EIGHTEEN ALWAYS

As the year was getting closer and closer to the end, Xander found himself with a lingering sense of dread hanging over his head at all times of the day. He knew Alecks would write if his mother had died, but for some reason he was convincing himself that when he returned home, she wouldn't be there. He only had about a month to go, he could do this.

As the morning post came in, a letter dropped in front of him. He had written Alecks not too long ago, so he had already been awaiting her response. Still, his heart was beating in his chest as he saw his sister's messy scrawl on the outside of the envelope because he knew at any point this could be the news. His fingers traced the edge of the envelope as he tried to work up the courage to tear it open like everyone else who was happily receiving mail this morning.

"The longer you wait, the longer it's going to eat you," Diana spoke solemnly, her voice low as not to alert anyone else at their table. It felt strange to worry about such a private thing while in the most crowded room in the castle. Xander was suddenly incredibly aware of how vulnerable he was in this moment. He knew Diana was right, but still, he didn't move. When she saw this, she asked, "Do... do you want me to do it?"

This seemed to be the push he needed as Xander shook his head, tearing open the envelope without another thought. His heart felt heavy as he pulled out the piece of paper within, unfolding it with shaky hands. Scanning the paper, his heart stopped.

"Xander--" Diana began and he already knew she was going to ask what it said, but he couldn't bear to say the words out loud.

"I just... I need to be alone right now." He stood abruptly from the table, breakfast forgotten. He didn't care how many eyes were on him as he all but sprinted out of the great hall, all he knew was that he was suffocating and he couldn't handle being in a room with so many people when he felt like falling apart.

One month. One more month and he could've seen her again. He should have never gone back to Hogwarts in the first place. He shouldn't have listened to Alecks, his mother needed him and he left. His vision blurred as he cried while he walked, not knowing where he was going. He just knew he needed to get away. He prayed that Diana didn't follow him because as much as he loved the girl, he needed to grieve privately for just a moment. Just to let it sink in that Xander was never going to see his mother ever again. He didn't even know where to go, so eventually he just sat in the nook of a windowsill and let himself breathe.

Hearing a pair of footsteps approaching him, he called out, "I said I needed to be alone, Diana."

"I'm not Diana," a familiar voice cleared his throat and Xander rubbed his eyes to see Draco standing there with an awkward expression on his face as if he didn't know what to do in that moment. "I just saw you run and well, you always chase after me. Figured I could return the favor."

Xander scoffed, "No offense, Draco, but I really don't think you're the best person to comfort me in this situation. I just need to be alone."

"And I needed to be alone in that bathroom, but you were still there," Draco spoke quietly, carefully as if he was unsure if his words would set Xander off. He didn't want to send Draco away, not when the boy was at least trying. Still, he knew Draco wasn't someone he wanted to associate with -- crush aside, it was too dangerous. His mind flashed back to the moment in the bathroom with Draco and Harry. Draco was involved in something and Xander knew someone was going to end up dead. Xander had to put his heart aside and not get involved with such a thing. It wasn't worth it, not right now.

"I'll be fine, don't worry about me," Xander pushed him away even though he didn't want to. He knew in his heart he didn't want to be alone, but he knew the only person he wanted to see right now was his mum. "I'm sure you have plenty other things to worry about."

Draco looked taken aback by this and Xander was struck by how utterly weird this situation was. He should have known Diana wouldn't chase after him because if Xander wanted to be alone, he often meant it considering it was rare that he wished such a thing. Draco being the type to chase after him was quite the surprise as he always felt the care for each other was a one way thing. He had always assumed his care for Draco was unrequited.

"Well, right now, I'm worried about you," the admission stilled Xander as his dark brown eyes met Draco's gray ones. He knew the boy was completely serious and somehow that was more terrifying than if he were lying. When Xander didn't say anything, Draco asked, "Your mother?"

"Dead," Xander choked out, wanting to start crying again. He let tears silently slip down his cheeks as Draco took the seat opposite him, right where he had found Draco the night of the Slug Party. Funny how much had changed since then, but things hadn't really changed at all.

"I'm sorry," was all Draco offered, but he knew he meant those two words. There really wasn't much more to say as the two sat in silence. It was comfortable, Xander realized, as he wiped his cheeks.

Breakfast must have ended as the doors to the great hall opened and the rush of students heading to classes could be heard. No one really bat an eye at Xander at Draco, most likely more focused on their own conversations and getting to their classes than what anyone else was doing.

Diana approached him, not realizing that he wasn't alone as she explained, "All right, honey, I've spoken to Mcgonagall and she's said you're excused from classes as long as you need and I can bring you any homework from them you might have to work on and oh -- hello, Draco."

"Diana," Draco nodded and Xander marvelled at how civil they were being with each other. He supposed the moment called for it since it was unlikely any of them wanted to start drama at the moment.

"I thought you wanted to be alone?" the question was directed towards Xander who looked up at her with his still-watery eyes.

Xander just nodded, "I did, the git wouldn't leave."

He noticed how Draco chuckled at this. The blond stood up from where he was, probably going to his classes since the world hadn't stopped for Xander's grief. "Uh, I suppose I'll be going now. Let... let me know if you need anything, Xander."

The boy walked away without another word and as soon as he was gone, Diana pulled Xander from his sitting position and gave him a lengthy hug which he absolutely needed. He cried into her shoulder, not caring if anyone was watching albeit the students were mostly scattered now. When they pulled away, she wiped his tears with a sad smile.

"Come on, I'll walk you back to the common room before I head off to class. You sure you don't need me? I'll play hooky, I don't care," the girl offered as she kept an arm around him while they walked.

He shook his head, "No, no, I'll be fine. Thank you, though. I'm glad I have you to help me... to help me get through this."

The girl squeezed him reassuringly, "Always."

this chapter made me so sad like i knew it was coming but i literally had such a heavy heart my poor xander