"I can do it."

"I'm tired. I'm so tired of this life."

"So alone."

"Nobody cares. So why should I?"

I mumble to myself as I count the number of pills in my hand. Ugh. Not pills. Sleeping pills. I count them: 'one, two, three,.... and twenty five'. Tears are pouring out from my eyes. Where am I you say? No. Not the bath tub. This is not a repeat of Hannah Baker from Thirteen Reasons Why. To be honest, I liked that idea too. But meh. It's too dramatic. Even for me. Me? I'm sitting on the floor, near our school's garbage can. Because I accepted the truth about me. I'm trash. Useless. Worthless. Don't believe me? Ask my so-called classmates. My friends.

Let me start from the beginning.

My name is Rachel. Rachel Collins. I'm a Junior Year student at St. Margaret High School. It's like your typical high school. Jocks, cheerleaders, nerds and the like. Me? I'm a nobody. That's what I believe. I have nothing. I'm not rich, I don't have good looks, and no friends. Well, actually I had one. Her name's Marianne. Or Mary, for short. I thought she was my friend. Actually I considered her to be my best friend, considering that I had no other friend. Or so I thought. I was so wrong. She turned out to be a greater bitch than the queen bee herself. She betrayed me. Humiliated me in front of my school. In front of my crush. Pathetic, I know right? I think so too.

Jake Williams. I had a crush on him since middle school. He was my everything. He was hot, popular and talented. What more do you want? Ocean blue eyes. Messy, dirty blonde hair. Dimples. And a beautiful smile that had the potential to light up the world. He made me so high, so very high. I honestly thought I was in love. He had so much power over me. Even if he got the tiniest of scratches, it'd make me cry. Whenever our eyes used to meet, it'd feel like I was walking through the world, blind. I could only see him. He was straight though. And moi? I'm bi. I didn't think he would care. Guess what? Wrong again.

I came out of the closet, willingly. Not. Mary did it for me. By announcing it in front of the whole school. I still shudder when I think about the incident.

Flashback:

I was sitting alone. Mary was late again, as usual. Suddenly a voice from the speaker says, "Good morning to all listening to this announcement. This is a special moment for a girl. She confessed to me yesterday that she is bisexual. Gross right? Jake Williams, this girl LOVES you. She said that she wants to do the dirty with you. I just had to warn you. Please, stay away from this girl. I wonder what kinds of diseases she carries. Oh wait - the girl's name is Rachel Collins. I'd advise everyone to keep a distance from this girl. Over."

Cue the stares and whispers. And some laughs and snorts too.

"Eww."

"Does she know how ugly she is?"

"Did she seriously think she'd have a chance with Jake?"

"Ugh. She gets it on with girls too."

"Gross."

I get up and leave, my eyes blurry with tears.

Flashback over.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since then. I am the target of all the bullies in our school, as well as the cheerleaders. People laugh and point at me, thinking that I'm a freak. The jocks kick and throw me around like a rag doll. Jake looks at me with so much disgust that I seriously wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. Is being bisexual so wrong? Is it an offense?

I wanted to die.

Like literally.

Because there was no one with whom I could share my feelings. No place I could go to where I wasn't judged for my sexuality. I couldn't trust anyone after I knew Mary's true colors. I was alone. And I would be because no one liked me for me. And I couldn't fake myself like the other girls here. It made me different from them. So technically maybe I'm a freak. Maybe I'm a little confused about my life. Because now, I didn't even want to live anymore. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up into this cruel world. Ever.

I remember how embarrassed I was after talking with Jake for the first time, after the incident.

Flashback:

I'm wearing a hoodie. It helps me stay invisible. And no one gets to see the red marks on my wrists either. A win-win situation. I spot Jake and his group of fan-girls and other jocks standing near his locker. I decide to confront him and confess about my feelings. I have never felt so scared in my life. But I must do this if I want to live my life as me again.

I start walking towards them. One of the jocks spots me and yells "Hey! Freak alert!".

All of them turn and stare at me. I feel self-conscious but I confidently continue walking towards Jake. The cheerleaders start whispering. I can only hear some words. 'Bitch', 'freak', 'stupid' and 'ugly' feature prominently in their taunts. My hands grow cold. But I can't lose this chance. I have to, I need to speak with him. His eyes meet mine. Disbelief and confusion flash through them. Finally I stand in front of him. His friends laugh and walk away whilst banging their shoulder against mine.

"Hey", I say.

He just looks on. After a while, he says, "What do you want?"

"You", I think.

"Uh, do you like me?" I say instead.

"You know what? You're crazy to think that I'd ever like you. You're okay, but c'mon! You're not even pretty. And you're bisexual. Ugh. You're not even like a normal girl."

"What's wrong with being bisexual? I'm attracted to boys too! And it's not like I have some sort of disease."

"Are you sure? Are you even a virgin? Wait— of course you are. Huh. Who'd even be remotely interested in you?"

I could feel the first of many tears begin to fall from my eyes.

Sniffling I add, "I thought you were different. I thought— believed that you would understand me. Or even try to. But no. I'm so naive. I'm so stupid. Ugh."

Jake scoffs. "Whatever. Just go away. You're embarrassing me. For god's sake just stop crying like a baby. You're pathetic, you know that right? Grow up. Learn to face some rejection. You have many more on the way, this was just your first. Jeez."

Wiping my tears, I say, "Goodbye, Jake. I hope you never have to feel like the way I do. All the best for your future."

A confused look makes an appearance on his face. "Wait wha— hey stop! What did you mean by that? Answer me! Rhonda or whatever your name is, just stop...."

I walk away from there. From him. Forever.

I have made my final decision.

Flashback over.

Mustering strength, I swallow the pills. It makes me dizzy. I convulse.

Darkness is settling in. I like it. A lot.

My head is hurting.

My body is becoming numb.

I fall onto the floor, beside the garbage can.

I close my eyes.

Peace. Finally.

I whisper, "Goodbye, world."

Blackness surrounds me as I embrace my state.

Two weeks later.

I open my eyes.

"Am I in heaven?" I think out loud. My voice. It sounds weird. More like a frog's croak.

Wait. I can hear something. It's faint, but... It sounds like beeping. Am I— am I in a hospital!? Who the hell brought me here? Who even cared enough to bring me here? To save my life?

Suddenly the door opens. A pleasant lady, doctor comes in with a smile. "Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Waters. How are you feeling now?"

"Umm, I don't know. Better, I guess?" I am really surprised.

"That's normal. You're lucky."

"What do you mean?"

"You were comatose for a couple of weeks. It is a miracle that you're alive and well. We really thought, at a point, that we were going to lose you. I'm glad you're okay. Amanda brought you in at just the nick of time."

"Amanda....?"

"Amanda Denvers, your classmate, of course! She's a lovely girl. You can say she saved your life. What happened? What made you consume so many sleeping pills?" she asks carefully.

I need to talk with this Amanda person as soon as possible. "Uh, I don't feel like talking about that. Is it okay if I tell you the reason later? Please."

"Okay, dear. As long as you tell me. Press that bell if you need anything. I'll be going now. Oh and yes, Amanda will be joining you in a while. Hope that's okay. She was really anxious."

"Sure, that's fine. I'd love to finally meet her."

After an hour.

I am well rested and waiting for Amanda. Slowly the door opens and a pretty -- rather beautiful girl peeks in.

"Hey, Rachel. How are you doing?"

"I'm good. Please, come in."

She's wearing a sundress. It's floral. It suits her, suits her eyes. They're green, shining like an emerald. Beautiful again. I like her, I decide.

She sits down gracefully beside me, on the hospital bed. "You must be wondering why I brought you here, right? Why I saved your life?"

"Yes."

"Let me tell you my story. I study at St. Margaret too."

"Yeah, I guessed that already. You—", but she cuts in.

"I'm a bisexual too. But nobody knows that in school. I was afraid. I am afraid. But that's not the point. Well, I had a lot of relationships. First, a boy. I really liked him. But, he was a boy after all. I didn't like him talking, spending time with other girls. I was jealous. My jealousy created a distance between us, and it really broke my heart. The second time, it was a girl. I don't know how, but we broke up again. She said I had problems. She couldn't be with me. Because I was afraid of myself. Of being bi. She said that she needed someone who could accept the fact that she was not straight. Well, you get the story. I had tried different relationships all my life. You can say that I'm bad at love. After I saw you getting humiliated by Mary, it changed something in me. I could feel you. Feel the way you were hurt. Then I just had to step in. I found out lying, unconscious, near the bin. I knew that I had to save you. I had to do something for you to save myself. So here we are."

I was speechless. She cared. Because she felt the same.

"Did you think, at any point that.. I might die?"

"Yes. And I have never been so alone in my life. I was so very scared. I wanted you to live. To see the world again. It's not all bad, you see?"

After her heartfelt words, she paused. Then, after taking a long breath, she continues "I want to live. I want to love someone who would equally love me unconditionally. Someone who would understand me and my flaws and make them work. I want to try again. With you. I don't care what the world thinks. What our friends think. I just do. Will you? Try again, with me beside you?"

She lays out her hand in front of me.

"Should I? Will I be able to trust her?" I think. I'm so confused.

"So? What are you thinking?" she asks with curiosity laced in her voice.

"Just, gimme a minute. This is all very sudden. And nobody ever said it was to be a easy decision right?" I sneer. I immediately regret my outburst when I see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Forgive me", I quickly whisper, ashamed of myself.

Suddenly, my eyes fall on her hand which she's laid out. Her wrist is covered with red marks. Like mine. It is not hidden by either bandages or a long sleeve. It's out for the world to see. And she's right. My sexuality is mine and mine alone. No one has or will have any say in that. I will love whoever I want, irrespective of any sexual boundaries.

I make my decision. One which I know will make me happy in the near future. And it'll make me strong and confident, unafraid to face the difficult chapters of life.

I smile. A genuine smile. I put my hand in hers.

"Okay. Let's try again."

*****

A/N: Just a quick fact. I'm straight. But there are others out there who ain't. Yes, I'm talking about the LGBTQ community. Don't trash talk about them. They're humans and have the right to love whoever the hell they want. Don't question me about my sexuality. I wanted to write something about the pain that the community faces on a daily basis, and I did. That's all. Peace.