The Darker Side Of The Moon
Book 4 of The Black Moon series
Chapter 30: Is My Dominant Back?

Jeremy's POV – Saturday 5 September 2015

Ugh... Another dull day is beginning. It seems like Gary has already gotten up and I am alone in bed. I don't even have the strength to pull myself up and meet him downstairs where I believe he is cooking breakfast. I might as well stay here for the rest of the day. Or eternity, while I'm at it.

Numbness. Dullness. Apathy. Gloom.

These are the words that would describe the best what I have been feeling for the past week. None of the things I enjoyed in life before seems to attract me anymore.

I don't feel like listening to music when it used to be one of my favorite sources of relief.

Reading? I've never been a great a bookworm, but I still liked to read a good thriller occasionally. I can't do this anymore.

Sex? That's just out of the question. The mere thought of someone touching any of my private areas makes me nauseous – even if that someone is Gary – and yet, God knows how I was addicted to sex.

Even food tastes awful and my taste buds seem to have lost their skills at appreciating the quality of fine dishes.

The only thing that brings me comfort is Gary and his extraordinary patience. I can't believe he has let me laze off for so long already and yet, he hasn't shown any sign of annoyance. He keeps suggesting things for me to do but hasn't complained once each time I declined – which is always, actually. It's not that I am trying his patience or defying him. It's just that I don't feel like doing anything.

Lazing on the couch all day doesn't suit me particularly either, but at least it doesn't involve physical efforts. The only moments I get up are for lunch and dinner, or when I need the restroom. Other than that, I'm just a vegetable occupying the sofa. Even talking to my parents on the phone every other day is painful to me, but in these moments, I try my best to sound a bit less apathic than I really am.

Gary spends the better part of his days in his study, which is attached to the living room, and he leaves his door open, so I usually just enjoy hearing his voice when he is on the phone. It reassures me and makes me feel safe, even more than the guards who take turns watching the house. If at least he was suggesting things he could do with me, perhaps it would motivate me? The only thing I have – stupidly – agreed to is seeing a therapist on the condition I wouldn't have to repeat my story again.

I still shudder at the thought of those long hours I spent recounting everything that happened to me over the last year and a half. Reliving the events was painful enough, but having Gary beside me was even worse. I truly appreciated his support. Feeling his presence helped in a way, but at the same time, it stressed me to no end. I no longer have any doubt about his love for me, so I can only imagine how he felt hearing all the details of my captivity. I can actually more than imagine... I was able to feel his body tense next to mine throughout the interview. The pressure of his thumb on my hand increased whenever I related harder parts.

With that in mind, I really had a hard time speaking to the officers and answering their questions. However, I was willing to get it over with, so in this respect, I made sure to not forget any details. One reason was that I didn't want them to come back another day with more questions. My other goal was to provide as much information as possible to help in their search of Andrei and make sure that he gets the maximum sentence once he is arrested.

Those six hours were absolutely horrible but at least, I was done with it. I wouldn't have to go through this again. Not even with the therapist, I swore to myself. Gary went himself to the first appointment to explain the situation. To be honest, I don't really see the point of me going there if I am not going to talk about what I experienced. Even if I am not familiar with this sort of specialist, I know how they try to make you speak about your issues to help you and I'm not going to do this! What I feel deep down is too personal to share it with anyone else, much less a stranger.

In the end, I only agreed to it to please Gary because I owe him that much. I just hope he doesn't expect me to change my mind on that point because I won't. I did try to convince him to give up on this idea, but he still drove me there on Wednesday. And on Friday. Seriously, this is just a waste of money for Gary. I don't know how much the guy charges him for each session, but the first two I attended this week were quite unproductive.

Dr. Graaf is nice, this is not the problem, but he still tried to make me talk about what happened to me. He honestly said Gary had told him about my captivity but that he would like to hear my own version of the facts. That definitely muted me. I simply didn't utter a word during the 45-minute appointment, and trust me, forty-five minutes are extremely long when all you have to do is stare at your lap while someone else is staring at you. The next one wasn't any better as I was expecting him to ask the same questions. I went there sulking and didn't even listen to any of the words he said.

So, just like I said, it's just a waste of money. And time! Not for me because it's not like I have anything to do, but for Gary. He has always been super busy with work, and with the latest events, I think he has accumulated quite a huge backlog. He clearly has better to do than waste two hours when he drives me to Chicago. As much as I like to feel his presence in the house, I should try and talk him into returning to his office because he would certainly be more efficient than working from home where he keeps on checking on me every so often.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't pay attention to the creaking step of the staircase that I should have heard, and I barely have time to close my eyes as the door of the bedroom opens. I really don't want to get up now, so I'll try to pretend I'm sleeping. I am lying on my back in the middle of the bed, striving to stay still and to get an even breathing. The mattress dips on my left and as Gary makes me roll on my side to cuddle me, I make sure to fake being a dead weight when all my body wants is to tense. Until I hear a chuckle.

"You're such a bad actor... But it was cute all the same," Gary says.

I ignore him, rolling my eyes behind my eyelids, and even try to produce a light snore.

"I saw you close your eyes when I walked in, Baby. So, stop pretending you're sleeping..." he adds more seriously.

"You didn't buy it..." I reply with a sigh.

"Not one second!" he chuckles, gently tightening his hold around me.

I've tried to grow a bit more comfortable in his arms throughout the week, and I'm slowly getting there, I believe. This reassures me a little but I wish it would become more natural. I'm still far from enjoying these hugs, but I don't feel like rejecting him either, so I take it as a good sign.

"Off to breakfast now!" he then cheers.

"Ugh... Can I stay in bed instead?" I complain when he disentangles from me.

"Certainly not!" he exclaims.

With that, he catches me in his arms and lifts me off the bed, before he heads out of the bedroom.

"Gary!!! I can walk!!!" I protest, but it makes him laugh and he doesn't put me back down on my feet before we are in the kitchen.

I find him eerily joyful this morning...

Peeking at him while he brings everything to the table, I notice that he looks rested. He told me how he had been sleep-deprived since Noah was found and it seems like he has been able to catch up on sleep this week, despite my nightmares that never fail to wake him up. He also appears more... confident. Like he's standing taller and his stance is more self-assured. Somehow, it pleases me to see him like this, but at the same time, I'm wondering what his mind is brewing.

Breakfast occurs in a rather comfortable silence, punctuated by a few questions from Gary about my sleep or the remnants of my injuries. The latter don't make me suffer anymore. Most of the scratches have gone and the bruises are getting lighter each day. Even the rash I inflicted to my skin the day we arrived has disappeared. My body is not as stiff as it was a week ago, so one of the last physical issues I have is my exhaustion. The nightmares and agitated nights don't really help and I still feel tired.

"Can you please clear the table, Jeremy? I need to go do some things upstairs," Gary asks as he stands up from his chair and walks out of the kitchen without even waiting for my answer.

Okay... This is something new here since he usually does it himself.

I could be pissed by his request, but I'm not.

I suddenly realize how useless I have been since we came back here. It's not like I have a huge handicap, right? I could have been a bit more helpful in the house. And yet, Gary has taken charge of everything. Absolutely everything! As if he didn't have enough on his plate with his business, he has been doing all the chores! He sure has a cleaning lady who comes here for four hours twice a week, but he has done all the rest. Cooking. Making the bed. Cleaning and tidying. Grocery shopping. Laundry.

While I was doing what? Nothing at all!

No, I have just spent all my days waiting for him to do everything... Oh Gosh... I have been so unfair and useless! I should have helped the slightest bit! Or at least offered it. This only adds to my guilt and makes me feel so bad that a few tears run down my cheeks, but I quickly wipe them away and hurry to clean up our breakfast. Once done, I make my way upstairs and head straight to the guestroom we are using. I still have time to notice that his former bedroom door is open, and I wonder what he is doing there.

In the bathroom, I take off my pajamas, still trying to avoid my reflection in the mirror, and step into the shower stall. As I lather my body, I try to push my guilty feelings to the back of my head and promise myself to become more helpful in the future. I'll apologize to Gary and offer him to take care of the cooking. Not that I am excited about it, but I find motivation in the fact that Gary will be pleased with whatever initiative I may take.

Once I have dressed up in the clean boxer briefs, sweatpants and tee-shirt that Gary has left for me – like he always does – I brush my teeth and head out of the bedroom, ready to go back downstairs to lie down at my usual spot on the couch. However, just as I am about to reach the staircase, I hear some tsk-tsk coming from the other end of the corridor.

"Where do you think you're going, Jer?" Gary asks in a chuckle and I turn around to face him. "Come here."

His tone is soft, not as authoritative as it used to be in the past, but it still compels me to meet him by the entrance of his bedroom. On my way there, I notice that the door of the playroom has changed. There is now a huge sticker covering it, representing a setting of mountains with snow on top of them. Weirdly enough, it reassures me.

"I think we should move back into the master bedroom. The bed is larger and much more comfortable. Same as the bathroom. Would you be okay with that?" he asks warily.

"I think so..." I reply with a small voice after pondering on it for a few seconds.

I understood that Gary didn't want to sleep in his old bedroom while I was away because it held too many memories for him and it was hard. Now that I am back, I guess he'll feel better in here. On my side, I don't have a problem with it, and if it pleases him, then I'm all for it.

"Great!" he cheers, cupping my face and dropping a light peck on my lips.

I like those. They're just like soft feathers soothing my heart.

"Now..." he begins, leading me to another guestroom where there are several boxes piled up in a corner, except for a couple that are open. "Here's your assignment of the day!"

"My... assignment?" I reply, confused.

"Yep, something I want you to do. I want you to open these boxes and sort all your clothes out between what you want to keep and what you could throw away. Then," he continues, leading me back to his bedroom and into its huge walk-in closet, "as you can see, I've freed some space for you here. So you'll put all the clothes you want to keep in here."

"Sure... I'll do that next w..."

"You're doing this today, Jeremy," he cuts me and this time, his tone is a bit firmer.

I thought it would have made me cower and gotten me scared, but when I look up at him, his expression doesn't hold the same strictness as it used to. And thankfully, it doesn't trigger anything bad within me.

"It should keep you busy for the better part of the day," he then adds with a chuckle and a wink.

"Won't you help me?" I try to argue.

"Nope. I've got a bit of work to do in my office so that I can have a relaxing Sunday tomorrow..."

With that, he gives me another light kiss and walks away, leaving me quite dumbfounded by the closet.

And this is how I indeed spend most of the day sorting my old clothes, selecting those I really want to keep, putting the others back into boxes that we'll be able to drop at some charity. Some of them are stinking a bit, so I take them to the laundry room and launch a machine.

Before noon, while Gary is still in his study, I decide to cook us lunch, going for something as simple as an omelet with lettuce. Gary looks really pleased with my initiative and praises me on how good it is. It sends a bit of wave of warmth to my heart, I should have thought about it before. I promise myself to repeat this more often because that's not much and yet, it feels good to have found a way to thank Gary for all his generosity.

I return to my task in the afternoon and by the end of the day, I am so tired that I fall asleep on the couch while we are watching TV. The activity wasn't that hard physically speaking, but I guess it was a lot for me after one year and a half doing nothing – or at least not much. The next morning, I wake up in Gary's old bedroom, still tired but not as badly as the previous days. I know I woke up a few times from bad dreams, but they were not as strong as the previous nights. Maybe the little physical activity yesterday brought me the right sort of tiredness and allowed me to sleep a bit better?

Gary is still sleeping, and I take this opportunity to look closely at him. He hasn't changed in all these months, physically speaking. He is still the handsome man I used to know, and I love how peaceful his features are right now. His three-day stubble has always been sexy as hell, even if I often complained it scratched my skin in the past. He is wearing a tee-shirt, but I can clearly guess the muscles underneath the fabric. I know he kept working out to maintain that strong shape, probably to evacuate his stress.

Sadly, my lack of activity in that basement has made me lose most of the muscles I had built working in construction. My biceps and abs have clearly melted and I don't know if I will ever have the willpower to build them again. What concerns me the most though, is my total lack of appetite for sex. Lack of is not entirely true because I do feel weird sensations in my lower belly as I look at Gary, but the disgust I feel for myself dampens all sorts of horny thoughts I could have. In fact, it is so strong that I can't even have the beginning of an erection. Nada.

Rather than brooding over self-loathing thoughts, I get up and go downstairs to cook breakfast. I try to prepare a batter for French crepes as I remember how Gary loves them, but the result is pathetic. The mix is too liquid, so I decide to add more flour and end up with a batter full of lumps that I try to smash, without success. I still try to bake a crepe and pour a dose of mix in the frying pan. Too bad I let it heat up too much and a horrible burn smell immediately spreads in the kitchen.

Damn!!! Can't I do it right?

I try again but this time, I forget to oil the pan and the result is that the crepe sticks to it. I'm beginning to lose my courage as I clean the pan for the second time, tears pooling in my eyes.

"Morning..." Gary says warily from the entrance of the kitchen, making me jump.

I don't turn around for fear of showing him my puffy eyes and reply with a hoarse Morning! too.

"Hey... what's wrong, Baby?" he asks, suddenly by my side and pulling me into a hug.

"Sorry... I just wanted to prepare breakfast... but seems like I can't even do that..." I mumble against his chest.

"It's okay, Jer. It's the intention that counts and I'm sure you can do this. Let's see!"

Gary wipes the pan dry and hands it back to me, then instructs me with all the steps to bake a few crepes. It's not that complicated if you make sure that the pan is not too hot and that you have added a bit of fat... Which is exactly what he tells me playfully. In the end, despite the lumps, the result is good enough and we enjoy a nice breakfast, with Gary thanking me again for doing this.

The morning goes uneventfully as we mostly relax on the couch after we both showered and dressed up. Gary just asks me to take care of the laundry I did yesterday, so I spend an hour ironing and folding my clothes before I go to put them in the closet upstairs. After lunch, I consider going to laze on the couch again – and why not taking a little nap – but it seems like someone else has other plans.

"Here!" Gary says as he hands me one of my hoodies and sneakers.

I look at him, confused but still take all the items from his hands.

"Where are we going?" I ask warily.

"The Riverwalk. The weather's nice enough, so let's go out for a bit!" he replies cheerfully.

I'm not so enthusiastic. Going out actually scares me a bit.

"I was going to nap..." I argue meekly.

"Jer, if I have to dress you up and put your shoes on myself, I will do it. You can nap when we come back. Or just go to bed earlier tonight. Right now, we're going out!" he says firmly.

Oh I know that tone! Still not as authoritative as it was in the past, but there's some in it. We're not in that sort of relationship anymore and I could send him off, but in the end, I just sigh and comply, though very reluctantly.

"Baby..." he says, pulling me into a hug once I'm ready. "Nothing's going to happen outside. I'm with you and the guard will follow us from a distance. Trust me it'll do you some good to take a bit of fresh air..."

Without leaving me the time to reply, he leans down and brushes his lips against mine. This is a gentle kiss, very chaste, only lips dancing together, but it lasts longer than any other kiss we have shared since he joined me in hospital. I like its softness. It gives me warmth and I tentatively rest my hands on his chest while it lasts.

"I love you, Baby," he then says softly, pulling me into another hug.

In answer, I wrap my arms around his waist and nest my face into his chest, fighting back my tears. I wish I could tell him too, but the words remain blocked in my throat. I feel unworthy of his love, but I can't help taking it. Because I need it. On the other hand, I also feel like my own love for him is not worth anything considering I cannot provide him with the rightful services like I should.

The Naperville Riverwalk is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been in the past. This city is already considered as one of the best places to live in the United States due to its wealthy and safe popularity. It is Sunday, but the Riverwalk is not as crowded as I would have thought. The walk lingers along nearly two miles of paths along the west branch of the DuPage River, featuring artwork, bridges, fountains, memorials and recreational facilities.

Gary and I stroll side by side in silence for a long moment. Even though the guard does his job well and I can't even see him watching over us, I realize that I feel safe here. I quickly relax and begin to enjoy myself, admiring the beautiful landscape. We take the time to look at the Millennium carillon in the Moser Tower. We also stop for a moment in front of the Exchange Club Memories Fountain in the Fredenhaggen Park. There are plenty of flowers all along the paths and I surprise myself thinking I almost feel good right now.

We are on the brick path, just about to cross one of the numerous wooden bridges when I notice a bunch of little and adorable squirrels eating nuts. Damn! They are so cute that I stop dead in my tracks to look at them. I suddenly feel a warm hand softly grabbing my left one, which makes me startle a bit and try to pull away, but Gary slightly tightens his hold.

We stare at each other for the longest time and his pleading look almost breaks me. The weirdest thing is that it also holds a lot of determination and self-confidence. This is quite confusing for me because it feels like Gary is gaining some of his dominance back and at the same time, his hesitance is truly touching.

There are no words exchanged at that moment. I just end up giving him a small smile, to which he replies with a happy grin, and he tugs me away to cross the bridge and continue our stroll. We finish our walk hand in hand and I surprise myself once again enjoying this.

Please God help me to get used to this again. I really need the attention and warmth I'm getting from Gary and I sincerely could pay him back with returning to a normal relationship. I am fully aware that we are still a long way from there, but since he is willing to allow me the time I need, I guess I could do this.

You're dirty... You're disgusting... You've been soiled by evil men... You cheated on him with Timmy...

Sadly, the nasty thoughts are still here, dampening my hopefulness. I know things won't be so easy. It's going to be a long and painful battle, but I will fight the best I can.

Published on 3 March 2018

Hopefully you enjoyed this little moment of peaceful relief! In the next chapter, we will still be in Jeremy's head, you're going to meet Dr. Graaf and more importantly, it'll be time for the reunion some of you have been waiting for.

But I'm not going to say more and leave you to enjoy a nice weekend on a positive note!