7:30pm🥀

“Breathe, Leonardo.” Olivia softly murmurs beside me.

It's been an hour.

It's frightening how fast my heart is beating but  nothing can calm me down.

Dominique and Mrs Van Der Merwe came back first, both of them looking a lot better, with more hope in their eyes  matching with tired smiles. Then I broke the news to them.

“What do you mean Mkhulu couldn't breathe?”  Dominique’s green eyes were alarmed.

“He wasn't breathing…the way…the way he was supposed to…he was and the heart monitor and —”

Mrs Van Der Merwe placed her hand on my shoulder, stopping me, hearing the panic in my voice. “It's okay. Leo. We'll wait to hear what the Doctor says. It'll be okay.”

Then Lucas came back but he came back for Olivia. I felt my hold on her hand selfishly tighten.

It was time for her to go home, the moon was out, the sky was dark, her mother was worried.

“I…I'm really sorry Leo.” Lucas said, and for the first time, he couldn't meet my eyes.

“My mother wants Olivia home as soon as possible and…”

“I understand.” Slowly, I let go of Olivia's hand, giving her the permission to leave.

She paused, then said. “I'm staying.”

Lucas's eyes widened. “Are you crazy Olivia? Have you forgotten who our mother is?”

Even though a part of me wanted her to stay, I shook my head. “Olivia. You should go. Thank you for being here…you've done more than enough.”

“I can't Leo. Mkhulu's condition is critical. If I leave, I'll die of panic back home, I won't even be able to sleep.” Then she looked at her brother, Lucas, a resolve settled over her. “I'm staying.”

She pulled out her phone. “I'll phone ma  myself and tell her everything.” She left my side, going  off further into the hallway to talk on the phone.

It took about thirty excruciating minutes but at the end of that, Olivia came back with a tired smile, settling herself next to me. “I'm staying.”

Lucas groaned. “You're so difficult. There's no way I'm leaving you here alone. So I guess I'm staying too. I'll go get some food.”

I was dreading for the moment that Bina and Alex came. They came, along with Lisa. They all seemed to be holding the other up, there was light in their eyes.

Then they saw me and it dimmed.

I told them everything, they listened without interrupting, Bina held her hand to her chest the whole time and I hated to be the bearer of bad news.

Pastor John was the last one to come back, he just had to take one long look at all the long faces that the seven us held. The misery and pain that hung in the air. The silence that couldn't be filled with any word of comfort.

“Lord…” he muttered softly, settling on one of the seats, his blue eyes holding mine,   telling me wordlessly that he was praying.

And then we all sat there, comforting each other simply with our presence. Barely speaking a word, except to say bless you if someone sneezed or it'll be okay if anyone broke into a cry.

❄️❄️❄️

The Doctor still hasn't stepped out of the room, and  nurses  have run in and out of Mkhulu's room with urgency in their steps.

The silence shared between the eight of us, only grows, thickening into this miserable atmosphere.

A nurse steps out from Mkhulu's room, and this time almost everyone is up on their feet.

“Nurse,” I call her, “could you please tell us what's happening? You've been running in and out of this room refusing to tell us anything.”

The nurse finally stops, her gaze holding mine, sympathetic. “I'm sorry young man. I can't disclose anything, Doctor's orders.”

Then she leaves and I feel like screaming, no, yelling.

Instead, a strangled breath tears out of me, I kick the wall, even though it hurts me more than it hurts the wall.

Dominique steps in, his hands on my shoulders. “Dude, it's okay. Everything will be okay.”

I breathe, but it doesn't help.

“Could you just leave me alone for a moment.”

Hurt flashes in Dominique’s eyes. He nods, stepping back and everyone else does the same.

I stay standing, contemplating on barging into the room and demanding answers but I don't.

Instead I stand, looking away from everyone's heavy stares of concerns and try to control my breathing.  I try to control my blinding anger.

22:00🥀

When Doctor Dlamini steps out of the room, he's  alone. He  removes his surgical mask, his expression a fallen one. We're all up on our feet, desperation leaking out of us.

Instinctively, I find Olivia's hand and hold it but not only that, Dominique stands beside me and everyone else behind me. All of us in this together, all of us waiting with bated breaths and racing hearts.

Dr Dlamini’s dark eyes are a picture of  professionalism, with restrained sorrow. He releases a breath, the exhaustion painted on his face.

Unfortunately, his eyes meet mine first, weighted with the knowledge of what's behind the doors he came out of. He holds my gaze, and  all I hear is my thudding heart, filling his stretched silence.

"I'm sorry young man.” He says, with all of his emotions spread on his words. “We tried everything but unfortunately, your grandfather Mr July is dead. Time of death 11: 45."

The thudding of my heart stops.

He begins to go into detail about how his death came along, all the complications that happened and more.

And Bina, is  the first to cry aloud, breaking into the stillness of pain. Alex, holds  her together while trying to hold himself together. Olivia freezes, the tears trailing down her cheeks, her gaze firmly set on me and Dominique steps away, falling back into his seat, hands on his face as he sobs into his hands.

And I...

“You're lying to me. My grandfather's alive.He's alive! He promised that he'd never leave me. He—” I run past the Doctor barging into Mkhulu's room, and there he lays before me, on the bed.

The hope  within me doesn't wilt despite the heart monitor's flat ring, the lines on the machine a straight monotonous line and not the lively zig zagged lines that it once were.

There are nurses in the room, clearing up the room and when their eyes land on me, it's screams pity.

I'm running towards Mkhulu, right by his bed side. He sleeps, a deep, deep sleep. There's no steady breathing, no breathing at all. There's a calm on the expression on his face, like he didn't struggle, like he didn't try to stay with me.

“No! You can't leave, Mkhulu! You can leave me. Not you!”

I'm shaking him awake, violently shifting him off his bed, trying to get a rise out of him but nothing…

“Young man stop what you're doing!” Dr Dlamini's voice pierces through the room.

Everyone has gathered into the room to see the lifeless body of Mkhulu. They all stare, the  pain and grief mirrored in all their eyes but they keep their distance. None of them dare to take a step closer and witness Mkhulu's death up close.

Looking back at Mkhulu, with tears in my eyes, I see that expression of calm and it frustrates me. With my hand placed on his chest, I hear the emptiness of no heartbeat and it confuses me into blind anger.

“Mkhulu, wake up! Please they think you're dead, they're going to take you away from me. Wake up!”

His face remains calm. His body,  lifeless and slowly losing its warmth.

“You promised me you'd stay.”  I whisper, the fight in me diminishing into something broken.

“You said you'd…always be with me. Always.” My tears drop, falling on Mkhulu's face, trailing down his cold skin, but even those don't bring him to life.

Slowly, I extricate myself from my hold on Mkhulu. I step back and the whole room goes quiet, probably expecting me to do something crazy.

A  sharp pain in my chest persists, tightening like the twist of a knife, bleeding open and drenching my soul. All of what Mkhulu and I have been through flashes before my eyes. The movie nights, the fights, the jokes, the pain, the tears, the outbursts of anger and laughter. The prayers and the hugs. The conversations and...

He's dead.

"We'll give all of you time before we take the body.”  The Doctor says, leaving before a word was said and all the nurses follow suit, voicing out their comments:

Apparently he's the only family left of the boy.

I wouldn't come back from this.

Such a shame,  his life is ruined.

Looking up, with tears in my eyes I'm met with the white ceiling. The one that speaks of mundane pain, the one that knows of no miracle, of no breakthrough.

"God, how could you let this happen?"

Everyone pauses, staying in their respective places. "If you were here.If you were truly here with me, like you said you would...this never would have happened."

And the silence greets me. Unlike any other silence I've experienced before because this one seems to come from within me. From my soul.

Empty like Mkhulu's non-existent heartbeat.

Bina's sobs and Dominique's cries get louder. Pastor John has gone deathly quiet, his blue eyes lined with restrained tears and Alex is nowhere to be seen.

And that's when the hospital's white walls close in, the air, becoming thick and unbreakable. The lights are blinding and painful to my eyes. The Doctors and nurses running around. The tears. The stares. The murmurs. The presence of death.

I'm leaving, turning away from everything and everyone. They all call out to me, their voices mixing into a flurry of concerned cries.

"I want to be left alone, for a while. Please."

And I leave before anymore can be said, clicking the elevator button, incessantly. It doesn't arrive fast enough, with nurses trailing out of the elevator in a slow pace, laughing loud at the conversation they're having.

I walk into the elevator, the heaviness and tightness in my chest growing into this ever increasing pain that feels like it will leave a mark. As the doors of the elevator start  closing Olivia runs, catching up to stop it.

She presses the button, opening up the silver doors and bringing the elevator to a standstill.

She stands, not making a move to step into the elevator. Her eyes, red and puffy, hold mine as she wraps her arm around herself, uncertain.

"Olivia.." How can I further explain to her that I truly need to be alone in this moment, otherwise I will explode. Otherwise I might break beyond repair.

"Come back to me." She whispers, her eyes alive with hope and pain.

It's like she's asking for the impossible.I want to say that it's nearly impossible. How can I come back after this? How can I live life after this loss...

How, when even breathing feels wrong but then I think about Mkhulu
and how in his life he felt like this.

This exact way I'm feeling right now. He felt like it when his wife died, when his daughter left, when he lost his friends, when I hurt him...

Throughout Mkhulu's life, he went through the type of pain that was impossible to come back from. But each and every single time, when he looked at me and I wordlessly asked him to stay...

He stayed for me.

And now staring at Olivia, tear stained cheeks, exhausted  with a pained expression on her face.

Now, I fully understand my grandfather more than I ever did before when he was alive. Torn between two things, two people that you love the most. One gone, and one here. One absent and the other present. Wanting to stay with both, but knowing that it is impossible.

My Grandfather carried this  feeling with him throughout his life. Olivia starts crying, openly and softly like she knows my answer. Like she knows I'm not coming back. Like she knows I'm about to do something crazy.

And as I stare at her eyes. It's like I see all of her. No, it's like I see her heart, and it's longing and it's open and it's waiting for me.

The answer comes easily, and I start crying again, the tears escaping my eyes despite me trying to fight it.

Staring at her like this, I feel like I've replaced my grandfather and it's like I'm seeing him years ago, when he looked at me after finding out the love of his life had died.

Or that time he looked at me that day he was begging my mother to stay with us. When he looked at me, torn between two places but each time he chose me.

He chose me because of his unconditional, boundless love. The same love I feel for her.

"... Always."

Olivia's eyes flutter close, a breath escaping her lips as she takes in my words. She opens her eyes, the hope bigger than the pain this time.

"Leo, my love...I " she cries, wiping her tears. "It's selfish but—"

I shake my head, stopping her from finishing.

"Always, my love. Always..."

She nods, the turmoil in her brown eyes of her wanting so much to believe my words is clear to see.

"Let go." I gesture to the elevator button that she holds with this strain like it's the only thing keeping me in her life.

"Olivia...let go."

She hesitates. " You're in good hands Leo. God's with you, even in this."

Those are the last words she says, before she lets go of the button and the silver doors of the elevator start closing. Olivia holds my gaze, as if engraving every little thing about me. We hold each other's gaze, intensely. She mouths the words I love you before the elevator doors shut me in.

Alone. Cold.

But always, with this ever present pain that seems to have sown its threads with my soul.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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