The Darker Side Of The Moon
Book 4 of The Black Moon series
Chapter 17: Fade To Black

Sunday 21 June 2015

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye*

This song by Metallica has always been one of my favorite. It is definitely not one of their loudest, but it is the most melodious to my ears. The strings of the guitar echo in a beautiful way, but James Hetfield's voice holds so much pain that it has never missed to send shivers throughout my body whenever I heard it. The song has been rehearsing in my head over the last few days and I just can't get rid of it. It is there, deeply anchored in my mind, accompanying me every minute I am awake and even in my sleep.

Fate?

Maybe! I never thought that these lyrics would ever match my life so closely; as if I had written these words myself.

However, this is exactly what I feel. The emptiness filling me has become unbearable. I am not even a shadow of who I used to be; much less than that. I used to be a young man full of life, far from perfection, but cheerful and cheeky, always one to try and make people happy. I like to think I was funny; enough to comfort people and lead them away from their worries. Now I have lost my sense of humor. I can't even entertain myself. There is nothing that can make me smile anymore.

This Jeremy is dead, buried six feet deep underground and watching over Timmy's remains. Sometimes, I even wonder if that Jeremy ever existed. Memories of my past are getting scarce, as if my brain had found a way to hide them in a space I can't access. They are all slowly fading away, remaining only blurry pictures of a yesterday I will never get back to. A yesterday that was filled with sadder and more negative events, but with also a lot of good and joyful things; love, happiness, friends.

Once in a while, one of them will pop in my head, giving me a short surge of life.

Gary's love and affection.

I am missing him terribly and I sometimes wonder what he has become after more than a year. I bet he is still in the lifestyle, guiding a new Submissive. It might sound hypocritical of me, but I like to think he found someone else to love, that he is happy. That this person is making him happy. At the same time, it hurts me deeply, because he was my man! He was my Master! Mine to submit to and to love. But I wasn't that lucky.

Then Liam and all our group of friends.

All in all, I only knew him for barely five months, but as his tutor, I got really attached to him. He had become such a good friend! I also wonder how he is doing. Is he still with Master Joshua? Has he gotten over his shyness and grown more confident? I know he was expecting a lot from his affair with Master Joshua, but I also know that the Dominant has always been one to stick to the D/S nature of his relationships. However, there was more with Liam, I believe, and I sincerely hope that they have become more than that by now.

Master Aaron.

He is another person I often think of. He was the one who brought me into this lifestyle. The one who got me to meet that bastard of Andrei in a way, but I don't see things like this. That's just fate. Me or another Sub, it doesn't matter; the result is the same. I will never stop being grateful to Master Aaron for all he did for me. He never failed me. He was always there to teach me a lesson whenever I fucked up. He introduced me to a lifestyle that probably saved my life at the time, and to two men who managed to put me on the right track. It's just too bad that one member of his club was a sick bastard. But it won't prevent me from worshipping Master Aaron for all his goodness.

All of these people have become cloudy in my head though, and I can barely hang on to them to pull me through this hell anymore. I used to assuage my sorrow with their souvenir, like old pictures you look at with nostalgia, but I had Timmy's support back then.

Timmy is gone too. I no longer have my companion's support to help me. No one to share my distress with. No one to cuddle at night. The bed is desperately empty and cold when I am going to sleep. No one to soothe my anxiety away with words of encouragement. No one to take care of me.

I had gotten so used to share everything with him! Like he had gotten used to me as well. It actually went both ways and I miss having someone to tend to. Twenty-four hours a day, we used to do everything together. This bed looks so large to me, like I could lose myself in it. The shower stall feels like I could drown myself without having his hands to wash me. Training sessions have become dreadful because Fabio only has me to play his wicked games with. Andrei's visits were already painful enough as they were, but they are even worse now because Timmy is not there anymore to perform the aftercare.

Instead, someone else is taking care of that part, inserting ice cubes in my swollen pucker hole and smearing the anti-inflammatory cream. A stranger. Someone I don't know. Someone I haven't seen. Someone that Andrei has been bringing during his monthly fun over the past two months. To be completely honest, it doesn't change much. Andrei is still the first to enjoy himself. He is the one ripping my hole open, preparing it with his fat member for the other guy. The fact that someone else uses me only adds to the disgust I feel when he fills me up with his seed, but that guy's thickness is not anywhere close to Andrei's so I barely feel him. Besides, even if he remains utterly silent, I can sense his over-excitement and he never lasts for more than a few minutes.

I guess he must be a colleague or a friend of his, maybe a closeted gay who is married with children; someone who wants to enjoy a man's asshole just for the fun of it. Whoever he is, I don't really care. Not even if that's another member of the club. All that matters is that things have gotten worse and I just can't deal with that anymore. Like James says in his song, I cannot stand this hell I feel and I need the end to set me free.

I know deep down I will never get out of this hell. Fabio is always around and there is no way to escape; not mentioning the two gorillas. Last summer, they took us outside a few times, to enjoy the garden and the sun, they said. Enjoy... As if there was any fun being tied to a leash and walked on the grass! At least I got to see our surroundings and it still felt nice to feel the sun on my skin. But I also realized that there is no way out. The mansion is located in the middle of a forest and surrounded by very high walls. Even if I managed to escape from the basement and my captors' watch, I doubt I would be able to jump over these walls.

And sadly, no one is ever going to save me from here. I assume they have all forgotten about me by now. They must have moved on with their own lives. If they had launched an investigation on my disappearance, I am sure they would have found me already. It's not like they didn't have any clues. Of course, there was my letter and I believe it sounded real enough, which is probably why they never looked for me. However, there were signs. Gary should have felt it was fake! Even if I never told him, he knew how much affection I had for him. I mean... our past should have been enough for him to understand!

I can't believe Andrei hasn't left any evidence behind him either. He just can't be perfect in his evilness! If there was one suspect, he would be the one! After all, he was the one hitting on me at the club... though, now I think about it, he remained discreet after I declined his offer, so maybe no one noticed. But still! I don't have that many acquaintances outside of the club! My family is in another state; all my friends are Submissives from the Black Diamond; the only persons I know and who are not in the lifestyle are my boss and my colleagues... Damn! Poor Peter! I hope he didn't get bothered with an investigation!

Anyway! The result is still the same and I don't see any way out of here. The thing is that I won't be able to endure this hell for much longer. My mental strength has limits and my situation has already gone way over them. The last three months have been the worst of my entire life. Timmy's death was like a deep stab in my belly. I would have preferred a stab in my heart. At least I would have been dead on the spot. The belly is much worse. It created an internal bleeding, slowly emptying me of my life and leading me to a certain death.

Because this is exactly what it is.

An internal bleeding.

The last three months have been leading me to an inevitable state of mental death.

These little fingers in my head went back to work after Timmy died. They had stopped their progress before because I wanted Timmy in. I had his support to bear with the horror. But then he died, so I convinced these little workers to resume their construction, but they have been doing so at a slow pace. They achieved to build the walls around my soul, though, and I must admit they did a great job! This fortress has allowed me to endure each of the past ninety days or so in some sort of oblivion, as if only my body was here. Sadly, these walls have a few defects, and I haven't been completely oblivious to what happened around me.

The first month and a half was kind of bearable. For one, Andrei skipped my turn right after Timmy's death. Then I somehow got a month off the hook with Fabio. I didn't see him at all for an entire week. I knew his brother had punished him because I heard the screams despite the earplugs, and I could only guess how bad it was. Besides, Andrei told me. I didn't feel the least compassion for that fucker of Fabio, and it even soothed a tiny bit of my sadness.

The best was the next five or six weeks, when Fabio resumed my training, but things were much different during that time.

He only trained me to positions and that was it. No rimming. No using my cock to satisfy his needs. No blowjobs. He would barely touch me actually. But I quickly understood why! I saw the huge bulge at the front of his pants! It was much bigger than if he had an erection and I could only guess his brother had cock caged him. He was simply not allowed to get any pleasure from me, and in a way, training me became a torture for him. Many times, I saw him wince at the sight of my naked body and I assume his throbbing erections must have been painful restrained in the cage.

Nevertheless, it didn't make me feel better and after these few weeks off, things went back to normal, if not worse. The first time he was allowed to play with me again I got the full monty, and it lasted for hours. That's also when I saw all the faded marks all over his body. More than one month later! There weren't many left, but I could easily imagine how hard Andrei went on him with the whip. I didn't shed a tear for him all the same. He truly deserved it in any case.

He actually deserved even worse.

As much as things went rather smooth while Fabio was punished, the next couple months were much more difficult for the reasons I stated before. Things went back to normal in terms of training. Timmy was not here. Andrei's evilness grew worse. On top of that, I have been feeling some kind of excitement on their side, something I haven't been able to pinpoint. There has been an unfamiliar agitation, as if they have been sharing a secret I am not aware of. Whatever it is, I don't really care. All I want right now is to be out this place.

Preferably as a free man.

Dead in the worst case.

* * *

Today is supposed to be Andrei's next visit and this probably explains my gloomy state of mind. I know what I should expect and I hate it so much. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to feel his junk in my backside, neither that other guy's. And yet, I don't see how I could get out of it. Unless...

Unless I take the easy option. I am sure I could find something in the basement to help me with this. Unfortunately, there are no guns, no blades, no drugs, but I could still find something. Maybe I could swallow the detergent in the toilets? Or use the hook and the rope? Or find something sharp enough to open my veins? There are always possibilities!

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't realize time was passing by and I suddenly hear heavy footsteps in the staircase. Fuck! This is too late now! I start shivering at the determined pace he is walking in the corridor because it conveys some sort of fury. I still find the strength to kneel on the bed, like I am supposed to welcome him. With my head lowered, I can't see his expression, but I do feel the tension emanating from him. The only positive point is that only one pair of legs stops in front of me, so I guess his friend won't be joining today.

Not that I was ever given the opportunity to see said friend. He usually lets him wait in the corridor while he blindfolds me. I still wonder why. What if I saw what the guy looks like? It's not like I could go anywhere and complain to the police, right? So why does he want to keep his friend's identity a secret? Is he that ugly? Or is it someone I may know? But who? Someone else from the club? Ugh... I'd rather not think about that. If Master Aaron knew what some of his members are into, it would probably kill him!

"Good afternoon, Kitten," he says sternly, irritation clear in his voice.

I don't know what's wrong with him today, but he sounds pissed and it doesn't bode anything good.

"Good afternoon, Master," I reply in with a small voice.

His fingers reach for my chin, lifting it up, but instead of tilting my head back enough to meet his eyes, he stops at his chest level. His other hand is holding a picture and at first, I am afraid this is going to be one of my close friends and that he is about to threaten me with hurting them. This is actually the picture of a young man – or boy I should say. Someone I have never seen before. The boy is standing in front of a school, I believe. He has the cutest features I have ever seen. I can't really see his eyes, but they look green, or maybe blue. His dark hair looks so soft that it must be pleasant to run fingers through it.

He looks young but somehow, he reminds me a bit of me. We don't look alike, but there's that mischievous expression and his stance... He is just so cute! However, I have no idea about who he is, and I wonder why Andrei is showing me this picture.

Oh my God! No! I hope this is not what I think it is!!

"This is your new companion, Kitten. How do you like him?" Andrei asks.

Oh God, please no!! Not another poor victim of this man's craziness!

"I don't need another companion, Master," I reply.

He tilts my head further and the anger I see in his eyes freezes me. I'm scared of angry Andrei. This hasn't really happened ever since the first time he had to punish me, and even over the last three months, he has been quite patient despite my lack of enthusiasm. That doesn't make me like him, but I still appreciate that he never took it hard on me whenever he visited for a blowjob or just to see me. So, seeing the anger in his eyes right now scares me a lot.

"You're not deciding, Kitten! I am! Now please answer my question!"

"He is... rather cute, Master..." I stutter.

Maybe if I don't look overjoyed, he will change his mind and leave that kid alone!

"Rather cute? He is perfect, Kitten! He is beautiful and in a few weeks, he will be mine!" he exclaims.

Poor boy! I don't know who he is but I hope he will stay safe in his family.

"I believe his presence will do you some good. I think you have been missing Timmy too much and you need someone to look after in order to regain some of your past liveliness."

What? No!!! Is he doing this just for me? I can't accept that! I don't want to be responsible for the atrocious fate of another person! I wouldn't be able to live with such guilt on my mind! If that's what he thinks, then I must show him I can be a good slave that will be enough for him.

"I apologize for my recent behavior, Master... It's true I have been missing Timmy, but I already feel better... I should be enough for you... I don't need a new companion..." I try to say with enough confidence.

"Are you telling me you don't want another companion and you won't take care of him?" he growls, making me cower a little.

"No, Master... but..."

"I'll tell you, Kitten! You will take care of my new Pet! You will help him exactly like Timmy was here for you! This boy is already mine and I have waited for long enough to possess him! Ever since I first saw him in Detroit! Almost two years waiting to grab a hold on this boy, so trust me he will be mine and you'd better be good with him! Now go to the bench!"

Needless to say, the next two hours are just hellish. His friend might not be here, but Andrei counts for two today. For some reason, he was already pissed when he arrived, and it seems my reaction to the news he brought only worsened his mood. His monthly pleasure goes exactly as usual, but he adds a bit more of roughness and there is definitely some tension and fury in his thrusts. I don't know what happened to him before he arrived here, but it clearly didn't help his mood.

After what seems like an eternity to me, Andrei carries me back to my bed. I wouldn't have been able to walk anyway. That says how long it lasted and how rough he was. He then spends an hour taking care of my body and I just feel more and more nauseous at the touch of his hands all over me. Once done, he cuddles me in bed for the longest time, telling me about this poor boy who will soon be taken away from his family, from his friends, from his life.

"I'm sure you will love him as much as you loved Timmy, Kitten. He will be good for you, and you will be good for him," he concludes as he gets up from the bed before he dresses up, kisses my head and leaves.

I just feel more sadness filling me. Another innocent soul is about to be deprived of his happiness and youth, and I can't help feeling guilty about it.

So yeah, these walls that my little brain fingers built around my soul definitely have flaws because I should have remained oblivious to what Andrei told me. I shouldn't have cared and yet I do. That little piece of news managed to seep through my mind to spread more misery inside my head. Why the hell does he think I need a companion? I don't want one! I want this boy to be left alone and live a normal life!

But... if he does this mostly for me... then maybe... if I disappear he will give up on his plans? After all, there wouldn't be any point getting me a companion if I'm no longer here.

Do you really think that, Jer? Do you think this is going to save the boy?

I want to believe so!

He said the boy was his! That he had been wanting him for two years!

Ugh!! That thought makes me sick to my stomach! He already looked so young on that picture!

Whatever Andrei decides, I am just too tired all of this shit! Even if he doesn't do this for me, I don't want to be a witness of this new victim. I don't think I can deal with more horror than I have already seen, and it's been a lot! The truth is I am not capable to give anymore. Timmy's death has worn out the slightest will to live I had, and now that he has gone, I realize I wish I was with him. I wouldn't have to bear with this hell anymore.

It's not like anyone is really going to miss me here or anywhere else. The people I love the most must have forgotten about me since then. Evidence lays in the fact that they haven't looked for me, otherwise they would have eventually found me after all this time! And it's not like there is a chance I might ever see Gary again. Even if I did, he would never forgive me for the letter I sent to him and the pain I inflicted on him. And how would I feel if I saw him with someone else? That would finish me off! So where's the point?

This is what I'm going to do.

Join Timmy in death.

With tears in my eyes, I try to pull myself up, but I am feeling so weak that I just let myself collapse on the floor, wincing at the awful pain in my lower back, then crawl at the pace of a snail to the torture room. I should be able to find something there that will help me. Once there, I rack my brains to think of an instrument with sharp edges, but I can't find any. All that this room holds are floggers, whips, paddles, canes, restraints, gags...

Restraints... Some of them have buckles and I could use the sharp tongue!

I manage to hoist myself up to grab a pair of leather bracelets on the rack and crawl to the shower area where I painfully sit on the floor, holding the buckle. It won't be easy but I'll manage.

O' the irony!!

This kind of accessory used to give me so much pleasure when Gary restrained me, but things completely changed when Andrei started using them on me. And now, they are going to release me from my suffering.

We will find you sooner or later! Jeremy, don't do that! Master Aaron's voice suddenly echoes in my head.

Huh why wouldn't I? It's not like you care anymore! And you'll never find me!

I apply the point of the tongue to the inside of my wrist.

Pet! Please make me proud of you! I know you can handle a little more! You're stronger than that! Fight!

Gary's deep voice encourages me. But there is nothing he can be proud of about me. A first drop of blood.

I love you, Pet. Please hang on a little more for me...

I can't! I just can't! Much more blood now. I close my eyes and let myself slowly drift away.

Jer... Please... You have always been such a good friend! Think about that boy... He's going to need you... You must take care of him...

Liam's sweet voice echoes a bit later, but it's too late. Too much blood.

Fuck! Liam is right! Of course, Andrei will do as he wants. Even if I'm dead, he'll have this boy abducted and poor guy will have to face this all alone! With no one to support him! No one to encourage and comfort him like Timmy did with me! I am such an egoist!

I wouldn't have survived for so long without Timmy's presence by my side. I wouldn't have had the strength to endure this hell, and when he gets there, this young man will need me! It's too bad because I just can't stop the blood from flooding now. I have gotten too weak to even move. Death is too close to welcome me.

I just let my life fade to black.

Published on 26 January 2018

* The lyrics at the beginning are from Fade To Black, by Metallica.

This was a very dark chapter emotionally speaking, but it was important to understand Jeremy's state of mind three months after Timmy's death and just before Noah arrives. To understand Andrei's bad mood, this happens just after Camden and Noah had their first public scene at the Black Diamond.

The next chapter will be the last flashback and a rather happy one since it's Jeremy's collaring at the club, but you also know that it means we've reached the beginning of what was the present, so it obviously holds a certain sadness too when you read it knowing what was coming next a few days later. I'll try to post it ASAP to make up for this sad one ;)

Chronology: new dates are in bold

2009:

August 2009: Jeremy meets Aaron in a small club called the The Little Room (club that Aaron bought that same summer) (TDS Ch4)

Friday 20 November 2009: Jeremy is supposed to have is his first official night at the club, but fights with Devin (TDS Ch6)

Saturday 21 November 2009: First official night for Jer, and he also meets Gary for the first time (TDS Ch6)

2010:

Wednesday 1 September 2010: Jeremy fools around with Ed in the showers, and offered to attend a Dominant training (TDS Ch8)

Saturday 4 September 2010: Mark's last training session, and Gary offers a first contract to Jer (TDS Ch8)

Friday 24 September 2010: Jeremy has interview with Peter Finnigan, his future boss, and his parents announce their move to Minneapolis (TDS Ch10)

Saturday 25 September 2010: Night at the club, he speaks with Chris who is going to have a "punishment" threesome with Master Donovan and Harry. (TDS Ch10)

2011:

Thursday 25 August 2011: Gary announces his move to Asia to Jeremy (TDS Ch12)

Friday 16 September 2011: Gary moved to Asia (TDS Ch12)

Saturday 15 October 2011: Jeremy messes up, he's punished by Aaron, who advises him a contract with Master Siegfried (TDS Ch12)

Sometime October 2011: Jeremy played a scene with Camden

2012:

Wednesday 3 October 2012: Jeremy is turning 22, and receives a birthday card from Gary (TDS Ch14)

Friday 5 October 2012: The gangbang at the club (TDS Ch14)

2013:

Tuesday 8 October 2013: Noah's first abduction in Detroit and his escape during the car crash (TM Ch25)

Sunday 27 October 2013: Liam joins the lifestyle and meets Jeremy for the first time (IWG Ch29)

Saturday 2 November 2013: Andrei becomes a member of the club (IWG Ch32)

Saturday 23 November 2013: Andrei invites Jeremy for a drink the evening that Josh loses it after two Doms tried to get into Liam's pants (IWG Ch37)

Saturday 30 November 2013: Jeremy declines Andrei's offer, and this is Gary's return (TDS Ch16, IWG Ch39)

Friday 6 December 2013: Gary and Jeremy sign their new contract after Gary's return from Asia (IWG Ch39)

2014:

Friday 21 March 2014: Gary collars Jeremy at the club (IWG Ch44)

Saturday 22 March 2014: Liam and Jeremy discover the marks on Chris' back further to a strong whipping the evening before (IWG Ch44)

Tuesday 25 March 2014: Gary and Jeremy have a little argument about the upcoming weekend (TDS Ch1)

Wednesday 26 March 2014: Jeremy's abduction (IWG Ch45/46 – TDS Ch1) and writing of the letter (TDS Ch3)

Thursday 27 March 2014: Introduction to Fabio and guards (TDS Ch5)

Friday 3 April 2014: Example of training and first time Fabio "entirely" abuses Jeremy; then, Jeremy's attempt to escape during the night (TDS Ch7)

Saturday 4 April 2014: Jeremy is punished by Andrei in the early evening, then Timmy arrives and takes care of him (TDS Ch9)

Sunday 5 April 2014: Jeremy really meets Timmy, and attends Timmy's "monthly intercourse" (TDS Ch9)

Saturday 19 April 2014: Andrei returns to the club after his one-month ban, and gets whipped in public (IWG Ch51)

Sunday 20 April 2014: Jeremy's "first time" with Andrei (TDS Ch11)

Thursday 7 August 2014: Shannon and Mark sign their contract (meaning he never met Gary or Jeremy, same for Alex since he joins in October 2014, or Noah since he became Cam's Sub in 2015)

Sunday 9 November 2014: Alex signs a contract with Mark and Shan

2015:

Friday 20 March 2015: Timmy has been sick for ten days, and he dies on the following day (TDS Ch13)

Thursday 31 March 2015: Noah becomes Camden's Sub (TM Ch38)

Sunday 5 April 2015: Chris signed a contract with Andrei (mentioned in TM Ch47)

Friday 17 April 2015: Noah becomes a certified member of the club (TM Ch46) and this is the evening that Chris makes a pact with the Devil. This is also the first time Chris gets to abuse Jeremy (TDS Ch15)

Saturday 18 April 2015: Noah is officially "introduced" to Andrei for the first time on the parking lot of the club (TM Ch47)

Saturday 20 June 2015: Noah's first public scene at the Black Diamond (TM Ch60)

Sunday 21 June 2015: Andrei's visit (without Chris) and Jeremy's suicide attempt (TDS Ch17)

Monday 6 July 2015: Noah's abduction (TM Ch62)

Saturday 11 July 2015: Noah is introduced to Jeremy for the first time before Andrei's first visit (TM Ch66)

Sunday 19 July 2015: Noah is rescued (TM Ch72-74)

Tuesday 25 August 2015: The infamous cliffhanger with Joshua's call (TM Ch84)