I'm pulled from a deep sleep. The comfort of 'no thought' , of safe darkness is shaken off. Crumbling. Sunlight pours into the room, brightening behind my eyes.

Someone shakes me awake, I jolt up, delirious, a blissful ignorance. Until the pain of knowledge, the weight of everything crashes over me.

I quickly turn to my side, relief floods my heart when I see Mkhulu breathing steadily, the heart monitor reaffirming that he's out of danger.

Doctor Dlamini looks angry, he slowly moves me from the side of the bed I was laying on. “You can't sleep here. He's got broken ribs, we don't need anymore fractures.”

“I'm sorry.” Is all I can find to say, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

“ I need to check his vitals and condition.” Doctor Dlamini says, his eyes elaborating that I should step out.

I don't waste any more time. I step out of the room. The hospital is busier than it was hours ago. Doctors and nurses walk up and down the hallways. Alex and Bina are still seated on one the line of chairs in the hallway. Bina has fallen asleep on his shoulder wrapped in his embrace.

Alex looks exhausted, the eye bags underneath his eyes have gotten darker. When he sees me, he smiles.

“You're awake.”

I nod, looking at my wrist to see the time. It reads, 7: 49.

“Where's Lisa?” I ask him, looking around.

“I told her to go back home, take a quick shower and come back. We're all taking turns. Bina's going next.”

I take the seat next to him, wordless.

“You should go too Leo. Take a shower, eat some food. It'll do you good.”

“I'm not leaving my grandfather.”

“I'm here.” Alex reminds me, holding my gaze.

“What if…what if something happens while I'm gone?”

There are three things that could happen while I'm gone. One: Mkhulu could wake up, regain consciousness and probably start asking for me. I want to be there when he wakes up.

Two: Mkhulu could die while being in his coma, not even given the chance to say his last words to us or even open his eyes again.

Or three: Mkhulu could simply stay in his coma.

“—It’ll be alright son.” Alex reassures me, a comforting smile forming on his lips.

Alex has been trying with me. His lips are dry, his eyes bags darker and his eyes swirling with inner turmoil. It isn't easy to comfort me, to help me. He doesn't know which words to say, which ones not too.

He also doesn't completely know where he stands with me because even though he's known my grandfather for years and apparently knew me when I was a child, to me he's still a stranger.

His words sound off. Like they don't belong on his lips. If Mkhulu would have said the exact same words he did, they would have had a different ring to it. Mkhulu has always been the one to comfort me from the pain of this world. No matter where I was, as long as I was in pain, Mkhulu wouldn't be too far from me, ready with words of wisdom and his presence.

But now that Mkhulu is gone, now that he's the cause of my pain, I don't know how to truly receive comfort from anyone else.

Alex looks on the verge of having a breakdown on his own as he waits for me to say yes to his advice.

“I'll go.” I tell him, even though I don't want to. I agree to this mostly for him than for me.

Alex's eyes soften, the next breath he breathes comes out easier and he smiles.

Maybe his way of receiving comfort right now is knowing that he's taking care of his friend's grandson.

I can't receive any sort of comfort right now but it doesn't mean I can't give it. It's taken me a moment but Mkhulu's accident has taken a toll on more than just me.

❄️❄️❄️

The drive back home is easier, not only because of the daylight but there's barely any traffic. The car stays silent, I don't turn on the radio but I don't dwell on any of my thoughts. I simply drive, my head clearing up and my chest easing up from the pressure.

The wind gushes in the car in soft gentle waves, a refreshing smell compared to the stale, medicinal hospital air, so close to suffocating.

I'm in the house, and when the door clicks shut, the silence greets me and I'm reminded that Mkhulu isn't in his room. He's in the hospital and I saw him but I find my way to his room, opening the door, staring at his made bed and his closed books and I'm overwhelmed again.

I take a seat on his bed, staring at the sky blue curtains that whirl in and out depending on the wind's force. The sun's light illuminates the room with a glowing light.

There's an old nightblue notebook on top of the bible and a few of Mkhulu's other books. I've never seen it before.

Slowly, I take hold of the book, flipping to the front page. The pages are a brownish colour and old, almost fraying but also strong like it could last ages.

It's written in black ink with my grandfather's big, scribbly cursive writing. The kind of writing that says, I'm an adult.

Luyolo July's bucket list.

I pause, closing up the book. After hesitating, reigning in the flicker of frustration and giving into my curiosity I flip to the next page.

The next page is in the same black ink but the handwriting is different, it's smaller, in print with a few cursive curls. It's also very familiar, my breath stops when I read the name.

Bucket list’s aren't for the dead.
They are for the living, who want to make sure that they are living each moment to the fullest. Life is about filling these buckets, Luyolo. When we die, and we kick the bucket it'll be a bucket filled with all the water, dreams, and love that we took in.— Sophie sarafina July🥀

This may have been a gift my grandmother got from Mkhulu when he was still alive. Laughter escapes me, a soft breathy one. 

Why on earth would Gogo buy Mkhulu a book?

Mkhulu only started reading because he was old and he had to know what was trending with the old people, his words not mine. But he hated writing, it gave his hand cramps. In grade nine when I was going through a whole phase and I wanted to journal my feelings, Mkhulu laughed and said some very offensive things about my generation, something about feelings and being too soft.

I turn to the next page, and it's back to Mkhulu's cursive, scribbly writing.

I love you Sophie but there is no way you're making an old man like me keep a diary.Get me a better gift. ~ your loving, slightly irritated husband, Luyolo.🥀

I'm laughing, a little emotional but mostly intrigued. This must have been that year Mkhulu walked into my room after supper, with a grumpy look on his face. “Your grandmother has been married to me for years but still doesn't know how to get good gifts.” That's all he said and then he kissed me goodnight and  left because my grandmother called him for something.

Right underneath Mkhulu's words is my grandmother's writing again. I think this was when she gave the gift back to him.

It's not a diary, Luyolo.This was supposed to be sentimental. It's a bucket list book. Make it your own, you'll thank me later and it's bad manners to give gifts back.— your loving, absolutely angry wife Sophie sarafina July🥀

Right when Mkhulu left my room that night, I heard my grandparents fighting, both of them sounded frustrated. I listened in because it wasn't everyday that my grandparents fought and when it did happen, it was always weird.

❄️

“What on earth is a bucket list?” Mkhulu cried out, sounding displeased.

“Things you wanna do before you die. Memories you want to make. Accomplishments.” My grandmother answered in a calm and collected way but if you knew her then you'd know that she was mad.

“I don't hear the buckets.” Mkhulu cut her off.

She released a strangled breath, tired. “I'm going to bed.”

“Where did you even get this from…oh…I see that look. You got it from Linda didn't you. Please don't tell me you're going through that phase where you hang out with Linda's friends and get these millennial ideas from them.”

“Good night Luyolo.”

❄️

I don't remember much more of the fight but my grandparents never went to bed angry. Mkhulu said some words and the next morning both of them were smiling and laughing and Mkhulu held a book in his hands, asking me what I would want to do before I die.

Underneath my grandmother's last note is Mkhulu's words to her, signed with the date. His words pull something from my heart, unraveling it with hurt.

I wish I listened earlier. I'm always late when it comes to things like that Sophie. I want to write this bucket list and do a lot of things but I realize that I want to do them with you. I think that's what you wanted too because you had this smile on your face when you gave it to me but I didn't understand it then. Again I was late. But I'll write this bucket list, accomplish the things on here, live a meaningful life but I'll always be missing you ~ your grieving husband, Luyolo July. 🥀

The year 2019, a year spent without you.

The next page is a list of bucket lists, and most of them are scratched out. It feels invasive stepping into Mkhulu's mind and heart like this but I can't let go of the book. The pages are also plastered with pictures of Mkhulu doing some of the things. There is a particular thing that catches my attention.

26. Teach Leo how to drive.

It's scratched out and on the next page is a picture of Mkhulu and fourteen year old me, smiling in his car. I remember this, it was when he promised he would always be right here.

There's more things on the list that I recognise, things that have become routine for us, things that I  thought were natural but were actually born out of Mkhulu living a purposeful life.

27. Do movie nights with Leo around the weekend and be faithful to that.

I skip past a bunch of pages so I can get to Mkhulu's recent bucket list, so I can find what he last wrote.

It's dated around November this year.

189.Save up more money to take Leonardo to flight next year.

190. Find the best flight school to take him.

191. Buy a lot of groceries for the Christmas dinner.

191. Plan an early Christmas dinner with all my loved ones, so Leo doesn't feel too lonely - this is around the time when he misses his grandmother and mother the most. Invite Pastor John Lewis from work. Alex and Bina along with their granddaughter. Olivia and Dominique —(Might regret this last one but…)

192. Go out with Alex more.

It ends there. It's like I've gotten to know my grandfather all over again, gotten to know his heart. Fear creeps into my heart, coiling around me and thoughts pop up. Thoughts that Mkhulu will not finish his bucket list, that he'll never write more on this notebook, it'll always remain incomplete, wondering if the man ever set out to accomplish his dreams.

I shut the book, and as of recently, the prayers stay on the tip of my tongue, the words come out in wordless whispers.

Facing upwards, the white ceiling stares back at me, the silence encompasses me and even though it's closed I feel the weight of the notebook.

There is a God, I remind myself again. Then I'm up, placing the notebook where I left it, leaving Mkhulu's room, hoping, knowing the next time I'm back here it'll be with Mkhulu. I take that shower that Alex told me to take while thinking of all the buckets my grandfather wanted to fill in this life.

❄️❄️❄️

Stepping into the hospital, refreshed, my heart is stronger. As I walk past the nurses, and doctors, stepping into the elevator, all I can think about is Mkhulu getting better.

Everything I'm going to do, everything I'm going to say when he wakes up.

The elevator's silver doors ding open and I step out, walking down the familiar hallway. When I turn right on the hallway, I stop in my tracks, the sight before me something I couldn't have prepared myself for.

Doctor Dlamini stands in the midst of everything, his pockets shoved into his white coat as he speaks to Alex and Bina as well as  Mrs Van Der Merwe  and Pastor John.

Mrs Van Der Merwe’s eyes are red, a deep emotion painted in her green eyes. Pastor John listens nodding from time to time, the frown is etched on his face, his blue eyes lifeless.

When Mr Dlamini steps aside, I catch  sight of Olivia, Dominique and even Lucas seated on the seats outside Mkhulu's room. They all speak amongst themselves in hushed tones, their eyes burdened by the knowledge of what happened to Mkhulu.

I can't find the right words, the right emotions to everything that's happening right now.

Who told them?

A hand is placed on my shoulder, almost shocking me. Turning, I'm met with the sight of Lisa. She looks better than before.

She smiles, a gentle refreshing thing.

“Someone once said that no one should be in pain alone.”

Lisa's words bring tears to my eyes, warmth to my heart. I pull her in for a hug and she hugs me, knowing that I need it more than her.

When she pulls away, she's wiping tears from her eyes. “Let them be here for you.. okay.”

“Okay.”

As Lisa walks a little bit ahead of me, she doesn't even have to inform everyone of my presence because everyone looks up at me at the exact same time.

The weight of all their stares is felt, it makes the strength that was in my heart waver a bit. Dominique's the first to leap off his chair and meet me all the way.

He doesn't say a word before he pulls me in for a bear hug, the impact loud. He pats my back, his hug tight, his breaths loud.

“I'm…so…so…. sorry Leo.”

When he pulls away, taking a step back, I see the grief in his green eyes, not even a hint of a smile on his lips.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner it's just…”

He shakes his head, cutting me off. “Don't apologize for anything Leo. It's okay.”

There's nothing left to say but everything left to be felt, and ponder on and pray about.

Dominique's silence is unnerving. It further solidifies the reality of it all.

“Maybe one day…” he starts out, uncertain about his words, his eyes mirroring my pain, “ we'll look back on this day and laugh…”

His sentence hangs in the air, heavy.
Today is not that day.

Mrs Van Der Merwe, Dominique’s mother, comes forward. Dominique steps aside and she hugs me, her  embrace is  one of a mother  with a sweet scent and a soft hold.

When she pulls away she's got tears in her eyes.

“If there's one thing I know about your grandfather is that he's strong. He's a fighter and he's seen worse things.”

Pastor John steps in next, his hug a lot more tighter and longer. When he pulls away, he holds me by the shoulders. “ I'm right here with you son. We all are,”

My gaze shifts to everyone in the room, who stares at me, solidarity speaking in the silence and absence of the right thing to say.

“ There's this saying, in the bible,” Pastor John continues, “ It says love is as strong as death.Your Grandfather's love for you is something only God can create and his love won't let him leave you alone.”

His words encompass the broken parts of my heart, the parts that shattered ever since I got that call. I take in the meaning of it, I take in the God in it.

“Thank you, Pastor John.”

Bina and Alex hug me next, both of them sharing the hug with me. Alex's eyes are lit with relief when he assesses my appearance.

“Olivia,” Lisa says, “didn't you say you'd go get everyone drinks.”

Olivia hesitates, her eyes meeting mine, then flicking away. “Right.”

She hurries past me to go do that.

When Lucas, Olivia's brother hugs me, there's a lot less heart to it but it's made up for because it's pure compassion. It isn't as tight or long because that would be awkward but when he pulls away he's smiling. It's a broad, strong smile. One that doesn't waver or dim.

Something I didn't know I needed.

“One thing I know about you July's is that you never give up. If you could stay up all night in the rain simply for love, who knows what the man  who raised you can do.”

“Thanks man.”

“It's nothing…it's just that Olivia can't really leave the house without me, especially if she's said to show up late.”

Lucas leaves to go take his seat by Dominique.

Doctor Dlamini acknowledges me with a sympathetic look, as he passes.Everyone else goes back to talking amongst themselves.

For a moment I don't know what to do with myself, I contemplate going into Mkhulu's room but stop myself.

Lisa's gaze practically calls for my attention. She's mouthing something with her lips, her eyes alarmed.

What is wrong with this girl?

She sighs, frustrated. It's only when she does it the fourth time that I understand.

Go to her, Lisa mouths, motioning with her hands that I should scurry off.

Thank you. I mouth back and I hope she sees all the gratitude in my eyes.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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