harmed on a dirty floor while he himself was restrained, forced to watch. Also, remember that moment when Aaron is fucking Cam? Aaron tells him to get over it and that there wasn't anything he could do, and Cam realizes that he's not talking about Corey. Aaron was indeed telling him that Cam couldn't have done anything to save him that day.

Chapter 22 (And I thought my childhood was shit...): there's this whole conversation with Tony about Noah's past. At some point, Tony tells Cam that Noah's parents won't bother him anymore, and as he for a second thinks that Tony might have killed them, he suddenly has a flashback to that afternoon and how Tony had helped them.

Chapter 78 (Guilt): After Noah was rescued, remember Aaron's visit and he orders Cam to get out before he tells Noah about his past. As you already know, Cam was more traumatized by these events than Aaron, and that's why Aaron told him to go away while he would speak with Noah. As Aaron says, what he experienced wasn't as bad as what Noah did with Andrei, but both were still rapes.

Chapter 79 (One Step Forward): Cam also comes back on Aaron's visit, and he admits that Aaron managed better in getting over that afternoon than he did.

Chapter 83 (Goodbye Black Diamond): Noah believes that if Aaron is still single, it may have to do with these events, so we'll see if he was right... And then there's this conversation between all the Subs about the Doms' birthdays.

In the one-shots:

A training Going Out Of Control: Gary visits Aaron in his office because he wants to organize the mock assault foursome for Jeremy. Aaron says Mark wouldn't fit because of the assaulting background of the scene, mentioning scars of the past. And a bit later, he says that his scars of the past have healed much better than his friends'. That's where readers could have made a parallel because the mock assault was more or less a reproduction of what happened to Aaron.

That's it for now, but if I remember more, I'lladd them ;)