The Darker Side Of The Moon
Book 4 of The Black Moon series
Chapter 32: Step Back?

Gary's POV – Sunday 13 September 2015

"Nooooooooooooo! Noooooooooooo!"

Fuck! Another nightmare!

"Leave him alone!! Nooooooo!"

I can't say Jeremy's nightmare wakes me up with a start because I wasn't sleeping. I knew this was coming and I was prepared. It was barely after midnight when Jeremy started moaning and whining in his sleep. I tried my best to soothe him, holding him in my arms, but it was obviously not enough. Maybe I should have woken him up before he started thrashing in my hold. Whatever, the result is that the nightmare is kicking in and my poor love is having a hard time getting out of it.

He eventually wakes up, drenched in sweat and breathing like he just ran a marathon. It takes me about an hour to soothe him while he keeps weeping against my chest, but he still ends up falling back asleep.

Fuck! If I had known that the boys' visit was going to yield such results, I would have cancelled it. I'm afraid it was all too soon, but Jeremy was so eager to see Liam and Noah that I thought it was a good sign of his slow healing. Jeremy assured me that he had discussed this with his therapist and that Dr. Graaf also concurred it would be beneficial to meet old friends. I should have called the doctor to double check what he exactly advised to Jeremy, but at the same time, I'm not supposed to interfere too much in the therapy, so it's a bit complicated.

Nonetheless, elated by his sudden enthusiasm, I decided to trust Jeremy and called my friends Joshua and Camden to see if they were available to come over on Saturday morning. Josh immediately accepted, of course. I knew Liam had been bugging him to visit us ever since we came back to Chicago, but we both thought it was better to wait until Jer would be ready.

Camden was a little more reluctant. For one, he had been there before me and was skeptical about Jeremy's early promptness to meet friends, fearful it might trigger bad memories. He might have jinxed it, but I think he was just right. Secondly, he also feared for Noah, which I could totally understand. After going through a long phase of irrational guilt, poor boy is finally getting better, slowly recovering by delving into their lifestyle, but Cam dreaded to see him step back if the encounter sparked off negative reminiscences.

Things started quite well and Jeremy's reunion with Liam was just as emotional as I expected. The two friends hadn't met in a year and a half, and knowing how close they'd gotten before Jer's disappearance and how they missed each other, tears were bound to join the party. I'm not sure what happened exactly when Noah arrived. Both Camden and Joshua had agreed to avoid displaying any obvious signs of their lifestyle, so they were dressed normally, with their collars concealed underneath their clothes, and Camden was actually holding hands with Noah, just like two lovers would.

I don't know what went through Jeremy's head when he saw the cute young man, but I can only imagine that he fell into some sort of spiral of raw emotions prompted by memories of their captivity, but there was probably more than this. I saw all colors drain from his face, fear spread in his eyes and as he began to vacillate, I barely had time to reach out to him before he fainted. Although he regained consciousness seconds later, it did jeopardize the encounter.

Little Noah had the beginning of an anxiety attack that Camden managed like a pro. He took him aside and I don't know what he kept whispering him, but it sounded like promises and Noah quickly calmed down. Poor Liam didn't have it easier as he witnessed two of his friends suffer from hysterical agitation, but I guess Joshua found the right words to soothe him too. In the end, everyone calmed down more or less, and the boys were able to talk for a little while. Oh, it wasn't long as Joshua, Camden and I agreed to keep it short afterwards, but it was still enough for Liam to tell Jeremy how much he had missed him and for Noah to promise him that he was getting better.

As for Jeremy, unfortunately, it was the beginning of a retreat within his own shell.

The visit, the emotions it triggered, and his short blackout drained him so badly that he napped after they left. We had a late lunch, during which I subtly tried to make him talk about what happened, but I saw how nervous it made him, so I didn't insist. Instead, I tried to cheer him up, suggesting another stroll at the Riverwalk since the weather was so nice, but he easily dodged my proposition saying he had the hell of an headache before he escaped to our room.

I couldn't let this go downhill, so I used his absence to call Dr. Graaf and let him know what happened. He confirmed having discussed this with Jeremy on Wednesday and Friday, but he was clear that an encounter shouldn't happen before Jer was completely ready and comfortable. He explained something about taking baby steps in the healing process for fear of falling back and warned me that I should expect a slight withdrawal. He advised to let go for this afternoon and to start gently pushing him again on Sunday.

So I left Jeremy alone for the rest of Saturday, but I think it only allowed him to brood over his dark thoughts and it certainly didn't help avoiding nightmares. I'm scared to see him recoil into his shell, and I don't want that. It would be such a shame after all the progress he made this week!

Last weekend, I applied the therapist's advice and pulled out a small part of my inner dominant to encourage Jeremy to move on. It wasn't easy to find a happy medium, but I believe I was tactful enough, using the right dose of firmness in my tone yet keeping my voice gentle and soft. The result is that Jer remained busy on Saturday and that I managed to take him out for a long stroll on Sunday. The Riverwalk in Naperville is such a beautiful place and seeing Jeremy smile at the squirrels gave me wings. I found the guts to grab his hand and I couldn't begin to describe the sense of relief I felt when he didn't really pull away.

Now that I think about it, as Dr. Graaf's speech on baby steps strays back inside my head, I should use the slow progression in our relationship too, and I wonder if this is not what he hinted at me over the phone. Yes, this is a good idea... Baby steps... holding hands... hugs... cuddles... feather kisses... longer kisses... deepening kisses... It'll have to be gradual.

In any case, it seems like Jeremy's appointments with his therapist have also been more beneficial this week. I wish I could participate in those because I'm truly curious about this new approach he mentioned, but I know how important it is that they remain confidential. These sessions have to become some sort of private space for Jeremy, so I strive to keep my questions to myself. It was still surprising to see him walk out of the doctor's office with a warm smile on Wednesday, but it was even better to see him get more active the following days. I'm up before him in the morning, so I do prepare breakfast, but he has been taking care of all the other meals, the laundry and I also noticed he started reading a book. All this is much better than his previous apathy and inaction.

I'm not going to let yesterday's incident ruin everything, though, and as per Dr. Graaf's advice, I will start pushing him a bit today, especially as I need to go to the office on Monday. My presence is seldom required there as all the modern technologies allow me to work from home. Besides, Bruce, my second-in-command perfectly manages all the teams on his own and I entirely trust him. He is probably one of the best recruitments I ever performed. I hired him shortly after Jeremy's abduction and in less than a few months, he was completely operational. However, as much as I can delegate a lot of my tasks to him, I can't afford to miss the monthly business review.

This means that Jeremy will be alone at home tomorrow, under the bodyguard's surveillance of course, and I hope things will go well. He might actually enjoy not having me on his back all day, but I don't want him to laze in bed the whole time either. I'm not going to give up!

So, when I wake up from a very short night of sleep this Sunday morning, I am determined to give Jeremy the little shove he needs to avoid falling back into his numbness. It's past 9am, breakfast is ready and I assume he slept long enough to rest from yesterday's drama and the nightmares. I'm glad we moved back into the master bedroom and I believe it was a good idea, both for him and for me, as this room is full of fond memories, and it's also bigger and more comfortable.

"Jeremy..." I say softly as I sit on the bed and shake him gently. "Come on, wake up."

He just groans in answer, so I insist a bit more, keeping a soft voice, but it doesn't yield much result.

"Jeremy! It's almost half past nine, get up now," I say in a firmer tone.

"Ugh... leave me alone!" he grumbles, facing away from me and rolling himself into the comforter.

"Good luck with that... I'm not letting you spend the day in bed, so get up now!"

"Oh fuck! Can't you just leave me alone?" he yells, sitting up and glaring at me. "It's not like I have anything to do, right!? So just let me sleep! Fuck!"

Now that's a huge slap in my face and for a few seconds, I'm caught off-guard by this unexpected reaction. My inner Dom is trying to burst out, telling me to throw him across my lap and pull down his pajama pants, but I quickly shove him halfway to the back of my head. His self-control is what I need, and I get it. My inner lover is pleased though. This little stunt is evidence that the old Jeremy is still there, which is quite interesting.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I beg your pardon," he repeats in a sarcastic tone. "Wasn't I clear enough? Do you need me to say it louder? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALOOOOOONE!"

I swear my inner Dom is fuming inside me, urging me to smack his backside until his buttocks turn to a deep shade of red, and in normal circumstances, I would have probably done just that, or maybe worse. I would have done that two years ago, but today, I can't. My hands are itching like they never have before, and it takes all my self-control to slowly rise to my feet, walk around the bed to stand on his side, and gently pull him up. My scowl doesn't seem to impress him much, but I couldn't care less.

Boy, I'm not going to let you win this battle...

"I. Said. You. Are. Not. Spending. The. Fucking. Day. In. Bed." I hammer firmly in a low tone as I begin to lead him toward the corridor, but he struggles and his arm escapes from my grip.

"WHAT IF I WANT TO?" he shouts, slowly backing off. "What's it to you anyway? What does it matter?"

Willing myself to calm down, I take a deep breath and slowly walk in his direction, at the same time as he is taking steps back, until his back hits the wall, allowing me to corner him.

"What does it matter?" I whisper as my hands lean on the wall, on his side of his head. "I'll tell you, Jeremy... It matters because I hate seeing you like this, brooding over your dark thoughts. I know how difficult this is for you, or at least I can try to imagine, and I can understand. But staying in bed is NOT a solution. Much less an option because it won't help you to move on. I'm not expecting you to get back to your old self in a short time, but I don't want you to step back all the same!"

"I still don't see why it matters to you..." he grumbles.

"I thought we had already sorted this bullshit. It matters to me because I love you, Jeremy... I just love you and I want you to get better... I promised I'd be here to help..." I reply softly.

"But don't you understand!? Don't you understand that it's useless?" he screams again, reviving my anger.

"It's not useless!"

"It is! I'm so broken inside... I'm broken beyond repair, Gary! You'll never manage to build me back!"

"You should a bit more faith in me, Jer, because trust me I will! The thing is that if you don't let me try, it's just making it more difficult. But here's some news for you: I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to let you down, Jer, whether you want it or not!"

"You should!" he spits bitterly. "I'm not worth anything. I'm no added value. I don't bring you anything! I'm just a burden that you can't even fuck! Actually, I should just go away and leave you alone!" he screams, lost in his trance as tears trickle down his cheeks.

He tries to escape again but I catch him and in our fight, we find ourselves lying on the bed, me pinning him into the mattress.

"Let me go!!!"

"Jeremy, please calm down..." I beg him as softly as I can.

"Nooooo! Just let me go!"

"No way!! I'm not letting you go! I never said you were a burden! And I never said I wanted to fuck you either!" I argue desperately, which seems to calm him down, but it's only to see sadness on his face.

"Of course... I'm so dirty... Why would you?" he replies dejectedly as a flood of tears spills from his eyes.

"YOU. ARE. NOT. DIRTY!!"

"Oh yeah? Then why is it that you don't want to fuck me?"

"How can you even ask after all I told you..." I sigh. "I don't want to have sex with you because I know I can't. I know you'll need time before we get there, Jer... but it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you..."

"See? You've got needs and I can't even fulfill them..." he says through his sobs.

Somehow, he has a point, but after a year and a half without him, I have learned to tame my sexual needs or deal with them on my own.

"See how useless I am..."

"Oh Baby... you're so not useless," I whisper, closing down on him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders before I roll us to our sides. "Let me just deal with my needs, you don't have to worry about that."

"But I can barely stand your cuddles... What if I never go past that... You'll get tired of me..."

"I won't get tired of you, Baby. And we'll get there... Let's just take the time..." I reassure him, cuddling him against my chest.

I tighten my hold around him, forcing him to get used to me again. I just can't let go. I can dampen my sexual urges, but I need him to show some progress in our relationship. Deep down, I know it's going to take time, but I can't wait for things to slowly move on with those deeper kisses, longer cuddles, gentle caresses.

"I told you many times, but I'll tell you again, Baby: I'll be patient..."

"I'm so unworthy of your love..." he sobs.

"Jeremy, stop thinking like this... You're not dirty... I'll love you always... I really want you to trust me on this... You. Are. Not. Dirty."

"Ugh... But you don't know everything... Do you realize that for one year and a half you waited for me, you never had anyone else, not even one-evening flings... And I was with other men!"

"Jer! It was not consensual! They forced you! They gave you drugs to make you hard! This was rape!" I reply, already facepalming myself for saying such things.

As expected, Jeremy tenses in my hold and I begin to apologize for bringing up memories of that bastard who enjoyed being fucked by him.

"I'm sorry, Baby. I'm sorry..."

"Gary..." he says sternly, pulling away from me and this time I let him.

He kneels a bit further away on the bed, wearing an awful expression of guilt on his face. Shit! I don't want him to feel like this! None of what happened was his fault!

"No, wait!!" he says as I sit up and try to reach for him. "There's something I need to confess..." he then adds with a small voice.

What the hell is he talking about?

"I... I need to let if off my chest... I should have told you before but... I couldn't... I was scared you'd reject me... And the truth is I don't know what I'd do without you..."

"Jeremy, I'll never do that..."

"Wait! Wait till you hear what I have to say..." he says, his eyes turning really dark for a second before his expression gets back to guilt. "I... I cheated on you..."

"It was not cheating!" I growl.

"It was! I'm not talking about what Andrei or Fabio did to me! I'm talking about Timmy! And Noah!!"

"You were forced, Baby..."

"NOT ALWAYS AND I STILL GOT PLEASURE!!! I GOT PLEASURE FROM THEM, GARY! I ENJOYED CUDDLING WITH THEM! I ENJOYED KISSING TIMMY!! I TOOK PLEASURE SUCKING TIMMY! I GOT PLEASURE WHEN HE SUCKED ME! I HAD AN ORGASM WHEN NOAH BLEW ME TOO AND I WASN'T ON DRUGS EITHER!!!! I CHEATED ON YOU GARY!!!" he cries out before he flops with his backside between his feet. "Please forgive me..."

Oh God that hurts!

Not what he just said, no! What hurts is the fact that he seems to believe it! What hurts is the pain on his face, his tears and the guilt that is eating him. I cannot accept this! I can't let him say such things, much less believe them. I am faster than him this time and I pull him over my lap, making him straddle my thighs and nest his face in the crook of my neck.

"That's not cheating, Baby... Timmy was like your anchor all this time. You know better than I do the hellish situation you were in. I can only imagine it, but you experienced it, so you know how difficult it was. It was only natural for you to seek comfort where you could. Timmy was able to give you the necessary support and affection to survive through this. Do you think you could have pulled through without him?" I ask softly and he shakes his head in answer. "Of course, not... I'm glad you had him around you, Baby. I owe a lot to this young man... Without him, I would have probably found you in a worse state... if alive. You shouldn't feel bad about what you felt for him. You should just be grateful..."

"I am... but still..."

"Still nothing, Jeremy. Did you love him as much as you loved me?"

"Nooooo! It wasn't really love... It was different..."

"See?"

"But I still willingly had some sort of sex with him... Please forgive me... And please forgive Timmy..."

"Jer... There's nothing to forgive. You and Timmy only sought comfort in each other because you were in a terrible situation. This was only natural and there was nothing wrong in there. Baby, you can't blame yourself for that because I don't blame you nor Timmy. Like I said, I'll be eternally grateful to him for supporting you..."

I'm really glad that Jeremy was able to take this heavy load off his chest. I wish he could let go of this stupid guilt but here again, I can only imagine how deep it's been torturing him because I'm not standing in his shoes. It's always easier to say than do, but I'll help him to understand that anyone in a similar situation would have reacted in the same way. It's just being human.

"He didn't deserve such a fate..." Jeremy sobs, snuggling against my chest.

"I know, Baby... I know..." I just whisper because a lump has formed in my throat and a sea of tears is about to swamp my cheeks.

Two weeks ago, when Jeremy told his painful tale to the police and revealed what had happened with Timmy, I promised myself to offer this young man a funeral and a proper grave like he deserved.

I held this promise.

Timmy's body was still at the morgue. This is where they transferred him after the police found his body in July. The autopsy was long over – and its results were confirmed through Jeremy's statement when he said the poor boy had died of pneumonia – but as it's often the case, investigators required the morgue to keep the body while they tried to find relatives. They searched databases of missing people but none of the Timmys they held matched this one.

Unfortunately, Jeremy wasn't able to provide much more information since he didn't know the boy's last name or where he came from exactly. From there, it wasn't difficult to convince authorities to let me take care of Timmy's funeral, and they actually gladly accepted. Morgues and funeral homes are full of unclaimed bodies and the government is more and more reluctant to pay for these poor people's inhumations or cremations. To them, it was only one less indigent to deal with. To me, it was the least I could offer to this beautiful soul who supported my love for a full year.

"Jer...?" I call out once he has calmed down.

"Hmm?"

"There's something I need to confess too..." I say.

My voice is too hoarse and Jeremy tenses in my hold, but it doesn't last long.

"It's okay if you had other partners in my absence, Gary. It's only fair and..."

"No, it's not that. I told you I didn't have anyone, and I wasn't lying," I sigh.

"What is it then?" he asks, slightly pulling away.

His expression is full of anguish, his cheeks streaked with drying tears and his eyes red-rimmed. I don't know if it's a great idea to tell him about this now, but I feel it might help him a bit. Leaning my head on my left arm, I reach for his hand and softly squeeze it between my fingers.

"What you said about Timmy two weeks ago touched me deeply," I begin to say, feeling tears prickle my eyes. "I wished I could have done anything for this boy and... I'm sorry, maybe I should have told you earlier, but you were not in the best place... so I made the decision on my own and organized the funeral he deserved..."

"Oh my God..." Jeremy croaks.

"I'm so sorry, Jer..." I reply, pulling him back against my chest. "I'm sorry if you would have preferred to attend the funeral or choose his coffin or whatever, but I didn't want to strain you further and I couldn't let a random funeral home take care of him, so I did..."

"Thank you... Thank you, Gary... Thank you so much for him..." Jeremy keeps repeating for a long moment, and while he sobs his pain out, I silently weep mine away. "Where... Where has he been buried?" he asks a few minutes later, his eyes still brimming.

"Here, in Naperville..."

"Were you... there? Did you attend?"

This is a very sad memory and I can only nod in answer. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could be there as I didn't want to leave Jeremy alone at home, but it turns out that he was napping on Monday afternoon, so I quietly escaped the house, making sure that the guard would call me in case of problems, and I arrived at the cemetery just in time. It was a very short ceremony, but my purpose was to ensure that the young Timmy would have a decent farewell to the cruel world he lived in.

"Take me there... please..." Jeremy breathes out, suddenly getting off the bed.

"Jer... It might not be a great idea..." I plead, remembering what yesterday's encounter already yielded.

"Please, Gary! I want to see him! I want to see his tomb! I need it!" he argues in a begging voice.

What if it triggers another panic attack? What if it shoves him further into his depression?

You should have thought about it earlier, Gary... Before you mentioned this to him... But what if it helps him? What if allows him to mourn and accept Timmy's death?

"Okay..." I sigh in resignation.

While Jeremy gets ready – and since I'm already dressed – I hurry back downstairs and call Dr. Graaf. I apologize for disturbing him on a Sunday, briefly tell him about what happened today as well as the revelation I made, then ask for his advice regarding Jeremy's request. Luckily enough, he believes that it might be a good way for Jeremy to start getting over Timmy and only cautions me to provide him with the best support and affection I can should he need it.

Even if I make a detour to avoid the neighborhood where Jeremy was abducted, the ride to the cemetery of Naperville is quick, yet long enough for Jeremy to get nervous and tense. As we walk through the alleys and among the tombs, I never let go of his hand, our fingers entwined, and when we near the right spot, I even pull him closer to my side, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.

Timmy's tomb is obviously the most recent one here, so Jeremy has no problem spotting it with all the beautiful flowers circling the large stone. I'm glad to see that all the details I requested have been respected, and as Jeremy collapses to his knees, all I can do is crouch behind him and rest my hands on his shoulders for comfort. His hand shakes toward the engraved epitaph and when the tip of his fingers connect with the golden inscription, my silent tears accompany his light sobs.

In loving memory of Timmy
➰   ➰   ➰
The Earth has lost a pure soul,
The Sky has gained a star.
May this beautiful Angel rest in peace,
Forever on the bright side of the moon.

"Thank you, Gary... He was truly an angel..." Jeremy breathes out after a long moment of silence.

I know, Baby. And I'm sure this angel is somehow watching over you.

Published on 10 March 2018

That's it... This is the end of the sad chapters. I'm not saying there won't be difficult moments anymore, but nothing extremely sad again. The next chapter will be a big turning point of the story and in Jeremy's healing. We will still be in Gary's head and you'll get to see an important side of his Dominant character, the one that is so quick at making the right decisions and even quicker to put them into action...

Have a nice weekend, and see you on Tuesday!