23:43🥀

The only thing stopping me  from bolting out of the door is Mkhulu. I'm stuck on the sofa, explaining my lightbulb moment in forced detail but he's still not getting it.

Stress lines appear on his face as he tries to make sense of my insanity.

“Wait.Wait. Wait.” Mkhulu says, holding up his hands. “ Just because the movie brought your grandmother and I together in some sort of way doesn't mean I'm letting you take advice from a really bad, questionable romcom.”

“It's not the movie Mkhulu,” I'm exasperated, my legs bouncing, not  able to stay still. “—Okay maybe it is the movie but it's also Lisa, and Olivia's last words and God.”

“Oh don't be dramatic.” Mkhulu cuts in,” Let's sleep on this, shall we? And tomorrow if you still feel like doing some spontaneous romantic gesture, be my guest.”

“Mkhulu.” My voice is desperate, the pleading clear.

He holds my gaze, serious. “Leonardo I understand but—”

“No Mkhulu. I don't think you understand. Not completely. I thought it was over. I thought there was nothing left  for me to do but accept that  one of the best things that's ever happened to me is not…for me. That no matter how much I tried, prayed and fought…I was never going to have her… I don't think you understand how hard it's been envisioning my future without her.Since she's stepped into my life…she always had a place in my tomorrow. So much so that the days feel incomplete without her. I'm left wondering at the end of days with  this feeling like something should have happened.”

Mkhulu holds my shoulders, gaze steadied, warm. His voice reaches my ears, comforting. “I completely understand  you Leonardo.” 

“In fact. I want you and Olivia to be together almost as much as you do but it's late. We shouldn't do things in haste. Maybe you should sleep on this. Let's not do something crazy.”

His words frustrate me, sizzling my racing heart. Meanwhile Olivia's last words continue to echo at the back of my mind, persistent and powerful.

'Lot's of things have been said and done, Leonardo.At the end of this, I guess we'll see…'

Olivia was right,  this whole year a lot has been done, I watched and loved and knew her from afar. Then in a short span of time everything became real, became raw and intimate. But it was high school, an era of all things fake and temporary. Only true relationships would stand, only the ones that were genuine, that were godsent would remain.

Olivia was beckoning me that if I truly loved her then she would see in the end. She would see when it was all over.

I don't have to accept anything! I don't have to accept defeat. I need to go to her, to tell her that I still love her and that I'm staying.

I've wasted so much time already. Mkhulu's still looking at me with patient, worrisome eyes. His hold on my shoulders is strong but gentle.

“What's the craziest thing you've done for Gogo?”

Mkhulu's eyes hold mine, honest. There's probably too many to count, that's the answer I see in his eyes.

“Just this once. Let me do a crazy thing for Olivia. Let me try, just one more time. If it fails…” I  can't even finish that sentence, my throat clogs. “—It fails. But there's a chance. This one in a million chance that this crazy thing will work.”

Mkhulu wavers, his jaw ticking, his walls cracking. I watch him, battling with himself.

He's thinking realistically, he's thinking like a parent. He's thinking with the possibilities of heartbreak in mind but I need all that to stop.

For a moment, I need Mkhulu to think like the man who knows true love when he sees it.

“Fine,” Mkhulu relents, releasing his hold on me, his eyes softening. I release a loud yelp, my heart overjoyed.

“—But I'm going with you. That's right, I'm still a responsible adult.”

There's no complaints coming from me. The nerves run through my bones, freezing my racing heart and feeding my mind with a million overwhelming thoughts. I'm going to need him there.

“So what's the plan?” Mkhulu waits, eager.

I didn't think that far.

“There is…no plan.” I smile sheepishly.

We both laugh.

“So you were just gonna get there, middle of the night with no idea what you want to do or say.” Mkhulu's amusement grows, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“I do…know but I also don't… know. It makes sense in my head.” I struggle with words.

Mkhulu laughs at me.

“ The plan is love.” I find myself saying but Mkhulu only laughs harder, smacking his thigh with exaggerated emphasis.

“ God help us.” I pray, knowing full well that God agrees with this plan.

❄️❄️❄️

The drive to Olivia's house is nerve-wracking, my thoughts overlap with each other, sitting still doesn’t work and  the seat belt is restraining.

I'm acutely aware of my heartbeat, rising and drumming to this wild consistent melody.

Mkhulu hums lightly, the vibrations of his deep voice filling the silence of the car. I'm still shocked he's letting me do this…but it's also expected of him.

I want to say something. I want him to say something, to get me out of my head for at least a moment. Mkhulu continues humming, without a care in the world.

We're closer to her house, it's dark outside. The house and trees are going past in a blur of shadows.

I  think about what I'm going to say  but my brain goes blank. A drop from the sky lands on the  car's window, dripping down in a slow, croquet way. Then two drops follow after. Then six.

It's drizzling. The window is obscured from the droplets. I stare at Mkhulu and he doesn't look surprised that it's raining, in fact he doesn't seem to care.

I wonder, If now that it's raining will Mkhulu stop me from going to —

“I'm not going to stop you.” Mkhulu breaks the silence, he stops the car around the corner, parking near a park.

“You're not?”

Mkhulu laughs. “ You're stubborn like your grandmother and myself. I know better than to stop you and I think you're ready…” Mkhulu holds my gaze, a thoughtful look in his eyes.

“Ready for?”

He smiles, a lingering look of something unfamiliar in his eyes. With an exhale, he speaks. “You're ready for the sacrifices that come with falling, being and staying in love.”

A silence settles over us, powerfully peaceful. Mkhulu clicks off the  child lock,  the door open for me to leave.

Even through the  droplets of rain I can make out that Olivia's house is a few steps away, just around the corner. That's how close she is.

This is the part where I run out of the car and into the rain, right into Olivia's arms but I don't. I stay. The seatbelt that felt restrained before is now comfortable, safer.

Mkhulu's brows furrow, as he waits for me to step out.

I'm paralyzed, bones stiff, with this continuous tightening of my chest.

If I lose her now then it's truly over.

After everything, if I fail now then I can forget about any other possibilities or chances.

Mkhulu places his hand on my shoulder, warm and firm and just like that I'm pulled out of my overwhelmed thoughts. I've come up for air.

Mkhulu's dark eyes hold mine like a mirror. One that would never lie. He clearly sees the fear lingering.

Will that always be my default? Will this fear follow after every decision I make? Follow after me. Has this fear…without my knowing, slowly woven into my identity.

The fear of abando—

“I'm the one who named you, do you know?” Mkhulu's strong voice breaks through to my thoughts. There's a tenderness to his tone.

The smile on my lips is slow, automatic. Those were one of the things I found the greatest comfort in over the years. Knowing that it wasn't her who gave me my name, but it was my grandfather. I don't know what I would have done if I carried a name that she gave me. Maybe I would have hated it and eventually changed it. Maybe something about the name would always feel odd, like I was an imposter.

“You're mother,” Mkhulu continues. “ when you were born she didn't want to name you…” she wanted nothing to do with you, his eyes finish.

“ The doctors placed you in my arms first. Your grandmother was emotional, she didn't trust herself to hold you yet because of how small you were. I held you first.” Mkhulu says, with pride beaming in his eyes, a broad smile to match.

“ When I first held  you…I saw you and I -” Mkhulu's words stop short, he's choked up. His eyes thick with emotion.

“I named you something that I believe you were from the day you were born. During your mother's pregnancy she wasn't exactly careful…especially when your grandmother and I weren't watching. There were even complications in the delivery room but you're alive. A true fighter. I named you Leonardo.”

Mkhulu's accent curves around my name with more emphasis like every letter holds a meaning. Then he tells me the meaning of my name like he told me years ago when I was a little boy. “ As brave as a lion. As strong and as bold. Leonardo.”

Mkhulu's eyes hold mine, tender. My  chest warms, the knots in my stomach untie themselves and relief is poured into my bones.

“ When your grandmother held you, her tears were mixed with yours. She could barely speak. I told her,  with this clarity, this deep assurance. ‘His name is Leonardo. He'll be a boy who isn't held back by fear. He'll be as brave, as bold as a Lion. He'll be our Leonardo.”

Mkhulu pulls me in for a hug, tightly holding on to me. Every flicker of fear that lingered, that wove its thread into my identity, disintegrates.

❄️❄️❄️

Underneath the starry sky, the rain pours, drenching my clothes, blurring my vision. It's a light shower. Soft and gentle. Shivers run down my spine as I walk down the road.

I turn around for the umpteenth time, seeing Mkhulu's car parked a few blocks away. As I smile, I taste the rain, cold and fresh with the breath of new life.

I run, my feet smacking against the wet pavement until I'm standing right before Olivia's house. It's a quaint yellow two storey home. The lights on the top floors are on, a warm yellow glow emanating from  white curtains.

I stand outside, drenched and cold to the bone. My skin jolted alive by every raindrop. The moon hangs over me, luminescent.

My chest, despite my surroundings, is warm. There's this warm, cozy feeling. This slow rising of emotions as my heart beats, aware of its feelings. Olivia is on my mind and in a moment everything flashes before my eyes.

Everything.

The tears we cried for each other and the ones we wiped away. The joy. The deep pain we related to, that somehow brought us achingly closer. The laughter shared. The stares, the hugs and kisses….

And finally I'm brought back to that night in my bedroom. Before the beauty of it all happened. I'm brought back to that night I couldn't sleep. I had been watching her for weeks already. Observing. Learning. Loving

I didn't know how to express any of the feelings I had.I wasn't completely comfortable with telling anyone about it because they would laugh at my feelings, leaving me flushed and call me infatuated.

So I wrote a poem…

Laughter escapes my lips, the taste of rain dripping in my tongue. I pick up a few rocks I find on the pavement.

That's when a shadow passes in one of the rooms with the white curtains upstairs.

“ Please let it be Olivia’s room.”

It's stupid, it may be illegal but with the last bit of faith and courage I have left I throw the rock, aiming for the first window upstairs with the light on. It misses, hitting the wall instead and falling onto the grass.

I throw another rock. This time it makes it, hitting the window with a soft clink. I throw two more.

I wait.

The rain continues to pour, consistent light showers. I throw a few more rocks, my heart beats louder. It looked easier in the movie.

I  throw without  much force but enough impact for it to make a noticeable sound in her room.

“Please God.” I pray, throwing another rock.

That's when the white curtains are drawn open, the window is pulled open. The rock I threw flies into the room almost hitting the person in the face.

It's Olivia.

Her braids are pulled up into a messy bun, a pink pajama top visible from here.

She's frustrated, the expression on her face hard as she looks out the window, when her eyes land  on me, her expression falls. Her eyes soften, the shock deepening them. She says something under her breath but I'm too far to hear.

“Olivia!” I call out, my heart races, alive.

She's still frozen in shock, her eyes blinking down at me like I'll disappear any moment. Then she turns her head, looking back at something in her room. Or someone.

“You shouldn't be here!” She shouts down at me, soft yet loud.

Her words almost ditter me but I shake it off. “ Olivia I need to tell you —”

“No, Leonardo.” She shakes her head, having none of it. “ Are you crazy? It's raining and you're drenched. It's midnight and you're here at my house, throwing rocks at my window. Go back home Leonardo.”

“Not until you hear me out!”

She looks behind her again, when she faces front again, there's worry in her eyes.

“Olivia please step out of the house for a few moments. Tell your mom you need to throw the trash, or you want fresh air, or—”

“She's not here. It's just my brother and I but still… you should leave Leo.”

“I'll leave. I promise but first let me get to say what I didn't get to say!”

“You've said everything that needed to be said, Leonardo. There's nothing left!” Olivia's eyes hold mine, disappointed, tired but I don't waver in my hope.

“Why? Why does everyone get to have the last say on what we had together? Why does Wyatt, or those bullies or anyone else get to have the last say?”

She doesn't answer, her charged gaze holding mine and I wonder what she sees. It's foolish, standing here in the rain arguing, hoping…

“You're right,” she says after a moment. “ They shouldn't get the last say.”

“But I can and I don't want to be with you Leonardo. You're not for me and I'm not for you and…. I just can't. Not anymore.”

“Go home,” she mouths, in a broken whisper. I don't have to hear her because I see the goodbye in her eyes.

She shuts the window, pulling it down and before I can get another word in, she closes the curtains, locking me out in the rain. Cold. Alone. Heartbroken.

In the beginning, I told her  I didn't want to give her the poem I wrote  because words could be misinterpreted but that was the risk. The risk was putting yourself out there, waiting, hoping and believing that the other person saw the heart behind it.

In the beginning, when I wrote the poem I didn't truly know what  the words I wrote meant. Now, my heart is soaked with the essence of the very words. It's so much more to me.

Everything around me tells me to turn back and for a moment I am. It's easier to turn back, walk away and pretend this never even happened.

Suddenly the rain stops, like the sky is holding its breath. The scent of wet soil and pavement is thick, the last drops of rain in certain places echoes around me.

I see the shadow in the room that Olivia's in. Her shadow.

“It's now or never.” I tell myself, taking a breath.

“Olivia!” I call out, bolder. Taking the risk and hoping that she might hear my voice, that she'll give me a chance to speak.

“Remember how this whole thing started? I wrote a poem for you and I wanted to give it to you… I just didn't want for the words to be misinterpreted. I didn't want you to misunderstand me or not receive it well.”

“...”

The hope that she'll open the window and hear me out, diminishes.

“But none of that matters anymore! I want you to know how I feel about you. How I've always felt about you.”

A wind blows past me, chilling my bones. I clear my throat, gathering courage. I push through the disappointment, having imagined that she would open the window by now.

I imagine her, as best I can, receiving my words, relishing in them.

"I hear what they say about you!”

“They call you a simple girl. Plain Jane. Wallflower.” I know now that they've called her worse.

“Simple girl, they say
Because you're not strikingly beautiful.Because when you walk into a room, no one spares you a glance”

“No one…notices you.
Because your beauty is labeled as one that isn't noteworthy.”

A pause ensues, I wrap my heart around the emotions I feel. Overwhelmingly honest, vulnerable.

“But I, I think you are simply beautiful. I'd notice you across a thousand rooms. I believe you are noteworthy otherwise I wouldn't be putting this pen to paper.”

“Honestly, this isn't even my first attempt at writing about you. There's something about you that's so boundless! That I don't just think about you, dream about you, hope for you but I have to write…”

“I never write!”

“They call you simple.
But isn't it the moon billions of people spend time gazing at with awestricken eyes. The moon so simple yet so beautiful just like you.”

“But people only love it from afar. They love it only when it shines. Only when they can relish on the beauty of the moonlight…”

“I'm not afraid to get too close
I'm not afraid of the rough edges”

“My simple girl.Nobody comments on those dark brown eyes of yours
But will you believe me if I say I see the beauty from within.I want to stare at your eyes longer.Closer.”

“But I am afraid!” My chest burns, like it's poured out in flames.

“Afraid of ruining the perfect picture I have of you.”

“In art galleries we stare at paintings and sculptures with awe in our eyes
But we're not allowed to get too close
We're not allowed to touch….”

“You're art.So I keep my distance, in awe of you.”

“My simple girl.Today you were smiling brightly I wish I could know why.So that one day I would be the reason for that smile. Your brown eyes turned into crescent moons and believe me when I say they sparkled.
Your lips - My biggest temptation
were curved in the cutest way.”

“My simple girl.
Everything about you may be simple, common and ordinary to THEM”

“But your heart is extraordinary
Don't ask me how I know this
I just know this.”

“Your heart, knitted together with an incorruptible beauty.It's like no other
They can say what they want but you…you my love do NOT have a simple heart”

“My simple girl.You are beautiful
If God wills one day I will be able to see those eyes up close

“To make you smile.To hold you.
To notice the spots on your face and body that nobody noticed, not even you.All because they bypassed a treasure, labeling it as simple.

“I need you to know that when you walk into a room and nobody notices
I saw you, I noticed you
Because you are…Simply beautiful.”

After having belted out the words I had hidden in my heart for a long time I expect something to happen. Something besides, the ragged breaths I breathe that are torn open from my burning chest. Something besides quiet still night air that feels like a smack to the face.

The light in Olivia's room is turned off. The hope within me dies, doused out like a flame. The pain is instant, searing. My eyes refuse to believe it.

Moments later, the door to her house is pulled open but it's not Olivia who steps out. A young boy, looking roughly over the age of fifteen steps out. He's dressed in blue pajamas  and a white beanie that covers only the top of his buzz cut head.

"Aye my guy!” He calls out to me, waving me over. “Come inside. I don't want any noise complaints."

I'm still going over everything that's just happened. I'm a soaked statue and the boy seems to see that my feet are glued to the pavement. He sighs, stepping further out the house. He walks up to me, pulls me by my arm and suddenly I'm being led into Olivia's house.

The warmth of the house meets me halfway, until the door is shut and then I'm fully engulfed by it. By the scent. We're in the dining room, the faint sound of television filling the silence.

He stretches out his hand, and I shake it, firmly. He smiles, looking on the verge of laughter. The amusement in his eyes is clear, so is the familiarity. He's got her eyes.

“I'm Lucas. Olivia's brother.”

“I'm —”

His smile broadens, teasing. “ I know who you are, Leonardo.”

A pause ensues. My eyes go over the home, the colourful textures of sky blue and pure white, contrasting with the wooden polished floor. There's photograph's hanging on the walls of her little family. I want to get closer, stare longer.

Lucas clears his throat. The amusement in his eyes only grows, and even when he's not smiling he looks close to it.

“Does Olivia know that you've let me in?”

I don't want to anger her even more or make her uncomfortable.I've received the hint. It just isn't what I thought it would be. It isn't what I hoped either.

“Nope.”

Why did you let me in, I want to ask him. And the question must be in my eyes because he looks at me like he heard it but he doesn't respond instead, the amusement in his eyes grows, like he's teasing me in his head.

"Where's Olivia's room?"

"I'll walk you to it.” Lucas says, surprising me. “...but I'll be standing by the door with my ears pressed on to it so no funny business."

Although he's younger than me. I take the silent threat that passes over his dark eyes.

"No funny business," I promise, my hand to my chest.

We walk further into her house in silence. The scent is faintly of coconut and roses with something else. We walk up the stairs, silent. Lucas leads the way, whistling a tune.

I don't exactly know what's happening. Why does he want me here? What can I do now that I haven't already tried for the past few weeks.

"And one more thing," Lucas stops me in my tracks, his whistling coming to a stop. " That thing you did back there..."

"Yeah."

"Do girls?" He scratches the back of his head. "Do girls really like that stuff?"

He cast his gaze away from me, the embarrassment burning his cheeks.

I chuckle, not expecting this question or anything else that's happening right now. "...When you like a girl as a guy I feel like you know what you're doing. You know all the things to say and do. It's easy to get her. When you love her on the other hand..." Laughter cuts my words short.

He watches me.

"I feel like you don't know half the stuff you're doing. You're just doing it. I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I want her."

I stare up the stairs, longing, quiet.

He nods his head vigorously like he's relating with everything I'm saying.

"Right, thanks my guy."

I laugh, nodding. We walk further up the stairs, Lucas continues whistling and we're walking through the hallway. Finally we're by Olivia's white doorstep.

He seems hesitant to let me in, his hand stops by the door handle. A silence passes over us.

"People hurt my sister," he says, softly. "They hurt her a lot and sometimes I wish she wasn't so soft but then that would mean that she wouldn't be herself."

"..."

He scratches his head, unsure of himself.

"What I'm trying to say is...I'm not a fan of Olivia even knowing what a boy is but people have hurt her. The bullying has gone on longer than it should have and she suffered in silence. She forced me not to tell our mother about this because she thought that it would make her ashamed of her. People have hurt her but you have the chance to...love her." His cheeks burn as he says the L word.

"They take every chance they can to hurt Olivia and I hope that you take every chance you can to love her."

"I will."

He holds my gaze, sizing me up.

"Good. You can go in. And once again, no funny business. I'll have my ear pressed against this door."

I nod laughing. And then he takes the step back, leaving me to it.

I knock on the door. " You can stop annoying me about it Lucas... He left! Leonardo left! He's done with the poem! And you can have my share of supper. I'm not in the mood!"

Lucas  gasps behind me, a smile growing on his face. "Thank you Olivia!" He runs off.

I knock again, softer. The door is pulled open, a teary eyed Olivia dressed in the cutest pink pajamas comes into view. " Fine, have my porridge too! I'll —"she stops mid sentence when she notices me.

"Thank you Olivia!" Her brother shouts from the dining room. " I see love has made you generous!"

"Leo." Her breath gets stuck in her throat, and her wide eyes take me in.

"Olive." I smile, shoving my fingers into the pockets of my hoodie.

"I- you're -rain- poem. You're here." She's breathless and it makes me laugh but I've also lost the breath in my lungs.

"Are you going to let me in?"

She looks behind her then back at me, uncertainty passing over her features. "I swear that I was going to fix my room"

The laughter escapes my lips, and then I see it. What I've been yearning to see. Her lips curve into that sweet smile that makes her eyes gleam.

She pushes her door further open, her room coming into view but that's not what makes my heart stutter. It's that look in her eyes. The familiarity I have with it makes my chest warm.

It's that openness that's laying in the depth of her brown eyes. And as I step into the room, the smile on my face is easy and light. I know that with whatever is going to unpack. At the end of the day, Olivia will be mine.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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